about the amount of support I expect from DP?

[NorthernGirlie]

I'm currently 21 weeks pregnant with our first - and I'm really struggling with my DPs attitude towards it. Not sure if I'm BU or precious...

Been together 3 years (friends for years before that) and sickeningly happy - decided to try for a baby last year (more his idea than mine although I was very keen to be a mummy too - he's always wanted kids and is brilliant with them)- and got bfp in July. I was over the moon and couldn't wait to tell him.

However - I was less than impressed by his reaction - indifferent to the test result / wasn't sure there was a line / happy to wait a week to test again (and was keen for us both to attend a preplanned piss up whilst it was still up in the air). Confirmed pregnancy on morning of planned night out and he still went - he didn't really talk to me about the pregnancy for first couple of weeks and this caused a masive amount of stress - especially as he was telling his friends he was thrilled etc - had to hear it from them which was really hurtful.

Anyway - thought he's come round a bit but he's still not really interested. He comes to the scans but doesn't really seem keen / emotional. Last scan on Friday - i was really worried as hadn't felt the usual flutterings for a few days etc. Tried to share my worries and he told me not to worry / I was turning into my mother fretting about every little thing (I've actually been laid back - only worried about 2 small bleeds).

I'm finding myself trying not to talk to him about the baby as I'm always disappointed by his lack of enthusiasm / interest.

I've had a few problems (although I've tried not to moan) - been on injections for severe swelling / suffering from massively swollen feet since week 10 etc... doc advised getting my DP to massage my feet but he said 'you're joking...'. He never asks how I am and doesn't make any allowances for the fact that I can only walk very slowly at the min 'hurry up,,,' etc

i've begged him to be more supportive / show an interest but he just says i'm on his back again. He's usually so kind / loving etc - I don't know how to be around him - and I feel resentful that he's 'spoiling' what should be a lovely time.
Sorry for the long, long rant - am I expecting too much??

sorry - last post sounded bitchy - I mean there didn't seem to be much of an emotional connection (knew him as a mate before we got together and think their relationship was more of a matey one - doubt there were many tears from her etc - not the type although a nice enough person... didn't want to appear mean!

YANBU.
"He's probably nervous, worried and excited about becoming a parent"
Errr...if he were showing any signs of any of the above, that might be a reasonable conclusion.
Complete indifference and downright meanness point in another direction altogether.
He obviously knows how he should be behaving, as he's been making out to his friends that he's thrilled. But he's choosing not to be that way with you. He sounds horrible.

My dp was also a bit disconnected sometimes in pregnancy and I worried about it at the time. He just didnt seem to get it, the bloated feeling the indigestion etc. He bonded brilliantly with our dd but the bond wasnt really instant - its growing more and more now shes talking etc. I do thing some men are like this esp with their first. Apparently my dad was too.
If youre worried about him being a bit disengaged at the birth, why not look into having a doula/birth partner. This is what we did and it was brilliant. Mine was a student doula so it meant we only paid expenses (less than £100).
Hope he steps up soon YANBU

YANBU to feel anxious that he's not supporting you, especially as you're pretty hormonal and feeling unwell. But have you checked how he's feeling? He may be absolutely bricking it. Having talked about having a baby, he's now looking at becoming a dad, just as you're looking at becoming a mum, and the responsibility may be scary for him.

I take Lesser's point about the fact that he's not showing these things, but it's still the case that men are typically socialised to hide their anxiety, not to express it and ask for support. I'm not saying this is categorically definitely the case here, but it's a possibility.

He may be feeling all kinds of unsettling emotions but be trying to conceal them so as not to worry the OP; the fact that the OP has said he's normally very loving and they have a great relationship suggests that he's concealing anxiety, not that he's suddenly metamorphosed into an unfeeling twunt even if he's behaving like one at the moment. So he might just be trying to spare the OP from his worries, and accidentally creating a load of different worries in the process. In other words, behaving with the best of intentions but an outcome that isn't ideal.

I know it's more normal on MN to say 'He's a twunt - tell him to shape up' but I think you should ask him what's up. Given that it's seemed to be a very loving relationship up till now it's only fair to give him the benefit of the doubt. Talk to him, find out what's on his mind that has changed his normally loving and supportive behaviour into this apparently rather unfeeling attitude.

Thanks Cotton - I know it can sometimes take them longer to get their heads around it - I just feel like he's spoiling it (a little brattish of me I know) and I get so jealous of other people saying how excited / protective their dp is. Tbh I'm quite a private person and would rather go alone than employ a doula (but thanks for the suggestion) just wish he was more switched on - hate feeling like this and really want us to be able to share this massive experience positively!

as a result I really try to be the opposite and my friends say I'm a 'keep calm and carry on martyr

Yes. And he would really like you to continue being this way, and will withdraw his loving behaviour (and insult you) if you deviate from the script.

Werewolfe... I do think you have a point, our relationship is usually perfect and we often used to comment on how lucky / happy we were etc. After the first bleed we went to EPAU for an early scan - he came along (cacelled an important meeting etc) but wasn't particularly supportive (read the paper in the waiting room whilst I paced the floor / worried etc) and kept saying 'oh it will be ok'.
However afterwards he did admit that he's been a bit worried but I explained that i'd rather he's been able to share that so I didn't feel alone with my concerns etc. I've begged him to talk about how he feels (usually has no problems - tells me how happy he is / how much he loves me etc)

YANBU. I do think it harder for a man to relate to a pregnancy because they are not going through it.

I wonder if he is putting a barrier up. He doesn't want to accept your pregnant in case anything goes wrong (it won't), like a self protection.

My DH did this when he found out I have a condidtion which can make me very ill. It took me a while to figure it out.

Lesser Have you not heard about people sometimes 'clamming' up when they're worried and anxious?

Not everyone lets their feelings out...particularly if they fear portraying a negative attitude (or what might be percieved as one) to their pregnant partner.

Not everyone deals with these things in the same way.

He probably doesn't know how to express himself. My DH is very similar, and I only have to look at my father in law to see where he gets it from. It doesn't mean that he's not excited about our son, he's just not good at showing that he's excited. Sometimes though it comes in handy. I was having bad cramps a couple of weeks ago and totally panicking and he remained perfectly calm. It wasn't till after we found out everything was fine that he told me he was really worried.

Also, I think when it's the first pregnancy they just don't know how to treat you. I have to tell DH exactly how I'm feeling, otherwise he'd act like it's all normal. I think I prefer that to having someone hover over me treating me like I'm glass (which is what my coworkers do and it drives me nuts!)

Perhaps if you talk about some of your anxieties with him about becoming a parent (not just physical stuff about being pregnant that he can't relate to, stuff about how your lives will change) that might open the door for him to tell you what he feels about it and what he is worried about?

I'll try tonight Kat (if we're on speaking terms) - may be hard to talk about anxieties without sounding 'like my mother' though!

Hi OP, please try not to ket it get to you - I'm 30 wks with my first and my DH has been exactly the same as your DP up until about a couple of weeks ago when I think it finally hit him that this baby was actually going to happen! Up until then I did get upset that he was just carrying on like nothing had changed, expecting us to go out as usual, not really interested in names, baby preparations etc.

On the advice of my mum, I stopped trying to make him talk about the baby all the time and in the last week he has presented me with a list of baby names, I've caught him reading my pregnancy book (and he even asked me a few questions!) and asked if he could come to next MW appt. I'm hoping the antenatal classes starting soon will help him get his head around what to expect in labour, and he does actually seem to be looking forward to them!

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't let it upset u too much as that's not going to help anyone and hang on in there. If you get to 8 months and he's still not interested then I would start to worry...

"Not everyone lets their feelings out...particularly if they fear portraying a negative attitude"
But he isn't just clamming up, and he is portraying a negative attitude.
Anyway whatever the reason/excuse for his behaviour, it's not what the OP needs and wants.

It may not be what the OP needs and wants but there are two parents in this pregnancy.

All I'm saying is not everyone acts the same way if they are worried/nervous.

You think he sounds 'horrible'....I think he sounds like he doesn't know how to outwardly react.

Anyway OP, best of luck with the pregnancy and birth. You say he's an otherwise lovely DH so I'm sure you'll be just fine

I remember being about 20 weeks and not showing and DH getting impatient because I was feeling faint in a crowded, hot and hellish mall in December. He was usually fine - kid-gloves in the early stages and again with a bump. I had to remind him of what exactly was going on with my body and why I didn't have my usual stamina.

That was just the once though.

I hope you get it sorted OP.

You need to talk to him. Go out for dinner or something if you think it would help - sometimes a public environment can help keep things level, and you're free of distractions like the TV etc.

If he is really supportive, he ought to be receptive to this and listen, even if he doesn't feel able to express what he is feeling, he should try to make an effort.

If you are worried about appearing hysterical or over-dramatic, I find it can help to just say something like "I need to talk to you about something. I am feeling emotional and a bit hormonal, so I probably will cry. Please ignore that and focus on what I am saying." (I always feel really paranoid that if I cry, people will think I'm doing it on purpose to manipulate them.) You have to be honest about how you are feeling though, even if you think it might make him feel uncomfortable. You have to get that part out of the way so you can work through it.

If he really is unsupportive, he's not going to become supportive at some later time as if by magic. It's worth talking about it now to find out where he really is with all this.

Thanks Bertie - I'll try tonight - he's so laid back (and in fairness I knew that when we got together) that trying to talk to him about anything important is hard - he's one of these who thinks everything will just work itself out / be ok and doesn't like to talk about things he doesn't see as relevant.

I just want this to be an enjoyable time and not one full of stress and hard feelings. I find it hard to get past the way he was when we first found out and still resent him for it if i'm honest - I don't want to be put off any future pregnancies because of this experience, nor do I want this to overshadow the birth of our first child.

I think YAB a bit U tbh - he is being the same person he has always been from the sound of it and you aren't. You want extra attention- you are in pain, going through a new life changing experience and probably a bit nervous. I think you deserve the extra support, cuddles, symapthy and all of that - i would give it you but I am that way inclined as a person. Where do you expect him to suddenly find this new skill set? If you want this to be an ejoyable time - then just enjoy it, stop hanging on for him to be different.

FWIW it will only overshadow the birth if you let it - you resent him, find a way to move past it. You say he's wonderful and loving but he didn't meet your expectations when you found out - if you decide the first part is most important then let it go.

Thanks for your input DoMeDon - to be honest though I do think he should be giving me the support and this pregnancy was a joint decision so yes - tbh I do think that if the situation (ie me being in pain) dictates that he needs to develop a new skill set then he should at least try. I've had to develop a new skillset to deal with the pain / emotions etc.

It sounds like he is being awful to you. I think its strange he isnt very excited or supportive or you sure he definitely wants children? I would of thought he wouldnt go out and get drunk when you were pregnant if you couldnt come tbh

NorthenGirlie, my DH felt the baby kick for the first time last night, and the sudden change in him was pretty impressive. All of a sudden he's all over my belly and asking questions and had this awed look on his face. It's like he finally realized that our son is actually there! LOL.

My DH didn't know how to react when I was preg - he'd never known anyone who was pregnant, really knew nothing about it!

When I told him I was preg, his reaction was "When's that happening then?"

Then again, you can't stay excited for 40 weeks! My DH needs to know what he needs to do, and really there's not much to do during those 40 weeks. Once DD was born, he played a blinder phoning his and my family, bringing me clean clothes, food, etc., registering the birth, making sure I had a steady stream of visitors as I was in hospital for a full week after the birth.

When DD was a baby he wasn't terribly interested, again because he didn't know what to do. Once we got into a routine he was doing the cooking, laundry, walks with pram and various other things.

Now DD is 9 and the apple of his eye - he loves her more than life itself, and loves spending time with her.

Men often relate differently to babies and children, compared to women. Talk to your DH about your expectations, and accept that he can still be pleased about the pregnancy without showing it the same way as you.

I really feel for you OP. I was in a similar boat to you in that having a child was more DP's idea, although I was delighted once I found out. However I struggled with pregnancy at times & if my DP hadn't been so supportive I would have been really hurt. I coped well a lot of the time, but when I was physically ill or hormonal, he would do his best to bring me treats, magazines, flowers, a pretty maternity top etc. He was very involved & supportive at an EPU visit & the scans, & he was very calm & lovely during my very difficult labour.

I hope you get to the bottom of it & he comes around, because being P can make you feel very vulnerable & you deserve his support now, not later! Personally I would feel it could damage my relationship permanently to some extent - 9 months is a long time to deal with an unsupportive partner & dealing with a newborn is so intense. You shouldn't be worrying he'll be crap when you're in labour - it's really not on. He may well be bricking it, but he should be talking to you about it so you can work on it as a team.