Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

We're not all cut for lifetime monogamy, are we?

91 replies

bariva · 31/10/2011 13:35

I'm 33-years-old, married, no dc's, and have what most would consider to be a good, professional job.
I know that for most monogamy and lifetime commitment works. I've seen it myself as being workable for other people. I'm not disputing it. So I'm not saying that it doesn't work for some people because I know that it does.
But I simply can't see it working for me. The thought of having boring sex (please, I've tried all the usual spicing things up business. It's failed. I'm not excited anymore because the same man is not going to excite me forever) with the same man for the rest of my life leaves me feeling depressed.
The truth is, that I want to have sex with other men. I want to have relationships with other men, to experiment and just have fun.
I wouldn't cheat on my dh, but the thought of being with him until I die makes me depressed not happy. An affair would be out of the question as I don't want to hurt him and from a selfish point of view, the deceit would eat away at me.
Is it like this for most people? Do people just stick together because they feel they must because of the children or because of financial constraints?

OK, I accept that for a lot of people marriage/long-term cohabitation (no difference really, is there?) works, but AIBU to think that for a lot of us the whole lifetime monogamy business doesn't?
Please be honest.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 31/10/2011 14:00

You're right step - I do only hear about it going wrong (couples counsellor) but I know a few it has worked for with negotiation and openness Smile

I'm sure you're right and those numbers it works for are greater, I just don't have any stats or references for that.

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 31/10/2011 14:03

me neither laurie but one of the happiest couples I know admitted to going to swingers clubs and they swear it works wonders for their relationship and those of some of the like minded couples they met there. not a conversation they would have in the office often I doubt!! Smile

CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/10/2011 14:24

YANBU... but maybe your expectations were unrealistic? The monotony of monogamy is not what they advertise in the brochures. Marriage-oriented magazines are all about dresses and cakes... nothing about the realities of sock-washing, toe-clipping habits and farting under the duvet. If you go into marriage expecting it to be as exciting and interesting as a new romance it's bound to be something of a let-down. And if you marry the wrong person, it just happens a little quicker...

harassedandherbug · 31/10/2011 14:24

My instant response was to say you're with the wrong man tbh. I used to feel like this about xh (although he was abusive too, so different from your situation). Being perfectly honest, I did cheat once but was so racked with guilt over ds's that it was just the once. And that spurred me on to leave him.

I've been with dh now for 7yrs, and I can't even think of being with anyone else tbh. I would never describe our sex life as boring, in fact the opposite (although I'm 7mths preg, so that's slowing things down a bit!). It's just a totally different feeling/expectation/relationship to any I've been in before.

Have you thought about having some counselling? I had some (just me!) before, during & after divorce and it was very helpful. If only for getting your thoughts straight.

NellyMelba · 31/10/2011 14:34

Id suggest that your OH isnt the one for you, rather than you never be happy with just one person

when you find "the one" you will be more than happy to never have sex with another man again

cumbria81 · 31/10/2011 14:36

I ended a 7 year relationship recently because I was tired of monogamy (not married, no DCs)

I regretted it bitterly as I missed my ex DP so much and it made me realise the importance of a partnership that grows over time and how special that is. Sex doesn't matter in the long run.

That said, now I'm single I have a number of flings and don't get too close to one person as I think it's better that way, at least in the short term.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 31/10/2011 20:12

Actually, I think it's massively important to recognise that the OP is right, monogamy is neither natural or compulsory, and to keep insisting that everyone can/should be monogamous once they have found the 'right' partner is a load of shit which leads to a lot of misery for a lot of people. One of the reasons so many people have affairs is the relentless cultural pressure to be monogamous.

squeakyfreakytoy · 31/10/2011 20:22

A good relationship is not all about sex. As you get older I think most people realise that too.

Its ok saying you dont want to be with same man for the rest of your life, and in your twenties and thirties it is very easy to replace one sexual partner with another.. but I doubt by the time anyone is in their late forties and fifties it is quite so simple.. and you run the risk of living a very lonely life.

depob · 31/10/2011 20:45

OP are you a man?

TenderlyLovinglyByAGoat · 31/10/2011 20:54

I don't think many people are monogamous for LIFE are they? Most people have sex with more than one other person, surely? Or are serial monogamists for periods of time.

I don't really understand it, seems an impossible and not very desirable ideal that is probably only attainable for a minority of people. Was a bit shocked (though not surprised) to discover that a current sexual partner assumed he was my only sexual partner within a few weeks of sleeping together - and he has actually known me for a while. Although it must be nice if both people feel the same way it is a bit scary when one person feels so strongly about it.

Alouette · 31/10/2011 20:56

LaurieFairyCake do you want to say juicy vagina one more time?

FredFredGeorge · 31/10/2011 20:57

There's no kids, you both work, talk to hubby, say the same, he may well think the same (unless he thinks the sex is awesome) and you can get out of the marriage and go and have some fun with other people.

No reason to be unhappy. You will regret it sometimes probably, but you'll regret some sacrifice of staying in a pointless relationship more.

marriedinwhite · 31/10/2011 20:59

I met DH 23 years ago and have been married for 20. I knew he was the one the night we met - think trumpets, shooting stars and fluffy white clouds! Never looked at another man since and he hasn't looked at another woman (well he might have looked Smile.

We have had our ups and downs and phases when we just couldn't fit in the sexy side of marriage and we have made a safe, secure family unit. Our love has grown over the years with each little trial and tribulation and celebration. And oddly enough, now the dc are teenagers and have to be dragged out of bed and can look after themselves for an evening we have a bit more us time too and all the ups and all the downs are proving more than worth it.

Are you sure you married the right man without any doubts at the time OP. The marriage vows are: for the avoidance of sin, the procreation of children and mutual comfort. Wanting an interesting sex life has been there throughout the ages wouldn't you say, the fruit comes after loyalty and truth endure.

SkinnyWhiteBoy · 31/10/2011 21:04

monogamy works for me. never been interested in anything else, always looked forward to la lifetime with someone else. DW and I not spent a night apart in nearly 2 years now...
YANBU to think that it might not be for you. Talk to your DH about it, though. If he really loves you, he will want you to be happy, whatever form that takes.

squeakyfreakytoy · 31/10/2011 21:10

I have been married ten years. I would be lying if I said I hadnt looked at other blokes... but when it comes down to it, I would rather have the stability and predictability of being with a person who knows me inside out, and me him. Dating, and the fun of the chase were great when I was younger, but to be quite honest, I just enjoy the familiarity of being with the one person who I know I can trust and who I can rely on.

I wonder if a lot of it comes from the way people were raised as to how they feel in their adult lives. My parents had a long happy marriage, not all hearts and roses, but they loved each other deeply. My husbands parents also had a long and reasonably secure marriage. Divorce is very rare in either of our families, and we both want our marriage to be for life.

Perhaps if your parents were divorced, or their marriage was not a happy one, that can be a factor in how as a person we want our own life to be.

luckyrocketshipunderpants · 31/10/2011 21:11

Monogamy works for me, would not have it any other way as I've both cheated & been cheated on, and all of it was messy, really. Probably helps that I've finally married a man who I absolutely fancy the pants off & vice versa.

minxofmancunia · 31/10/2011 21:12

OP YANBU, I think monogamy can be so stressful for some people it could actually make them ill. The reason me and dh get on ok at the moment is because he works away all week. I find the living together bit hideously stressful..like a kind of prison tbh. I'm also getting sick of living a life that's all about compromise, I want to just do things my way for once. HOWEVER there are some aspects of living with dh that are great, and positive for me.

I suggested an open relationship once, "lead balloon" would be the most apt way to describe his response. I went for the whole marriage/kids/living together thing because societal norms and expectations had convinced me that would make me happy. Not so. I think it can make women in particular very unhappy.

My sister has spent her life trying to meet "the one" and all that crap and practically ended up with clinical depression because she's not in a long term relationship and she's convinced that her life is s**t because she's not in one yet. It's not, there are several aspects of her life I'm quite envious of but she's been completely brainwashed by the greetings card industry.

motherinferior · 31/10/2011 21:14

Good lord, do all you lot really think O I Will Never Feel Sexual Urges For Anyone Else?

I think monogamy is quite boring, really, but emotionally it works better for me than other arrangements (although I am fully prepared to accept that this is because of my own insecurities). At the same time I'm quite aware that a huge number of ostensibly monogamous relationships are, in fact, sustained by one or other partner going off and shagging other people from time to time.

I'm not sure how much love has to do with sex, frankly. You can love someone and yet be really quite taken aback by the fact that you're not going to have a fabulous mindless night of First Sex with anyone ever again, by definition.

frutilla · 31/10/2011 21:16

I'm happy being married (almost 5 years) and I couldn't face having to go through all that single life stuff again. But I have a friend in her 50's who has no kids and has never been married and her whole life seems to revolve around flirtations and sometimes affairs. Has flings with much younger guys too. Her life does seem exciting, but not for me...

Thzumbazombiewitch · 31/10/2011 21:18

MI - depends on how strong your sexual urges are in the first place, maybe? Does for me - mine are limited as it is, so the thought of bothering with anyone other than DH is quite repugnant. I wouldn't want to either because I don't believe in breaking my marriage vows - but I can't actually see it happening out of lust either. FOR ME. Different for others of course.

squeakyfreakytoy · 31/10/2011 21:19

It does make me feel a bit sad to think I will probably never jump into bed for passionate sex with someone who I have never met yet.. but then there are a lot of things that I will probably never do again, like wheely my bike down the canal tow path, do somersaults on a bouncy castle, or get asked for my ID in a bar....

I have no intentions of starting to wear twinsets in lilac, or go on Saga holidays yet, but I am fairly sure that my days (or rather, nights) of going out on the pull are pretty much a thing of the past...

Hardgoing · 31/10/2011 21:31

Usually people start questioning monogamy (having embraced it) when they have a specific person in mind to have a fling with...otherwise it all remains a bit abstract.

What's wrong with your husband- apart from the fact that being with him requires you to be monogamous?

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 31/10/2011 21:33

I think you're right OP, that life long monogamy with one person is not for everyone. Personally I prefer to be monogamous and am more than happy with DH with whom I have DS and am about to have DD - I imagine we will be together for a long time but at the same time wish that society didn't put such massive pressure on people to be together for life, that we were a bit freer to end relationships when they should end - I know for a fact my grandparents would have been a lot happier if they'd felt able to split after their children flew the nest and it was obvious they'd grown apart and had no love for each other aside from bringing up their families.

That's not to say I don't once people have committed to a relationship they shouldn't work at it (quite the contrary) but if we lived in a society that didn't judge us a failures if we don't stay with the person we chose to marry and have children with, I think you'd end up with (for example) a lot less children blaming themselves for their parents' divorces etc.

OP, it doesn't sound like you're unhappy in your relationship, just that the traditional trappings of living with someone stifles you - which I think is fine and perfectly normal. But you also talk about wanting to have exciting sex with other people, which I think is a different kettle of fish to being a serial monogamist.

As I say, I can see myself being with DH for a long long time, maybe til death do us part, but I think I've only grown into the idea of acceptance that some relationships, or individuals, are not meant to stand the test of forever but that doesn't need to be a bad thing. I think.

FWIW though I still have amazing sex with DH (well, not right now, 8.5months pregnant and my pelvis is shot) and very frequently (in the 2nd trimester we were still averaging twice a day most days)...if our relationship were to end it wouldn't be for physical reasons.

jasper · 31/10/2011 22:29

OP , I share your view. it's a shame this is not talked about more.
We do all kind of expect to end up in a domestic coupled relationship and it just does not suit many people, but usually by the time we start to think about it , it's too late

BertieBotts · 01/11/2011 00:23

I feel sexual urges for other people (Had an, uhm, interesting dream about Russell Howard the other night ) but TBH I don't think the reality would live up to the dreaming. I had a casual thing with someone once and the sex was absolutely amazing, but as soon as I realised he wasn't interested in me, although it continued to be technically brilliant I really couldn't get into it at all and found it, TBH, quite disappointing.

So I think I am definitely a serial monogamist. (Someone once described me as "demisexual" and having looked up the definition I'd agree with this.) And as a previous poster said, sex is secondary in our relationship. We go through periods (2-3 weeks usually) when we don't have it at all, but it's great 99% of the time, and when we are having it it tends to be frequent, but I think the reason it's so good is because of the connection/spark between us - and to me that is what sex is about. I find it very difficult to imagine what it must be like to just be able to enjoy casual sex because I've never been able to, it feels like there is something integral missing for me.

I don't know whether you just don't actually feel ready to settle down - I think there's a lot more to it than just having been in a relationship with the same person for X amount of time - or whether you are looking for a more open type relationship, but I think you probably do need to be honest with your DH and see if you can try to work out what you do want.