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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ignore my son whacking a little girl?

118 replies

Nicdigby · 02/11/2011 20:18

My 4 year old son has NEVER (honestly) hit another child (apart from his brother). Seriously - he is very gentle (too gentle really) and will just take it if kids hit him, or run away crying.

His 2 year old brother broke his collar bone last week and is in a sling, all trussed up.

There was a little girl (about 2.5 - 3 yrs) at playgroup this morning who hit my 2 year old DS several times. I remove him from situation. Other mother does nothing. The same little girl has been a thug at the same playgroup before, hitting other children while the mother does nothing. Really annoys me, that type of behaviour (not the hitting child - I know they go through stages. But the mothers who do nothing about it while their child is hurting others, that really upsets me).

Same little girl this afternoon in playground hits and pushes 2 year old DS 4 or 5 times. My DS does really well at controlling himself and does not retaliate. Other mother is standing right there and does nothing, again.

As I get up to intervene, the little girl hit DS on his broken collar bone (not in plaster). He bursts into tears. Whereupon my older 4 year old DS slaps her hard round the head. Other mother looks at me like I should now be doing something.

I'm afraid I thought to myself "good, well done older son".....AIBU?

OP posts:
MangoMonster · 02/11/2011 21:22

Agree with mildly.

MangoMonster · 02/11/2011 21:25

mildly agree with your first post not the second.

Xmasbaby11 · 02/11/2011 21:28

Well, you can't judge other parents then, if you're now condoning - and even pleased at - your child's violence.

i didn't see any sexist undertone to the story.

MillyR · 02/11/2011 21:31

I think that if a child is hit or sees another child being hit, they should tell an adult and not hit back. However, if no adult is around and they or somebody else is in danger, as a last resort they should hit back.

The problem in the situation that you are describing is that this girl is hitting other kids in front of adults, and none of the adults are doing anything to protect the other children. That is teaching the kids that it is basically dog eat dog and that adults don't protect kids.

I think if this other mother is doing nothing about her daughter, you (the OP) have an obligation to intervene with the daughter every time you see it happen. You are ultimately responsible for the safety of your own children.

startail · 02/11/2011 21:33

Boy x persistently bullied DD1 in Y6.
One day he repeatedly prodded her with his pencil in a lesson. Eventually DD1 got fed up and hit him.
Unfortunately her teacher saw her, fortunately her teacher was well used to x's antics. DD lost half her break, he lost all of his. She thought that was fair.

lurkinginthebackground · 02/11/2011 21:34

Well I think the girl's mother was bu.
I cannot abide anyone who thinks that either they or their child can do exactly as they please without consequence.
I hope she leant a valuable lesson. Actually I feel sorry for the child having a role model like that. Never showing her how to behave with others, setting her up to be disliked and without friends. Very bad parenting indeed. Takes a lot of guts to say something to someone else's child but I do it now. I always step in and tell the child that they are doing wrong etc.
Next time I would step right in if this girl looks like hitting and calmly explain to her why it is wrong, seems like she doesn't have the correct guidance from her own mum.

Cherriesarelovely · 02/11/2011 21:35

OP I agree with you. Seriously, my DD has also never hit anyone but if she did under those circumstances I would talk to her about it but I would not be angry.

academyblues · 02/11/2011 21:35

I'm still confused as to why a 2 year old with a broken collar bone was more than a hair's breath away from an adult who could whisk him away if a child known to hit came anywhere near him, let alone after she'd pushed him 4 or 5 times.

As I said previously Grin.

If more proactive action had been taken by the adults concerned, this situation just wouldn't have happened.

slavetofilofax · 02/11/2011 21:41

You shouldn't have needed to be that close when the other Mother was practically on top of her hitty child.

YANBU at all, I would be very proud of one of my boys for sticking up for the other.

academyblues · 02/11/2011 21:44

I'd be VERY close to my 2 year old with a broken collar bone in any type of play group/play ground situation.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 02/11/2011 21:49

I don't have any problem telling someone else's child off.

This little madam has 'form' - she wouldn't be getting within 6ft of DS2 with a broken collar bone.

However, if she had somehow managed to and this had happened I would have turned a blind eye to DS hitting her back. It's not like he just walked up to her and whacked him one.

If her parents wont bring her up - the other kids will.

goodasgold · 02/11/2011 21:51

A two year old is just like a pretty big baby. You should have prevented the little girl from hitting, by asking her, or her her mother, shouting if necessary or moving your ds.

Don't let that child hit your baby again! It should be possible without hitting her.

As for your ds 4 yo he knows better than to hit, but was obviously upset to see his brother in so much pain. Don't put him in that situation again.

But I wouldn't be cross with ds, I would be cross with myself.

ChippingInAutumnLover · 02/11/2011 21:53

She's not a baby - she's 2.5/3 and the same size as the Op's 4 yo.

She's regularly bashing other kids... she is going to have to learn at some stage that it's not acceptable and if her parents wont teach her that, other kids will.

Whatmeworry · 02/11/2011 21:56

I would have said (loudly) 'Now we don't hit do we DS. Even when someone keeps hitting you. I know she hurt DS2's broken bone and she wouldn't stop hitting, but we still don't hit.'

Truly Brilliant :)

gordyslovesheep · 02/11/2011 21:56

I think YABVU to call a 2.5 year old a thug - she's is a small toddler - stop viewing their behaviour as adult - toddlers do hit - and yes mum should have said something - but your child is no better than hers

Miette · 02/11/2011 21:57

YANBU

RosemaryandThyme · 02/11/2011 22:02

It is right to hit, in many circumstances.

As adults we judge other adults rightness to hit according to the level of provocation.

I am 37, if an adult hit and upset my 40 year old sister I would intervene to prevent it happening again, and do so physically if necessary.

gettingolderdaybyday · 02/11/2011 22:08

YNBU. I crouched down next to a little girl who was repeatedly smacking my crying 2.5 year old (big for his age, ridiculously soft) on the head at a soft play thing and said "please can you stop hitting him now, it's not kind and he's crying" and then took him to a different area. I had looked around to see if the girl's mother was around to intervene and to give my son a chance to tell the girl "No" when she started but nothing was happening so I stepped in. As we were going to leave and I was carrying my 1 year old and my 2.5 was next to me the mum came up and had a huge, angry, swearing go at me for telling off her child and said I should mind my own f*ing business etc and to never go near her child again and also said she'd been watching it all and my son was no angel (I'm sure he's not but I had not seen him do anything. Even if he had I would expect her to tell me, ask him to stop etc). The whole thing completely shook me up, I'm a bit of a confrontation wimp (know where my son gets it from!) and has put me off ever saying anything for fear of the response I might get. I ended up apologising which in hindsight is ridiculous but really didn't want to get angry/upset in front of the kids. I really admire the people who stand up and don't care about the consequences (for some reason that sounds sarcastic written down but it's not!)

goodasgold · 02/11/2011 22:23

No to me a 2yo is like a baby. They still drink milk and have naps and stuff.

If it was me I think I would have stopped it happening in the first place.

Move him, pick him up.

Nobody hits my baby.

QuintessentialShadow · 02/11/2011 22:27

Yanbu, for thinking it.

The comment to make to the mum who glared at you would be

"Lets hope she can take it as well as she dishes it out"

Then to your child "no no Tommy, it is WRONG to hit other children, even if they hit first, this little girl has not yet learnt this".

Or something to that effect.

MillyR · 02/11/2011 22:32

A 2 year old is not a baby. Babies play alongside others. 2 year olds play with others. They should have some sense of the feelings of others; as parents we have an obligation to guide them in that.

It certainly doesn't mean the girl is a thug though; as the OP says it is probably just a phase. But that phase needs to be dealt with by adults.

PoppadumPreach · 02/11/2011 22:37

Absolutely YANBU. I love the perfect theoretical approach to perfect parenting you are being given here. They forget it's not the world of "two spherical children in a vacuum" it's real life.

There was no excessive violence, just a big brother standing up for his younger sibling. Sex of kids is irrelevant though. Well done DS1.

RomanKindle · 02/11/2011 22:48

YABU.
You should have gone to the mother the first time your child was hit and if she did nothing you should complain to the playgroup leader. I'm sure she wouldn't be allowed to keep attending if she is hitting people as much as they say she is. Or the leader could have a word which may cause the mum to sharpen up her act.
Kids should be reprimanded for hitting full stop imo. Do you want your kids to be walloping each other back cos the other one hit first or do you want them to let you dish out the punishment?

ChippingInAutumnLover · 02/11/2011 22:50

No to me a 2yo is like a baby. They still drink milk and have naps and stuff

Sorry, tenna lady moment.

RomanKindle · 02/11/2011 22:50

By 'dish out the punishment' I don't mean walloping them yourself btw!

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