to ignore my son whacking a little girl?

[Nicdigby]

My 4 year old son has NEVER (honestly) hit another child (apart from his brother). Seriously - he is very gentle (too gentle really) and will just take it if kids hit him, or run away crying.

His 2 year old brother broke his collar bone last week and is in a sling, all trussed up.

There was a little girl (about 2.5 - 3 yrs) at playgroup this morning who hit my 2 year old DS several times. I remove him from situation. Other mother does nothing. The same little girl has been a thug at the same playgroup before, hitting other children while the mother does nothing. Really annoys me, that type of behaviour (not the hitting child - I know they go through stages. But the mothers who do nothing about it while their child is hurting others, that really upsets me).

Same little girl this afternoon in playground hits and pushes 2 year old DS 4 or 5 times. My DS does really well at controlling himself and does not retaliate. Other mother is standing right there and does nothing, again.

As I get up to intervene, the little girl hit DS on his broken collar bone (not in plaster). He bursts into tears. Whereupon my older 4 year old DS slaps her hard round the head. Other mother looks at me like I should now be doing something.

I'm afraid I thought to myself "good, well done older son".....AIBU?

She didn't say it was ok to hit another child - she has already said she took her son away from the situation. She PRIVATELY THOUGHT good on her son, but didn't say congrats and give him a high five.
I would have probably spoken to the little girl first, on thinking about it,though.

Jareth
That's my question, I know it's wrong to think "good, she got what she deserved" but that's what I did think. (not say out loud obviously)

Oh - if you'd already told the mother and she'd done sod all then maybe what your DS1 was driven to by the girl's repeated violence on DS2 was the only message she'd 'get'. Sad if so.

(Do tell him you understand why he hit her but never to hit anyone round the head again though)

YANBU for secretly thinking well done ds :)

But you watched her push your child 4 or 5 times before you intervened ? You should have reacted much more quickly and not left it to your 4 year old. And if you didn't tell the 4 year old off for hitting, then he now thinks it's ok surely ?

I used to have a little boy who would never hit anyone back, or stand up for himself.

For years he was pushed around by other children.

Then one day when he was 7 he had enough, and he hit back. But harder. Cue 4 years of us telling him to WALK AWAY. Even when we were secretly thinking "well done". So, no YANBU to be secretly pleased, but YABU to ignore the situation.

Surely you should have had a word with the girls mother, and pointed out your DC had an underlying injury just to make her feel bad?

I had already spoken to the little girl about it about a month ago, when she was hitting lots of children at the playgroup. And again today, she was whacking DS on the head, and the playgroup leader told me to intervene and get the girl away from the situation. So I did, and the little girl started to kick me and scream.

I don't get why you did not intervene quicker if she was hitting several times and you knew your child had a broken bone so could be hurt badly if hit on the broken bone, as he was??

My goodness kladdkaka totally different situation than DV , their kids gender does not come into it. So its ok then for female to hit male then . I would have thought the same op, but would have intervened a lot earlier and told the girl off everytime I saw her hit.

*sapphire" but the other mother was RIGHT there next to them, and I was about 8 feet away. I was trying to let her handle her own child.

i think YANBU to be secretly a little bit glad that your son stood up for his brother.

BUT...i think you should have said something to reprimand your son - not for that other kid or her mum's sake, but just for your sons' own well-being. You probably don't want them to get conflicting messages, that sometimes it is ok to hit or be hit.

Well, you said that you understood that children go through phases and then that you felt glad that your DS hit her. Contradicting yourself a bit there.

I understand that you felt like that, it's just normal protective instinct towards your children. That's not how you phrased it though, it came across in your OP that you said well done son to your 4yo. From your subsequent posts that's clearly not the case.

I do think you should have stepped in earlier and removed your 2yo from the situation. I've been there, and you just remove your child, reprimand the offending child, or you speak to the Mother.

nicdigby Oh yes. Don't start it, finish it is a very important lesson. Neither of them have ever been bullied. They also have the sense not to fight back or exacerbate when they get mugged and are out numbered as bothe have been on several occassions.

Life skills are very varied.

Our rule is that you never,ever throw the first punch.

But make sure you throw the last.

Sometimes it is justified to hit back. I will not condone my children being bullied or attacked by another so we teach them that if they are hot they walk away, the complain to an adult and they ask the person to stop. If they do not stop, they are welcome to hit them back. And all my kids are very strong so that should then be the end of it.
i will not allow them to be anyone's victim.

Anyway... after all that rambling my point is that your DC need to see you standing up for them. The fact that your 4yo felt the need to stand up for his little brother, even though you were right there, demonstrates that he feels he needs to protect his little brother. Admiral thing indeed, but he shouldn't have had to do it.

op you said that you were 8 feet away, and you were trying to let her handle her own child. However you have also said that in the past she has stood by and done nothing to discipline her dd. Therefore I would have not trusted her to do the right thing this time.

I'm still confused as to why a 2 year old with a broken collar bone was more than a hair's breath away from an adult who could whisk him away if a child known to hit came anywhere near him, let alone after she'd pushed him 4 or 5 times.

lookattheears, so would think a child a victim if they stood up to someone who hit them by saying 'stop hitting me, I don't like it' and walked away?

"Male hits female, but she deserved it. Now where I have I heard that before?"

What the bloody fuck? What about female hitting male? What about any gender hitting any gender being wrong instead of using this as a pathetic springboard for a feminist argument?

Male hits female, but she deserved it. Now where I have I heard that before?

Good lord some people will see DV in anything!

A good rule to teach your children is never hit first, just make sure you hit back harder. That way they don't become lifes victims.

Sounds good to me. Works at school too with bullies.

Very conflicting advice here today - some saying I should teach NEVER to hit, others saying to teach to hit back/hit last.

YANBU.

YANBU. Good. But you should have said something loudly to the girl so that her mother could have heard earlier and it would have never have got to this stage.

I think general consensus that I should have been closer to him though in the first place.

So I am going to take that one on board. You're right.

You teach a 4yo never to hit. Children are black and white, they do not understand grey areas. They need a yes or a no on things, not a 'it's OK to hit in this, this or this situation'

Seriously....

You are at fault for not stepping in sooner and not protecting your son.