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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think my ILs are being bloody rude and this is the last straw?!

78 replies

Woofsaidtheladybird · 25/10/2011 17:53

Ok, so I'm 7 months pregnant so could be being overly sensitive, but hey.

PILs see DD who is coming up to 2 and a half every few weeks or so. They live about an hour and a half's drive away, and always email DH to say when 'they' will come and see DD. Not us as a family, but DD. If and when they do come, they sit on the floor in the corner of the lounge where all the toys are, playing with DD, and practically ignore us. If they ever stay - on the invitation of us, they will get up and leave around 6am before anyone is up.

I don't have an issue with them coming to see us, but 'just' DD is a bit bonkers. I also like to invite people to stay, rather than people saying 'we are coming on x date'. We do invite them, but they tend to be busy whenever we suggest dates. DH usually agrees to their request for an easy life - he doesn't have the best of relationships with them, and we do owe them money, which we are paying off a hefty sum per month, which DH feels indebted to them about.

Anyway.

They were going on holiday just over a week ago, and wanted to pop in for about 10 minutes on their way to the airport to see DD - a Tues afternoon, so DH was at work, and it was on one of my days off. They refused a cuppa, went straight to 'the corner' and stayed. For 2 hours. Hardly spoke to me. I felt like a right award twat in my own home. Fast forward to Saturday when they came back from holiday and had landed, and they called at 8am - to say they were on their way over as they'd landed and wanted to see DD. DH gets up for DD at the weekends to give me a bit of a break at the mo (bearing in mind I'm up half the night weeing and generally being uncomfy). He told them them that I was still in bed and they said 'that's ok, we're not coming to see woof, we're coming to see our grand-daughter, see you in a bit.'

I was furious. I got up, ran a bath, and stayed in there. Seething.They stayed 20 minutes. WTF?

I have explained to DH that this is rude - isn't it? - and people come to see us, we are a package, etc, and I will not tolerate this anymore. He agreed and said he'd say something....

So. AIBU to think they are bloody rude and odd, or shall I get off my hormonal high horse and put up with their weirdness?!

(woops, soz it's long)

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 25/10/2011 17:56

Its weird that they totally ignore you, but lovely that they really love spending their time with your dd.

In a few years, you can use it to your advantage and go for a massage or something whilst they fawn over the children, they probably won't even notice you're gone!! Whilst it must sting a little they probably don't dislike you, its just you're not as interesting as a small child. x

LemonDifficult · 25/10/2011 17:56

You sound quite U.

Maybe I'm missing something, but I think they're trying to stay out of your way by staying 'in the corner'. By your tone, I sort of think they might have a point.

ScaredtheDeesusOutofMe · 25/10/2011 17:57

YANBU. They sound a bit odd to me.....has there been a particular incident that you've fallen out over in the past...? How do they react if you do try and engage them in conversation...?

activate · 25/10/2011 18:00

but surely they acknowledge you?

Or do they not like you?

Original poster
Woofsaidtheladybird · 25/10/2011 18:02

Not at all, lemon. I am always incredibly friendly, offer drinks, food, they and engage them in conversation, etc, but they are purely focused on DD. They are the same with DH. His brother also thinks they are utterly bonkers too. Also, this is my home - Do people go to other people's houses and ignore them?!

Also what about the issue that they seem to be forgetting that I am heavily pregnant, still working and knackered, and inviting themselves round first thing on a Saturday morning whilst I'm not up yet and would like a bit of
peace?

OP posts:
DrinkYourWeakLemonDrinkNow · 25/10/2011 18:02

How strangeConfused Are they trying (overly) not to put you to any trouble perhaps or have a huge inferiority complex?

I would def be getting dh to find out what's behind all this. How did you get along with them before dc arrived?

thereistheball · 25/10/2011 18:02

That does sound a bit odd but maybe they are just trying not to put you to any bother when they come. Can you find a way of persuading them to stay for lunch or something next time, so you can chat with them a bit? In your shoes I wouldn't want to do anything to discourage them from spending time with your DD (and future DCs).

LemonDifficult · 25/10/2011 18:04

^Also what about the issue that they seem to be forgetting that I am heavily pregnant, still working and knackered, and inviting themselves round first thing on a Saturday morning whilst I'm not up yet and would like a bit of
peace?^

Hence, staying in the corner. I take it DD is their only, and much adored, grandchild?

Original poster
Woofsaidtheladybird · 25/10/2011 18:04

No incident at all. They do acknowledge me, and they do reply, but then it's quickly back to the play-do or whatever. They are also like it with DH. I am also wife number 2, if that's relevant (DH had no children from first marriage) and apparently they didn't like his ex...

OP posts:
MrsCampbellBlack · 25/10/2011 18:07

Well they do sound a little odd but I'd take advantage of their adoration and total interaction with your DD.

Take yourself into another room with a book or whatever and rest.

Original poster
Woofsaidtheladybird · 25/10/2011 18:10

But why stay in the corner when downstairs with DH? He feels as much as a plonker as I do! But yes, DD is first and only grandchild. What if our next DC is a boy, which may make things worse.... FIL did say that when DD was born that he was disappointed it wasn't a boy...

Last time they came for lunch - on our invitation and we'd got stuff in - they brought their own food... Pork pies and gazpacho...

Pre DC we hardly ever saw them, they wen't interested. Certainly never stayed. But then I did get pregnant less than a year after meeting DH... Blush

OP posts:
Trifle · 25/10/2011 18:11

I know of many grandparents that visit, pretending to want to see their gc but usually ignore them so I think you are quite lucky that they devote their entire time to engaging with your dd.

I cant understand why, when they rang at 8am that you got up, ran a bath and stayed there, furious. Why didnt you just stay in bed, quite what point were you making.

I would take advantage of the time when they visit to have a lie down, read in peace, pop to the shops.

They obviously dont want or need to interract with you.

CustardCake · 25/10/2011 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Woofsaidtheladybird · 25/10/2011 18:13

But mrscampbell, it just seems weird. Anyone else coming to see us like to chat to us - and why should I feel outer by having to feel to go upstairs and hide in my room and rerad if and when they visit?

But fair enough, maybe I'll just admit they're a bit odd and let them get on with it....

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 25/10/2011 18:14

Yanbu.

plantsitter · 25/10/2011 18:15

It is a bit weird. But can't you go out and do something on your own while they are there? Could you convince DP that you're so annoyed by the whole thing you need a pregnancy massage to release the tension and then go the next time they come?

GypsyMoth · 25/10/2011 18:16

Go over to 'gransnet' and ask their opinion/take on it?

RandomMess · 25/10/2011 18:17

Invite them around over lunch time and go out for a child free lunch/early evening meal whatever.

Yes it's odd and rude, I would be concerned that they seem to see your dd as their property a little bit Confused

Original poster
Woofsaidtheladybird · 25/10/2011 18:17

Trifle, the phone woke me up, and I can't be comfy lying down when awake, if that makes sense. I wasn't trying to make a point, I wanted my bath which I do when DH is about at the weekend, and was just too angry that they'd invite themselves round. Again. And why they don't 'need or want to interact' with me? That makes me feel really sad..

OP posts:
CoralRose · 25/10/2011 18:18

They sound as if they are trying to keep out of your way. Either because you are heavily pregnant and they don't want to be a burden to you, or because your not very nice.
Either way, it's heartwarming to hear how involved they get with their DGD, rather than just drinking tea and 'looking' at her

BattyDevineIntervention · 25/10/2011 18:19

Move the corner. It'd be worth it to see the look on their face Grin

Or say you have decided to do "babywearing" and strap DD to you so they have to engage with you too Grin

I don't think you are unreasonable to find it strange, but they are not really wrong as such. I'm sure they don't mean to be rude. It sounds like they are trying to stay out of your way or even like they might think they are doing you a favour sitting there engaging with her so you don't have to be busy distracting her and chatting to them.

It sounds slightly as if you want to dislike them but I might be wrong about that. Do they have any good points?

Original poster
Woofsaidtheladybird · 25/10/2011 18:20

Oooh gransnet, now theres an idea!

Random, they did try and 'help' the other week, they wanted to take DD out to the zoo for the day, but DD wouldn't get in the car with them, she just wanted me... We gave up in the end, and they left 10 minutes later.

Gotta go - DH is home - back later!

OP posts:
LemonDifficult · 25/10/2011 18:22

Sometimes it's OK to phone family members at 8am and not some freaky rude imposition - they ARE close family, afterall, and they were passing. This doesn't seem that bad. Being furious is ridiculous.

Bringing their own food etc, just sounds like a well-meant but misjudged way of not wanting to piss you off. I think they'll have picked up on your view of them and are just trying to be as low-key as possible.

LittleMissWoodscommaElle · 25/10/2011 18:22

YANBU. I would not have accepted visitors at that time on a sunday morning (I know it was Saturday but I work Saturdays so to me the weekend starts on Sundays)

In fact if our phone rings at that time we ignore it.

Saying that I will have a bath or shower when the in laws come round but they help look after the dc so will often come early on purpose so I can get ready in peace whilst they look after the dc. They do also bring their own food onthose occasions but wouldn;t dream of doing so if we invited them round for a meal.

Your in laws sound plain rude.

Trifle · 25/10/2011 18:23

Whenever they invite themselves round make a point of telling them it's not convenient and suggest an alternative date.

As neither your or your dp has done that (seemingly through lack of balls on his part) then you have no one else to blame and that you allow yourselves to be constantly available.

Also, why do you have to 'hide' in your room?