to think my ILs are being bloody rude and this is the last straw?!

[Woofsaidtheladybird]

Ok, so I'm 7 months pregnant so could be being overly sensitive, but hey.

PILs see DD who is coming up to 2 and a half every few weeks or so. They live about an hour and a half's drive away, and always email DH to say when 'they' will come and see DD. Not us as a family, but DD. If and when they do come, they sit on the floor in the corner of the lounge where all the toys are, playing with DD, and practically ignore us. If they ever stay - on the invitation of us, they will get up and leave around 6am before anyone is up.

I don't have an issue with them coming to see us, but 'just' DD is a bit bonkers. I also like to invite people to stay, rather than people saying 'we are coming on x date'. We do invite them, but they tend to be busy whenever we suggest dates. DH usually agrees to their request for an easy life - he doesn't have the best of relationships with them, and we do owe them money, which we are paying off a hefty sum per month, which DH feels indebted to them about.

Anyway.

They were going on holiday just over a week ago, and wanted to pop in for about 10 minutes on their way to the airport to see DD - a Tues afternoon, so DH was at work, and it was on one of my days off. They refused a cuppa, went straight to 'the corner' and stayed. For 2 hours. Hardly spoke to me. I felt like a right award twat in my own home. Fast forward to Saturday when they came back from holiday and had landed, and they called at 8am - to say they were on their way over as they'd landed and wanted to see DD. DH gets up for DD at the weekends to give me a bit of a break at the mo (bearing in mind I'm up half the night weeing and generally being uncomfy). He told them them that I was still in bed and they said 'that's ok, we're not coming to see woof, we're coming to see our grand-daughter, see you in a bit.'

I was furious. I got up, ran a bath, and stayed in there. Seething.They stayed 20 minutes. WTF?

I have explained to DH that this is rude - isn't it? - and people come to see us, we are a package, etc, and I will not tolerate this anymore. He agreed and said he'd say something....

So. AIBU to think they are bloody rude and odd, or shall I get off my hormonal high horse and put up with their weirdness?!

(woops, soz it's long)

It also doesn't teach their dgd good manners.

Family life includes everyone.

It's like the op is merely a vessel for gcs and not worthy of any interaction.

Most off.

Sometimes it's OK to phone family members at 8am and not some freaky rude imposition

Yeah, maybe if someone has died. Not on a regular Saturday and especially not when there's a knackered mum to be involved.

At least the gazpacho was home made

MIL also likes to make cards....

DH says they've always been a bit odd. I haven't done a thing for them to be like this. Apart from perhaps getting up the duff outside marriage, and having DD christened CofE (they are staunch Catholics)

But I agree DH needs to talk to them about it. It has provided many a heated discussion between us. I shall push him in this.

Oh, and they weren't really 'passing' - they would have been on the M25 and we are about a half hours drive from there...

And as for the toys - they are piled on a bookshelf, and PILs sit on the floor surrounding the bookshelf...

They got v arsey with DH when I was in hospital when DD was born - we were in for five days and it was v traumatic, and they wanted to come in THAT VERY DAY when I was feeling like shite, boobs leaking milk etc, you get the phicture. I'd said no. To everyone.

Hmm lots of people assume that anyone with a young child will be up early anyway so there will be someone around to answer the phone?

Sounds a bit excessive though - reminds me of driving the 3 hours over to see my parents when DD was still in the bucket car seat stage, about 6 months old. We pulled up on their drive, they almost ran out of the house to the car....... unstrapped DD's seat and whisked her away into the house, without addressing a single word to DH or me. We found it quite funny, and it was sweet that they were so obviously excited to see her, but OP's case sounds a little more extreme!

I think the first question is: what is it that you want from them?

They email your DH about coming to see DD. I am assuming this is given in sufficient of time, right? If you are not available, you will say no, right?

The 8 am visit -- come on, seriously. They were on their way back from a holiday and likely bought a gift for DD. 30 minutes out of the way is better than 1 hour and 30 minutes away. They stayed only 20 minutes because they knew they were being an imposition but as it was closer, they just wanted to drop off the gift.

YANBU, they sound extremely strange to me, and I have some fairly odd IL's myself. Tbh I quite surprised at how many people think its acceptable behaviour.

And as for phoning at 8am on a weekend, I can't think of anyone I would ring that early unless its an emergency.

As it sounds though like they are not likely to change anytime soon you have to either just take advantage of it and take time off to do something for yourself, or if you just want to stay at home a relax then tell them No.

sounds odd and extreem.

make sure you wear this new baby in a sling when they visit so they have to chat to you!

I'm amazed at the YABU comments, if someone did that to me in my own home I'd be pretty annoyed too! Have you straight out asked them? It sounds quite strange. Either they are just oddballs or there is a deeper issue, maybe resentment about the money? But then if DHs brother has the same problem, it's more likely that they're just strange. I think your DH should ask them, but if they dismiss it and don't explain, not cut them off as they obviously are doting grandparents, just maybe make yourselves busy when they come. But YANBU!

woof perhaps they are of the impression that you ruined their precious ickle soldier?!

If they're rude in future, ask them. Ask them outright. Say 'is there a problem here? I feel like there's a bit of an atmosphere and I don't really think that's appropriate around dd'.

TunaTiebacks (love your name btw). That is exactly what I do now. I have always been taught that it's polite to converse with guests esp when they have travelled a couple of hours to visit but since they don't show any interest in me or dh I make myself busy. Sometimes I even go out which, again, I would have thought was rude previously but one of them often goes out when we visit them so they obviously consider that to be ok.

Yes, they are being rude. Your dh needs to have a word with them about a) inviting themselves round and b) ignoring you and dh when they are there.

Perhaps they are so utterly smitten with your dd that they have genuinely stopped thinking rationally? Anyway, they need to be put right, tactfully, by your husband.

And OP I wouldn't assume you have done anything wrong either. I don't think my inlaws dislike me and dh. They are just so absorbed with the kids it renders them rude and ignorant. Don't get me wrong I realise the kids are going to be the main even when gp's visit but like a pp said it is polite to, at least, feign some kind of interest in us parents surely.

I think your lucky! My PILs never come and when they do just sit on the sofa drinking endless cups of tea and ignoring the grandchildren.
Why does it matter so much to you?
Just say that your going next door if they need you, and have some quiet time on your own.
Honestly, sounds wonderful to me.

they ARE weird and rude!!!!!
that is so rude to actually say "were coming to see dd not her..." or whatever it was.
i could accept them playing in corner etc but not coming over at 8am - no chance.
im livid for you.
my inlaws used to do things like that when my 2 were babies but i was too tired and vulnerable to complain. now i am strong again and am a very good and fair daughter in law they wouldnt dare be so rude and over step the mark. i cant be dismissed or manipulated anymore and they know that.
(i sound evil, honestly im not, it just brought back memories reading your opening comment. we all get on fine now but only after my husband put me first and they knew that. as it should be. read your wedding vows again.)

It matters because people coming into your house and basically using you as a tea making service without so much as acknowledging you is just plain rude. I wouldn't want the kids ignored either but it doesn't have to be one or the other. Most friends/family I know manage to give everyone the time of day.

Hmmmm.... Interesting to see the differing opinions, and has certainly shed some light on their behaviours. Thank you.

You should see the cards though. Tartan and golf clubs and beer for DH......

They sound like my PIL - My MIL comes round and sits staring at my 5 month son not saying anything to him even thou he justs wants to get wriggling along the floor she wont put him down but continues to stare - i find it all very odd, wouldn't be so bad if she even spoke to him, then they just leave with hardly talking to me.

I had him after being married for 10 months to my DH and during the year before the wedding that we lived together never saw them or heard from them, soon as we tell them I was expecting MIL was always over rubbing and talking to my tummy (i hated having anyone but my DH rub my tummy whilst pregnant) and once he was born ive not managed to get rid of her - feel like now i've had him i am not worth bothering with and was just some sort of grandchild bearing machine . They never say anything but hello and goodbye - even a how are you would be appreciated!

Why are you letting them just come when they want if you don't like it? You need to be 'busy' and suggest an alternative date. If I were you I'd just go and do my own thing, leave them with the dc and take advantage of the free time.

Aha! It'll be the christening thing. My MIL is desperate for DD to be christened in a Catholic Church (Or is it baptised?) she's even offered to pay for the food. Last week she resorted to scare tactic's - "If she dies they won't let her into Heaven the poor thing" Charming!

Or possibly the hospital thing. You have my full sympathies with that one, but have you ever had the chance to explain to them just how awful you were feeling and that it was a blanket ban? My MIL was terribly hurt that I asked DP to escort her from the delivery room after she'd barged her way in. (I may not have put it that politely.)

Lastly, you really are quite lucky that they want to spend that much time with her. Despite all the above, my MIL only visits after 7pm when DD is asleep, and for the 2 hours she has her each month she spends the entire time trying to get her off to sleep!

They do sound odd, but if they've always been like that are unlikely to change - so the question is how can you use their behaviour to your advantage?

Would dd love to go out to a cafe/playground/duckpond etc with them? Anything so you can get a break? Or can you say breezily to them 'as you're all happy playing, I'll have a nap - you know where the tea things are and there's X in the fridge to eat' and have some time to yourself.

Suspect they assume that anyone with kids is up by 8am so it wouldn't be an imposition - you just have to get good at saying 'no'.

my IL's are similar and would be exactly like this.....if we let them! they try and pop in on their way to places and we are always busy or out.

i have a real issue about the fact that they are always inviting themselves over to see our kids and we never get a chance to invite them over because they are busy or have invited themselves already. i try to make a point of arranging a date to see them when we/they leave their/our house so i am in more control.

it's all about control for me - they have too much so i try to turn it round and make the decisions first.

Nowt so queer as folk ...

Yes, it is bloody rude to visit someone's home and ignore 2/3 of the people who live there. Maybe you should call and tell them you're coming over to visit their cat?

But I don't see why it should be the last straw - they come visit, they're no bother, dd gets entertained, you get to put your feet up and read a book upstairs. Lovely. Or go out. Don't worry about being rude to them - they clearly have different rules of politeness to you.

I'd put my foot down about them choosing all the dates though. If it is ok for them to be busy when you suggest dates, then it is ok for you, too. Tell them their chosen date is not convenient - no excuses, just "that doesn't work for us, how about ...". Certainly if they phone up wanting to "pop in" at odd times, say no. If they come anyway, don't ask them in. They won't do it twice. You can't treat people the way they treat you and still expect to be welcomed with open arms.

Next time they come, could you invite a good friend over at the same time? Introduce everyone, see what the ILs do. It's not rude on your part, since the ILs aren't coming to see you. And you'll have someone to talk to ... Alternatively, do the hoovering around The Corner.

It is great that they want to see your dd (my parents used to come over and ignore the children, and sit and talk about themselves - actually they'd ignore anything I said too, I was supposed to just listen). But do watch out for what happens as dd gets older and less cute and more opinionated. Or if she gets supplanted by a baby brother. You can handle being treated rudely but do protect your daughter!

They are being rude. I see the point people are making about not being able to do right from wrong, and to be honest OP you do sound thoroughly down on them - but unless you are a true OGRE, that feeling has probably developed out of years of frustration at this boorish behaviour.

It's just plain rude to act the way they are. Including the inviting themselves round bit, tbh - that's fine and the norm in some close families, of course... but it doesn't sound like the PILs have ever put in the work to develop that kind of 'Be round in a minute - ok?!' 'Oohh yeah, I'll pop the kettle on!' friendly, close relationship. Quite the opposite - they don't interact, they don't show even polite friendliness and interest towards their son and his wife... yet want the casual 'but we're close family... it's our GRANDDAUGHTER' 'free pass' to come and go as they please. You earn that, you don't just take it - no matter who you are! If you don't, resentment breeds.

They are also being monumentally short-sighted, if you think about it. Your DD and any other babies you have won't stay babies forever. Soon they'll be chatty, fast-moving, busy full members of your family. And the PILs will find (and probably be at a loss the understand how it's happened) that they don't actually have a 'place' in that family, that they won't be missed at events, that it won't be a case of 'ooh, shall we ask Gran and Grandad to come too?' Why? Because they've never made an effort to build a real relationship with your FAMILY. They've never interacted, they've never given, they've just taken what they need at the time they needed it. That isn't familial love, really, is it? When the grandkids are at the stage of not wanting to spend time with them, not wanting to be stared at and fussed over - is their DIL going to be fighting their corner, making sure they're still included? Err- probably not, after years of being treated like a spare part - and they'll have no-one to blame but themselves.

I'd be making that point to your DH. Because in that way, speaking to them and explaining why you're both fed up with their approach is doing them a massive favour, really - if they don't get a bit of a wake-up call, the most likely result of their behaviour is them being eventually sidelined.

Exactly, shroudofhamsters. After all, their dgd is the product of her parents.