to hate the term passive agressive

[RedHelenB]

You are one or the other, you can't be both at the same time!!!!

Um..sorry to butt in with my own story here, but I was thinking.. (procrastinating probably)...when I see people whom I don't like (usually had some difficulty with them in the past and decided that I didn't want them in my life) I am not able to talk to them or even acknowledge them. Does this make me passive aggressive?

Examples of people I bump into then ignore:
18yr old neighbour's boy in our village who stole DS's bike 2 yrs ago and vandalises local property frequently
2 women who sided with my XDP when he had an affair 12 yrs ago
Bloke who used to be from my work who was stealing from Lost Property and I found him out
Boss from previous work who demoted me quite manipulatively so I left

Sounds like a sob story, it's not!
But I find I cannot even look at them. Is this PA behaviour?

In a way, yes. Ignoring these people is probably the only socially acceptable way of coping with the situation but it isn't resolving your anger at all. If you can happily ignore them and not hold a grudge that would be fine. But if you want to resolve the resentment, 'saying nothing' achieves very little.

I don't think that is PA behaviour truly. Most people would not want to acknowledge them either. Why would you stop in the street and chat to someone who stole from your child or treated you badly at work? Your response seems entirely normal to me.

Hate the term but it is succinct.

I think of PA as being quietly manipulative - avoiding direct confrontation, but manoeuvring situations and people behind the scenes so you get what you want, but without having to 'out' yourself as demanding or rude or unreasonable.
It's being nasty, but not in an obvious way. It makes it very difficult for people to call you on your behaviour because it's actually very difficult to say precisely what it is that's been done wrong.

Covert Aggression might be a better term.
Or plain ol' "Sulky" or "Resentful".

Ignoring people is not PA.
PA is pretending to be nice or helpful whilst really doing something spiteful or destructive or just plain unhelpful.

I like the description 'covert aggression'.

Helped me to understand myself better. I don't have the complete disorder but I have some of the traits. I don't call my mother and I'm sure it's a silent non assertive way of being angry with her. With knowledge comes a possible solution. I used to be a talker about people and made a decision a few years ago that that was not how I was going to be. Slips I'm sometimes and I can see why I do it but have decided to confront or say nothing. However, the term has been overused and is often misused.

I once heard PA described as being akin to the behaviour and strategies that prisoners of war used against their guards. Think Colditz :-) helped me better understand the term anyway

I read the description and it is me...kind of.

It does sort of beg the question: what are you supposed to do when you have a problem with something someone's done, or just a problem with someone?

Ignore it? Carry on being lovely and ignoring the problem?

I quite often "withdraw" from people if I feel they're manipulating me. Is this manipulative in turn?

"I wonder if the word 'passive' makes it seem milder and less culpable behaviour than it really is."

Not by professonals, it certainly isn't considered mild, especially when doing parenting assessments etc, as once this was developed as a concept and diagnosable, it became recognisable how emotionally damaging this type of personality disorder (when extreme) is to a child, living with a parent who has it, usually as a 'trait', as part of a wider condition or personality disorder.

LAPrune- is avoidance works, in the workplace, you would be best doing that. If it is just a 'trait' then you are best challenging it, in a family member.

If it part of a bigger MH problem, then you have to set the bounderies and stick to them. I see posts saying 'play thenm at their own game' but this just makes you behave out of characture and in effect the other person has achieved what they want to, as they have gained the upper hand.

Birdsgottafly it is a family member. It makes me feel better to avoid the nice little things like friendly texts or short emails recommending something she'd like - but I only do it when she's talked down to me or got me involved in some drama that wasn't initially presented as a drama iyswim.
I feel like "I will NOT be manipulated by you, I'd rather not talk to you than be a foil for your dramas" - it's a bit of an endless cycle because she then goes on to do something really lovely and thoughtful and it's all normal again.

My point is: how do I know that my withdrawing from her isn't passive aggressive personality-disordered behaviour?

Sorry - it doesn't make me feel better, it makes me feel more in control.

I actually thank MN for introducing me to this 'term', as unwittingly I had been awfully PA for the majority of my adult life (as I can now see is the norm in my family) and I now try very hard to work on it.

TSC, you don't sound paranoid to me. Your dp was making a big show of being utterly focussed on his task, but he wasn't doing it because he genuinely enjoyed playing with the kids, he did it to dig at you. Just because you were the only person aware of the 'tone', it doesn't make you paranoid. Other people might be unaware because it wasn't aimed at them. He was still being PA to you though.

Passive aggression is just a sly way of venting your hostility at people, so they can't pinpoint your hostility directly. It makes it a hard kind of aggression to defend yourself from.

CleverHans I don't think prisoners at Colditz would have been passive aggressive, more passive resistant. It's absolutely reasonable to resist Nazi guards, not aggressive.

I thought PA meant something quite different until I came on here! I thought it was what I was (I don't do confrontation) but the descriptions upthread do not fit.

The other thing I wonder is - are there other sorts?

There's passive-aggressive
aggressive-aggressive

What other ways are there of responding to situation that make you angry?

eg on that basis trulyscrumptious's response is passive aggressive. I could understand an aggressive-aggressive response but obviously she doesn't like/want the confrontation.

I find it all a bit confusing! Any answers?

Think of it as 'silent aggression'? A healthier way to express annoyance would be openly saying it instead of sulking, sarcasm, being late because you are sending the message the appt is not important, not doing tasks because they piss you off etc. I think PA is very descriptive when you think anger or dislike is behind it.

Next time you come across a term you don't understand, may I suggest you look it up rather than post on a internet forum and make a bit of a fool of yourself OP?