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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We're not all cut for lifetime monogamy, are we?

91 replies

bariva · 31/10/2011 13:35

I'm 33-years-old, married, no dc's, and have what most would consider to be a good, professional job.
I know that for most monogamy and lifetime commitment works. I've seen it myself as being workable for other people. I'm not disputing it. So I'm not saying that it doesn't work for some people because I know that it does.
But I simply can't see it working for me. The thought of having boring sex (please, I've tried all the usual spicing things up business. It's failed. I'm not excited anymore because the same man is not going to excite me forever) with the same man for the rest of my life leaves me feeling depressed.
The truth is, that I want to have sex with other men. I want to have relationships with other men, to experiment and just have fun.
I wouldn't cheat on my dh, but the thought of being with him until I die makes me depressed not happy. An affair would be out of the question as I don't want to hurt him and from a selfish point of view, the deceit would eat away at me.
Is it like this for most people? Do people just stick together because they feel they must because of the children or because of financial constraints?

OK, I accept that for a lot of people marriage/long-term cohabitation (no difference really, is there?) works, but AIBU to think that for a lot of us the whole lifetime monogamy business doesn't?
Please be honest.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 31/10/2011 13:38

Works for me, but yes, I can see why it wouldn't necessarily work for others. When did you start to feel this way? Presumably after you married?!

colken · 31/10/2011 13:38

Oh dear. Where do we start with this one?

gamerwidow · 31/10/2011 13:38

For me lifetime monogamy does work and I have absolutely zero interest in being with anyone else. However maybe monogamy doesn't work for everyone if that is the case then it's fine as long as no-one is being deceived. I wouldn't think badly of someone in an open relationship as long as all parties knew about it.

purits · 31/10/2011 13:39

How long have you been married? Seven years?

AKissIsNotAContract · 31/10/2011 13:40

YANBU not everyone is cut out for monogamy.

Would your DH be up for an open relationship?

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 31/10/2011 13:41

take up swinging

worldgonecrazy · 31/10/2011 13:41

YANBU and the statistics seem to bear out that monogamy doesn't suit a huge number of people.

Affairs are common, and we live in a society where open relationships are thought of as a bit weird, but not as weird as being deceitful.

I'm guessing that your husband isn't interested in an open relationship.

MajorBOO · 31/10/2011 13:42

Well personally I am cut out for monogamy, but then I married the love of my life.

You don't sound particulaly enamoured with your DH, are you sure he's The One?

BertieBotts · 31/10/2011 13:43

I don't think it can possibly work for everyone. I don't have much eloquent to say on the matter but I would be supportive of a society which accepted various forms of open relationships, singledom by choice, gay relationships, and any other "alternative" arrangement, so long as it was consensual, as being just as valid a choice as heteromonogamous relationships.

However if you aren't happy in your relationship, that's a separate issue. It may well be connected, but it's still a different issue to discuss. You say you have no DCs, and the thought of being with your DH for life makes you depressed, so maybe it would be better for everyone if you left and found someone who you could have an open relationship with?

Original poster
bariva · 31/10/2011 13:43

Married for 4 years. I don't think I want an open relationship. Although I do not know about if he would be amenable. It's not just the sexual aspect, though, it's ALL of it. The whole 'couple' business. Living together, washing socks, etc. It's so bloody claustrophobic.
But thanks for replying.

OP posts:
Thzumbazombiewitch · 31/10/2011 13:44

YANBU for you - but it works for me.

Each to their own and so long as people don't get hurt by the fallout.

Original poster
bariva · 31/10/2011 13:46

Yes, you are all being reasonable about this issue. Just wanted to get my thoughts written down and for a bit of feedback from others.

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 31/10/2011 13:47

From your update it sounds like you would be happier single, maybe with a couple of fuckbuddies to keep you entertained.

Sandalwood · 31/10/2011 13:47

yanbu - we're not all cut out for monogomy.
But it is best to not get married if you're not - how have you ended up married?

eurochick · 31/10/2011 13:49

I hear what you are saying.

I never thought I would get married. I did in the end - at the ripe old age of 34. I love my husband dearly but I am not entirely convinced that humans are cut out for a lifetime of monogomy. Serial monogomy maybe. I enjoy the security of being married more than I expected but I HATE sharing space with someone else. We have lived together for three and a half years now and I HATE that he is always there - on the sofa, in the bed, etc. He gets some space because I travel a fair bit for work. I have probably had three evenings alone in the house since we moved in together and I find it stifling. We are thinking of moving to a larger house next year. That might help. But ultimately I just enjoy living alone.

OTheHugeWerewolef · 31/10/2011 13:50

YANBU I suppose, but it does strike me that it would have been kinder to your DH to have worked out how you felt about long-term monogamy before marrying him.

worraliberty · 31/10/2011 13:50

It works for me

But YANBU...it doesn't work for everyone.

When you think about it, humans used to die of old age around 35yrs...so monogamy then, probably wasn't a problem.

Original poster
bariva · 31/10/2011 13:51

I dated my dh for a couple of years, lived together for six months and marriage seemed to be the next logical step. I had my doubts on the day. It just seemed something I had to go through with. My only sensible decision thus far has been not to have children with dh. But my age means that I've got to sort this out soon.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 31/10/2011 13:52

You are quite right - from a biological perspective we get much more juicy in the vaginal area when we're having pick-up sex and there are plenty of biological reasons why this is so (procreation, ensuring very varied dna of the species). In the Desmond Morris programme women wear less when ovulating, are biologically determined to seek out active sperm, 1 in 10 babies are not born to the men they think they are.

Compared to the frisson of excitement, the palpitations, the flushing - marital sex is 'boring' in that very limited definition.

If you want to stay monogomous then you need to expand that definition and realise that the choice of monogamy has to give you MORE than a juicy vagina and palpitations.

To continue with monogamy you have to be emotionally open, connected, be prepared to make a relationship work - you have to LIKE your partner more than you want to hurt them (if they would be hurt by cheating)

Or you can get them on board to an open relationship or swinging or swopping - this rarely works but with commitment and full openness it has more chance.

Original poster
bariva · 31/10/2011 13:52

Got to get back to work. Please keep replies coming.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 31/10/2011 13:54

Thread has moved fast.

It sounds like this relationship is not really for you - I can't tell if that's because of him or because of you.

Stop washing socks Wink and look for more ways to be 'free' in this relationship - look for ways to grow together if you can.

Divorce is hard but if this relationship is not for you then be prepared to get out.

BertieBotts · 31/10/2011 13:55

Have you told him you don't want children with him?

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 31/10/2011 13:57

Or you can get them on board to an open relationship or swinging or swopping - this rarely works but with commitment and full openness it has more chance. Laurie actually this works for a huge number of people but you tend to only hear about those it doesn't work for.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 31/10/2011 13:58

Well I'm certainly not. I would hate to live with a partner in a monogamous relationship, so I have made sure I never have to do it.
There is nothing wrong with refusing heteromonogamy, and nothing wrong with ending a relationship that isn't working for you. If you want to leave your H, all you owe him is to be as kind and fair as possible about doing so.

MsVestibule · 31/10/2011 13:58

I'm sure you've thought about it, but could you go for relationshiop counselling by yourself? It may help you work out the next steps. It's not fair on your or your DH to be stuck in marriage for the rest of your lives when you don't think it's what you want. But why does your age mean you have to get things sorted out soon? Do you want children? If so, how would the whole "no monogamy" thing work? Perhaps you don't object to monogamy per se; you just don't want it with your DH!