about the amount of support I expect from DP?

[NorthernGirlie]

I'm currently 21 weeks pregnant with our first - and I'm really struggling with my DPs attitude towards it. Not sure if I'm BU or precious...

Been together 3 years (friends for years before that) and sickeningly happy - decided to try for a baby last year (more his idea than mine although I was very keen to be a mummy too - he's always wanted kids and is brilliant with them)- and got bfp in July. I was over the moon and couldn't wait to tell him.

However - I was less than impressed by his reaction - indifferent to the test result / wasn't sure there was a line / happy to wait a week to test again (and was keen for us both to attend a preplanned piss up whilst it was still up in the air). Confirmed pregnancy on morning of planned night out and he still went - he didn't really talk to me about the pregnancy for first couple of weeks and this caused a masive amount of stress - especially as he was telling his friends he was thrilled etc - had to hear it from them which was really hurtful.

Anyway - thought he's come round a bit but he's still not really interested. He comes to the scans but doesn't really seem keen / emotional. Last scan on Friday - i was really worried as hadn't felt the usual flutterings for a few days etc. Tried to share my worries and he told me not to worry / I was turning into my mother fretting about every little thing (I've actually been laid back - only worried about 2 small bleeds).

I'm finding myself trying not to talk to him about the baby as I'm always disappointed by his lack of enthusiasm / interest.

I've had a few problems (although I've tried not to moan) - been on injections for severe swelling / suffering from massively swollen feet since week 10 etc... doc advised getting my DP to massage my feet but he said 'you're joking...'. He never asks how I am and doesn't make any allowances for the fact that I can only walk very slowly at the min 'hurry up,,,' etc

i've begged him to be more supportive / show an interest but he just says i'm on his back again. He's usually so kind / loving etc - I don't know how to be around him - and I feel resentful that he's 'spoiling' what should be a lovely time.
Sorry for the long, long rant - am I expecting too much??

• Does one of you have a fear that what you have may not last?

typos galore

Are you going to any antenatal classes?
MrNC was supportive of me but really not able to talk about any of his feelings when I got pregnant, but then I did the NCT antenatal course where half the sessions were for partners as well as the mothers, and there were group exercises where the men wrote down their main worries and the women did too.

Apparently our groups were typical as the men all said they were worried about money, how they'd cope looking after us and babies on no sleep, the fact that they knew nothing about babies, etc, and the women worried that their partners weren't really interested.

It really helped. And all the blokes turned out to be interested (if still terrified) in the last couple months and after the babies were born.

If his friends haven't had kids yet, could you find some dads' group he could go to?

He's wanted a child for the past 20 years? How old is this chap? How old are you?

YANBU OP. He sounds pretty awful at the moment.

DMD - you're right, he's not hearing me but I don't know how else I can put it - I've begged him to show some interest / explained that I feel upset that he's never started a single conversation about the baby, said that I feel lonely... but I do feel that i need the head space at the moment.

NC - we're not attending any classes yet - not sure if 21 weeks is too early??

Sansa - he's 41, I'm 33. I've always known he wanted children and have even asked if it's me - did he only want children with someone else and is agrieved that it's me he's ended up having one with - he just says 'no' - nothing more.

Was there a reason you decided to try for a baby before you got married? It may be you both disapprove of marriage but given that this was a planned pregnancy and you have been together for 3 years I wonder why you didn't get married first. It doesn't sound as though you can really talk to each other.
At only 21 weeks perhaps he is unsure what level of interest you expect him to show, or how you expect him to show interest. Perhaps he feels it will jinx the pregnancy if he talks about the baby alot at an early stage.
At the same time you will need to do practical stuff like plan the baby's bedroom, decide sleeping arrangements, what sort of nappies to use, discuss child rearing etc and I would expect him to be involved in those sort of discussions.
My kids are teenagers now so I can't remember how much my ex and I discussed the kids at that stage. We were still going on long cycling trips and walks etc and I was still working and socialising so I suspect the baby was just mentioned now and then and in a practical way when planning for life with him.
I went to NCT classes from about 20 weeks and went to those alone, he came to one antenatal class and hated it.
Can you still talk about things other than the baby? If your relationship was basically good I wouldn't have thought him not being keen to talk about baby stuff would have caused as much upset as it has, and you could still be intimate together and just let the baby come naturally into conversations, or not as the case may be.

Sorry, I am a late comer to this thread but have been reading from the beginning.

"I've always known he wanted children and have even asked if it's me - did he only want children with someone else and is agrieved that it's me he's ended up having one with - he just says 'no' - nothing more."

This made me so for you. His one word, closed response is so unfair and cruel.

So what if he's scared? He's acting like a twat towards you and that is not on. All those times you've been scared, you haven't acted like a twat towards him have you?

I think it's good you're having time apart.

DoMeDon, you really do have strange ideas.

OP, I'm sorry but the man you are with isn't the man you thought he was. He is controlling you (telling you not to feel the way you do, telling you not to express yourself in the way you do) and he is very, very mean.

He's not worried or nervous, as some hopefuls have suggested. If he was, he'd act completely differently.

He is indifferent to you, to the baby and to your relationship.

God knows why he's like that. He wanted you to get pregnant.

I wonder whether something happened in the time between you planning the baby and you getting pregnant. I was married and had two children with my ex. The first was planned and my ex was amazing with the pregnancy, the birth and the child. The second was planned and during it my ex started an affair. Everything was different - it was as though he was detached from the situation. He was polite, but not involved. He didn't bond with the child for a long time.

I didn't know about the affair until my youngest was 8 and suddenly everything fell into place.

If a man is giving all of his attention to an affair, there's often nothing left to give to the wife and child.

I'm not saying this is happening to you, but please consider it.

You can't put it any other way. You can't change another person, only your expectations of them. You can either accpet his behaviour or not. You seem to have decided not to. If his attitude stays as it is, would you rather be a single parent?

As for the response to your question about having DC with someone else. What do you expect him to say? He said no, why isn't that enough? The question says a lot to me about your own insecurities. As does your need to be reassured about your pg.

I can honestly say I identify with how you feel and was on practically the same path as you are now. Even our ages were the same!! It brought me utter misery and I wish I could say something that would save you that pain.

Which ideas are they, Imperial?

DoMeDon:

Well, "Don't allow yourself to be hurt by his seeming lack of interest, assume he IS interested and overjoyed but just showing it differently" for one.

Clearly the OP's DP is NOT interested and is NOT overjoyed.

And for another, "I think YAB a bit U tbh - he is being the same person he has always been from the sound of it and you aren't."

Clearly the OP's DP's changed, otherwise she wouldn't have wanted to have a baby with him.

OP, from your post I think you don't sound like you're being unreasonable at all. I really feel for you.

Not to be all doom and gloom, but my DP and his ex almost split up (after a long-term, very happy relationship) during the pregnancy stage. Ultimately, they then ended up splitting up the year after anyway. Things never got back on track.

The way my DP tells it: his ex changed into someone unrecognisable to who she had been before - suddenly clingy, needy, paranoid about everything, constantly disatisfied with him etc etc. They had had no doubts about their relationship before they started trying for a baby, but apparently as soon as they started TTC it all started to go wrong.

Of course the big question mark in my mind is whether my DP was in fact the one being urneasonable and acting like your DP, or whether his ex did change as much as he says she did. And even if she did, I'd have hoped he would show some sympathy and ability to cope since some degree of all the stuff he mentioned is inevitable during pregnancy for most people I'd think.

(The only thing that makes me think he can't have been unequivocally to blame is that he and the ex are still really good friends now and there's no hint of ongoing bitterness about the split or towards him. But I am dying to hear his ex's side of the story...and we do get on so I am just waiting for the right moment to ask her about it. Unfortunately it's very tricky to find such a moment, and to ask the question in a sensitive way.)

But anyway OP, I think there could be lots of reasons for your DH's behaviour, like he could be massively scared at the prospect that he really is going to be a father and not want to face up to the fact that his life has therefore changed forever. The longer he pretends everything is normal and nothing has changed, the less he has to actually accept this huge change in his life. It's one thing to want a baby, but another thing to deal with it when it actually becomes real and inevitable IMO. It's not "reasonable" of him, because he should at least be able to show you a basic level of sympathy and compassion, but maybe his fear is very very strong and taking precedence for him over everything else?

I hope your time apart helps things to become clearer for you both. Maybe it will shock him into getting his priorities straight.

OP - What Imperial Blether said also occurred to me - is it possible? (I hope not)

He's 41 years old and can't get it up to show a sense of maturity and duty and buck up and be supportive, even if he has to fake it and hold his tongue for your sake and that of his child? Honestly, I could not be fucked with such an individual with so little sense of duty and being able to act the adult, even when you don't feel like it inside, because you will have to do that all the time once you have a child. If you can muster it up and step up to the plate even during the pregnancy, or learn to at least make some show of it because it''s not all about you anymore, then I can't say I blame you for getting some space and whilst you have it, do some really hard thinking, OP, because you know you deserve more than this.

He said he cares, OP said she has no doubt he loves her, he wanted this baby. All those things indicate he is overjoyed.

It is not 'clear' he has changed to me from what is written. He is not being overly sympathetic - a trait he had before the pg. OP says her friends call her a 'keep calm, carry on' martyr. Her DH's experience of her is a coper - she is not coping as well now due to the disappointment at DH's reaction, the changes from pg, the pain she is in, etc - so his experience of her has changed.

What does he need to step up to? He goes to the scans but is not enthusiastic enough. Op tells him her worries and he tells her not to worry. It really sounds like 2 different sets of expectations to me. OP will see it the way she chooses - but IMO life has far more grey than 'he has turned into one of those shit men who thinks of you as a domestic appliance with a fuck hole, dump the twat'.

My DH doesn't "get" pregnancy - doesn't get excited, doesn't have anything much to say about it, will only suggest ridiculous names.

But at least he's nice to me when I'm pregnant.

This guy doesn't sound remotely laid back. Laid back people don't refuse to discuss anything they deem "irrelevant". That's what selfish, controlling people do.

This guy is being actively mean. If that's how he reacts when you need to rely on him, your life with him will be shite.

Hiya I am 20 weeks and have had a v similar experience. It was more his idea than mine, I fell pregnant so quick just two months we were both in shock, we have our share of tiffs but he is a good guy and then two months in went off the rails moved out, started shouting at me, being a total dick, he did come to counselling even though he hated it, he went away came back and seems to be more his normal self. I had a v hard time accepting it as I could not understand why, mid wife said it's actually v common and a friend of mine also a counsellor said that he has also seen men finding it hard to sop with so I am giving him the benefit of the doubt at the moment but feel that for once we should b treated like princesses just a bit ;-)

Northern I don't agree with posters who've said he might be having a hard time coping or coming to terms with the pregnancy, the poor diddums , or that he's probably interested 'in his own way'. Bullshit. You've tried to discuss how you feel about his clear lack of interest three times and he just dismisses you. He doesn't care about you having a hard time health-wise and dismisses that too.

Like you, I was with my ex for 4 years and it was him that suggested having a baby. I said no at first, then after around six months I agreed because I also wanted one - I just wanted to ensure the relationship was secure and stable before going ahead. I got pregnant but after the first scan he became withdrawn and disinterested. I remember having a MW appointment where I heard the heartbeat for the first time, and text him to tell him all was ok before I went back to work. He didn't reply, and when I mentioned it when I got home that night he just shrugged. I bought a pack of plain babygros and he just said 'they won't fit you' - not in a jokey way, but in the tone of someone who really couldn't give a shit. I should have realised then, but I soldiered on.

When I was 17 weeks pregnant I found out he was having an affair. Turns out he really liked getting women pregnant (I later found out he had 5 kids by 4 women at last count), but didn't like the responsibility of raising the kids he spawned. I hate to suggest this but could there be another woman involved? His behaviour and attitude sounds exactly like my ex's.

With regard to the swelling, it sounds like fluid retention (I have a kidney disease that sounds similar to another poster upthread, and get this sometimes). Maybe suggest your doc does blood/urine tests to check kidney function and rule out gestational diabetes. I'll admit I'm no medical expert but it doesn't sound right that you've had the swelling for so long. Maybe you just need a diuretic to get rid of excess fluid?

Use your days apart to gather your thoughts, and decide what it is that you want. Then go back to him and tell him. Let us know how you get on.

Thanks for the support everyone. I stayed in a hotel last night (didn't want to involve my family / friends at this stage) and had no internet access. We had along talk on the phone - he asked me to go home but I really felt like I needed the space. Still no closer to being harmonious and we're meeting face to face in a restaurant in town to talk again tonight.

He did promise to be more aware of my feelings etc (and I kno, I know I'm being fussy but it just hurts to think that he has to try to make an effort) and he's said we should make a list together of things we need for the baby which is nice.

I asked if there was anyone else and he's said no - I do believe him as I trust him and know that he loves me.

Not sure what will happen next - I don't want to stay away but equally not happy to go back and risk everything returning to normal.

I know that part of this is that i have ideal ideas of how I want him to be (lovey dovey / looking after me etc) and that I can't dictate his feelings - I just wish we could work together to make this a positive time.

Fingers crossed we can sort it - I love him and don't want to do this on my own (although I will - if I need to)

NG x

Hi Northern, I sympathise as I'm in a similar situation, but I think you are overreacting a bit. As other posters have said, some men find it difficult to connect with the idea of a baby when you're pregnant, as it's still abstract for them. You've said he's lovely in many other ways, so the fact he isn't behaving as you want during your pregnancy is surely not a deal breaker. I really don't think there is any indication he is having an affair.

I know how frustrating it is, though. You have an idealised image of how it should be and your DP doesn't live up to it. Mine has upset me over the same thing - I feel like I have to twist his arm to get him to come to scans and he has zero interest when I mention that the baby now has fingernails, eyebrows etc - but at the end of the day, I think it's extreme to be considering leaving him whilst you're pregnant! See how it goes - if he isn't good at expressing his feelings, there's no point in holding him to ransom because any change will be short-lived. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, though.

"I know that part of this is that i have ideal ideas of how I want him to be (lovey dovey / looking after me etc)"
Don't put your ideas down OP - they're not just 'ideal', they are frankly what I took for granted would happen. You are not asking him to be 'lovey dovey', you are asking for him to give a shit about your health and welfare. I would have been terrified if I had had bleeding!

If your health had been affected by anything other than pregnancy, what would you expect your partner to do? For example if you had broken your leg and were on crutches/in pain - wouldn't you expect him to fetch and carry more to allow you to be off your feet with your broken leg elevated? That is not lovey dovey, it is just common courtesy.

Can I ask - how do you generally operate as a couple? I've kind of built up a picture in my mind of him basking in your affection, used to being the centre of your world; and then feeling jealousy because he's now going to have to share you with your/his child. And not liking it one bit. How did he express affection pre-pregnancy? Did he express affection? Seriously, think hard and pin down actual instances.

I really hope you can work together to make this experience positive for both of you- have some you really deserve them. If the hotel has a spa make sure you book in for a pamper

YANBU. I hope that I am wrong for your sake and it is just nerves on his part, but your dp sounds a bit sociopathic to me in the sense that he does not even perceive that others feel pain.
An ex of mine was the same- I remember once when I had a really bad eye infection- my eye was swollen and it looked awful. Didn't have to be a doctor to see that. My ex told me that I was being stupid.
I insisted that the git take me to casualty. He did -begrudgingly- I was immediately put on antibiotics. The doctor made some allusions to my then dp along the lines of couldn't he see that my eye was getting worse? Obviously, I couldn't see my own eye throughout course of day! He did it politely, of course, but he was incredulous that my dp hadn't even noticed.

You take this uncaring attitude that your dp has and put it to you when baby is actually here and magnify it by 10, it will get worse. Not better. This guy doesn't only not care. He doesn't actually seem to accept that he should care!

You've been fooled. I am sorry. Anybody can say anything. It is the doing that counts.

solidgoldbrass is right.

Please try to keep up a strong supportive network of friends and family.