Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re: Divorce and pensions.

84 replies

watchoutforthatsnail · 01/11/2011 07:42

Talking at work yesterday. Most of the women in my office believe i am wrong for staking a claim on my ex husbands pension. One said to me, as the main bread winner in her family, it is not her fault if her husband has no pension and she would be discusted if he tried to take some of hers.

Is this the consensus view?

I was a bit shocked tbh.

It is the only thing i am taking, here was no house, there are debts, which are bing jointly paid. He was forces, so i gave up a chance of a career to follow him around. The pension is the only pay off i shall get. The only thing to compensate in any way. I know it makes no difference in the eyes of the law, but we split up because of years of constant affairs and emotional and physical abuse.

So - AIBU to take a percentage of his pension? and am i doing women a dis service by doing so?

OP posts:
LeoTheLateBloomer · 01/11/2011 07:50

I don't know what the general consensus will be tbh but I'll tell you this:
My family was really shocked and disgusted at my uncle's ex going for half of all that he had. He had worked his arse off and she had contributed nothing financially to the relationship. In addition, it was her who had the affair and went off with a multimillionaire which made the whole this even more unjust.

I think it's a very tricky one because it will always come down to who did what to whom and who has earned more. In my very simplistic view, I believe you should get out what you put in.

If my stbxh had any legal advice he would be told that he was entitled to half my pension. He scrounged for our entire marriage. He brought nothing financial but left us in incredible debt. If he had decided he wanted a share of my pension I'd have fought tooth and nail.

ithaka · 01/11/2011 07:50

Why should you get a 'pay off'? Do you have dependent children to support?

LeoTheLateBloomer · 01/11/2011 07:51

the whole thing even more unjust.

stripeybumpinthenight · 01/11/2011 07:53

I think you are being entirely reasonable - as you say, you have sacrificed your career for his. The law recognises your contribution accordingly.

Sounds like you're well shot of him too so well done x

SkinnyGirlBethany · 01/11/2011 07:54

I find it wrong to be honest- makes the marriage a grabbing affair in my eyes. Especially if no children.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 01/11/2011 07:55

yes. we have a child.

The army states what i am entitled to claim. So that is what i was going to take.
I always worked, though i had to change jobs frequently with all the moving around. With all the moving around i had to give up my career and finally i was left doing a shitty job, but thats the only job there was ( out in germany) so i idid it. I supported him through two wars. He cheated relentlessly.
Should i not get a pay off?

Gosh - im really shocked.

OP posts:
ithaka · 01/11/2011 07:57

No, you should not get a 'pay off'. He should continue to support his child.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 01/11/2011 07:58

I have no pension because of the constant moving, you usually have to be in a job more than 12 months to get into the pension scheme.

Twice i was left homeless, once from germany when he decided to leave me and our 20 week baby. It cost me thousands of pounds to sorrt my self out with a new house.

And i really shouldnt take any of his pension? really?

OP posts:
tiredemma · 01/11/2011 08:00

I think that you should be entitled to some of his pension. You gave up the chances and opportunity of having stable employment yourself to follow his career around.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 01/11/2011 08:00

he should and will continue to support his child. that is not the issue.

He is on a very good wage. ( of which i supported him through 10 years of climbing that career ladder... i made just as many sacrifies as he did to get there. actually maybe more)

The disparity between our wages is so huge my divorce laywer has said i woiuld be entitled to montly maintance from him. which i have refused.

OP posts:
mumblechum1 · 01/11/2011 08:01

I never normally say this, but AIBU is the worst possible place to put this.

There is an excellent Legal Section with many family specialist solicitors and barristers who will be happy to give you free advice.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 01/11/2011 08:02

I am legally entitled to it.
So its not in question if i am. but if i should take it.

There was no house, which is normally the case in divorces. NO assets to be divided.

The only thing there is, is the pension.
( bearing in mind i can only stake a claim on the pension that was accured during the time we were married...)

OP posts:
iskra · 01/11/2011 08:03

I think in your case you should take some of his pension. Think this is one that really varies case by case.

Original poster
watchoutforthatsnail · 01/11/2011 08:04

ah - but its not an ' am in entitled to' because i know where i legally stand. i have a solicitor.

it is a aibu - because i wanted to know what people think, becuse i was shocked at what people at work thought.

im going to claim it, without a doubt. The law says im entitled. The army says im entitled and thats enough for me.

OP posts:
Rangirl · 01/11/2011 08:04

The law in this area is there .It affects women and men.You have legal entitlement .IME 95% of people in any situation take their legal entitlement.YANBU to take yours.That's the way I see it.I do not see it as a moral mater.I suggest you do not discuss it with people at work ,they may have their own agendasGood luck

Croydonsortofmother · 01/11/2011 08:04

I know someone who wanted to stay in the house (jointly owned) so had to buy her husband out by paying for his half share. A solicitor told her that she could caim against his pension by paying half of his half share ie paying him a quarter of the house value to eliminate any future claim against his pension.

NinkyNonker · 01/11/2011 08:05

If you had to sacrifice your earning potential to help forward his then yes, of course you are entitled.

nomoreheels · 01/11/2011 08:06

It sounds perfectly reasonable to me. You have given up your career and have been left financially high & dry as a result. You're not even going to see the pension until much further down the road I assume?

As for other posters projecting because of their deadbeat ex or someone else's... this hardly seems a similar case.

NinkyNonker · 01/11/2011 08:08

I'm very surprised at he reaction you have had to, nothing in your posts suggest sponger, or layabout as has been hinted at. And get back what you put in has to apply to non-monetary contributions as well, otherwise it is grossly unfair and potentially sexist.

attheendoftheday · 01/11/2011 08:10

YANBU. Of course you're entitled to a % of his pension. Your actions in sacraficing your career allowed him to continue his. It's no more money grabbing than expecting half of other finances on a split. The army clearly think you have a right.

Many years before I was born my grandmother was divorced by my grandfather when his mistress got pregnant. She had no right to their house, bank account, anything. Her and DM were out on the street with nothing. Thank god we have a fairer legal system now. It is not money grabbing for either partner to expect a share of what's been accumuated during marriage.

GooseyLoosey · 01/11/2011 08:14

Pensions are now counted as part of the available assets for distribution in a divorce.

An ex-spouse can be granted a pension sharing order which means that he or she is entitled to a percentage of the other party's pension. That share will either be held within the same scheme to provide a separate pension for the ex-spouse or (more usually) transferred to a new arrangement for them.

There are other types of orders dealing with pensions but this is now the main one and the only one which acheives a clean break.

Of course you don't have to be given part of the pension, you can take more of something else instead, but it should be counted in the overall pot available for distribution.

So no, YANBU.

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 01/11/2011 08:21

I think it's perfectly reasonable. And no I don't think you are doing women a disservice in fact I think the opposite.

makingmama · 01/11/2011 08:22

YADNBU! My DF was in forces and my DM and us have always had to regularly move etc, meaning my DM has had no chance to have a career (until later in life). DM has no pension because of this etc, she has brought up 2 dc a lot of the time alone, away from all family/friends etc. All of this my DM has done to enable my DF to do well in his career. People can't even beign to imagine how difficult this way of life can be for a woman unless they have done it/seen it.

I think you should absolutely take it, you have sacrificed A LOT, so it's just equaling things out a bit IMO.

Andrewofgg · 01/11/2011 08:22

YANBU.

The ones who are bing unreasonable are those who want the house and half the pension!

Strictly what an XW who has a pension too should aim at is not half the pension but such a proportion of XH's as will equalise the outcome.

Andrewofgg · 01/11/2011 08:23

being, damn it, not bing, must warm up my fingers . . .