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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSis sharing a bed with her BF

89 replies

gofrotoes · 04/11/2011 00:34

My Parents are going back to greece for christmas and usually we would all go with them but for various reasons it doesn't really make sence (pregnancy, exams, jobs etc) So we are doing Christmas without them at mine and DHs house.
So there will be - me and DH, dBro1 and partner, dBro2 and DSis.

DBro2 girlfriend is going to come for boxing day but isn't staying (she isn't from too far away).

We live in a small terraced house - so sleeping wise will be a bit of a squeeze.

Anyway DSis will be 17 by the time Christmas rolls by. Her boyfriend (who is 19 - they have been together for about 2/3 yrs but knew each other before that) is in the RAF (and has some time off around christmas :) ) and will be spending Christmas eve and first part of Christmas day with his family (they do their main bit of Christmas eve night).

Anyway DSis BF is staying at ours Christmas day night (boxing day is a big deal for us)

DMum asked about sleeping arrangments over the 3 days and I told her. She hit the roft.

DSis and her BF are having sex, DSis checked with me that her and BF would be sharing a bed (of course).

My parents rule was/is always that you can't share a bed with a girl/boyfriend until you live together - that is always been their rule. Fine

DMum says that DSis is still under 18 and still has to abide by parents rules, especialy if she is still within the 'family' group (if that makes sence).

As far as I'm concerned my house, my rules.

DMum thinks we should continue their rule while they are away, I think that is ridiculous.

AIBU or is she ?

OP posts:
BabyDubsEverywhere · 04/11/2011 00:37

You house your rule imo, plus, she's 17, sex is a perfectly legal enjoyable activity, and shes doing it with her long term boyfriend....cant see the problem, her sex life has nothing to do with your mother.

worraliberty · 04/11/2011 00:37

YANBU at all

But having said that, my Mum would probably have felt the same...though perhaps slightly less vocal about it (not sure)

Either way, what she doesn't know can't harm her so I wouldn't have said anything...I learnt long ago how to keep the peace IYSWIM.

squeakytoy · 04/11/2011 00:39

You are right. Your house, and your rules. Your sister is old enough to be sleeping with him. She has been seeing him a long time, so not as if its a casual relationship.

However, for the sake of keeping parental peace and harmony, I would tell your mum that the bf is sleeping on the sofa or some other plausible white lie. Its not worth having a huge bust up over.. or spoiling everyones Christmas, and to be fair, what she doesnt know wont hurt her.

I am not normally a supporter of lying, but in some circumstances being a bit vague with the truth to a parent who is being old fashioned for no good reason is acceptable..

Original poster
gofrotoes · 04/11/2011 00:39

worra I wouldn't have said anything normally - but she did ask...

OP posts:
worraliberty · 04/11/2011 00:44

See me and Squeaky were brought up the same Grin

Even if she asked I would have said he'll be on the sofa....so everyone's happy.

And yes, I realise you shouldn't have to lie but....well it does keep the peace and certain people/generations are totally different to us.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 04/11/2011 00:45

You have two options really don't you - tell your Mum that it's 'Your house, your rules' or tell her that you'll make alternative arrangements for DSis's BF, but if you did that, would your brothers tell her the truth?

LeBOF · 04/11/2011 00:46

I think I'd revise the arrangement, at least in theory, so that the boyfriend sleeps on the couch. I can understand why your mother is uncomfortable.

MollyintheMoon · 04/11/2011 00:46

I would do as squeaky says. It's not worth the hassle of insisting 'your house, your rules' with your mum.

In fact I would make him actually sleep on the sofa. It's much more exciting as a teenager to sneak into your bf/gf's bed.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 04/11/2011 00:46

Is a roft a greek roof? Grin

I'm with Squeaky & Worra - I would have lied in the first place Grin Lying to parents about crap like this is totally not 'lying'!

Bogeymanface · 04/11/2011 00:48

I'm with Squeaky. Have a word with your Dsis about what you are going to say and make sure that you sound put upon and pissed off, otherwise she will smell a rat if you are "OK mum, you are right tra la laa"! Then lie.

I wouldnt normally advocate this but the row that could ensue means that this is the lesser of 2 evils. Even if he did sleep on the sofa I am sure that they will manage to get together at some point, they wont want to waste his time off!

Bogeymanface · 04/11/2011 00:49

Ooh, good point about your brothers. Either get them onside or pretend that you dont know that she is sneaking down for a bit of sofa action :o

Original poster
gofrotoes · 04/11/2011 00:50

I may blaim the not lying in first place on preg-head.
And off course it is chipping Blush

OP posts:
Bogeymanface · 04/11/2011 00:51

Oh and if you go for "turning a blind eye", make sure you put a sheet on the sofa Wink :o

madhattershouse · 04/11/2011 00:53

Just don't do what en ex-boyfriends parents tried to do to me. They wanted to put me in a fold up bed - next to THEIRS!! I was 17, engaged to him (oops) and had been together for 18 months. I was more than a little Shock at the idea. Mind you, that could be what you have done as a solution to the space problem to your parents Grin

madhattershouse · 04/11/2011 00:54

Doh! What you SAY you have done.

DogsBestFriend · 04/11/2011 00:58

Beggared if I'd lie. I'd tell DM that both I and DSis are not children and that I make the rules in my own home.

I'd be miffed because this is not ONLY about your DSis being treated as a grown up but also because I would object to my DM treating ME as a child and telling me what I could and couldn't permit in my own home. I'd consider it a potentially slippery slope and feel that if I gave in to her demands about this issue I'd be opening the door to further commands about what I could and couldn't do. (Reference the AIBU topics where Mothers/MILs tell adult offspring how to raise their DC/run their marriages and homes etc!).

KatieMiddIeton · 04/11/2011 01:02

yanbu.

If DM is so concerned about parenting perhaps she shouldn't be bogging off to Greece leaving her apparently "under age" daughter behind. Except that she is over the age of consent, it's your house and you don't mind so it's none of DM's business.

LeBOF · 04/11/2011 01:03

Yeeees, I do take your point, DBF. But I think I'd err on the side of keeping the peace in this situation. If the sister was eighteen, I'd perhaps make the stand.

Thumbwitch · 04/11/2011 01:04

I would not lie - but I would make the peace by saying that you will make up the sofa for the BF to sleep on. You can make it up all you like, but it will be entirely up to him whether or not he stays in it. Grin Just stick to the literal truth as you have seen it - so long as you don't see your sis having sex with her BF (and let's face it, you and she will NOT want that to happen) then you can pretty much deny knowledge if you choose your words carefully. (And yes, I know that is a lie by omission, but I think sometimes those are ok - and this is one of them).

You are not in loco parentis to your sister - you don't need to be - if your parents have an issue with it then it's up to them to do something about it, not foist the responsibility onto you.

Bogeymanface · 04/11/2011 01:05

LeBOF is right in that keeping the peace is the best thing for now. After Xmas would be a good time to have the "my house my rules" conversation, to get it out of the way before next Xmas! Doing it now would put a damper on the whole thing for everyone (including the mum).

DogsBestFriend · 04/11/2011 01:13

I know, I know! :o

It's just me... I'm looking at the situation as if I were the OP and I'm just too bloody old to be doing with being told what to do in my own home!

I seriously would be a tad concerned about future demands if I let this one go, were I in the OP's shoes though.

garlicBread · 04/11/2011 01:24

YANBU, OP, and YDMIBU (gotta love those acronyms!) While I'm generally in favour of forthrightness, boundary-setting and being assertive, some parents just can't give up their feeling of entitlement to dictate their offspring's lives ... let me tell you about that, if you've got a few days spare Hmm

In a case like this, I recommend lying. For the pure of heart, I thought Thumbwitch's suggestion absolutely brilliant Grin

Just do that for two Christmases running, then Mum will stop asking and even let them share a bed at her house! Shock

Moominsarescary · 04/11/2011 02:13

I like thumbwitches idea, I think I'd go with that one. Dp and I leave together and have a child but his dm won't let us stay in the same room at hers. Luckily she only lives around the corner so it hasn't come up.

Moominsarescary · 04/11/2011 02:14

Leave? Live even

nomoreheels · 04/11/2011 07:27

Yanbu at all to say your house, your rules... that said, I seriously hope your dSis wouldn't have sex in a tiny terrace crammed full of guests. Hearing other people having sex is 'orrible. She should at least wait for you all to go to the pub/for a walk & pretend to want to stay home because they're "tired". :)