Previouslyonlost can you update please

[deburca]

previously didnt want to hijack the other thread but was so impressed with you last time im dying to find out have you have managed to distance yourself from those horrible people.

anyone else out there wanting to know how previouslyonlost did it?

Yay for Contagious Balls! :o

Update: My brother came in last night and started bitching because his car is now not working most of the time and he needs a new one. He started talking about what he planned on getting and I said "Well, make sure you don't spend much as you need money to find your own place to live." He looked at me in and I just looked back coolly. He said "well I can't get any where now, I don't have a car, blah blah blah" and I said I understand that but you need to understand this is not a permanent situation. Then I had to get DS ready for karate so didn't have more time.

Later he was on fb chat and he mentioned he was looking or RVs and campers as there is a lot of work in South Dakota and he said that he would move there once he had the appropriate vehicle. I said "that's a good idea because you need to figure out what you're going to do long term."

He said he knows and then we were talking about how I am planning on having a baby in the near future and also we are talking of getting DS a puppy, and both of those things require a change in his living situation. (that's paraphrasing)

He then had the absolute NERVE to say "I can't see (your DH) being very excited about either of those things."

What an absolute douche rocket. What I SHOULD have said was "I can't see that being any of your business, now here's a one-way ticket to Off You Fuck," but I got defensive and said "Actually he's very excited about having another baby, and you don't know him that well."

He sent me a ? and I said "since you talk shit to everyone about how I don't "let" DH do anything, and in reality he CHOOSES not to, this leads me to believe that you don't know jack about my husband or our relationship."

He tried to play it off like he doesn't, but I told him I know that he does and he should make sure he's telling the truth before he starts spouting shit.

That was pretty much it...there will be more, stay tuned. And keep encouraging me, I can't believe ho hard it is not to fall back into old patterns of smoothing things over and keeping peace at all costs to myself!

OMG Cheerful - I bow to you - YOU ROCK!!!

I'm loving the "one way ticket to off you fuck" :o - that's made my day.

Thanks! :) Unfortunately I didn't SAY that part, but I SHOULD have and am saving it for another day.

I sense that day will come very soon...

Yay - good line, it should def be used at some point!

Very good CY, you'll get there.

ForSomeReasonI'veGotTheDamnBustersThemeInMyHeadFromThatTiggaxx

YAY Cheerful!!!!! :) I am so pleased for you getting the ball rolling. On the run atm, but just had to drop a quick post to congratulate you, it can't have been an easy bullet to bite. Good for you! Hope things continue to head in the right direction!

Go Cheerful!! That's great, you've started a very important ball rolling, now keep up the momentum and USE that "one way ticket to off you fuck" line whenever you need it. :)

Hello CY, had the house of horrors here last night with DCs D&V, so no chance to escape to the germ free zone of MN.

Back to your brother...It's easy for familial ties to become guilt laden strings that strangle.

Has he always had the family at his beck and call? Not managed to maintain a job, relationship, possession, in any healthy way? Relied on others (family and friends) to ease his path, support him when he has his usual 'bad luck'? Does he pile on the guilt about how lucky you, and everyone else is to have a home, family, job, car etc?

Has he always taken any opportunities offered as his gawd given right, only to blame those that offered a helping hand when he fucks it up AGAIN?

Has he just walked away from situations that are, to all intents and purposes, ideal for creating a positive future for himself?

Welcome to the world of my BIL! and your Brother by the sounds of it!

He is an ADULT, and therefore not your responsibility.

It has taken a long time for my DH and his family to realise that they were supporting this 'learned helplessness' and ultimately they were aiding and abetting their son, brother, cousin, in his own destruction. I recall walking into M&FIL's home to see BIL recovering from another drinking session on their couch...wasn't that which got me laughing, was the electric fan and the fortisips (energy drinks normally used for elderly people) that they felt he needed to come off the week long drinking bender he'd been on! It's a HANGOVER...let him experience the full horror for once!

He was/is married to a co-dependant harpie...she needed him to be needy/alcoholic - they are separated now but he was HER problem and the family tried to pretend things were ok let them get on with it for years.

FF a few years, all his family were saying 'well done' as he was off the binge drinking, errr, no, now he's now downing diazepan and on more grass than your average gardener!

You have honoured your parents by caring and looking out for your Brother, let him go...he will fuck up, but it won't be your problem, nor should it be...enjoy your own family and life because you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.

If you want to help him, let him stand on his own two feet - for better or worse - he'll sink or swim so push him out the nest! My BIL is 40, and still behaving like a teenager, he's currently living with another relative at the moment...was all sweetness and light, doing well, until the first opportunity he had to get stoned and drunk! Now he's shown his true colours in that situation he thinks he has an automatic right to keep on behaving badly. They'll learn!!! (I've lost count of the people, houses, cars, pets, he has sloughed off in his attempts at continuing his chaotic lifestyle...he is a lovely man btw, just thinks it's his right to behave this way, because he has been enabled to do so by those that love him).

Sorry, another epic saga from PoL!

CF I wish you all the luck in the world with your brother...you'll be amazed at what he can do once you're not doing it for him!

POL speaks much sense :)
Any news, CY?

Ok, how can I grow some balls and delete some people off my FB who I don't want to be friends with anymore? What are some good, defensible reasons? The reason I want to delete them is they're not really friends and I don't want them to know anything about my life anymore. Problem is I work with one of them, and the other looked after my DS for a bit. So it could get ugly.

JM - one option to avoid confrontation is to just delete yourself from FB temporarily. I have a few friends who do this. Then suddenly up they pop on my friends list again. I don't know how they do it though, I have to say! They aren't re-asking to be my FB friend, they wouldn't be able to find me to do it - so I can only assume that their friend list is still there for them to re-access.

Anyway - if you take yourself off for a bit, then you can just tell these 2 (if they even question you) that you have had enough of FB and have deleted your account. When you reactivate, you just delete those two off your friends list and increase your privacy so you're not searchable for.

That should do it!

Amicissima - I did laugh at you telling your DS "I am not your mother..." haha! I can see me doing that with mine at some point, by accident - I say it to DH sometimes when he's being particularly feckless!

Jacksmania I have my privacy settings so that if there are people who are just acquaintances (and who don't need to know my every move) they can't see my threads and it block theirs from appearing on my wall. No feelings hurt either way.

FB has altered recently and you have to 'group' people into family, close friends etc...and that's the way their posts come up in 'group lists' so it's not so obvious that you're not getting feeds from someone.

As amicissima and Thumbwitch said, just delete them and feign surprise, blaming that gawdamned Feckbook's recents changes if you are asked any awkward questions!

...and loving 'I am NOT your Mother', though my saying is You're their lover, not their Mother'...tho' not sure that's entirely appropriate for an IL amicissima

Hope CY is currently loading DB's possesions into a car and driving him to his new abode, with a cheery 'one way ticket to off you fuck' if he expresses any dissatisfaction with the new arrangements

...I can't get Sting's 'If you love somebody set them free', out of my head now!

Onemorning Hello...and hijack is this thread's middle name, all welcome

There's a lot of unreasonable UENs, BIL's, IL's, and DB's around, your experiences will help Cheerful Yank assert her hairy ovaries Balls.

Thanks Previously.

I'm going to ask MN to delete my previous post as I've realised it will definitely out him.

Short version for new readers: I also have a younger brother who sees everyone around him as being responsible for his well being. It is with sadness that I have decided not to help him any more, even though I love him dearly. He is in the process of finding a new sucker to sort him out.

Ha. DH has just gone over to MIL's to support her and take her to the police station. As he told me this at 8:30am, I am a touch concerned - normally the bastard BIL kicks off in the evening because he's been drinking - so either he kicked off last night and is still going this morning, or he kicked off last night and she didn't let us know until this morning (unlikely because why would she still need support and the police this morning? Normally she just lets it go the next day) or he's kicked off this morning without the added influence of alcohol (REALLY worrying because normally drink fuels it).

Well I won't find out until DH gets back but I hope he manages to persuade her to press charges or take out an AVO (Apprehended Violence Order, same as a restraining order) on BIL.

These bloody entitled useless menchildren get RIGHT on my nerves.

Thumbwitch you hit the nail on the head when you said bloody entitled useless menchildren.

I do feel for, my and your, MIL (mine widowed now)...though I find that my MIL has buried her head in the sand for so long, and left others to deal with problematic son/BIL, my sympathy is running out. There are only so many times you can hear the same old stories being trotted out as to why he would behave in such a way.

I hope that your MIL can overcome her natural instinct to 'protect' her child and do what is right for her.

I'm tired of being drawn into the dramas created by another ADULT! who damn well had all the opportunities that a naice middle class upbringing afforded them, piss it all down the drain because the people around him supported his wastrel and selfish ways...BIL had it all (and MORE) handed to him on a plate, grateful? NO! Whiny and grasping? YES! The squeaky wheel does get the grease, sadly.

Your DH probably (like mine) is sad and tired...sad that his brother is hurting the people closest to him, tired with the needless drama, Police et al involvement. We had Vodka bottles (empty, of course) and porn books left under the our spare bed that BIL escaped to when life got too tough at Mummy and Daddy's when he for the 'nth time was thrown out left his wife.

I have unlimited sympathy for MH issues and addiction problems in people's lives, but BIL had everyone at his beck and call from an early age and just never grew out of that me, me, me attitude.

Hope you have a peaceful evening.

I'm tired of being drawn into the dramas created by another ADULT! who damn well had all the opportunities that a naice middle class upbringing afforded them, piss it all down the drain because the people around him supported his wastrel and selfish ways

This. Replace BIL with DB...

Onemorning You are sadly one step closer in the chain of responsibility than I am.

My DH and his family have spent >20 years pussy-footing around their son, brother, cousin etc. I came along and because of that 'outsider looking in' clarity (and experience of an alcoholic in my own family...I realised at an early age that while I was deeply loved, alcohol came first (NRP) and made the conscious decision at 14 or so to not be with/or leave the company of this parent if they were drunk/drinking) I'm afraid I was blunt to the point of rudeness, pointing out the damage BIL was causing to his family...they'd never considered that before!

My lovely, lovely husband has borne the brunt of the responsibility (and misplaced feelings of guilt) because MIL, and previously FIL too, did their best to avoid confronting their son...possibly because FIL had his own issues with alcohol? Now another sibling has (FINALLY) offered BIL a home and job.

You know what comes next...first opportunity BIL had he crapped all over their hospitality from a great height. Crashed the expensive car (drunk)bought for him to get to work (and wrecked 20 metres of fencing in the process, letting livestock out onto the road, cost to BIL? £0, Bill for his sibling £>800, NOT including the car) Smoked cannabis in their non-smoking house, vomited profusely in aforementioned house, was incontinent of urine/faeces in house...the list could go on, and on, and on (and all this in only the past 12 months, just imagine the previous 22 YEARS). BIL in currently on his millionth last chance there.

Factor in all the other people, unrelated, who over the years have provided BIL with food, money, accommodation...again to be let down and used...and you have almost half a century of freeloading and lack of any personal responsibility. BIL had not one, but TWO 'gap years' and cash thrown at him to fanny around the world getting pissed and shagging meeting new people.

I shouldn't be so harsh perhaps, who knows how our children will turn out, but I know that should drugs/alcohol be involved then I will support them...just not to the exclusion of reason and sanity.

I have empathy and sympathy for those with addictions, but at some point the 'enabling' has to stop.

I would so recommend 'and I don't want to live this life' by Deborah Spungen...a lesson in how a family can be torn apart by just one member. And where my understanding of 'walking on eggshells' remark comes from.

and...on a much lighter note, I have a very short, but typical sweet, update on Mrs UEN. School run, dinner, bath, bed etc first.

PoL, it rather sounds like the BIL's enablers deserved their wrecked fencing and scattered livestock! He wasn't even bought a cheap car, but an expensive one?! They need their heads tested.

Looking forward to the update later!

Cheeky check back while DCs are glued to watching Daniel Cook (whole other thread).

Ahh Plupervert were it that it was only BIL's family enablers whose fencing got wrecked, sadly it was another farmer. And other sibling picked up the bill for the damage (I pity the fool). Car is one that keeps its value...despite smashed bodywork/headlight etc (BIL sibling took a crowbar to undamaged bits in FRONT of BIL, when it was towed 'home', to prove a point...didn't make a jot of difference).

UEN update is short...not THAT exciting, but how I LAUGHED at their continuing machinations

COme on then with the update!

FoiledAgain Sorry, the soporific tones of Kevin McCloud on Grand Designs last night sent me to sleep on the couch...woke at 7am with a crick in my neck, damn you Kev.

Here: Upthread was a comment that Mrs UEN had literally shrieked 'DON'T visit MY house on Halloween (Monday), we WON'T be answering the door' when the playground parents were discussing plans for children guising (but managed to invite herself to two other parties)(Oh and they managed to visit us before going to one of the parties - they had a glass of our wine while trying to hide bottle they were obviously taking to the other party.

Caught up with Mrs LN the other day - her DC (older) and friends had gone out in the village, and had indeed knocked door of UEN's...lights on but no answer.

Following week, Mrs LN saw Mrs UEN approaching group of parents to gush 'Oh, did ANYONE come to our door? I'm afraid I was in the shower and thought I heard the door being knocked. I just couldn't get out in time to give anyone the sweets, treats, and glow-sticks we'd bought'...

Liar, Liar pants on fire. There's definitely an undercurrent of Mrs UEN trying to curry favour with other folk in the village due to the supply of wine, and well-stocked play area for their children, being cut off at our house. She was obviously concerned that the children who did go to their house may have been one of the parents she is currently trying to suck up to.

And just this morning, Mrs UEN was trying to arrange to leave her youngest DC for us to babysit, while they attended upcoming Parents Evening...with the proviso that they would then look after our youngest DC (in OUR house!) while DH and I went to the school for our 'time-slot'...I pointed out that everyone takes all the DCs and they play in the school together throughout the evening...it was bad enough trying to limit the damage and destruction done when they visited in the past, I hate to imagine the state of the house on our return if all of them were left here 'unsupervised'!

What idiots! I'm glad to hear things are coming unravelled for them.