Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

to ignore my son whacking a little girl?

118 replies

Nicdigby · 02/11/2011 20:18

My 4 year old son has NEVER (honestly) hit another child (apart from his brother). Seriously - he is very gentle (too gentle really) and will just take it if kids hit him, or run away crying.

His 2 year old brother broke his collar bone last week and is in a sling, all trussed up.

There was a little girl (about 2.5 - 3 yrs) at playgroup this morning who hit my 2 year old DS several times. I remove him from situation. Other mother does nothing. The same little girl has been a thug at the same playgroup before, hitting other children while the mother does nothing. Really annoys me, that type of behaviour (not the hitting child - I know they go through stages. But the mothers who do nothing about it while their child is hurting others, that really upsets me).

Same little girl this afternoon in playground hits and pushes 2 year old DS 4 or 5 times. My DS does really well at controlling himself and does not retaliate. Other mother is standing right there and does nothing, again.

As I get up to intervene, the little girl hit DS on his broken collar bone (not in plaster). He bursts into tears. Whereupon my older 4 year old DS slaps her hard round the head. Other mother looks at me like I should now be doing something.

I'm afraid I thought to myself "good, well done older son".....AIBU?

OP posts:

goodasgold · 02/11/2011 22:52

Well to me two year olds are like (big) babies. Protect your son, don't make your bigger son feel like he has to do it for you. I'm not saying your son was wrong, I'm saying you were.

Lucy88 · 02/11/2011 22:56

There are times when you have to tell your children it is ok to defend themselves/and or stick up for themselves. Ny Nephew has been a 'hitter' since he was about 18 month old. I have taught my DS to walk away when his cousin hits him and come and tell me. I generally (if I see my Nephew hitting) put him on time-out. He doesn't hit as much as he used to, but as he has got older (he is now 4) he is a lot more sly about things. (My DS is 6)

He will be perfectly well behaved when I am in the room, but if I go to the toilet or to get a drink or have a shower, he will immediately play up and hit my DS for no reason. He seems to think that if I don't see him do it, he won't get in trouble. I have now told my DS, that if his cousin hits him, he can push him away very firmly. Nephew was very shocked the first time my DS gave him a good push and burst into tears and cam erunning to tell me. I explained (very calmly) to him, that every time he hit DS he would get a firm push, so if he didn't like it, then he should stop hitting DS.

After a few good pushes from my DS, Nephew has very quickly realised that he doesn't like being pushed and every time he hits he is going to be pushed away. Lets just say, it has done the trick. Nephew has stopped hitting my DS because he now knows he is not going to get away with it anymore.

Nephew has had a bit of a shock starting mursery - thought he could get away scot-free hitting other kids. After a few slaps and kicks back, he has soon realised that other kids fight back. He was soon put in his place, has now stopped hitting and is doing really well at nursery.

I certainally wouldn't ever encourage my DS to go round hitting other kids, however I do tell him (if he is hit or threatened) to say in a very loud and fierce voice 'Dont you dare hit me'. It generaly works, but he has also been told, if they then hit you again, you can hit back.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 02/11/2011 23:11

I think your older DS reacted completley instinctively and stuck up for his little brother. I would have been proud of him for looking out for his kid brother. I dont care how unpopular it is, I would rather my two stuck up for each other than not. I was also told never to start a fight but to finish it. No one bullied me in my very rough school...I was glad of the advise and will use it myself. I never started but I finished whenever I had to. For many people life isnt quite as rosey as it may seem on mumsnet and toddling off to tell an adult wouldnt work in practice unfortunatly.

goodasgold · 02/11/2011 23:30

I don't think that interim posters have thought that

protecting your child is your responsibility

not your four year old son's.

You could have said 'hey missy we don't hit each other' so loud that the mother would have answered. Or just moved your son. Don't let him get struck on a broken bone. Don't leave it up to your four year old son how to deal with it.

madmomma · 02/11/2011 23:33

YANBU to feel that way - I would, but I think it might be good to say to your 4yr old that in future if a girl picks on his brother he should shout 'don't you dare hit my brother' at the offending brat's face as loudly as poss. That's what I'd say anyway, but hell what do I know. If it's a boy however, I think it's perfectly acceptable for your son to whack him if he picks on his baby brother. So long as he never hits first.

hmc · 02/11/2011 23:34

What can I say op - I shouldn't condone this but personally in your situation I would have felt the same

nailak · 02/11/2011 23:45

yanbu, it is obviously nice that your sons instinct is to protect his db from harm! that is why you are happy, not because of the violence.

just tell him (as you probably have) next time protect him with your words.

I dont think it is feasible to keep a 2 year old strapped up, or to have them within arms reach every second, and it is not fair to keep them in for weeks!

Rollon2012 · 03/11/2011 00:04

As much as children shouldnt hit its vital children learn the law of the playground
I.e you push your luck too far you come a cropper,

And no earlier post its not DV please stop being so hysterical and trying to implying poor OP who has tried to diffuse a difficult situation calmly who is secretly pleased that playground bully got a taste of her own medicine, is compliant in DV

TheBrideofFrankenstein · 03/11/2011 00:09

If I see another child hitting/kicking my child, I tell them off myself.

I'm not going to let my child suffer from other people's lazy parenting

goodasgold · 03/11/2011 00:52

No I just think that op should have protected her ds and actually not let the shitkid hurt him. I've said it a couple of times now and can't be bothered any more, just none of you ever come near me or my dc in the future ever. I don't like your style to duck out of a confrontation and let your four year old do it for you. Not nice.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/11/2011 09:16

Agree with the posters who say that OP should have intervened and not left it to her 4 year old. I wouldn't have stood by and let the other child hit mine, not at any age.

I do also though agree with troisgarcons regarding "don't hit first, hit back harder". If that rule is followed bullies know that they are likely to ind that their 'victim' won't stand for being hit, and that's no bad thing.

It's taught in martial arts too, not to hit but to defend. That doesn't mean that the aggressor escapes without a scratch or a bruise.

mrszimmerman · 03/11/2011 09:22

what were you doing while this girl was getting in so many punches?
there's a hitter in my dd's playgroup, mother always laughs it off, we all just stand near our children when he's around, he never gets a punch in.
Where were you?
I think this lass shouldn't have had the opportunity, your responsibility to protect your child.
Playgroups are full of random unpredictable behaviour.
Not that I condone any hitting but it's up to you too.

QuintessentialShadow · 03/11/2011 09:25

Do you think maybe the mum was of the school of thought that you ignore bad behaviour and praise good, but just got it a bit erm, wrong?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 03/11/2011 09:33

YANBU. I felt similarly when ds (then Y5) kicked a little PITA at school.

I guess you should have been closer by, but these things happen quickly so I'm not too critical about that aspect.

shesparkles · 03/11/2011 09:34

I do also though agree with troisgarcons regarding "don't hit first, hit back harder". If that rule is followed bullies know that they are likely to ind that their 'victim' won't stand for being hit, and that's no bad thing.

I'm another one whose children who have been taught the above and it WORKS.
I mentioned it in conversation with ds' teacher and albeit off the record, she agreed. In her opinion it gets a situation over and done with at the time rather than becoming an ongoing bullying situation

AnnieLobeseder · 03/11/2011 09:36

I'd have been proud of my elder DC for defending their younger sibling, but, I would have explained that while their motives were good, they shouldn't have done it but instead asked an adult to help.

As for the little girl whalloping your DS, I learned a good trick from a friend about these situations. If the parent is doing nothing when their child is hurting yours, you gesture to the situation and politely ask them, "Are you going to deal with this or should I?" Then if they still do nothing, you tell their precious darling to please stop hitting. If that fails, loudly ask the parent if they feel it's okay for their child to hit others, and what kind of lesson is that to the other children. Shame 'em!

AnnieLobeseder · 03/11/2011 09:39

Oh, and for those trying to drag gender into it - come on! I'm as feminist as the next women (probably more so in fact) but at this age, gender is absolutely irrelevant. And I don't think you'd be doing your children any favours by highlighting gender differences at such an early age.

mumeeee · 03/11/2011 10:04

YANU to think that. But you should have intervened before and asked the mother to tell her DD to stop hitting,

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread