To think that kids at secondary school should be taught about relationship red flags?

[toptramp]

Of all things in my life, it was my abusive relationship that almost killed me and my career. I am scarred by it and my career is no way as good as it could have been if I had seen the warning signs and ran for my life.
Moreover I am still single as I have had problems establishing them since said abuse.
I have heard that the goverment are thinking of teaching kids about dating abuse and how to avoid it? I met my abuser at the age of 16 and there was absolutely no guidance from parents or teachers on the warning signs and noone helped me get out of it even when it was obvious that I was becoming ill and damaged by it.

It is all very well having good qualifications as I do but if you meet the wrong partner, your life can get messed up pretty quickly.

Such lessons may also target potential abusers and teach them respect in relationships.

'I'm quite surprised that it seems many state schools still aren't covering it.'

What is your evidence that they are not? My children covered it in PSHCE in secondary, but have had lessons on self-esteem and valuing themselves, recognising and coping with bullying and related topics since they entered the school system.

it is not unreasonable to think that all these subjects should be taught to children

healthy eating
personal awareness and safety
sexual education
love and relationships
good manners
keeping fit
why bullying is wrong
lesbian and gay relationships
homophobia and why it is unacceptable
racism and why it is unacceptable
how to cook
how to fix a flat tyre
table manners
how to use a toilet
how to clean a toilet
first aid
how to work well in a group
how to socialise
how to not be disruptive
to recognise others feelings
how to read
how to play an instrument
how to dance
how to put up a shelf
what money is for
what money should be spent on
how not to get into debt
what APR means and working out interest on credit cards
self esteme
making responsible choices
understanding and recognising feelings and emotions
discrimination against the disabled and why this is unacceptable
understanding risk
understanding violence
why sexism is wrong
religious tolerance

this is just off the top of my head....schools could teach all of this and do teach some of this.

of those that are already taught - remembering that many things above are NOT TAUGHT IN SCHOOL
how effective is this teaching exactly when you have limited time - an hour a week maybe to cover all these topics? can this therefore be done effectively?

not as effectively if as a parent i reinforce to my son that it is perfectly ok to be a nurse and to my daughter that it is perfectly ok for her to be in a same sex relationship. Because as a parent i am that childs alpha and omega. i hold and weild power of immense magnitude. i set the tone. i set the standard. and i do this DAILY

DAILY

every minute of every hour of every day that i spend with my child as a parent i am teaching my child.

so invest in US invest in parents. becuase a discussion on sexism over two hours in year 9 whilst informative..to some is not culturally changing anything.

and and

all these things should be taught

by whom?

if we do this through schools - something has to give for it to be truly truly truly effective.

what should give

english?

maths?

you choose - becuase there are only so many hours in a day

this is why academia should stay with schools and parents should be given the tools to parent

Applauds Custardo.

I think this is a great idea. My child is in year 1 but already I am impressed how much more positively influenced she is on what the school has taught her on traffic and stranger sense, even though I am very proactive on both these areas. Would love to think that healthy relationships and other life skills had a place in the curriculum.

but Custardo.... you are not a parent to every child. You can give relationship advice to your own kids, from your perspective, and so could other parents, but that will still leave a huge section of children who are not going to get any help or advice.

Investing in parents is all well and good, so long as that parent is willing to, and wants to listen. Many wont or cant, so again, their children miss out.

There will be parents who think "I dont need any parenting advice, I know I am right and I can teach my kids", there will be others who just dont give a toss.

but if every parent were givent he tools
if every parent were invest in

eery child would be taught
every minute
of every day
and dominant culture would change
and the teachers could do what they are supposed to instead of parenting

Can someone link to these 'red flags', many parents probably don't know what they are. I certainly hadn't heard of 'red flags' before I joined Mn.

I actually don't want schools giving their prescribed opinion on relationships to my children. I think I have pretty high standards and I want them to keep aspiring to them. The school teaches them sex education but I fill in the gaps about contraception, abortion, relationships, periods, personal hygiene.

I think you are being facetious custardo. Yes it's silly to expect schools to teach everything, no they don't have enough time.

But I don't see why we can't keep PSHE, for example, as a time when we stick to really core important topics to do with - basically respect for other people and yourself.

It doesn't matter that much if no one teaches your child how to unblock the loo because even if you don't do it, someone else at some point will. If you refuse to teach children about the warning signs of abusive relationships and the parents don't either, it is extremely likely that they will have no idea about them until it is too late and they feel trapped, and might not have access to tools to help themselves (not unheard of for internet/phone/leaving the house to be cut off by abusive partners is it?).

I think saving PSHE for advice and discussion that could save lives is a sensible approach to deciding what their is time for and what their isn't.

Red flags are very individual. Some posters would ditch a man at the first vaguely sexist joke.

I actually don't want schools giving their prescribed opinion on relationships to my children. I think I have pretty high standards and I want them to keep aspiring to them

Well thats fine then.... you do it, but lets not worry about the other kids who dont have parents who will. Those kids can just sort themselves out then.

:(

We recently touched on this subject on a long thread about rape, and almost all of us agreed on one thing, if more was done in schools to educate boys AND girls about boundaries, it is possible that some boys would not grow up into men who rape or intimidate women who they are in a relationship with, or dating.

but they wouldnt have to sort themselves out if their parents were taught how to broach these subjects.

why are you ignoreing this point squeaky?

this is a reasonble red flag list IMO

There was a better laid out one somewhere but I can't find it.

nope, not being facetious. being really serious. in an era when it is reported children are going to school not knowing their own name or being able to use the toilet properly, i think you will find that using the toilet and toilet etiquette is being taught.

i didn't say unblock a toilet - that was a reductive statement and missed the point entirely

but they wouldnt have to sort themselves out if their parents were taught how to broach these subjects.

I am not ignoring it. When and how do you propose parents should be taught then?

And the idea that teachers and social workers etc have no 'boundaires' or don't want to appear judgemental is just ridiculous. The WHOLE IDEA of teaching children about healthy relationships is helping them realise that it is OK to say No, it is healthy to have clear guidelines and judgements when it comes to realtionships and that if you feel someone is breeching these, it is right to feel uncomfortable.

And if parents don't want their children taught about such things- how the hell do they think that they are going to force other parents to be told about such things??? How are we going to pick put the BAD parents and compel them to undergo relationship training?
It's hard to realise but your PFB little boy might turn out to be an abuser as well.

The things custardo mentions should be taught in the home; the problem arises when they are not. It is a fact of life that a minority of teenagers come home from school and have to be quiet until their mother finishes with her clients (not being more explicit than that). What happens for those children Alouiseg and Custardo.

I would like to be confident that the state system reinforces high standards in relation to all of the things Custardo mentions, not that they should be taught from scratch.

I think that most teenagers would already be aware of red flag behaviours. Give them a list of behaviours and ask them to identify which ones are not positives in a relationship and I think most would get most right.

I don't think that necessarily translates to identifying unacceptable behaviour in a relationship they're part of. How many times have you seen people post about their own relationship, they're quite capable of writing down all the negatives, they're not unaware of them just unable for whatever reason to do anything about it.

But that assumes all parents want to broach the subject? I think it's fairly obvious that some don't because they don't give a shit, and some won't because they don't think of DV as something that will affect their family, or because even plus advice and guidance they don't feel they can.

The same way some families don't talk about drugs or contraception or how to check your breasts for cancer or any other of a million things... no you can't necessarily cover all of them at school, but if you pick the ones that affect the most people (and DV affects on in 4 women) you can at least cover some of it and hopefully save some people. Not just women who can think twice earlier in a relationship, but also potential abusers who can have some active lessons on what is not okay.

Downby: I thought this thread was suggesting that schools should be covering it and therefore assumed that they weren't already. Sorry if I'm wrong, I don't have any evidence. If schools are already covering it why are we debating whether they should? It's a bit like saying AIBU that schools should do maths.

Find us an alternative Custardo.

Would you prefer your daughter to be taught at school what an abusive relationship looked like, or the inner workings of pythagoras?

The great thing about learning about relationships in school is that

a) you have a captive audience
b) you will be able to reinforce the same ideas about healthy relationships across all cultures and classes
c) no children will slip through the net
d) it doesn't take a huge amount of time out of the 36 school weeks available

The nanny state has sat on her arse for far too long IMO.

tyler what you say about most teenagers is very true. but allowing one teenager to be brought up to think that it's OK that someone calls her a bitch because actually he really loves her is one too many.

It works for boys too - they are learning their moral values from the internet these days and need educating another way. Who else is going to do this job but specialists in a school setting?

I don't know that they would tyler - think how many people buy into rape myths. (EG, she was wearing a short skirt so it was her fault)

A lot of people don't see jealous, relationships moving very quickly etc as a problem. When depending on the scale and context of them, yes they can be.

this report gives a pretty terrifying account of how many teenagers are already experiencing DV at very young ages

This is interesting from the report:

"The majority of young people interviewed told a friend about their experience. Although in many cases peers provided a valuable source of support, in some instances they held inappropriate views about the acceptability of violence.

Moira: Everybody does it [control], I thought he was weird and then I talked to my friends and all their boyfriends are the same."

If that was a discussion that had happened in a class setting, at least the teachers would be aware there was a major problem with the relationships amongst those teens.