We're not all cut for lifetime monogamy, are we?

[bariva]

I'm 33-years-old, married, no dc's, and have what most would consider to be a good, professional job.
I know that for most monogamy and lifetime commitment works. I've seen it myself as being workable for other people. I'm not disputing it. So I'm not saying that it doesn't work for some people because I know that it does.
But I simply can't see it working for me. The thought of having boring sex (please, I've tried all the usual spicing things up business. It's failed. I'm not excited anymore because the same man is not going to excite me forever) with the same man for the rest of my life leaves me feeling depressed.
The truth is, that I want to have sex with other men. I want to have relationships with other men, to experiment and just have fun.
I wouldn't cheat on my dh, but the thought of being with him until I die makes me depressed not happy. An affair would be out of the question as I don't want to hurt him and from a selfish point of view, the deceit would eat away at me.
Is it like this for most people? Do people just stick together because they feel they must because of the children or because of financial constraints?

OK, I accept that for a lot of people marriage/long-term cohabitation (no difference really, is there?) works, but AIBU to think that for a lot of us the whole lifetime monogamy business doesn't?
Please be honest.

Well, quite obviously, no, we're not all cut out for lifetime monogamy. I mean, obviously we're not. Just a cursory glance around you bears that out. Breakups, divorces, affairs, the amount of unhappy couples with one half enduring bullying and violent behaviour from a partner who clearly doesn't care very much for them at all on this very forum shows that.

And I say this as someone who's been lucky enough to have had a very stable, loving upbringing, with barely any divorce in mine, nor my DH's family. Anyone who's gone out into the world, however, knows that this is very much not an across-the-board experience.

It is weird that open relationships are considered odder/stranger/weirder/more worthy of looking down on than affairs.

I do think human relationships have changed a lot in the last 100 years, what with divorce now being par for the course, pre-marital sex no big deal, and 'living in sin' pretty much expected these days. I am pretty much of the belief that in another 100 or 200 years - maybe even 500, to be conservative - lifetime monogamy will be considered quite quaint.

Yes, a mutually loving, satisfying monogamous relationship with someone you like, respect, love, lust and care for (and vice versa) is fantastic, but not that many people are lucky enough to a). find that, and b). sustain it long-term. And given how much relationships have evolved in the recent past, I honestly don't think it's going to stop evolving where we are right now.

I don't think everyone's cut out for it.

I think about other people and sure, it would be fun and exciting to go through all the butterflies and flirtation and blah blah blah, but I feel like it's what I gave up to have what I have...a solid family with DH and DS, a team to be on IYSWIM. I can't have both, and I want what I have more. If you don't, I'd explore other options.

yanbu if it isnt for you, i do however think you need to re think being married to this man or not.. i also think he deserves to know how your feeling...

For me i cant even imagin being or wanting to be that close to any body else.... but in saying that i have just discovered my dp doesnt feel the same..

Would be a lot less heartbroken and upset if i were feeling the way you do tho.

I think it differs from person to person. I think being honest with yourself and your partner is the most important thing. You need to find someone like-minded, whatever that like mindedness may be.

YANBU. Polyamory (option of multiple relationships with knowledge and consent of all involved) can work, though it usually helps to think about it pre-marriage and especially pre-kids.

I've been with my main partner for nearly 20 years and two others for over 10, with 2 children under 8. It's worked out wonderfully for us but it's certainly not an 'easy' option - there's been many a time when I've thought wistfully that monogamy would be so much easier to schedule and so much more could be taken for granted - but I'd have to dump all but one partner!

FWIW I certainly don't get any more sex than most women with young kids - there's still only 24 hours in the day!!!

OP- can you make your relationship more fun with going out for dates and stuff, as IME the sex will then look after itself? Remember why you got together with him in the first place.

YANBU OP. Even though it works for me personally; I can see that for others it doesn't. Have you spoken to your DH? Have you acted on these feelings/impulses before?

Is it possible that this is just a fantasy? Because you have to seriously ask yourself if you would be happy with sharing your DH (effectively) with another woman. You can't undo an affair. Be careful with yourself x

I think people are different- but whatever you are like, openness and kindness and a bit of forward thinking are going to be winners.

slinkingoutside was much more eloquent than me but basically what she said!

I think I've grown to accept that maybe I don't want to be in the same relationship for the rest of my life, not for any reason at the moment other than it's quite daunting isn't it? I got married at 23 and was blown away by the romance of it all. I don't want to not be with my DH nor bring anyone else into our relationship and can't actually imagine a time when we aren't together, but it is stifling thinking about being in just that one relationship forever

Someone once said of democracy that it's the worst system of government ever, apart from all the other ones.

I think I have a similar view of monogamy

Minx makes a good point, which I agree with, which is that living with someone else, as in sharing your living space, can be very hard if you have been used to living alone for a long time and value your space. Personally, I find sharing my living space, and not being able to control the domestic stuff which gets chaotic in a family, worse than being sexually faithful. I would rather be monogamous, go out to dinner and not have to live together. That's the bit of the fantasy that is lacking for me personally.

It is, of course, a feminist issue as well, but maybe not in the way that you think. The cult of compulsory monogamy, especially the insistence that women are 'naturally' monogamous and want love and commitment while men don't, was set up by men because it benefits men. In fact there are some quite strong biological arguments for promiscuity being a lot more natural for women - so that the best sperm gets to the ovum. But at some point, some men decided that what would suit them best was to own a woman, both to breed from and to provide them with domestic service.
And yeah right, blah blah, your relationship is luvverly and not like that at all, and your H does his share of nappies/washing up/remembering birthdays, and that's fine - but it's silly to ignore the cultural roots of where we are. The ongoing horror of single mothers, especially single mothers of DC by more than one father, is mostly based on fear that the more women refuse to be owned by a particular man, the more other women will see that they can do it too.

Agree SGB re the single mothers thing, and unfortunately I've heard horribly judgemental stuff from women as well about this issue. I.e. a friend of mine proclaiming in horror that her ex had got together with a woman who had "2 children by 2 different men and she was only 33!!!", I did pull her on that and told her she sounded v daily mail.

My single mum friends are also fearful of having a dc with their subsequent relationships, even if it's what both partners want for fear of what society will make of them, which is a shame. Clearly non eof these issues seem to apply to men, dd has mates with Dads who have children from other previous relationships and no one seems to raise an eyebrow. And I live in a quite guardian reader, lentil weavery type area.

OP YANBU. Religion and society dictate that monogamy is the be all and end all. A lot of posters have made some excellent observations here that have me nodding my head vigorously in agreement.

IMO we are quite repressed in this country towards extra marital affections. I think I'm right in saying that many French couples have a completely different outlook. I have read somewhere that it is a "given" that once married, each partner will take a lover. It is very discreet, seemingly workable and appears a very good set up in my view

OP I can sympathise with this. Have been with OH for 8 yrs, married for 3 and have never been tempted or looked at another man.

We have been TTC for a few months and the journey has been a bit fraught. For the first time I am tempted. I met a younger man (through DH!) and there was instant chemistry, I fancy him so much I canlt really believe it and often think about having sex with him. I see him quite regularly and I am pretty sure he feels the same way.

I would NEVER act on it though and am putting these feelings down to emotional vulnerability. But if someone could guarantee me that I could just have sex with this man and no one would ever find out or get hurt then I would go for it I am ashamed to say. So for the first time I am beginning to question whether a life of monogamy forever with DH will be enough for me.

Thank Christ someone has had the balls (so to speak) to raise this.

Well done, genuinely, to everyone who is happy in their marriage and hasn't ever been tempted by another man. But whoever said "it's normal to feel taken aback by the fact that you are never going to have great first time sex again" made me feel all warm inside. That is HARD. I am 38 and the idea of never having fantastic all-night exciting sex again makes me want to die a little inside. OP, I am totally with you. Not sure there are any easy answers and I can bet that many, many of us out there are putting up with this issue and not complaining.

LeNC I know just how you feel and I'll also hazard a guess that many feel the same. But daren't mention it as..well..it's just not The. Done.Thing.

I think it's unrealistic to expect people to never feel a sexual spark and have an urge to act upon it, with someone other than the person they have expressed a commitment to, via marriage or otherwise.

Yes, there are many many aspects of marriage that are fantastic. The comfortable feeling, familiarity, supportive, encouraging, etc. But out and out lust is a very powerful emotion. A natural high unlike any others.

YANBU

I'm nearly 50 and have stayed unmarried because of this. I'm a serial monogamist.

Farfalla: your feelings are totally natural. It's your body telling you that your H may not be sufficiently fertile so you should try someone else. Apparently women are most likely to be tempted to have sex with new partners when they are ovulating.

Of course, that doesn't mean you have to act on the feelings, but maybe understanding why you are having them will help you deal with them.

Wow solid very interesting you should say that, both times I have had an 'episode' where I can't stop thinking about him have been when I am ovulating.

YANBU, I think about this a lot. I can't bear the thought of never having sex with anyone else, but I also can't bear the thought of jeopardising our little family. It's never talked about though, is it? I can never tell anyone how I feel (except here).

I like the idea of Monogamy. Always have done. Since I was young. Wanted to be in a loving relationship. All those years I was looking for a nice man. And then I found him. I don't even look at other men. Have zero interest.

different project
Shakey
OP
it's the feeling that dare not speak its name. I have no desire to jeopardise my family, I have 2 kids I worship. I love my DH. But I also want very very badly to have sex with someone new before I am old and wrinkly and no one ever fancies me again :) I have said it OUT LOUD!

I understand the OP, I am married and have been now for 21 years. Its been hard but I believe that when you make vows, they are there to keep.

However when we were having our kitchen done, the guy doing it was flirting and I loved it, we didn't do anything but afterwards I wished he had!

He is starting on doing my youngest DS's room next week and am going to be here on my own again

I've been over and over it in my mind, and I don't think it's a lack of excitement in my life generally, or looking for male approval, or that dh is the wrong man for me.

It's just a very strong instinct, and imo very unnatural not to act on it. But I won't of course, grrr.