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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH being unreasonable in saying that, because he works longer hours, his weekends are more precious than mine?

81 replies

LoveInAColdGrave · 31/10/2011 18:06

Or am I being unreasonable in not being sure he is right?

Background:

I work full time, about 9-6.30 most days, plus a commute of about 45 minutes each way. DH works longer hours, mostly at least 8-8 but often longer (eg getting to the office at 6am/working past midnight/working all night where needed).

Current issue:

We need a new car. We have looked at a lot, and concluded we will struggle to afford a brand new one or a demo model. We will therefore need to look at second hand. DH hates doing anything with his weekends that he doesn't consider fun. He does not consider that looking at cars constitutes fun (reasonably - neither do I). He has been a nightmare to persuade to garages at weekends to look at new cars and has complained vociferously. We are on a tight timeframe as we are expecting a baby, and can't fit it in our current car. I have pointed out (nicely) that looking at second hand cars is likely to occupy lots of weekends until we find the right car, and asked him not to moan about this. He has told me that because he works longer hours, his weekends are more precious than mine and so it is understandable that he complains about spending time doing things not deemed fun, while I take a more pragmatic approach.

Am I being U in finding this attitude a touch irritating? I do work full time, just not as long hours as him, and do most of the housework.

OP posts:
unhappychanger · 31/10/2011 20:55

I have the same except I work the longer hours, overnights and weekends.
I still see it as a priority to get stuff done such as food shopping washing cleaning childcare etc.
That's pretty unavoidable, as an adult.
He is BU you need to get used to planning things together and sorting things out with the minimum of fuss or it will be tough on you with the baby.

TheFidgetySheep · 31/10/2011 21:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SazZaVoom · 31/10/2011 21:07

OK, i must admit i haven't read the whole thing, but a quick foolproof way to buy a second hand car is:

  1. Decide on make/model you would like based on your needs/wants/budget
  2. Find a local dealership which has second hand fleet cars. Many garages have deals with lease companies such that after 1-3 yrs or up to 10-25k mileage cars are returned to the dealership and sold. You will get a nearly new car for c. 50% of the new price, with a main dealer warranty (likely some remaining on the original warranty too)

I have bought 2 cars this way - walked in found one which fit the bill and bought it. If you want a Volvo i can even tell you where to go.....

crazygracieuk · 31/10/2011 21:35

What we did is

  1. Set budget. Dh loves cars while I see them as a necessary tool so in reality we meet in the middle.
  2. work out what size/features car needs to have. Again, need to bring dh back from Top Gear fantasy to reality.
  3. Have a look online to find out what spec we can get for budget (age, alloy, leather seats..). At this point we know which car will offer highest spec for our budget so we'll have decided on 1 or 2 specific models.
  4. see what's available locally and keep dh's attention on task rather than how much Bugatti Veyrons and other super cars cost.
  5. Test Drive, buy and try to break dh's addiction to Auto Trader and other car sites.
Original poster
LoveInAColdGrave · 31/10/2011 21:48

Thank you all for the helpful comments on car choosing, hours and what to do - much appreciated. I am going to digest it all. Thanks.

OP posts:
Hardgoing · 31/10/2011 21:54

I think you are going to have to get used to doing quite a lot of things alone. I don't mean that in a nasty way, my husband works away in the week which is effectively what you will have as your husband will be out all day and come in after the baby goes to bed. It is doable, but you may have to let go of some of the more romantic doing-everything-together ideas in the week and be practical. You should be doing the same hours, all in (roughly) in the week (childcare/your work/housework) and then both try and enjoy the weekends. It is very sensible to think this through now, e.g. getting a cleaner so you don't have to spend the weekends cleaning.

microserf · 31/10/2011 21:54

just go to one of the big auction houses like car giant. we are also too lazy to shop around for cars, and had no time. worked out what should work for us on line, test drove it at a dealer to make sure it was ok and then bought it much cheaper at car giant instead.

Original poster
LoveInAColdGrave · 31/10/2011 22:07

Flipping hell, it's 10pm and DH has just gone on a conference call (from home). We're supposed to be on holiday!

OP posts:
ChippingInAutumnLover · 31/10/2011 22:07

What does he do? What do you do now?

How do you see your life together once you've had this baby?

ChippingInAutumnLover · 31/10/2011 22:08

Well if you are on holiday, go out tomorrow and just buy a bloody car.

Original poster
LoveInAColdGrave · 31/10/2011 22:08

Sorry, as in a day's annual leave spent at home, not as in we're meant to be away on holiday and con call has prevented that.

OP posts:
motherinferior · 31/10/2011 22:09

It's not about the car, though, I think (although fwiw I would loathe to choose a car. Fortunately I live with a car freak so this is not likely to happen). And IMO it's not a case of resigning yourself to 'doing quite a lot of things alone'. He doesn't sound as if he's exactly pulling his weight. I'd be livid.

Original poster
LoveInAColdGrave · 31/10/2011 22:10

And sadly back in the office tomorrow! Failed car shopping was today.

Would rather not say what we do as keep worrying about outing myself...

OP posts:
ChippingInAutumnLover · 31/10/2011 22:17

OK - but my main point is that you used to do what he did, now you don't - why can't he do what you are doing?

That aside - how do you see your life panning out when you have had the baby??

BornToBeRiled · 31/10/2011 22:21

Most people I know who work those stupid hours tend to get paid loads of money to make up for it, yet you don't seem to have this benefit. So I'd be asking what the hours are for and are they worth it tbh. Agree that you will have to get more efficient at doing things like this once the baby arrives, otherwise you ate making life hard. Congratulations btw!

Original poster
LoveInAColdGrave · 31/10/2011 22:32

Chipping - I switched specialism early on in my career, from DH's specialism to what I do now. DH is now a lot more qualified than I was in his practice area, and I think he would find it very hard to switch. I was lucky in that a "right place at the right time" job came up which I grabbed. I keep fantasising that the same thing might happen for DH, though...

Can't remember who asked, sorry, and on iPhone so can't check, but we both earn good money by national average standards, but not hedge fund style. No way we can pay for a nanny, anyway! DH's work/pay balance is a bit of a bone of contention for him...

OP posts:
Original poster
LoveInAColdGrave · 31/10/2011 22:34

Oh, and re the future, we are hoping for a magical solution... Hmm. I think we may need a more concrete plan... We want to see how I feel about going back after maternity leave when the baby's actually here.

OP posts:
Vicky2011 · 31/10/2011 22:37

BornToBeRiled has made exactly the point I was thinking - if my DH and I were working jointly something in the region of 120 hours a week I would expect to be loaded. I have a couple of friends who rarely see their husbands during the week as they work mega hours, frequent overnighters, that sort of thing and of course it does cause sadness and some rows but the flip side is they have lovely homes and don't need to work. I know we can't all have that life and not all of us would want it but surely if the hours are going in without you getting the rewards, something is wrong?

Vicky2011 · 31/10/2011 22:38

X-post LoveIn

hopenglory · 31/10/2011 22:42

if he only wants to do fun things at the weekend just wait until he's got to spend nearly every waking minute of Saturday and Sunday singing 'the wheels on the bus' and 'row row row your boat'

Whatmeworry · 31/10/2011 23:49

Agree with others re real measure being real free time, but also can see that trudging round used car lots is the pits. Go to one of the big car warehouses. Buy one of the cars you see there on the 1st visit. You are unlikely to get a better deal. Job done.

SirHumphreyAppleby · 31/10/2011 23:57

Is there any way he can change his work hours or even his job? It doesn't sound like he's getting much out of life. If I was working all those hours, I would expect to be able to at least afford a new car, if I couldn't I wouldn't really see the point of working all night and from 6am etc. Unless you are looking at really expensive cars? Or does your DH really prefer to work long hours with you doing all the shit-work at home?

ChippingInAutumnLover · 31/10/2011 23:58

OK - well I'll keep my fingers crossed that a brilliant job turns up for him which enables him to be home more for the same money.

A nanny might not be anywhere near as expensive as you think it might be, you both sound to have good enough jobs to afford it if you go back to work... still, as you say, time to decide later.

Cleaner - why do you not have a cleaner?

DH - he's going to need a slap around the chops with a wet kipper before the baby arrives or you are going to be in a bad way. It's one thing to decide to have a baby on your own, or to have a partner walk out on you - it's quite another to have one that does fuck all when they are home and cites 'I work hard' to get out of doing any of the work involved in having a small baby in the house. You need to have a serious talk - and soon. However, I guess he probably wont grasp the reality of the situation until the baby is actually here and screaming in the night

Car buying - choose one of these time saving techniques and DO NOT waste weekend after weekend shlepping around car yards. (I also bought mine off of eBay, did all the research on line, saw this one - bought it. I've driven lots & lots of different cars in my time, I didn't need to drive 58 of this make & model to know it was OK).

kipperandtiger · 01/11/2011 00:03

So weird!! Most DHs LOVE looking at cars and test driving many fun ones. Worst bit is having to persuade them not to buy the fun and pricey one, but the sensible and practical one instead. My little DS will volunteer to come with you - he loves car showrooms - it's like oversized Matchbox!! - and can't believe we don't need to buy/trade in and get a new car every month. Only thing is, you might end up being "advised" by him to buy a £60,000 sports car Grin

So why don't you make a list of the attributes and characteristics you want, read the Which? website for consumers' opinions, check a few other sites like the TopGear site (more useful than its image would suggest) for info, then narrow it down to three, and go test drive them? You don't have to spend many weekends doing it. If you've worked out what budget you have, you don't have to test drive every car in the country. You could buy a car after 3 weekends and have something pretty reliable and satisfying. Set yourself a target time - 4 weekends? Otherwise baby will do it for you [hwink]

Mammonite · 01/11/2011 00:16

FWIW this is what we did when we needed a car and were short on time.

On Saturday morning, go to one of those areas where there are several main dealer showrooms, look at a few new cars, do a test drive, get schmoozed/given coffee etc. (This bit is fun). Decide roughly what car you want for space, features etc. Then log all the details into autotrader and buy the first approved used (warrantied) one that comes up in your budget/local area.

It's not a life and death decision. Most cars are OK. At worst you will end up with an irritating car that you can trade in in a few years. If you really can't decide just get a Mondeo Estate, all pushchairs fit in those.

he does know doesn't he that when the baby arrives there will be no fun for about 6 years?