Is DH being unreasonable in saying that, because he works longer hours, his weekends are more precious than mine?

[LoveInAColdGrave]

Or am I being unreasonable in not being sure he is right?

Background:

I work full time, about 9-6.30 most days, plus a commute of about 45 minutes each way. DH works longer hours, mostly at least 8-8 but often longer (eg getting to the office at 6am/working past midnight/working all night where needed).

Current issue:

We need a new car. We have looked at a lot, and concluded we will struggle to afford a brand new one or a demo model. We will therefore need to look at second hand. DH hates doing anything with his weekends that he doesn't consider fun. He does not consider that looking at cars constitutes fun (reasonably - neither do I). He has been a nightmare to persuade to garages at weekends to look at new cars and has complained vociferously. We are on a tight timeframe as we are expecting a baby, and can't fit it in our current car. I have pointed out (nicely) that looking at second hand cars is likely to occupy lots of weekends until we find the right car, and asked him not to moan about this. He has told me that because he works longer hours, his weekends are more precious than mine and so it is understandable that he complains about spending time doing things not deemed fun, while I take a more pragmatic approach.

Am I being U in finding this attitude a touch irritating? I do work full time, just not as long hours as him, and do most of the housework.

You two need to have a SERIOUS talk about life after and baby and soon!

OP, two things come to mind;

1. Do not over-think the car buying project. There isn't one perfect car out there. There are dozens and dozens of good-enough cars that will see you through the next couple of years.

1. If your DH is going to persist in his fairly selfish attitude to weekends post-baby, you will end up making all the decisions and doing all the domestic labour yourself. For instance you'll book the holidays, get the car serviced, organise the childcare, etc etc. If you are happy with that then don't do a thing and that is how it will turn out. As others have said, the time when you are on maternity leave may be particularly difficult.

On another note, the attitude is more to do with his frustration at how his own career is going rather than directly comparing your work to his. I used to work longer hours than my DP and have a longer commute, yet he complains about his hours and commute more than I do or did. Obviously job satisfaction plays a part - if you have a job you are very delighted to do, you won't complain about hours or commute. But he wouldn't change his job as he even less keen on the alternatives.
He needs to recognise that it is not that his work is more important/demanding than yours but that he is stressed by it and needs to do something about that instead of being irritating to his wife.
If he is happy for you to take the budget in your hands and choose the car yourself, then go do it (take a friend with you if you like!). Will he turn up if you say you might have to take a male friend along to give you advice??!

If you are meant tone on holiday than you don't go conference calls. My DH has a few conference calls a week and dies sometimes work late or at weekends. But he dies not work if he is on holiday. I'm sure tour SH could refuse to work .

Poor you, OP. Another vote for the "hours you work" list and if when you present it to him, he decides he does not value domestic tasks equal to his own precious job, I wonder how quickly he will change his mind when you don't do his laundry, only clean your side of the bed, only cook your dinner? It sounds sadly to me like that might be one of the only way to get through his thick skull that he needs to bloody well grow up.

I read somewhere recently about a woman who took a job heading up a company that had a long hours culture. She considered that anyone who was working past 6pm was either crap at their job or their manager was crap at his/her job. Which applies to your DH?

I should add that her words resolved the long hours culture overnight without doing any damage to the company's profitability.