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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSis sharing a bed with her BF

89 replies

gofrotoes · 04/11/2011 00:34

My Parents are going back to greece for christmas and usually we would all go with them but for various reasons it doesn't really make sence (pregnancy, exams, jobs etc) So we are doing Christmas without them at mine and DHs house.
So there will be - me and DH, dBro1 and partner, dBro2 and DSis.

DBro2 girlfriend is going to come for boxing day but isn't staying (she isn't from too far away).

We live in a small terraced house - so sleeping wise will be a bit of a squeeze.

Anyway DSis will be 17 by the time Christmas rolls by. Her boyfriend (who is 19 - they have been together for about 2/3 yrs but knew each other before that) is in the RAF (and has some time off around christmas :) ) and will be spending Christmas eve and first part of Christmas day with his family (they do their main bit of Christmas eve night).

Anyway DSis BF is staying at ours Christmas day night (boxing day is a big deal for us)

DMum asked about sleeping arrangments over the 3 days and I told her. She hit the roft.

DSis and her BF are having sex, DSis checked with me that her and BF would be sharing a bed (of course).

My parents rule was/is always that you can't share a bed with a girl/boyfriend until you live together - that is always been their rule. Fine

DMum says that DSis is still under 18 and still has to abide by parents rules, especialy if she is still within the 'family' group (if that makes sence).

As far as I'm concerned my house, my rules.

DMum thinks we should continue their rule while they are away, I think that is ridiculous.

AIBU or is she ?

OP posts:
LydiaWickham · 04/11/2011 14:09

Spiderpig8 -would you still forbid your DCs to eat a whole bag of haribos when they are 17 and expect other adults to inforce your choice or would you think by that age they should be making their own dietary decisions?

Honestly OP, if you are happy with them sharing a room, and all the rest of your guests aren't fussed, then why should your mum make a decision about when she deems a relationship to be acceptable and expect everyone else to follow it?

Also, tell your mum be careful what she wishes for, does she want your DSis moving in with him now? Your mum might think your DSis is a child, but she's not.

spiderpig8 · 04/11/2011 14:23

no but i might forbid them to sleep together and yes, I would expect other adults to respect my wishes an my rules with my minor child.

ENormaSnob · 04/11/2011 14:29

Your dsis is not a child.

Your mum is bvu.

Yanbu.

caramelwaffle · 04/11/2011 14:53

What are your parents thoughts to your unmarried brothers not sharing beds with their partners? Is it a gender issue, rather than an age issue?
It might require a different answer.
Tell your parents it is a campbed - to keep the peace.

Original poster
gofrotoes · 04/11/2011 18:34

diddl what over christmas school hols - she will be with us for all of it (parents are basically going for all of school holidays)

caramel well DBro2 girlfriend is just coming for the day on boxing day and isn't staying and DBro1 and partner fall 'under their rule' as they live together.
They where the same with all of us.

None of us followed that particular rule - me and DBro1 us to cover for each other all the time

startail I suppose it is but then me and DH got together at 12 and where having sex way before DSis and BF were. Blush

OP posts:
gardenpixies32 · 04/11/2011 19:23

The woes of mad Greek parents. Mine are the same.

They live in Greece and their 4 daughters are scattered all over the world, none married but all living with partners. However, when we visit and we are 32, 29, 26 and 22 we are not allowed to sleep in same beds as DP's!!!!! It is madness.

My father says that what we do in our own homes is our business but he will not give any man who is not married to his daughters permission to share their bed.

Best just not tell her.

Kitchentiles · 04/11/2011 20:06

Tricky one. My initial reaction was my house, my rules but I'm actually finding it difficult to refute spiderpig's argument. Surely we all expect the people who care for our DC to respect our rules, whether or not they agree with them? And while most of us think that 17 is old enough to make your own choices, she is technically still a minor and she still lives with them. She is still their responsibility.

So am surprising myself by saying that I think you should go along with your mother's wishes.

diddl · 04/11/2011 20:15

I don´t think that it´s mad not to want your 17yr old daughter who is still at school not to be having sex.

OP-is she staying with you because she doesn´t want to be alone or because your parents don´t want to leave her in the house alone?

PigletJohn · 04/11/2011 20:29

diddl
"I don´t think that it´s mad not to want your 17yr old daughter who is still at school not to be having sex."

Not mad to want it

Mad to seriously imagine that what you want is going to make the slightest difference.

Sorry.

Eggrules · 04/11/2011 21:35

I think you can still say your house therefore your rules. Say that it would be easier/ you have no issue with Dsis sharing a bed. You could still leave the argument between you Dsis and your mum. I would let them sort it out.

FlangelinaBallerina · 04/11/2011 22:59

You can get married at 17 without parental permission in Scotland.

PigletJohn · 04/11/2011 23:30

you can shag without parental permission at 16 in England

Provided you do it in the back seat of a car, in the woods, in a phone box, behind the gasworks, in the pedestrian subway, etc.

IMO a comfortable bedroom among a welcoming family is a much more positive and healthy option.

Thumbwitch · 04/11/2011 23:32

Pigletjohn - I want to Like your post of 20:29!
So true...

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 04/11/2011 23:42

I agree with your mum on this one. I know she's 17 and can shag where she wants and it's your house your rules etc etc blah blah, but your mum obviously feels very strongly about this and I wonder if its really worth all the upset?

If at 17 I'd been given permission by a relative to stay over at theirs and have sex with my boyfriend (the same one who was off the scene a few months later to be replaced by another, and then another etc etc) I'd have been thrilled to bits, but as a parent of a child who is not that far off 17 I'm not sure I'd be so thrilled if DS and his GF were pointed in the direction of the bedroom by an obliging adult. 17 is still very, very young.

I'd do what an earlier poster said - make up a bed on the sofa (to keep your mum happy, as the responsible adult) and what they do after dark is their business.

Dozer · 05/11/2011 06:19

Your mum is being unreasonable. I would let'em share a room.

Dozer · 05/11/2011 06:20

Maisie, they're having sex anyway and have been together a long time. 17 is above the age of consent.

Original poster
gofrotoes · 05/11/2011 09:05

diddl I think a bit of both - it's the whole 2 weeks of christmas hols and it would be (for part of it) her and DBro2 in the house by themselves - they dont care about DBro2. but DSis also wants to stay with us - we live about 4 hrs away from parents and her, she has exams in Jan and also we dont get to spend know blocks of time together. So a bit of both.

I'm not 'encouraging' the sex (right word?) but she said when he is staying are they sharing a room - the answer yes.

DBro2 is on the sofa unfortunatly.

OP posts:
Maisiethemorningsidecat · 05/11/2011 09:14

Yes, they are having sex anyway - but that's not the point here, is it? This is about the mother's reaction, and whether or not the OP should be seen to openly condone it by allowing them to share a bed in her house.

Personally I wouldn't want to upset my mum that much for the sake of a 17 year old getting a shag - esp. as the Dsis still lives at home with her mum - which is why I'd say OK, I'll make up the bed in the living room for him, but then leave it up to their conscience.

Anything else just seems a bit like you're sticking 2 fingers up to mum, which seems sad given a)that it doesn't seem (from what the OP has said, unless I've missed something) as if they all have a poor relationship with her, and b)this is something that is really, really important to their mum.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 05/11/2011 09:16

Ah, missed the fact that the sofa is booked. Camp bed next to her is the answer, but I guess that's not going to placate your mum, is it?!

Original poster
gofrotoes · 05/11/2011 09:18

Mum is lovely maisie but I suppose me and DBros broke that rule as much as we could when we were still at home - and would cover for each other.Many a night I ended up sharing with DBro 1 or 2 so they could be with GF - musical beds at night and they did the same to me. I suppose I think it is a bit sad that DSis doesn't get that 'safety net' to switch and stuff and yet be covered

OP posts:
Maisiethemorningsidecat · 05/11/2011 09:20

And yet she's managing to have an active sex life regardless......Wink

Original poster
gofrotoes · 05/11/2011 09:23

At his usually, when he is back/before he went (he did join up when he was 17). - his parents have never had a problem with it. or when my parents were away.

OP posts:
Maisiethemorningsidecat · 05/11/2011 09:26

Hang on - if I've done my sums right, does that mean she's been having sex since before she was 16 (with an adult)? Could it be that your mum is more upset about this than she's letting on?

Don't worry about not being there to cover - loads of teens don't have that backup and still manage to have lots of sex regardless!

lauzb · 05/11/2011 09:29

Thumbwitch has the right idea I reckon...sly....very sly! :o

lauzb · 05/11/2011 09:31

ok...thumbwitch's post on first page...didn't see this last couple o pages!