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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to severely limit xmas gifts and give the money to charity instead?

86 replies

joshandjamie · 04/11/2011 18:16

I know when I was a child, I loved seeing a big pile of presents under the tree. And didn't really even care what was in them - it was just seeing them and wanting to rip them open that was the exciting bit. So I don't want to deprive my kids of that.

BUT they have plenty of toys, plenty of books, plenty of games, enough clothes - they literally don't need anything else. Sure the 6 year old wants an ipad (that's not going to happen) and the 7 year old wants a kitten (that may happen) but other than that, they don't want or need anything.

Similarly, while I'd love new clothes, jewellery and almost all of Lakeland, I don't NEED those things.

And I've gotten to the point of seriously not wanting to buy stuff for the sake of it. Money aside, I just don't want more stuff in the house.

I'm really not trying to be super virtuous or saintlike, but I'd really far rather take the money we might spend on presents and go to one of those charity sites where you can buy a family mosquito nets or a water purifier or something. I've even run the idea past my kids and they're up for it. But I don't think they've thought through what that really means on Christmas morning.

I'm thinking I could get away with some small stocking filler presents and some token 'joke' presents for the rest of the family coming to stay (plus my home made things that I shall force upon them and which they will take with gritted teeth).

But is that being unreasonable? I know kids elsewhere get very little but we live in a western society where kids kind of expect stuff. While I'm sure they'll learn a nice lesson about giving to others - that's less my intention. I just don't want more crap in my house! But I also don't want them to be disappointed on Christmas morning.

Should I do it?

OP posts:
CatherineWheel · 04/11/2011 18:18

Yanbu. Get the kids stuff (within reason), but give adults' present money to charity instead.

azazello · 04/11/2011 18:21

I think YAabitU. If you say 'I don't want any presents - please give the money you would have spent to charity' that is fine, but it would be U to get presents yourself and give the money you would have spent on other people to charity so you get to be virtuous at someone else's expense iyswim.

I would still get the children presents but ask the adults whether they really really want presents or would prefer the money to go to charity.

scaryteacher · 04/11/2011 18:22

My mil did this for the adults and the kids one year, without asking us if we minded. Ds was less than impressed I have to say. I was Hmm as the charity she used was not one I would have used, and I would have liked to have the choice of which charity to donate to.

purplepidjin · 04/11/2011 18:23

Do it, and use it as an amazing learning for your kids while they're still young.

A few years ago, I spent three days over Christmas volunteering with Crisis. I was single, no kids, so only had to buy for adult friends and family. They all got an hour of my time instead of a card/present and it was very much appreciated! I just wish I could do it every year, but three 80 mile (each way) trips to London is just not feasible Sad

Original poster
joshandjamie · 04/11/2011 18:24

azazello - I would absolutely tell others coming to us not to buy gifts and to explain about the charity thing. It's more the kids I'm worried about

OP posts:
azazello · 04/11/2011 18:26

In that case YANBU

ecclesvet · 04/11/2011 18:27

YABU. You've had 364 days to give all you like to charity, Christmas is about giving gifts to friends and family. It would be fine imo to just not buy anything big and give what's left to a good cause, but to deliberately choose inexpensive presents just so you have more for charity is a bit odd.

Andrewofgg · 04/11/2011 18:29

At least don't send cards. I send a donation to the charity whose cards I used to but and write to or email the recipients instead. I started doing that two or three years ago when the UCW were threatening to hold all our cards to ransom and never looked back. More for charity, less for their members. Win, win.

chunkythighs · 04/11/2011 18:29

Ask for your friends and family to donate to those charities instead of buying you a gift.
Oh do you get the big pile of gifts under the tree after all? Hmm

My advice-Buy all the children gifts, ask your family and friends not to buy you anything/donate to charity and donate yourself. For the love of God don't tell your family that you bought a goat in Africa while carrying an armful of presents all for you!

IneedAbetterNickname · 04/11/2011 18:33

YANBU! Oxfam do good charity gifts. Last year my friend bought her Aunt a goat for a village in the 3rd world somewhere. Aunt got a nice picture of said goat, and it is named after her too. A couple of years ago we donated to a charity through the Disney Store, DS1 wanted to. He got a pin badge in return, but knows he bought a toy for a child somewhere who wouldn't get one otherwise

Christmas is about giving gifts to friends and family umm says who?

MrsUnassumingTroll · 04/11/2011 18:34

I see where you're coming from OP, but I think the kids should have something to open.

Perhaps give them some money to donate to a charity of their choice, and help them to research charities? IME, child sponsorship is a great one (S.O.S. Children). They can write letters to the sponsored child (won't get them back, but still) and use it in the context of learning about another culture.

IneedAbetterNickname · 04/11/2011 18:34

whoops meant to make that bold not crossed out Blush

Bonkerz · 04/11/2011 18:34

Sounds fine if all in agreement. We are doing Xmas on a budget. Kids getting second hand items and smaller gifts and have been told Santa does not need a list this year as he will buy things they will like but he is poorer this year!

cat64 · 04/11/2011 18:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Serenitysutton · 04/11/2011 18:59

I'm with ecclesvet- we could all live on less so why does the give money to charity vibe only hit at Xmas? Personally I'd be somewhat peeved if someone bought me a goat for Xmas. Why not go all year without take away/ cinema trips/ a new dress once and sponser the goat for you instead, rather than making the sacrifice someone elses who mightve wanted a lean mean fat reducing grilling machine instead?

FabbyChic · 04/11/2011 19:01

Charity begins at home, so you want to give to a charity that takes in excess of 50% towards admin costs?

Charming.

troisgarcons · 04/11/2011 19:06

This is where I miss my mothers sense at Christmas - we sort of did away with the profligate presents for presents sake a long time before she died. I would get a years supply of tights, shampoo, conditioner etc etc plus a couple of nice items of clothing.

I have an absolute abhorant dislike of gift sets.

Serenitysutton · 04/11/2011 19:15

Takes 50% in admin costs? Do you know that? There isn't actually anything wrong with that, for all you know that 50% yeild far more than that in donations through their expertise.

banana87 · 04/11/2011 19:24

YANBU but YABU to expect your kids to understand this. Why not do a huge clear out before Christmas of the toys they don't play with anymore? You don't have to spend a fortune, but why not meet in the middle and spend half of what you normally would and give the rest to charity. Or spend the full amount and give two huge bin bags full of toys no longer played with Smile

exoticfruits · 04/11/2011 19:29

Have a car boot sale of the old toys before Christmas and give the proceeds to charity (making sure you have asked them first).

Original poster
joshandjamie · 04/11/2011 19:34

This is less about me wanting to give to charity (although I do think it's a nice thing to do and I do give year round too). It's more about this notion that it's Christmas therefore we must buy each other gifts. Every year I buy my sister in law something I think she'll like. Every year she looks at it as though she'd really rather I hadn't. Similarly, she buys me something which obviously cost a lot of money but is really not to my taste. Yet we do this ridiculous thing each year. I genuinely wouldn't mind not getting presents. But I just can't imagine my kids not getting - hence the token stocking items and one item from FC but stopping there. I hate the idea of buying for the sake of buying. If there was something they genuinely wanted (other than an ipad!) then I'd perhaps not be thinking like this.

Might go with Cat64s suggestion of wrapping things they would normally get anyway.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 04/11/2011 19:35

I never donate to charity, and if I was in a position to do so I'd give money to Great Ormond Street Hospital direct, or McMIllan direct I'd never go through a third party.

I'd also never give to overseas charities.

RomanKindle · 04/11/2011 19:38

YANBU. You are right that it is seeing the big pile of presents that is the main thing imo and the suspense. I would make sure they had quite a few things to open but why not get a fair amount of it second hand from charity shops then you will be helping twice. Also cheap and cheerful gifts that get used up will help cut down on having unnecessary stuff - sweets, smellies that sort of thing.

Original poster
joshandjamie · 04/11/2011 19:38

Well fabbychic, I'm from Africa and I kind of like supporting where I'm from. Different strokes and all that.

OP posts:
slavetofilofax · 04/11/2011 19:46

Support Africa with your own presents, not the dc's. If you want to involve them with charity and teach them all about it, you could sponsor an African child and get then to write or draw pictures.

If the problem is too much stuff in your house, get them to have a good look through their toys this weekend and give them to Oxfam.

But don't take away the magic of FC and presents just because you want to do a charity thing and you don't want more stuff in the house. You can teach your children the meaning of Christmas at the same time as giving them presents, the two things are not mutually exclusive.