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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re: Divorce and pensions.

84 replies

watchoutforthatsnail · 01/11/2011 07:42

Talking at work yesterday. Most of the women in my office believe i am wrong for staking a claim on my ex husbands pension. One said to me, as the main bread winner in her family, it is not her fault if her husband has no pension and she would be discusted if he tried to take some of hers.

Is this the consensus view?

I was a bit shocked tbh.

It is the only thing i am taking, here was no house, there are debts, which are bing jointly paid. He was forces, so i gave up a chance of a career to follow him around. The pension is the only pay off i shall get. The only thing to compensate in any way. I know it makes no difference in the eyes of the law, but we split up because of years of constant affairs and emotional and physical abuse.

So - AIBU to take a percentage of his pension? and am i doing women a dis service by doing so?

OP posts:

MavisG · 01/11/2011 08:23

Really surprised anyone thinks you unreasonable.

To only count monetary contributions to a marriage (by likening sahps/forces spouses to freeloaders) is to collude with the misogynistic view that traditional 'women's work' - supporting partner's career, caring for children - isn't 'real work', or even, is a lovely holiday at the expense of another.

alwayspoor · 01/11/2011 08:24

YANBU. I would want half of everthing based on what you have told us.

ZaraWara · 01/11/2011 08:25

Hi Watchout,

I just thought I would post (normally only a lurker) to say that I am in the same boat and doing the same thing! I was a Forces wife too and gave up my home, career, life etc, to follow my husband all over. I too have worked at any crappy little job I could get on our travels to prop up our household. Then literally out of the blue my husband decided he was desperately unhappy and his only chance at future happiness in life was to run off into the sunset with some one else.

He left me with no money except that which the CSA could extract from his supertight anus, no home (back to the military) and our small child to care for. I am now a single Mum relying solely on benefits. Am I going for half his pension? You bet. In fact, I am going to get everything I am legally entitled to. I am in this position because I trusted in him and in our marriage. So if any one is disgusted, they are quite welcome to be.

best of luck to you, my dear. I hope that better and happier times and ahead for us both! and of course YANBU.

Rollersara · 01/11/2011 08:29

My MIL recently divorced, having spent 15 years out of paid employment, as both parents agreed, to bring up 4 kids. FIL was determined she shouldn't have a share in his pension as he had earned it all. Even his solicitor advised that she was entitled to it, as her own pension was peanuts. In the end he got his way, but she got a much greater share of the house in return. And he wasted a lot of money in solicitors fees. I don't think YANBU.

Rollersara · 01/11/2011 08:33

Ahem. I don't think YABU is what i meant.

Original poster

watchoutforthatsnail · 01/11/2011 08:37

zara.

thank you for your post.
and a huge hug for an ex military wife. Hats off to us, we are awesome women.
It sucks. I work part time, but am on some benefits. He too pays minimal amount.
You know what its like, you give up literally everything, but you do it for the marriage, its so hard at times, but you do it because you think that person loves you.

Then when they decide to leave ( seen it happen a thousand times over) the wife is left homeless, miles and miles from family and friends, with no money and has to literlly build their life again.

its an appalling situtation.

( youi do know you are entitled to a share of the gratuity as well? take it. )

OP posts:

Adversecamber · 01/11/2011 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NinkyNonker · 01/11/2011 08:40

The op has always worked too. She has just had to nice around therefore not building a career.

ZillionChocolate · 01/11/2011 08:40

YABabitU in discussing your private financial affairs with colleagues. YANBU having that to which you are entitled.

rookiemater · 01/11/2011 08:44

YANBU. If you had not married your ex-husband and had a child you would have been able to pursue more of a career. Why should you suffer in penury in retirement because of decisions that were doubtless made jointly at the time and probably benefitted your ex-h more than you.

I would stop discussing with work colleagues though, keep it for Mumsnet or close friends.

alwayspoor · 01/11/2011 08:47

By the way good luck, I hope you get what you deserve and you sound well shot of the cheating bastard him.

CustardCake · 01/11/2011 08:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bramshott · 01/11/2011 08:52

YANBU. We have most of our pension savings in DH's name (for maximum tax benefit) and it's always been on the strict understanding that I would be entitled to half if we split.

cwtch4967 · 01/11/2011 08:53

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all!
I split with my ex (he had an affair) after 16 years of marriage. He was a police sergeant with a very good pension pot accrued. I had sacrificed my career so that we could move around for his - I had a few admin jobs but every time promotion / training etc came up we were on the move again and I was back to square one!
We had no children but did have a house with equity. He knew I would be entitled to a big chunk of his pension - I wanted a clean break so our solution was that I got most of the equity from the house and would not make a claim on his pension. This worked well for us as I could move on and buy somewhere to live. If we had not had equity in the house then I would have claimed against his pension.

Fuchzia · 01/11/2011 08:56

YANBU! You had no opportunity to save for your old age because you agreed to follow his career. I can't understand why people think YABU!

peppapighastakenovermylife · 01/11/2011 08:57

I think you definitely should have some of his pension as you gave up work to follow him round and look after your child. You didn't have the opportunity to build your own. A pension is simply deferred earnings really therefore you would have been entitled to those earnings when you were with him.

Out of interest does anyone know whether my DH would be entitled to some of my pension if we split up (we are not, we were just discussing my pension benefits!). I am the main wage earner and have always returned to work at 6 months after a baby. He has always worked but not been offered a company pension or chosen to put money in himself. He thinks he would be entitled to half my pension...I am not sure.

spookshowangellovesit · 01/11/2011 09:00

argh i truly loath this belief that when the marriage is over the woman should slink off with nothing be happy the man is paying his tiny bit of csa and start from scratch.
do people not understand that a joint decision was made for the man to work/have the career and with out the woman there to look after any dependants and home it would not have been possible.
so yes they are entitled to the pension because the law recognise that without the womans contribution at home there would be no pension. a marriage is a partnership when it dissolves you spilt the assets.

SmellslikeDEMONcatspee · 01/11/2011 09:04

YANBU, while neither I nor OH are in the forces as such (OH in TA) we do have a lot of friends who are. And sadly it seems to be always down to the woman to sacrifice her earning potential. I know several very well educated women who are doing menial jobs as they have not been in one place long enough to build up a professional reputation. Or companies locally won?t give them a chance as they know they?ll move on in a few years. Of course this is never acknowledged openly.

I don?t think unless you have grown up in a forces family you can understand how difficult it is. OH has done some tours both 3 and 6 months and that was ok as I was still in our home, with our friends etc, but to up sticks and move every 3 years or so and then be in a new places with him still away, not a hope in hell.

As said above ?Why should you suffer in penury in retirement because of decisions that were doubtless made jointly at the time and probably benefitted your ex-h more than you.? I would see it as your pension for the work you have done maintaining a home and raising a child. Sadly most people don?t see this as a job being worthy of a pension

slavetofilofax · 01/11/2011 09:11

Of course yanbu, for all the reasons that have already been given.

I think you should get monthy maintenance as well if you are entitled to it. You would be doing it to provide a home and to allow your child to have a mother around. Taking it from the person that made a descision to marry you and have a child with you, and who allowed you to sacrifice your earning potential for his, has got to be better than taking the money from the state.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be claiming benefits, you absolutely should, but I think if your ex can provide that money for you to live on instead, then he should.

Appuskidu · 01/11/2011 09:30

Just to be controversial...

What should happen if a couple split up and the man has a good job/pension, but the woman has never worked and never wanted/intended to. Presuming he pays good maintenance for their children-should he also give her half of his pension?

Original poster

watchoutforthatsnail · 01/11/2011 09:30

im pleased there is a more balanced view :)

I wasnt discussing it at work as such, more ex husband is being very awkward and harrassing around access at the momment, and i said i knew why ( because i do) and it was over the pension.... work asked what pension, so i explained.

probably my error.

OP posts:

Original poster

watchoutforthatsnail · 01/11/2011 09:33

appuskidu - yes, of course she should and the law recognises this.

She was probably looking after the home, and the child, therefore allowing the man to work and build his career. Marriage is a partnership, once you marry everything is halfed and decisions are seen as joint.

Also, non paid work, such as the above also counts.

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 01/11/2011 09:35

YANBU at all.

I do think the woman I work with who is going for half her husbands pension, when she has worked full time throughout the marriage, is selfish. She has her own very good pension, was recently promoted and is having an affair unkown to him. But that is my judgement on her.

Bugsy2 · 01/11/2011 09:39

Watching there is a move nowadays to try and make divorces clean breaks so that you don't have a claim on someone in 20/30 years time. I got divorced 6 years ago & the Court was very keen that I shouldn't have a claim on ex-H's pension. As it was, we had enough assets between us that I didn't feel the need to do that.
I think in your case, it is entirely reasonable to want a claim on your ex-H's pension. You made considerable sacrifices being married to a man in the forces & one of the few benefits is some entitlement to his pension. Will there be a clause in the settlement that says if you re-marry then you lose the entitlement? There often is.

SmellslikeDEMONcatspee · 01/11/2011 09:40

I do think in the situation where both work and have pensions, either each keep thier own OR it's all put in one big pot and split 50/50 once the childcare (if there is any) is taken out

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