We're not all cut for lifetime monogamy, are we?

[bariva]

I'm 33-years-old, married, no dc's, and have what most would consider to be a good, professional job.
I know that for most monogamy and lifetime commitment works. I've seen it myself as being workable for other people. I'm not disputing it. So I'm not saying that it doesn't work for some people because I know that it does.
But I simply can't see it working for me. The thought of having boring sex (please, I've tried all the usual spicing things up business. It's failed. I'm not excited anymore because the same man is not going to excite me forever) with the same man for the rest of my life leaves me feeling depressed.
The truth is, that I want to have sex with other men. I want to have relationships with other men, to experiment and just have fun.
I wouldn't cheat on my dh, but the thought of being with him until I die makes me depressed not happy. An affair would be out of the question as I don't want to hurt him and from a selfish point of view, the deceit would eat away at me.
Is it like this for most people? Do people just stick together because they feel they must because of the children or because of financial constraints?

OK, I accept that for a lot of people marriage/long-term cohabitation (no difference really, is there?) works, but AIBU to think that for a lot of us the whole lifetime monogamy business doesn't?
Please be honest.

agreed different project. DH is right man. I don't need male approval. But my hormones are calling...

I have been with DH for 10 years and love him, we are a team, a unit and I fancy the sweet arse off him. Sex is great.

But I have occasional crushes on other men, which are quite intense sometimes but always evaporate. It's almost like a mini relationship in my head where X is the perfect specimen of manhood and sexiness, then after a few weeks or months something clicks and I can mentally 'dump' him.

It works quite well - I can have lovely daydreams, but I have no desire to be unfaithful at all - I have married the best man in the universe and if I were to try someone else out, I know it'd be a let down and also that I'd lose the best man.

I do enjoy my little crushes though

I was quite experimental in my youth, which I think also helps. I know that sexual flings can be great fun but that essentially they are trial and error - I am guaranteed a great orgasm with DH

YANBU. It might work for some people, it obviously doesn't for others, and I personally feel it would be more stable for children if people were given more options of non-monogamy or living seperately and co-parenting as friends, and having more non-biological parents involved than a single couple. It also really pisses me off that people always start twittering about 'the one' when this kind of thing is mentioned- yes it may be that someone who loses attraction to their partner is not with their 'the one', but what if their 'the one' decided not to be with them, or didn't fancy them back, or lived the other side of the world, or whatever? Are you really saying that only a tiny percentage of people who happen to have a 'the one' who is available at the right place/time should have relationships? That seems incredibly stupid.

Oh this is a good question.

Honestly?

The bedrock of our relationship is trust and fidelity. I could not cope with DH being unfaithful at all. I know he could not either. Sometimes I feel I would love to go out and shag a randomer, but do I? Even when I could do this (gets out almanac), I was more of a serial monogamist than a shagger.

I guess the trade off for me is a happy family life with DH. If I have to give up flings then I suppose, for me, I am willing and happy to do this.

Wow, that made me think. Fab subject.

stripey said that she was quite experimental when she was young. does she mean she slept with lots of people and had lots of fun, no strings attached, no serious committment. just lots of good sex?
Did you have that OP ? Is it because you feel you have missed out somewhat ?

I still can't get my head round Op's problem. I'm sorry, but am I being a bit dim here? I mean why didn't these thoughts occur to her before? before she got married. No one has to get married you know. or stay married. its not compulsory !!

Hope the OP comes back, and I don't mean to jump in, but I sort-of wish I hadn't had such a good time before dh because I wouldn't know how much fun it could be. Certainly didn't get it out of my system. I guess sex isn't something you grow out of like you might do with drugs/v loud music/getting blind drunk, etc.

Op, leave your husband. get divorced. You've got no kids. There's no shame. Just do it. Being divorced is not the worst thing in the world , is it? Loads of people are.
What's stopping you? I can't see anything that should hold you back.

Hang on a minute. I don;t think OP is wanting to divorce or has not throught things through properly with her DH before marriage.

I love my DH, he is my soul mate and I want to be with him when I am old and wrinkly. But I also think I could have a sexual affair with someone which was all about just sexual chemistry and nothing else and part of me things it would be incredibly fun. I won't act on it because I took my vows seriously and I belive in fidelity. BUT if there were no consequences, including my own guilt, I would do it.

mum toluke you are playing with fire, be careful

'sex isn't something you grow out of'

Well of course not, but seriously, sex genuinely is far better for me now with a partner who knows my body intimately and who i have spent time experimenting with to see what works. Of course it's better, how could it not be?

The biological urge to shag a handsome man I've just met is still there, but I just couldn't justify it knowing it'd not even be any good. One-night stands ime rarely are, apart from looking curiously at a nice new naked body, everyone has the same bits.

As a musician, it's like handing me a ukulele or something and expecting me to perform as well as on my lovely violin!

Novelty value does not equal great sex. Ime anyway. That's what my experimental years taught me. I found someone I'm sexually compatible with who is also a wonderful man who I want a family with.

The only issue of the OP I can relate to is being annoyed with living with someone, I guess, that's a reasonable annoyance. I don't mind but I have plenty of time in the house without DH, I think I'd get a bit claustrophobic if we were always together.

stripey I love you. what a fantastic plan!

Yes I think you've put your finger on it, as it were . I suppose dh and I aren't sexually compatible. It didn't seem to matter that much in the first few years as everything else about him was right.

Need to work on that really, don't I?

Novelty value does not equal great sex....ah, you see, I beg to disagree

Monogamy works for me but sure, it's not for everyone. So YANBU.

I didn't get married until I was 35 as loved my single life / own space etc.

My DS was born 5 months ago and I needed rotation forceps & episitomy so no man at the moment would get my jiuces flowing - not even DH!!! :)

I didn't do anything, not even kiss, just harmless flirting farfallarocks. There is NO WAY I would either even if I did say I wished he had. At the time DH and I were arguing all the time about one thing or another and he would moan about my job as childminder - slightest things like toys all over the floor when the child was still playing with them.

DH gave him the job as he is his mate's brother-in-law and does a very good job. When he starts next week I'll make sure am well covered! It'll be a good excuse to go to the gym too before work.

I vote that YANBU at all. There should be more acceptance for singledom, open relationships, gay relationships - in fact lots more than just man+woman+marriage=forever.

Sounds like you need to let your dh go and give both of you a chance for genuine happiness. Good luck x