Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

to think my ILs are being bloody rude and this is the last straw?!

78 replies

Woofsaidtheladybird · 25/10/2011 17:53

Ok, so I'm 7 months pregnant so could be being overly sensitive, but hey.

PILs see DD who is coming up to 2 and a half every few weeks or so. They live about an hour and a half's drive away, and always email DH to say when 'they' will come and see DD. Not us as a family, but DD. If and when they do come, they sit on the floor in the corner of the lounge where all the toys are, playing with DD, and practically ignore us. If they ever stay - on the invitation of us, they will get up and leave around 6am before anyone is up.

I don't have an issue with them coming to see us, but 'just' DD is a bit bonkers. I also like to invite people to stay, rather than people saying 'we are coming on x date'. We do invite them, but they tend to be busy whenever we suggest dates. DH usually agrees to their request for an easy life - he doesn't have the best of relationships with them, and we do owe them money, which we are paying off a hefty sum per month, which DH feels indebted to them about.

Anyway.

They were going on holiday just over a week ago, and wanted to pop in for about 10 minutes on their way to the airport to see DD - a Tues afternoon, so DH was at work, and it was on one of my days off. They refused a cuppa, went straight to 'the corner' and stayed. For 2 hours. Hardly spoke to me. I felt like a right award twat in my own home. Fast forward to Saturday when they came back from holiday and had landed, and they called at 8am - to say they were on their way over as they'd landed and wanted to see DD. DH gets up for DD at the weekends to give me a bit of a break at the mo (bearing in mind I'm up half the night weeing and generally being uncomfy). He told them them that I was still in bed and they said 'that's ok, we're not coming to see woof, we're coming to see our grand-daughter, see you in a bit.'

I was furious. I got up, ran a bath, and stayed in there. Seething.They stayed 20 minutes. WTF?

I have explained to DH that this is rude - isn't it? - and people come to see us, we are a package, etc, and I will not tolerate this anymore. He agreed and said he'd say something....

So. AIBU to think they are bloody rude and odd, or shall I get off my hormonal high horse and put up with their weirdness?!

(woops, soz it's long)

OP posts:

LittleMissFlustered · 25/10/2011 18:23

On the Saturday morning I would just have said 'no'. Just because they are doting does not entire them to invite themselves to your home when they feel like it. They are rude. I would personally explain that their actions are making you and your husband feel uncomfortable, and that if they have issues with you as a family unit they need to step back and work them out before visiting (when invited, not at their wn convenience) again.

loolooskiptotheloo · 25/10/2011 18:24

if they stay over what are they like when GC has gone to bed?

exoticfruits · 25/10/2011 18:24

YANBU. I suggest that you put it to DH that you have an adult relationship. Leave DC with a babysitter and see them alone sometimes.

exoticfruits · 25/10/2011 18:25

I think it will ease off later as DD gets older and thinks it odd.

Noopypappy · 25/10/2011 18:27

My MIL always says that they are here to see DS. Which I always say back to her just before I pop out for a couple of hours!

benandhollyandgaston · 25/10/2011 18:28

How are they socially with other people?

I ask because my ILs are just the same although try to be a BIT more polite about it.

However, my ILs are pretty socially, er...under-developed? They don't socialise with others much at all and are just a bit awkward generally. I think they find it easier to focus on the DC and just kind of ignore me.

It actually doesn't really bother me at all because, frankly, I have nothing in common with them and don't particularly want to chat to them for hours anyway. I have now started asking, when they visit, if it's ok if I pop out for a little bit and get something done while they keep an eye on the DC and they are very happy to do that. So now I just see it as an opportunity to have a bit of time to myself.

When I was pregnant I would tell them I was going upstairs to sort something out then go off and have a nap

MonkeyTastic · 25/10/2011 18:29

Inviting yourself round to someones house to totally ignore them is not doing them a favour. It's pretty aggressive IMO. They're happy to display complete disregard for you but because they do it while playing with their GD then thats ok?!

Where have you guys beamed down from? Planet Pussy? Why make simpering excuses for this behaviour? It's plain rude!

Yes it's lovely for them to come round and want to spend their time with their GD but they can't ignore her mother. It's HER house not a friction' baby zoo.

Peace [hsmile]

mynewpassion · 25/10/2011 18:30

Why can grandparents do no right?

If they engage too much, they are annoying. If they don't engage enough, they are annoying. They can't win.

LemonDifficult · 25/10/2011 18:31

Yes it's odd and rude, I would be concerned that they seem to see your dd as their property a little bit confused

Not sure anyone is anyone else's 'property', but... she IS their grandchild. That's worth, a lot, a lot. And they clearly adore her. And it doesn't sound as though they do anything more sinister that play and chat to her.

I agree BattyDivine - are you just looking to dislike them? They sound pretty low maintenence and benign to me, and they love your DD. They might not be so keen on you though - they seem a bit nervous of you (with reason?).

MollyMurphy · 25/10/2011 18:32

YANBU they are rude and shouldn't be announcing when they are coming over - they should be asking... that is common courtesy. I would tell them to please call and ask if its a good time before they determine that they are going to come over as you et all often have your own plans.

Ignoring you the whole time is obnoxious as well however much they enjoy seeing their grandchild. There isn't really a good way to mention that is there?

In terms of the visiting thing though don't let it fester is my view - address it.

WilsonFrickett · 25/10/2011 18:37

YANBU - it's odd. Are they odd? Have they only became 'odd' since DGD appeared? FWIW my own mother stopped noticing my very existence when my DS appeared (to the extent that she paraded him round her office saying to everyone 'meet my baby'. To which I replied 'sorry, you've got mixed up, I am your baby, he is my one). Don't think she would have ignored me to that extent though, not least as DS is still to young to pour her a wine. But that's a whole other thread...

Having said that, the 8am thing isn't really strange, if family who live an hour and a half's drive away are passing the door there is nothing wrong with dropping by. Although I might have mentioned it on the visit before they left...

mynewpassion · 25/10/2011 18:39

I am with you LemonDifficult. They seem pretty low maintenance to me, too. They say hi and talk to OP and DH but their main focus is to spend a couple of hours with their DD since they live a fair distance away and might only see her once or twice a month only.

Honestly, do you want them to talk to you for half the time they are there?

I would be a bit annoyed with an 8am visit but they only visited for 20 minutes and DH was already up with DD while OP was having a lie in, which they were informed. They probably just want to drop off a gift they bought for her from their holiday but not be too intrusive because they left shortly.

TheBestWitch · 25/10/2011 18:40

My PIL are like this and I sometimes think that if they just want to see the kids they could at least babysit or take them out somewhere. Tey are perfectly fit and well but don't want to. We need to be on hand to sort out any tantrums and change the youngests nappy. Other than that we may as well not be there.
Not sure what you can do about the ignoring you but as for the inviting I would make sure I was busy when they tell you they are coming and suggest a more convenient time for you. If they say no suggest anther time convenient to you - at a later date (whilst being busy at times they suggest). Continue until they get the idea that they need to be invited.

diddl · 25/10/2011 18:40

Well if it´s not convenient, say no!

And if they say no when you suggest it, that´s their loss.

But tbh I think they sound great-engaging with your daughter.

When I had my second-it was in the evening & ILs were at ours looking after PFB, I told my husband that I felt fine & they were more than welcome to come & see me the next day.

They drove right past the hospital, but didn´t come in.

I was in for 5days-but no visit from them.

TBH, when they did come to visit us I´d much rather that they´d sat in the corner playing with the kids than us all sitting looking at the walls in silence.

Actually, husband & I used to play wih the children & leave them to it!

Floggingmolly · 25/10/2011 18:41

When you say they sit in the corner, surely it's just because your dd is actually there playing with her toys? I mean, if she went for example into the garden to play, they'd follow her there, I presume? It doesn't sound so very odd to me, they're just doting grandparents.

squeakyfreakytoy · 25/10/2011 18:45

move the toys... dont have them out on display, and then see what happens, because they sound weird and very bloody rude..

TheBestWitch · 25/10/2011 18:45

Believe me it is odd when they have no interest in talking to you whatsoever. I mean DH is their son ffs. Do they not want to know how he is? If we try to converse with them they literally ignore us most of the time. I think if you want to be completely absorbed by your gc to the point of actually being rude you could at least offer to babysit or take them out somewhere.
I hope I still give a shit about my kids if they reproduce.

whatacrapstressfulday · 25/10/2011 18:49

yanbu, they sound rude and weird, you're a family and they could at least make a pretence of coming to see you all.

Nanny0gg · 25/10/2011 18:50

They are bonkers.
And rude.
I wonder what they'll be like with DGC2?

itspeanutbutterjellytime · 25/10/2011 18:50

YANBU. But be honest, have you done something in the past which has made them this way towards you?

It is rude though. And weird.

Hullygully · 25/10/2011 18:51

pork pies and gazpacho!

How would you decide on that? Imagine the discussion...

saltyair · 25/10/2011 18:57

I was thinking that exact same thing Hully.

They sound very odd to me.

needanewname · 25/10/2011 19:01

Very odd.

Agreed with others, when they call to tell you they're coming over, if it's convenient say lovely see you then. If its not, tell them - it's really not that difficult.

Btw I love the idea of moving the room around so the toys are elsewhere, or even put them all away

exoticfruits · 25/10/2011 19:01

I normally stand up for grandparents-especially the ILs side- but they are very rude. If it was me I would invite other people around at the same time, like my parents, and force them to be more sociable. It needs to come from DH really-I don't know why he let it it get to the state it has.

WinkyWinkola · 25/10/2011 19:01

It's odd and rude behaviour. Especially in someone else's home. I'm sorry but it is peculiar to go into a house and practically ignore all but one person.

And to say "We're only coming to see our dgd," is also rude and strange.

Have they always been a bit mad? And offensive?

Flip

1 2 3 4