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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about the amount of support I expect from DP?

100 replies

NorthernGirlie · 24/10/2011 12:31

I'm currently 21 weeks pregnant with our first - and I'm really struggling with my DPs attitude towards it. Not sure if I'm BU or precious...

Been together 3 years (friends for years before that) and sickeningly happy - decided to try for a baby last year (more his idea than mine although I was very keen to be a mummy too - he's always wanted kids and is brilliant with them)- and got bfp in July. I was over the moon and couldn't wait to tell him.

However - I was less than impressed by his reaction - indifferent to the test result / wasn't sure there was a line / happy to wait a week to test again (and was keen for us both to attend a preplanned piss up whilst it was still up in the air). Confirmed pregnancy on morning of planned night out and he still went - he didn't really talk to me about the pregnancy for first couple of weeks and this caused a masive amount of stress - especially as he was telling his friends he was thrilled etc - had to hear it from them which was really hurtful.

Anyway - thought he's come round a bit but he's still not really interested. He comes to the scans but doesn't really seem keen / emotional. Last scan on Friday - i was really worried as hadn't felt the usual flutterings for a few days etc. Tried to share my worries and he told me not to worry / I was turning into my mother fretting about every little thing (I've actually been laid back - only worried about 2 small bleeds).

I'm finding myself trying not to talk to him about the baby as I'm always disappointed by his lack of enthusiasm / interest.

I've had a few problems (although I've tried not to moan) - been on injections for severe swelling / suffering from massively swollen feet since week 10 etc... doc advised getting my DP to massage my feet but he said 'you're joking...'. He never asks how I am and doesn't make any allowances for the fact that I can only walk very slowly at the min 'hurry up,,,' etc

i've begged him to be more supportive / show an interest but he just says i'm on his back again. He's usually so kind / loving etc - I don't know how to be around him - and I feel resentful that he's 'spoiling' what should be a lovely time.
Sorry for the long, long rant - am I expecting too much??

OP posts:

mrskeithlemon · 24/10/2011 12:34

YANBU, but remember, he isn't pregnant. Its harder to relate to the pregnancy I guess, if it isn't you personally carrying the baby

Tortoiseinadarkspell · 24/10/2011 12:37

Er, no. He sounds like a twat, to be honest. I mean, I do read threads on here from women who are disappointed that their partners aren't 'bonding with the bump' and I think they're being a bit precious, but this guy is being more than unsympathetic, he's basically telling you that unless you act completely unpregnant, you are an irritating burden. I mean 'hurry up' to someone with horribly swollen painful feet, 'you're turning into your mother' when you worry (and bleeds are terrifying!), expects you to pretend you're not pregnant for another week so you can get pissed with him.

Basically it's his terms or no terms, isn't it?

Faffalina · 24/10/2011 12:37

You're not expecting too much to have some interest / support.

Maybe don't mention pregnancy / babies and see how long it takes him to bring it up himself.

liftthatup · 24/10/2011 12:39

Agree with Mrs Lemon above. Also, both my dad and DH later admitted that they were so frightened of something 'going wrong' that they almost didn't want to get too into pregnancy mode (dad wouldn't even touch my bump to feel a kick). Once the DC were out in the open they were changed men

GlitterySkulls · 24/10/2011 12:40

yanbu at all, but maybe your dp is struggling to accept the upcoming responsibility, or perhaps, as mrskeith says, he's struggling to relate.

i'm sure once you actually have the baby there in your arms, he'll be much better- sometimes it just takes for the baby to actually be right there for it to be real, iyswim?

congratulations & good luck with the rest of your pregnancy :)

KatAndKit · 24/10/2011 12:40

YANBU at all. I totally get that men are not the ones who are pregnant and they are not thinking about it 24/7 but that isn't an excuse for being totally unsupportive and not understanding what a big deal it is both physically and emotionally for a woman. Not being helpful with health problems that you have actually had diagnosed by a doctor, and refusing to do one little thing to help alleviate your pain is very twattish.

Original poster

NorthernGirlie · 24/10/2011 12:41

Thanks for the feedback - like i say he's usually perfect - i just don't understand him when he says this is all he's ever wanted etc...

I try not to mention it but it's hard _ i'm excited and I desperately want us to share it.

OP posts:

GlitterySkulls · 24/10/2011 12:41

x-posts with everyone else

worraliberty · 24/10/2011 12:41

YANBU to expect some interest but I think a lot of men aren't as 'into' the whole pregnancy excitement thing...infact some can feel like a spare part because they don't know how to act IYSWIM?

Just out of interest, why didn't you want to go on the planned night out with him?

spookshowangellovesit · 24/10/2011 12:42

men can be weird about pregnancy and find it really hard to see/understand why everything has changed. however that does not really give them license to behave like insensitive pricks. you are not expecting too much to expect you DP to want to handle you with a bit of care while you are pregnant whether it is needed or not.
i most certainly would be not being as understanding as you are about it all and i am about as far along as you and i have had no such scary things as bleeds and things.
i would be having some strong words.

Original poster

NorthernGirlie · 24/10/2011 12:43

I din't want to go as I knew I was pregnant - I was emotional / excited etc and didn't want to spend the first night with our news trying to hide the fact that I wouldn't be drinking from friends on a massive bar crawl (think shots / out from 4pm etc - once a year night out)

OP posts:

faverolles · 24/10/2011 12:46

DH was a bit like this every time I was pregnant - turns out he was worried about me and the baby, and didn't want to worry me about it.
In labour with our first, he sat and read magazines most of the time. He rubbed my back for about 5 mins then complained his wrists were aching
As soon as our babies arrived though, he was fabulous, supportive, helpful. Everything you could wish for.

I don't think some men get pregnancy at all, and cannot grasp how utterly shite it can leave you feeling.

KatAndKit · 24/10/2011 12:47

I don't expect my partner to be reading all the baby books and "bonding with the bump" and asking me about it all day long. He pretty much treats me as normal. But I do expect sympathy when I am in pain and I do expect support with the fact that some jobs around the house I now find difficult due to the pains.

Is he having some emotional issues about becoming a father? Perhaps he is very nervous, even though it is something he really wants it is still scary. And by not "acknowledging" that you are pregnant and not getting into the whole thing, that is his way of not dealing with his feelings?
I think you should have a proper talk with him.

worraliberty · 24/10/2011 12:49

Oh I see

Yes it's weird when you first find out...kind of like the whole world should stop and somehow be different because you've had such wonderful news?

I remember finding out I was pregnant with DS1 and literally 10 minutes later I had to get into a car and spend a long weekend with my inlaws in their caravan.

I thought I was going to burst LOL

mumblejumble · 24/10/2011 12:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.
Before you became pregnant how did he react when you needed him, when you were ill or anything like that. Has he been emotionally supportive in the past? Have you told him how you feel? How does he react to that.
Even if he can't understand how you might feel, he should still want to care about what happens because you are concerned and worried. He should not be shouting at you to hurry up because you can't keep up with him.

Original poster

NorthernGirlie · 24/10/2011 12:49

Faverolles - I'm sure he'll be fine once baby is here but I'm already dreading what he'll be like when I'm in labour - he doesn't understand sympathy (honestly, he is lovely usually - I'm painting him as a total twat here - I know) as he says it doesn't make pain go away... when we went for the scan last week he knew I was on tenterhooks but played on his phone in the waiting room instead of reassuring me etc! Argh - bloody men!

OP posts:

Original poster

NorthernGirlie · 24/10/2011 12:51

He's usually very loving (apart from not understanding sympathy, lol) we're very affectionate and I have no doubts that he loves me.

I've tried talking to him - was in tears for 2 hours last night but he's so laid back - just says he does care etc but just sounds like he's going through the motions. 4 more months is a long time to feel like this even though I'm sure he'll be fine once baby is here!

OP posts:

KatAndKit · 24/10/2011 12:52

He doesn't sound all that lovely in my opinion if he can't show any sympathy at all. You have enough to worry about in labour without also having to worry about what he is going to be like.

It's all very well being wonderful when the baby is here but in my opinion that is not a get out of jail card that allows you to be inconsiderate during the pregnancy. I don't expect men to be singing songs to the bump and getting all into hypnobirthing and researching breastfeeding and whatever. But to totally disregard what your partner is going through to bring the baby into the world is not on.

worraliberty · 24/10/2011 12:53

He's probably nervous, worried and excited about becoming a parent.

Sometimes it can be difficult to voice your fears/concerns when you're not the one who is pregnant.

KatAndKit · 24/10/2011 12:54

Also I think you need to be very specific in your requests. Rather than just say "I want you to be more supportive" tell him exactly the things that you want him to be doing/not doing and give a reason why. It is harder to not understand specific instructions than it is to ignore a vague request for more sympathy.

PeterSkullsWitch · 24/10/2011 12:55

YANBU - that does sound hurtful. I think it just takes a bit longer to sink in because your partner isn't the one who is physically pregnant so isn't yet as affected by it as you are in every way.

My DH said that by the end when I was very obviously pregnant and the baby was moving around etc it got far more real for him as before then he couldn't actually see the changes which were happening inside me and even admitted he sometimes thought I was just having a moan about being tired etc. No comment!!!

faverolles · 24/10/2011 12:55

I think if I had been trying labour again (I ended up with cs's) I would seriously consider asking my sister to support me.
I think a talk with your DH spelling out what you expect when you are in labour. And don't let him take a magazine - you'll need your energy focusing on labour, not holding yourself back from punching an unhelpful DH :)

Original poster

NorthernGirlie · 24/10/2011 12:58

I try kat - as in 'i'd like you to ask after me when you can see I'm in pain' 'how come you've not asked if i've felt anymore movement after i'd said it had stopped' He just said he knew I was being daft about the movement as it's still early etc and that he thinks there's only something to worry about if you have pains in the bump... where he got that from I have no idea...

OP posts:

Tortoiseinadarkspell · 24/10/2011 13:03

It's not the lack of emotion at scans or that he's not very verbally sympathetic. It's the fact that he's scoffing at the very idea that your pain is real - see, "hurry up" - or that he could possibly help with massaging. It's the fact that he's making fun of you when he perceives you to be worrying - I'm assuming 'you're turning into your mother' was not supposed to be a compliment, and therefore it was intended to shut you up. It sounds less like he's struggling to come to terms with the reality of the pregnancy and more like he's scared that you'll turn into someone who is - gasp! - a bit vulnerable and reliant on him.

Original poster

NorthernGirlie · 24/10/2011 13:07

Tortoise - it was definitely not meant to be a compliment. My mum can be a tad dramatic and is known for worrying etc - as a result I really try to be the opposite and my friends say I'm a 'keep calm and carry on martyr'. i think his ex was a a bit 'blokey' and unemotional and that he struggles to deal with women's issues tbh!

OP posts:

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