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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ignore my son whacking a little girl?

118 replies

Nicdigby · 02/11/2011 20:18

My 4 year old son has NEVER (honestly) hit another child (apart from his brother). Seriously - he is very gentle (too gentle really) and will just take it if kids hit him, or run away crying.

His 2 year old brother broke his collar bone last week and is in a sling, all trussed up.

There was a little girl (about 2.5 - 3 yrs) at playgroup this morning who hit my 2 year old DS several times. I remove him from situation. Other mother does nothing. The same little girl has been a thug at the same playgroup before, hitting other children while the mother does nothing. Really annoys me, that type of behaviour (not the hitting child - I know they go through stages. But the mothers who do nothing about it while their child is hurting others, that really upsets me).

Same little girl this afternoon in playground hits and pushes 2 year old DS 4 or 5 times. My DS does really well at controlling himself and does not retaliate. Other mother is standing right there and does nothing, again.

As I get up to intervene, the little girl hit DS on his broken collar bone (not in plaster). He bursts into tears. Whereupon my older 4 year old DS slaps her hard round the head. Other mother looks at me like I should now be doing something.

I'm afraid I thought to myself "good, well done older son".....AIBU?

OP posts:
JarethTheGoblinKing · 02/11/2011 20:54

How did he break his collarbone btw?

BupcakesandCunting · 02/11/2011 20:54

I teach DS to tell a grown-up.

If it happens again, I teach him to shout "NO YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HIT ME" at full volume in the face of the hitter.

If that doesn't work, he has permission to punch in the face.

Amen.

banana87 · 02/11/2011 20:55

Nope, I wouldn't punish him. Why should he be pushed and hit and not allowed to retaliate? How is the other child ever going to learn not to hit if she's not hit back?

My DH was bullied at around age 4-5 by his neighbor. One day he had enough and pushed him, he fell down the stairs and broke his arm. Never bullied DH again. Grin

ScarlettIsWalking · 02/11/2011 20:56

Your 4 yo whacked a 2 yo baby across the head and you are proud... You describe HER as a thug. Am I in a different world? That is absolutely revolting. What kind of person are you? Do you actually posess any morals?

HildaOgden · 02/11/2011 20:58

I think that little girl learned a lesson the hard way today,a lesson her mother should already have taught her.

That if you hit people,someone,one day,is gonna get pissed off enough to hit you.

It's not politically correct to think the way you do,Nicdigby,but I totally get where you're coming from.

As for the 'Male hits female, but she deserved it. Now where I have I heard that before?" comment,how about this:

Female hits male...and she gets away with it.

Lookattheears · 02/11/2011 21:00

*I teach DS to tell a grown-up.

If it happens again, I teach him to shout "NO YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HIT ME" at full volume in the face of the hitter.

If that doesn't work, he has permission to punch in the face.

Amen.*

Exactly the same here, Bupcakes.

brdgrl · 02/11/2011 21:00

I've noticed that some parents won't say anything to reprimand someone else's child. I can understand why, given the way some other parents might respond! but I think it's awful. If another kid is being bullying or even just a bit too rough, I say something to the kid - I am nice and friendly, but I say something like "ok, now wait your turn" or "honey, that's too rough". So far no one has had a go at me for it, and I don't care.

At the playground the other day, a 4 year old kept yelling "go away" at my 17-month-old and blocking her whenever she wanted to get on any of the equipment. He was there with his dad and sister. I kept looking at the dad as I went over and intervened, waiting for him to say something. The 6 year-old older sister told me "he's a real bully!" A few minutes later, the dad told me basically the same thing - I was angry - as if that makes it ok, that you just acknowledged that your kid is a little shit? I ended up telling the kid that he needed to "knock it off".

troisgarcons · 02/11/2011 21:02

BTW - seeing as the feministas are out - FWIW mmy aunt had an abusive husband. He knocked her about once or twice. She picked a dog lead, the old fashioned chain ones. She gave him what for.

They had one of the longest and happiest marriages. Neither ever saw the need to resort to violence after the dog lead episode.

Bullies don't like people standing up to them.

OP - Your son, aside from giving someine a slap actually did a good thing today. He stood up for and protected his younger brother. That is the admirable thing.

activate · 02/11/2011 21:03

there is a stage when your child has to learn to defend him/herself

not sure this was it but there is a stage when walking away / telling does not help their ego / self-confidence / social status

that is not to say violence is condoned but it is the law of childhood and adults forget sometimes with our nice liberal viewpoints that it's a different world our children inhabit

I'm talking a fair few years after toddlerhood (but before teenage)

Whatmeworry · 02/11/2011 21:03

Very conflicting advice here today - some saying I should teach NEVER to hit, others saying to teach to hit back/hit last

Depends whether you want to prepare DCs for an ideal world or reality. It starts with other mothers not reprimanding their tykes and carries on till 6 th form.

Lookattheears · 02/11/2011 21:05

I think I have done myself a mischief laughing at the idea that a 4 year old hitting a 2 year old is domestic violence!

runningwilde · 02/11/2011 21:05

Why didn't you tell the mother to tell the girl off or tell the girl
Off yourself - yabu for not telling the mum to tell her her bully of a daughtet off or telling her off yourself

I can understand why you didn't say anything when your son reacted BUT you should have said something to mum/girl in the first place

BupcakesandCunting · 02/11/2011 21:07

I always said that I would teach DS that hitting is bad and not an acceptable form of response when being hit.

However, my naive views have been skewed since DS started school and has come home with claw marks in his face from the same little shit (yes I called a child a little shit, big deal) and despite him always telling a teacher, it persists. So now I tell him to push him away. I'm not being PC at the expense of my son being a push-over, thanks.

runningwilde · 02/11/2011 21:07

Bupcakes... I likaaaa your style! :-D

NoobyNoob · 02/11/2011 21:08

YANBU at all, I think I would've done the same thing in your situation.

Kladdkaka · 02/11/2011 21:08

Lookattheears I'm glad you had a laugh. It seemed to go over the heads of everyone else and I'm in the doghouse again.

tobyrat · 02/11/2011 21:10

Your 2yo DS with a broken collar bone - when taking him to the playground in this condition, I would strap him into a buggy and give him something to keep him occupied - food/toy/whatever works. I would stand right by the buggy at all times and if a child approached I would be ready to physically push their arm away if they tried to hit my injured child. Then I would tell the child not to hit DS.

FabbyChic · 02/11/2011 21:10

You are at fault here because you are an adult and should have said to the mother are you not going to tell your child it is wrong to hit others, are you not going to intervene and tell her it is wrong to hit other children?

Where were you vocally? Why did you let the situation to get to the point that she hurt your childs broken bone? Shame on you because you dealt with the situation incorrectly.

Stand up for your children do not leave it to your 4 year old to stand up for his brother when you as the parent should have opened your mouth and spoke to the girls mother.

brdgrl · 02/11/2011 21:12

Your 2yo DS with a broken collar bone - when taking him to the playground in this condition, I would strap him into a buggy and give him something to keep him occupied - food/toy/whatever works. I would stand right by the buggy at all times and if a child approached I would be ready to physically push their arm away if they tried to hit my injured child. Then I would tell the child not to hit DS.
really? you'd keep your kid restrained and not allowed to run and play for teh entire duration of his healing? that seems terribly unfair...kids with casts and slings still need to play! OP has acknowledged that she maybe could have stuck closer to him, I think, but I can't understand anyone saying she was in the wrong for letting her injured kid play with other children!

JarethTheGoblinKing · 02/11/2011 21:12

What Fabby said Grin

tobyrat · 02/11/2011 21:15

brdgrl - however long do you spend in the playground? I pick up my children and go home - few mins max - don't really see how that is not allowing a 2yo to run and play - it is just a few mins out of a whole day?

FabbyChic · 02/11/2011 21:18

See if any child ever went to hit my child I always said don't do that it is wrong. Always. My children never hit others and others never hit them, what is the world coming to when it becomes acceptable to stand by and let another kid hit your child?

Were you too busy gassing gossip with the other chavs?

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 02/11/2011 21:18

If a child goes around hitting and there are no negative consequences they will carry on hitting.

This wasn't a one off, the child kept hitting, the mother kept ignoring.

Obviously you don't teach them to hit and you tell them off, but with small children the whole turn the other cheek message is difficult to get across.

It sounds like your DS was patient and didn't hit first or even hit back when he was the one being hurt. He only did it when his little brother was hurt.

I would have said (loudly) 'Now we don't hit do we DS. Even when someone keeps hitting you. I know she hurt DS2's broken bone and she wouldn't stop hitting, but we still don't hit.'

The reality is if she goes around hitting other children she's going to get hit back.

brdgrl · 02/11/2011 21:21

brdgrl - however long do you spend in the playground? I pick up my children and go home - few mins max - don't really see how that is not allowing a 2yo to run and play - it is just a few mins out of a whole day?

Maybe that's it, we're talking about different things, I guess! I'd usually spend 30 or 45 minutes at the playground with DD. Longer if she has the energy and I have the time!

Do you mean that you are just there to pick up other kids who have been there by themselves or with a CM, and then leave? I had the impression that OP was talking about a longer play session at which the whole point was for her two kids to get to play.

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 02/11/2011 21:21

I never hit people as a child. When my older sibling fell and hurt themselves and an older boy laughed I kicked him. Very hard. The OP's DS was very zen until his brother was hurt.