to hate the term passive agressive

[RedHelenB]

You are one or the other, you can't be both at the same time!!!!

Yes I was wondering about this yesterday...it gets bandied about but I can't honestly say I know what it means or that I have ever met anyone who could be described using it. The term surely cancels itself out?

Definition of Passive Agressive.

It's a defined psychological condition. Not just a 'term'.

I actually think it's a really good descriptive term. I come across a lot of people with that type of behaviour.

It gets used a lot on Mumsnet that's for sure!!! Still a stupid term though!

of course you can

just because you don't like it doesn't mean it doesn't exist as a recognised personality trait (by psychiatrists) or as a term

you can hate people being passive aggresive but hating the term is just a little, well, idiotic

I think it very accurately describes some peoples behaviour and cannot think of a better description. It's succinct and everyone knows what is meant when the phrase 'passive - aggressive' is used, because we've all encountered people who exhibit those traits.

Someone who is, say, sulking and is not speaking to another person is being highly annoying, manipulative and often hurtful - they are doing it to punish the other person, guilt them, whatever - it's an aggressive thing done in an extremely passive way.

I think passive-aggressive is a very, very useful term and describes certain actions (or inactions) in an incredibly adept way.

So - YABU.

YABU and clearly don't understand what it means

From the wiki explanation;

Chronically being late and forgetting things
Fear of competition
Fear of dependency
Fear of intimacy
Making chaotic situations
Making excuses for non-performance in work teams
Procrastination
Obstructionism
Sulking

Er, that's me then! Probably why I don't understand the term!

I think the whole point is that people exhibiting this condition ARE being passive and aggressive at the same time. They are simply acting out aggressiveness but in a passive way.

I wonder if the word 'passive' makes it seem milder and less culpable behaviour than it really is.

Perhaps it should be renamed?

No that person is being sulky & manipulative. Aggression usually invokes the use or threat of force.

Oh and RedHelen
YANBU just to dislike a psychological 'term'. That does not make you unreasonable. You can dislike it all you like. Omg am I being passive aggressive again?

Trulyscrumptious, I like your honesty!

PA is an excellent term/ description which helps others realise why this wretched behaviour can be so powerful.

YABU to think you can't be both at the same time. Viz the backhanded compliment. "I do admire the way you're so relaxed about living in such a mess...."

How can you be manipulative if you're not saying or doing anything, though??

Think about it.

It's called passive aggressive because initially and on the surface, PA people seem like they are very compliant and nice. It's only when the sting in the tail (ie the aggressive side) starts to appear that most people think "hold on a minute" but then it's often dismissed "Oh she's normally so lovely, I'm sure she didn't mean it".

Slinking, a passive aggressive person doesn't "not say or do anything". They generally actively sulk, bitch about people behind their backs and make nasty comments in an underhand way disguised as a compliment. I've met quite a few PA people and I wouldn't say that any of them didn't say or do anything wrong.

RedHelen - if someone is giving you the silent treatment - not saying anything or doing anything at all, then how are they being manipulative? They're not doing anything.

And yet... They are being extremely manipulative. By doing nothing. Your definition of aggression involving force or threats is not broad enough. And anyway, they're being aggressive in a passive way - that's the whole point of the term.

There are loads and loads and loads of examples of passive aggressive behaviour - I just get the feeling you din't understand it at all, as if you did you wouldn't struggle to understand how bang-on a description it is.

It's overused on MN, often not making sense, that's why I dislike it.

Swanky - I'm only giving one example when I talk about sulking. There's loads and loads of other ways to be passive-aggressive.

I know, Slinking. You asked how a person could be passive aggressive if they didn't say or do anything.

Of course you can be manipulative by not saying or doing anything. Suppose you are angry about having to go somewhere. Everyone else in the family is waiting for you to get ready so you can leave. They can't go without you. You don't complain about going but refuse to put your coat and shoes on. So nobody gets to go. Haven't you just, by your non-actions, manipulated the situation to meet your own ends?

Ah just seen I didn't read your post properly and you were basically getting the same point across as me. Apologies, Slinking