Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is DH being unreasonable in saying that, because he works longer hours, his weekends are more precious than mine?

81 replies

LoveInAColdGrave · 31/10/2011 18:06

Or am I being unreasonable in not being sure he is right?

Background:

I work full time, about 9-6.30 most days, plus a commute of about 45 minutes each way. DH works longer hours, mostly at least 8-8 but often longer (eg getting to the office at 6am/working past midnight/working all night where needed).

Current issue:

We need a new car. We have looked at a lot, and concluded we will struggle to afford a brand new one or a demo model. We will therefore need to look at second hand. DH hates doing anything with his weekends that he doesn't consider fun. He does not consider that looking at cars constitutes fun (reasonably - neither do I). He has been a nightmare to persuade to garages at weekends to look at new cars and has complained vociferously. We are on a tight timeframe as we are expecting a baby, and can't fit it in our current car. I have pointed out (nicely) that looking at second hand cars is likely to occupy lots of weekends until we find the right car, and asked him not to moan about this. He has told me that because he works longer hours, his weekends are more precious than mine and so it is understandable that he complains about spending time doing things not deemed fun, while I take a more pragmatic approach.

Am I being U in finding this attitude a touch irritating? I do work full time, just not as long hours as him, and do most of the housework.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 31/10/2011 18:08

yes, he is BU

and an arse

it's more than a touch irritating, tbh

cjbartlett · 31/10/2011 18:09

god you do know these petty things are going to turn into whopping great isues when the baby comes?

is he going to ignore all childcare/help/housework etc at the weekends?

ScaredBear · 31/10/2011 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cjbartlett · 31/10/2011 18:09

I'd go out and buy a car on my own if I was you

HecateGoddessOfTheNight · 31/10/2011 18:10

so he claims that he works more hours than you do?

Write it down.

Hours he works
Hours you work
hours you spend doing the housework
Hours he spends doing the housework
hours you spend doing other household tasks (shopping, budgeting, dealing with people like utilities etc)

I bet that you work more hours than him!

Then take the list and shove it up his arse.

If he only values paid work, then life is not going to be fun for you, particularly when this baby is born!

Also - we all like to do fun stuff! But when you are a grown up, you have responsibilities. Life isn't all fun and games. You have to deal with the dull stuff too. so tough bloody shit.

squeakyfreakytoy · 31/10/2011 18:10

How many weekends can it take to find a car??? Confused

Look online, agree on what you want, go look at it in the flesh...

To be quite honest I wouldnt want to spend multiple weekends faffing about looking for a car either.

hellhasnofury · 31/10/2011 18:11

A touch irritating? No wonder. I think I'd tell him to naff off. It's not a pity competition, weekends are precious full stop. Buying a new car is a joint decision therefore he should be there. If he refused I'd buy the girliest, pinkest car I could muster. YANBU

FabbyChic · 31/10/2011 18:11

Why not just pick the car on your own?

I worry about how he will fit in being a father with his work and his fun times.

Seriously this man does not seem ready to have a child and you will end up doing everything yourself.

grumplestilskin · 31/10/2011 18:12

I'm sort of on his side cause I work the most hours here

but you could always go and pick the car by yourself and get the pinkest girl car you can find Grin

manicbmc · 31/10/2011 18:12

Get a pink one and put those gross looking eyelash things on the headlights. Grin

Uglymush · 31/10/2011 18:13

He is VBU.

Re the car - when we needed a new car in a hurry we decided on the make and model then went to our local dealer, gave them our budget and desires and they sorted it for us. Saved us a hell of a lot of time. - Might be worth a thought

grumplestilskin · 31/10/2011 18:14

"I worry about how he will fit in being a father with his work and his fun times.

Seriously this man does not seem ready to have a child and you will end up doing everything yourself."

give him a chance! I think expectant mums get into mum mode and think about changing priorities from BFP, or before if TTC took time, but men don't often really REALLY grasp it till the child is in their arms then they kick into action.

Some of the most selfish childfree people I know made the best parents, was hard to imagine them as parents in advance but once they got it, they really got it!

Putrifyno · 31/10/2011 18:14

Agree with APF - but is it THAT hard to buy a car? I would think one Sat am visit to a larger used car dealer is all that is required.....? 2 at a push?

During the Belgian Car "salon" week all the dealers have bargain offerings and we will go look at the shiny cars every year. That IS fun, mostly because they offer free wine and nibbles and I make dh drive.

pumpupthevolume · 31/10/2011 18:15

But why are you going to spend lots of weekends buying a car? That sounds like a huge waste of time and I would hate to spend my weekends doing that! Decide your budget, sit down together with a nice bottle of wine/ pot of tea and decide whatt you both want/ need in a car, then find it online. Much more efficient...

DontGoCurly · 31/10/2011 18:15

Tell him no-one's making him work those hours. It's his own choice.Tell him to get off his cross and stop being such a martyr!

GalaxyWeaver · 31/10/2011 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadameWooOOoovary · 31/10/2011 18:16

He is being very immature and thoughtless, and yes this will get worse when the baby arrives and interrupts "his" time at the weekend. You may well have found a car by now if it weren't for his whinging and timewasting.
You aren't a partnership with a person like this. Partners would alternate their weekends and learn the meaning of compromise. It's not on for him to make a unilateral rule which affects both of you, without giving you a say.

Goodadvice1980 · 31/10/2011 18:18

Have you thought about trading him in for a car??

LoveInAColdGrave · 31/10/2011 18:19

Wow, thanks for the support - I was mildly convinced that I was in fact being hugely unreasonable.

I don't really want to pick the car alone as it's such a lot of money to spend and I don't want to be solely responsible for making a bad choice (responsible either to myself of DH - I'd rather be able to share the blame when the one we choose falls apart on the way home [hgrin]. The actual amount of time we have spent looking at cars pales into insignificance with the time we have spent "discussing" when we can go and look...

I can see why DH feels grumpy - I do at least have some evening time at home, albeit punctuated by cooking and cleaning - but I also hate driving around looking at cars. We just need to get sorted and choose one...

OP posts:
squeakyfreakytoy · 31/10/2011 18:21

Who is going to be doing the majority of the driving, putting in of petrol, and getting the most out of this car? Whichever one of you it is, pick the bloody thing and go and get it.

Most of us cant afford brand spanking new cars, and buy secondhand... it really doesnt take months to do!

It is only a car.

ThisIsANickname · 31/10/2011 18:23

I don't think he is being unreasonable at all, actually. I mean, working from 8-8 minimum, but sometimes from 6 to past midnight??? I can completely understand why he wants his rest, relaxation and feels his weekends are precious.

I think that if he doesn't want to spend time looking for a car, but you do, maybe you should go without him... Of course, that does mean that he has to give up any decision making rights on the car (but that's fair enough, really).

LoveInAColdGrave · 31/10/2011 18:26

I am in awe over some of your car buying efficiency. Perhaps we are just unusually useless car purchasers... it just seems like such big commitment when it's so much money and we want make sure we're certain. Perhaps we just need to choose one more efficiently. We have actually only spent 2 days so far looking, just far more time angsting...

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 31/10/2011 18:26

Go & get a car YOU like & buy a parenting video with lots of cute but snotty kids in it that spells out in DETAIL what being a father involves.

Is he going to carry on working these hours when your DC is born?

Or are you going to get a nanny, 'cos it sounds like you'll be needing the support? Grin

LoveInAColdGrave · 31/10/2011 18:28

Yes, I am freaking out about his hours once the baby is here... I worry I will feel like a single mum in the week. Sadly a nanny isn't an option...

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 31/10/2011 18:29

YANBU and he is being an over-precious arse. As others have said - is he going to take this attitude to doing any actual parenting? Or is he going to bleat? You could probably have chosen one by now if he wasn't being completely toddler-tantrumming.

Swipe left for the next trending thread