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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH being unreasonable in saying that, because he works longer hours, his weekends are more precious than mine?

81 replies

LoveInAColdGrave · 31/10/2011 18:06

Or am I being unreasonable in not being sure he is right?

Background:

I work full time, about 9-6.30 most days, plus a commute of about 45 minutes each way. DH works longer hours, mostly at least 8-8 but often longer (eg getting to the office at 6am/working past midnight/working all night where needed).

Current issue:

We need a new car. We have looked at a lot, and concluded we will struggle to afford a brand new one or a demo model. We will therefore need to look at second hand. DH hates doing anything with his weekends that he doesn't consider fun. He does not consider that looking at cars constitutes fun (reasonably - neither do I). He has been a nightmare to persuade to garages at weekends to look at new cars and has complained vociferously. We are on a tight timeframe as we are expecting a baby, and can't fit it in our current car. I have pointed out (nicely) that looking at second hand cars is likely to occupy lots of weekends until we find the right car, and asked him not to moan about this. He has told me that because he works longer hours, his weekends are more precious than mine and so it is understandable that he complains about spending time doing things not deemed fun, while I take a more pragmatic approach.

Am I being U in finding this attitude a touch irritating? I do work full time, just not as long hours as him, and do most of the housework.

OP posts:
Journey · 31/10/2011 18:29

I think he is being a bit unreasonable but I think your timescale for buying a second hand car is totally out It doesn't need to take weekends.

grumplestilskin · 31/10/2011 18:29

another obviously rubbish car buyer here, takes bloomin ages and IS a hateful job.... unless you are good at checking cars over yourself there's all that arranging surveys and checks, then finding out its a croc and starting again....

its like housebuying on a smaller scale

Original poster
LoveInAColdGrave · 31/10/2011 18:31

Actually, re-reading what I said above about having only spent two days looking but more time angsting makes me wonder if that is what a lot of my problem is... That because he doesn't want to do the boring but necessary stuff, I spend so much time having to talk him into it (where I can't do it alone) that it feels like it's taken up weeks of our life when it may only have been a few hours. And I get to feel like a nag...

OP posts:
jenniec79 · 31/10/2011 18:37

I think I work similar hours to your DH, OP.

It's a bugger, and free time is entirely precious when there's so little of it available, but really, home and car type things are also essentials, so have to be fitted in somewhere.

Is he feeling a bit overwhelmed about the baby and how he's going to make himself more able to be around when the little one arrives, stocking up on flexi time etc?

Would he be up for you sorting a car shortlist then making the final decision together? Online can be useful too, especially for Christmas shopping and groceries.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/10/2011 18:38

"he doesn't want to do the boring but necessary stuff"
Tough - he is an adult (allegedly), that is what being an adult entails. He has to step up to the mark.

OTheHugeWerewolef · 31/10/2011 18:47

I think YAB a bit U to want to spend interminable weekends looking at cars. FFS, how hard can it be? Set a budget, agree a type/range, call a dealership and make them do the work. If I worked 8-8 with regular need to be there till after midnight I wouldn't want to spend every weekend trawling round dealerships either.

That said, you might need to manage his expectations a bit about what weekends will be like once the baby arrives Hmm

mjlovesscareypants · 31/10/2011 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

mumeeee · 31/10/2011 18:51

He is being a bit U. But he does seem tinwork very long hours. Why does he work that much? Does he really have to because his job require's it or is it his choice?

Original poster
LoveInAColdGrave · 31/10/2011 18:53

His job requires it, sadly (I know, I used to do the same thing but saw the light). I know he could change jobs but this is what he knows how to do and is good at...

OP posts:
Triggles · 31/10/2011 18:58

his weekends are more important than yours? charming.

carabos · 31/10/2011 19:36

Nobody likes to spend weekends doing stuff they think is boring, but sadly that's part of being a grown- up, as is being a parent. I wonder if he's putting a marker down for when the baby comes in case that turns out to be boring too?

FredFredGeorge · 31/10/2011 20:17

Spend less on the car, work less, you don't need a new car, if it was even something you could contemplate you don't need to work as much as you do, leisure time is important. You're spending 60hours a week on your job, he's spending 80hours+ and you don't seem to know why. Address that rather than fighting over who's more demanding of leisure time, or if you continue with the long working hours, spend a little more money to save the time.

yellowraincoat · 31/10/2011 20:21

He is being annoying, but at the same time, I hate shopping for anything, so I'd just buy a car, any car, just to have it over and done with. Sounds really bloody dull shopping around for ages.

ScaredKittyWitchyKitty · 31/10/2011 20:24

Get on the Auto Trader website and narrow down the search, then only go and view the top 5, or whatever.

His attitude, though, needs sorting out before the baby comes. He sounds like he's got a bit of a superiority complex, which will only get worse once you're on mat leave and not doing paid work.

WoTmania · 31/10/2011 20:26

YANBU - he is. I second Hecate's suggestion of writing down everything you do around the house alongside you're FT job and compare it to what he does around the house and see if it looks like your weekends are less precious then.
I dread ot think what he'll be like once the baby is here and 'you're just sitting aroundt he house all day anyway'

Good Luck with the car search

jamaisjedors · 31/10/2011 20:28

omg I have never heard anything more childish in my life!

How on earth does he get away with doing NO non-fun things on the weekend when you both work fulltime? Are you doing ALL of it?

We both work fulltime and our jobs spill over into our evenings and weekends too and of course it's a pain having to do household jobs on the weekend but when else can it be done?

We consider ourselves lucky if we get to do one "fun" thing in the weekend!

Hullygully · 31/10/2011 20:29

That poor man.

This is why they run off with their secretaries.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 31/10/2011 20:30

YANBU - all all.

Give him a kick up up the bum now, and tell him that's from Maisie Grin Sadly, though, I suspect his attitude may get worse when the baby arrives and you are at home with your feet up all day (obv. not). Sadly weekends are not all about fun when you grow up and become an adult - esp. when babies and children appear. Standing in the peeing rain watching a rugby match anyone?

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 31/10/2011 20:30

1 too many sadlys there

TadlowDogIncident · 31/10/2011 20:33

I just posted on here and asked for recommendations when I wanted to buy a secondhand car, got some helpful advice from MNers which produced a short list, did a bit more research on the short list with DH and then went to buy the chosen make and model from a dealer. It took maybe two evenings plus a half-day.

I'd be really worried about what will happen when the baby comes if I were you - what's his attitude to his "free time" going to be once you're on maternity leave? Does he acknowledge that looking after a baby is work?

Also, if he's working such stupid hours, why is a nanny not an option? (Unless he's an academic, of course, in which case I understand why he needs to work the hours and that there's a financial problem.)

Antidote · 31/10/2011 20:38

YANBU. He chooses to work those hours. Seriously, he makes a decision not to come home, or to go in early. You chose to do something different (sensible IMHO)

Re the car: if you are anxious about choosing something that costs 'so much' then you are categorically spending too much. Cut the budget by at least half and JFDI.

nocake · 31/10/2011 20:44

Is he planning to continue working those hours when the baby has arrived? It will be a shame as he won't see him/her at all during the week.

I know it's easy to say that he needs a different job but he really does. I've recently changed job and now do shorter hours with a 15 min commute, although I can do it in 10 if I walk fast. It's made a massive difference to my life. I now get DD up and give her breakfast then I'm home in time for dinner. I couldn't do a job that meant I didn't see her every day.

mumblechum1 · 31/10/2011 20:48

How can it take several weekends to choose a car? I looked online one evening, did a search which showed there was one in the dealer in town and picked it up the next day (2nd hand).

Hullygully · 31/10/2011 20:50

Make him a nice dinner and get your hair done. It's always a mistake to let yourself go.

LadyEvilEyes · 31/10/2011 20:53

Grin at Hullugully.
And you're having a baby?
I wish you good luck.

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