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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended by this?

89 replies

CailinDana · 02/11/2011 09:05

My FIL is a racist. He would say he isn't but he is. To give background, I'm Irish, PILs (and DH of course) are English but they lived in Ireland for over 10 years when DH was little. We had the PILs to stay at the weekend while we did up the kitchen and FIL commented that I should say to my parents that I did the work myself and that I "didn't need to get a Paddy or a Pole in to do it for me." My response was (lightheartedly) "Well I did have to get a Paddy in, but the Paddy was me." He had no response for that. Thinking back on it I'm really annoyed that he basically used a racist term for Irish people in front of me. My main concern is that if he keeps making these sort of remarks that DS, when he's older, will start to pick up on them.

Other gems include calling the Chinese person next door a "cufflink" Confused. Should I say something, or just let it go?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/11/2011 09:07

What's a 'cufflink' other than a device to hold sleeves together? Sorry, OP, just had to ask. Confused

Original poster
CailinDana · 02/11/2011 09:08

God knows what "cufflink" is. He said it in the usual way he makes racist remarks so I know it was meant to be a derogatory way of referring to the fact that he's Chinese.

OP posts:
goodkate · 02/11/2011 09:10

On a personal level, I'd tell him (with a very sweet smile on your face) not to refer to the Irish as "paddys" if you find it offensive.

On a general level, Just let it go, it's his problem, not yours.

Whatmeworry · 02/11/2011 09:10

Paddy is hardly a racist term for the Irish FGS!

OnlyWantsOne · 02/11/2011 09:11

Tell him to shhhhhhh

worraliberty · 02/11/2011 09:12

I've never heard of a 'cufflink'?

With regards to the term 'Paddy'...well it's one of those words that either offend you or it doesn't.

My whole family are Irish on both sides and they all use the phrase 'Paddy' without a problem.

However, you can normally tell if someone is using it in a negative way.

Original poster
CailinDana · 02/11/2011 09:12

Yes it is Whatme.

OP posts:
Psammead · 02/11/2011 09:13

I should imagine that cufflink is rhyming slang.

YANBU. Just tell him not to use the word.

worraliberty · 02/11/2011 09:14

And actually my FIL is Scottish and he always used the term 'Jock'

So I do think it's one of those words where the context is everything.

slavetofilofax · 02/11/2011 09:14

I've never heard of cufflink either, but I'm guessing at some kind of crap rhyming slang - cufflink/chink.

Very rude.

I would say something, definatly.

My parents were Arab, and although I consider myself British, someone used the phrase 'Lying Arab' to me last week when complaining about a tradesman they were using. I was quite surprised at how offended I felt, never having experienced anything like that before. I spoke to other people about it and apparantly it used to be a fairly common phrase. I was so shocked at the time, I wasn't sure I heard correctly, but I wish I had said something and I will if I hear it again.

You and your child simply should not have to feel that your heratitge is being talked about in a derogatry (sp!) way, especially by your own family, and that's why you should say something.

SarahStratton · 02/11/2011 09:14

If I can get told off for calling Japanese people 'Japs', then Paddy is definitely racist.

Original poster
CailinDana · 02/11/2011 09:16

I agree context plays a role. However, I would never call a French person a "frog" to their face, and I think this rates on the same level.

OP posts:
sevenbubbles · 02/11/2011 09:16

Yanbu but I think it is a generational thing. My mum is Irish and my dad actually calls her paddy. They are both in their 70,s I find it odd. My mother doesn't seem to care. My aunt was also married to an English man and he was forever telling "Irish" jokes. Everyone used to laugh but even as a child I couldn't understand why it was funny to imply the Irish were thick.

Because you find it offensive he should temper his language. Having said that my mum frequently refers to the fact that paddy built all the roads for example. I think it is a throwback from rather more obvious racial behaviour towards the Irish.

goodkate · 02/11/2011 09:16

On a wider social level it also depends on the person. I'm the least ist person I know but I still call the French 'Frogs' on occasion and I don't find it offensive if they refer to us a Roast Beef or Limeys.

But it does depend on a persons underlying beliefs and the context I.e.is it a bit of light bantering or genuinely felt racism/xenophobia, I would suggest the we all know the difference and you obviously know your FIL is racist deep down.

diddl · 02/11/2011 09:16

Oh dear, I have an awful feeling that cufflink rhymes with a derogatory term for Chinese.

I think he used Paddy in a derog. way tbh- the way he said "Paddy & Pole" & the link to manual labour.

And why does OP need to be saying anything like that to hr parents a all?Confused

Think your going to half to tell him to shut up with his comments in future tbh.

worraliberty · 02/11/2011 09:19

Actually the Irish and Polish are well known all over Europe for their excellent standard of building and other manual labour...so I don't think the 'work link' has a racist tone.

Re the 'French/Frog' thing...you've got a point!

Really there are some things that offend one person but not another...so YANBU to tell him it offends you and you want him to stop saying it.

Original poster
CailinDana · 02/11/2011 09:19

I think you might be right about the rhyming slang. He often makes very small minded comments and I took it in this context. For example the other night he commented that Sophie and Sian and Corrie weren't convincing because they "didn't look like lesbians." He said it seriously too!

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 02/11/2011 09:22

Paddy most definitely is a racist term for an Irish person.

LadyBeagleEyes · 02/11/2011 09:23

As a Scot, where we're often referred to as Jocks, I can honestly say it doesn't bother me.
I suppose it's all in the context though.

valiumredhead · 02/11/2011 09:25

I have an old Richard Scarry's Busy People book from when I was little and the police van is described as the 'paddy wagon' - had to do lots of editing when I used to read that to ds! It really shocked me tbh, can you imagine that being in a book now?!

RedHelenB · 02/11/2011 09:28

I loved that Richard Scary book when I was little.

goodkate · 02/11/2011 09:28

It is about context, if someone called my a limey, I wouldn't be offended if I knew the person wasn't racist. But then again someone I knew very well said 'Yo Bitch' in a jokey way and I bit their head off there and then.

We should tell people what we find offensive straight away, not only will it modify their behaviour towards you (and no doubt cause them some embarassment), but modify their behaviour towards others.

sue52 · 02/11/2011 09:32

I'm Irish and have never considered "paddy" to be racist, the cufflink thing is a bit odd though. Be careful before you accuse your FIL of racism as he was brought up in a different era to you and has not been made as aware of other peoples sensitivity.

Whatmeworry · 02/11/2011 09:42

Paddy is not racist ffs, no Irish person except the Professionally Offended will be offended by that, we even have a brand of whisky called "Paddy" in Ireland fergawdsakes.

And "Pole" is not a racist term for a Pole either....

I think you are waaaay oversensitive OP.

Abra1d · 02/11/2011 09:45

There is an online betting site called Paddy Power operated by an Irishman. Perhaps he doesn't think it's offensive?

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