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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DSis sharing a bed with her BF

89 replies

gofrotoes · 04/11/2011 00:34

My Parents are going back to greece for christmas and usually we would all go with them but for various reasons it doesn't really make sence (pregnancy, exams, jobs etc) So we are doing Christmas without them at mine and DHs house.
So there will be - me and DH, dBro1 and partner, dBro2 and DSis.

DBro2 girlfriend is going to come for boxing day but isn't staying (she isn't from too far away).

We live in a small terraced house - so sleeping wise will be a bit of a squeeze.

Anyway DSis will be 17 by the time Christmas rolls by. Her boyfriend (who is 19 - they have been together for about 2/3 yrs but knew each other before that) is in the RAF (and has some time off around christmas :) ) and will be spending Christmas eve and first part of Christmas day with his family (they do their main bit of Christmas eve night).

Anyway DSis BF is staying at ours Christmas day night (boxing day is a big deal for us)

DMum asked about sleeping arrangments over the 3 days and I told her. She hit the roft.

DSis and her BF are having sex, DSis checked with me that her and BF would be sharing a bed (of course).

My parents rule was/is always that you can't share a bed with a girl/boyfriend until you live together - that is always been their rule. Fine

DMum says that DSis is still under 18 and still has to abide by parents rules, especialy if she is still within the 'family' group (if that makes sence).

As far as I'm concerned my house, my rules.

DMum thinks we should continue their rule while they are away, I think that is ridiculous.

AIBU or is she ?

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 04/11/2011 08:09

At 17 I'd have expected the same reaction tbh.

Eggrules · 04/11/2011 08:21

You DMUm is BU. I agree with 'your house, your rules'.

Your parents think Dsis is old enough to spend Christmas abroad without her.

17 is young but your Dsis is in a long term relationship. Separate sleeping arrangements would be a pita.

hey will be at his house for Christmas Eve, where will Dsis and her DBF be staying the rest of the time?

tabulahrasa · 04/11/2011 08:23

Um, I don't think it is your house your rules - not for that

yeah she's 17 and it's not illegal...but that doesn't mean you let them do things you know they're not allowed to at home just because they're at your house.

DD has friends that aren't allowed to play as far away as she does, if they're staying at mine I wouldn't let them go to a park I know they're not allowed to go to

I don't really see that this is much different

Bonsoir · 04/11/2011 08:26

I think you have to pay lip service to your mother's rules and let your DSis and her BF do whatever they like in your house but not flaunt it.

manicbmc · 04/11/2011 08:34

I think there's a whole chasm of difference between a 17 yr old and a young kid being allowed to go to the park Hmm

I reckon the literal truth is the way to go. Having said that, I have a nearly 17 year old and I wouldn't be so Victorian about her having sex - though she isn't in a relationship at the moment so it's not an issue anyway.

TheQueenOfDeDead · 04/11/2011 08:36

Right so your parents are perfectly content with not spending Christmas with their 17 year old daughter but wish to treat her like a child by enforcing their rules from a distance?

They are BVU. In fact unbelieveably so.

Trying to prevent a 17 year old from having legal sex with a long term partner, whilst not "under your roof" is absurd.

And I am with DBF - I would feel very uncomfortable about being told by anyone that I must enforce their rules in their absence over something that really has nothing to do with them.

upsydaisysexstylist · 04/11/2011 08:40

Ahh, memories when my ds, then bf now my bil first stayed at my parents , I inisted I couldn't possibly share a room with her as was working shifts and would distrurb her , whilst they pretended he had slept in the fold up bed in her room. My sister protested at this amount of subterfuge as she was an adult at uni till I pointed out it was not lying, just giving my Dad a reason not to think his daughter is having sex.

heleninahandcart · 04/11/2011 11:08

Do the traditional right thing and lie. He is on leave, its Christmas. Your Mum is not there.

tabulahrasa · 04/11/2011 12:12

DD's 11, the friend I'm thinking of is 12 and IMO more than old enough to go to the park, so no I don't think it is that different.

At 17 her parents are still responsible for her, if they have rules that she knows and you know I don't think as an adult you should be helping her break them whether you agree with them or not

Especially as she's currently 16 anyway

Ceic · 04/11/2011 13:05

I'd out a campbed on the floor of the room that your DSis will have. It makes the subterfuge less work for you. And harder for your DBros to tell your DM thay caught the BF sneaking up. If they can't tell which bed the BF slept in, they don't have to lie to or tell your DM.

If your DM objects to that arrangement, point out that DSis and her BF get too little time together because he's in the RAF and so the private just-being-together is important.

Try not to let your DM have a chance to object until after Christmas.

SausageSmuggler · 04/11/2011 13:10

I agree with the majority your house, your rules.

My parents didn't let me and my bf share a bed at that age but it didn't stop us having sex.

spiderpig8 · 04/11/2011 13:18

Your DSis is still legally a minor and under her parents control.I think you should respect their wishes until she is an adult.

fedupwithdeployment · 04/11/2011 13:19

When DH (then boyfriend) first stayed at my house I was 24, and he was 27. My Dad would have put a stop to it, but the house was full - family staying for my mother's funeral. So he was in my bedroom, and we (I mean he!) had a campbed for him on the floor. It made Dad happ(ier). It also set the precedent - the next time he stayed we didn't bother with the camp bed!

PILs on the otherhand wouldn't let us stay in the same room (they don't have a double bed in anycase) until we married at the ages of 30 and 33.

Good luck. Subterfuge is the way ahead.

shineynewthings · 04/11/2011 13:21

To put a different spin on it..Maybe as older sis, your mother is expecting you to set an example. And I think there is an argument to say that you would be colluding in undermining a statute or boundary that has been set by your mother, who I think should still be listened to, especially if 17yr old is still living with mum. I think you are sending the message that mums rules can sneakily got around. Just a thought. I understand where your mums coming from, mine was like that, and I think it's wrong to work with your sis to deceive her.

diddl · 04/11/2011 13:33

Well I´m obviously waaay out of touch as I find just(?) 17 young & tbh if it´s only one night I´d prefer them to sleep apart.

fit2drop · 04/11/2011 13:41

Your mum should realise that your sis is having sex quite legally, maybe not under her roof but definately somewhere. So as much as mum can dictate what goes on under her roof she cannot dictate when, where and if a 17 yr old chooses to have sex anywhere else.
I would doubt very much your sis will do anything other than sleep anyway, 17 yr olds are too concious of others "hearing them"
or was that just me Confused

Family politics + Christmas= always gonna be a strain on someone .

LydiaWickham · 04/11/2011 13:42

Oh I'd tell my mother to wind her neck in - it's a cramped house and you've sorted sleeping arrangements that keep all the adult guests in your house happy, why make extra work to keep someone happy who's not even going to be there?

I also agree this is an easy one to put your foot down with you mum over before your DC arrives, your house, your rules, if she doesn't like it, she can make alternative christmas arrangements for the family. It sets the tone nicely that you don't have to just do what she says anymore.

Luckily, it's only November, so you've got time to have the arguement and for your mum to have got over it so it's not a problem at Christmas.

spiderpig8 · 04/11/2011 13:48

OK so as long as you don't mind your mum breaking your rules with your own Dc?
or is that 'different'?

Ephiny · 04/11/2011 13:48

Your house, your rules. Your mum can 'forbid' your sis to sleep with her boyfriend if she wants, but I don't think she can expect you to enforce her rules in her absence. I don't see what 18 has to do with it, 16 is the age of consent and it's quite legal for a 17 year old to share a bed with her boyfriend.

Sharing a bed does not equal having sex anyway, you can do one without the other, either way round!

startail · 04/11/2011 13:51

YANBU, 17 is relatively young to an old codger like me, to have had a serious boyfriend for 3 years.
But your Mum is living in cloud cuckoo-land trying to pretend they don't sleep together and really does need to get a grip if she is going to maintain a grown up relationship with your DSIS.

Oakmaiden · 04/11/2011 13:54

Thing is, 17 is this legal grey area, isn't it? Old enough to leave home and get married, old enough to have sex legally, but also still not quite an adult.

I would suggest you say "OK Mum, I will make him up a bed on the sofa.". And then make him a bed on the sofa, go to bed before him and sleep soundly. If your sister chooses to break her mother's rules then that is then between her and your mother - you have provided the boyfriend with somewhere else to sleep.

spiderpig8 · 04/11/2011 13:54

'I don't see what 18 has to do with it, 16 is the age of consent and it's quite legal for a 17 year old to share a bed with her boyfriend.'

It's quite legal for my mum to feed my DCs a whole bag of Haribos, doesn't mean I wouldn't forbid it.And expect my mum to follow my rules with my DC.

spiderpig8 · 04/11/2011 13:56

Youi can only get married with parents' consent though.

teacoupons · 04/11/2011 13:57

YANBU. It's your house and your rules. Carrying on your mother's rules is plain silly, if you ask me. You are not your mother.

At 17, sex is perfectly legal so there should be no concern there.

diddl · 04/11/2011 14:07

It is legal & I would say it´s up to the OP.

I personally wouldn´t be happy about it I don´t think.

Where is your sister staying when she´s not with you, OP?