about the amount of support I expect from DP?

[NorthernGirlie]

I'm currently 21 weeks pregnant with our first - and I'm really struggling with my DPs attitude towards it. Not sure if I'm BU or precious...

Been together 3 years (friends for years before that) and sickeningly happy - decided to try for a baby last year (more his idea than mine although I was very keen to be a mummy too - he's always wanted kids and is brilliant with them)- and got bfp in July. I was over the moon and couldn't wait to tell him.

However - I was less than impressed by his reaction - indifferent to the test result / wasn't sure there was a line / happy to wait a week to test again (and was keen for us both to attend a preplanned piss up whilst it was still up in the air). Confirmed pregnancy on morning of planned night out and he still went - he didn't really talk to me about the pregnancy for first couple of weeks and this caused a masive amount of stress - especially as he was telling his friends he was thrilled etc - had to hear it from them which was really hurtful.

Anyway - thought he's come round a bit but he's still not really interested. He comes to the scans but doesn't really seem keen / emotional. Last scan on Friday - i was really worried as hadn't felt the usual flutterings for a few days etc. Tried to share my worries and he told me not to worry / I was turning into my mother fretting about every little thing (I've actually been laid back - only worried about 2 small bleeds).

I'm finding myself trying not to talk to him about the baby as I'm always disappointed by his lack of enthusiasm / interest.

I've had a few problems (although I've tried not to moan) - been on injections for severe swelling / suffering from massively swollen feet since week 10 etc... doc advised getting my DP to massage my feet but he said 'you're joking...'. He never asks how I am and doesn't make any allowances for the fact that I can only walk very slowly at the min 'hurry up,,,' etc

i've begged him to be more supportive / show an interest but he just says i'm on his back again. He's usually so kind / loving etc - I don't know how to be around him - and I feel resentful that he's 'spoiling' what should be a lovely time.
Sorry for the long, long rant - am I expecting too much??

Thanks for all the suggestions and comments. The chat didn't go well - this is the third time I've asked for support / for him to show some interest and he's got 'nothing new' in his words to bring to this. I've decided to leave, for a few days at least, to give us some space. This is possibly the only time I'm going to be pregnant and I don't want the whole experience to be negative. I'm fed up of having to try not to mention the baby to avoid being disappointed with his lack of reaction / interest.

YA possibly BU

If your DP can see that you are worried or fretting, he may well appear very laid back in order to calm you down or reassure you. "Tried to share my worries and he told me not to worry" - you might be mistaking a relaxed approach to one of indifference.

"Confirmed pregnancy on morning of planned night out and he still went" - well why not go out? Did you tell him you shouldn't? Your social life doesn't have to come to a grinding halt (well, not yet anyway...)

"I've had a few problems (although I've tried not to moan)" - maybe that's your issue, a lack of communication.

Northern, I'm so sorry that the chat didn't go well but I think you're doing absolutely the right thing by leaving and getting some space. He's being a selfish manchild and when you say you worry about sounding like your mother and that you're normally the 'keep calm and carry on' type that definitely rang some warning bells.

I bet it suits him just fine to have you never complaining about anything, and when you actually need some support and to talk about any problems he can put you back in your place by saying you sound like your mother, at which point you can quickly backtrack and shut up in order to avoid being identified with her. But you know what? It's OK to have feelings. YOU ARE HAVING A BABY for god's sake, this is a big deal.

I really hope he pulls his finger out and starts behaving like a proper partner instead of a sulky twat.

I'm really sorry to hear that OP. It's sad that another attempt at a chat didn't help. Did you ask him if anything was wrong with how he's feeling too? I think getting some space for a few days is good idea.

Oh & Amateurish, did you miss where the OPs partner told her to "hurry up" when she has swollen feet due to injections, & outright refuses to massage her feet even on GPs advice? (If he hates feet then fair enough, but why not help find an alternative, eg a massage somewhere.)

Oh dear OP.

I hope he sorts himself out

Once you've had a break from him, I'd say this is an important enough issue for you to try and have it out with him in the presence of a third party.

Hi op, I'm in the same boat as you, see my half term day out thread! I'm 23 weeks with number two, there is quite a large six year gap between pregnancies so a lot of the things I have forgotten, so they have hit me just as hard as the first time second time round iyswim?

The baby was very much my idea, I felt we were leaving it too long after dd and practically had to beg him for another baby. He was happy when we found out I was pregnant, but soon the reality of it dawned and it was no longer exciting, just another long haul. I do have a long term chronic kidney illness which although not directly affects the pregnancy, it causes complications like high blood pressure for which I have to be consultant monitored for the duration of the pregnancy.

DH has not been to ONE scan. Not ONE appointment. At 11 weeks the midwife visited my home to book me in, took one look at my blood pressure and wanted me to be admitted to hospital. He wouldn't come home from work, he was "busy".

It seems he is happy for me to be pregnant as long as I behave myself and am glowing at all times, requiring no extra effort from him. As you know, pregnancy rarely progresses that way. As I am starting to look more pregnant, he has started to buy little bits when he is away working and brings them back to show dd which is sweet and he has started on the nursery and fetching things out of the loft. But it's the special care and attention I'm missing just a bit of. A special hug, a little stroke of my tummy, a "how are you, why don't you sit down for a bit" once in a while wouldn't go amiss. He has promised faithfully he will attend the next san, or I have told him he will be in the spare room! ( I have to be scanned every four weeks due to my condition - he is lucky or he would by now have missed all the scans for our second child! )

Hugs to you, hope some space does you good and makes him think xx

Amateur - when I say he tells me not to worry I don't mean he puts an arm around me and says 'don't worry darling, it'll be ok' I mean he says 'stop worrying about everything - you're turning into your mother'. This was twice - after 2 bleeds, I'm not going to him with every little niggle.

the third time was last week - I told him that I was worried as the baby had been wriggling / fluttering regularly for over a week and it had stopped. He said 'it'll be ok' and that was it - no follow up the next day, nothing.

I'm not expecting him to be obsessing over the baby and know he's not going to be permanently excited for 40 weeks - just the odd time would do.

I wonder if being the man is a bit of a red herring here.

I became pregnant at 30 after a year of deliberately not using contraception and after being with my oh for ten years. When I did test I was devastated. Went home very late that night (drinks after work) and cried so much telling oh he thought we were heading for termination. Most if pregnancy I ignored everything. I had two admissions for high blood pressure and for both discharged myself when I thought I was ok, not waiting for drs ok. I worked (commuting) until 41 weeks (yep) and had a difficult labour at 42 weeks. When babe was born did not want to hold him at all. I told oh to cuddle him and every one else to fuck off and leave me alone.

Looking back I can see I had PND afterwards, my son was nearly two before I loved him. I think it is clear that the change in my life occurring caused depression from the moment I did that pregnancy test. Of course being me I refused to seek treatment etc etc. It was so bad that oh came home from work every lunchtime and if he couldn't sent someone else round to check on me and baby.

I now have three children and have been a very contented mum for aong while. I do not have any words of wisdom. I just thought I would tell you. There is every possibility your husband is being a twat but some of what you have written reminded me if how disassociated I felt from pregnancy and babe, how scared I felt and would not (could not) admit it.

O wonder if he can't cope with the idea of you being vulnerable and/or the idea of having to support you. Or he's worried himself but that gets deflected into him feeling slightly irritated because he doesn't wan to be worrying IYSWIM.

Whatever it is, it's not fair on you and he needs to listen to you, and try and explain to you exactly why he's coming off as so uncaring.

Perhaps being a little U? My DH was a bit like this too and I do remember being really pissed off about it at the time. When I look back I think I thought that his whole world would revolve round my pregnancy and of course it didn't but I see that he was just worried that things would be OK. I had massive problems with my hips and felt he was very unsympathetic and felt very sorry for myself.

I'm not saying this is the case with you, but little comments in your OP, like seemingly thinking that he shouldn't have gone to a night out. Why not? You seem to consider it a snub.

If you feel that leaving for a while will help then by all means do that, but perhaps sticking around and working on any communication problems would be better. I really hope it all works out for you all.

NorthernGirlie I still think this could down to a difference in approach. When my OH was pregnant first time, she worried all the time. Usually things were exacerbated by reading horror stories on MN / other sites etc.

My response was always - don't worry, you'll be fine. And - don't believe what you read on the internet! Not because I didn't care but because a) I honestly believed that she would be fine and b) I wanted to be the voice of confidence as a counterpoint to her (sometimes irrational) worrying.

OP, my DP was (and is) VERY similar. One of his favourite phrases in the early days when I asked for extra help was 'pregnancy's not an illness' and implied that it was a feminist stance to assume I could cope and not 'pander' to me .

I think it was hard for him to 'see' that I had changed as physically I wasn't looking any different. He couldn't get his head around the tiredness, for example, at all.

BUT he got much, much better as the prenancy became more 'visible'. He was also reluctant to touch bump etc but this got better as it got bigger. He's quite a logical, scientific person (as am I normally) so I used to quote loads of facts about the baby 'wow, this week baby can do.../has developed...etc' which certainly helped me see the LO as a real person being made rather than a blob yet to be developed!

I also asked him to start taking a 'bump' photo at least once a week. This took a while to get going but he was reminding me by the end! This again let me talk to him about how it looked, what he thought etc. I found that a lot of his 'don't worry, It's fine' comments when (eg) I hadn't noticed movement for a while were really his way of saying 'I HOPE it's fine cos I have NO IDEA what to do if not and if I hope hard enough I'm sure it will be OK'.

DD is now here and 5mo and he is the most besotted person on the planet!

thanks everyone -i am taking on board everyone's comments. With regard to the night out - this baby is something he's apparently desperately wanted for 20 years (his ex partner didn't want children and he struggled to deal with this) and instead of coming home to celebrate / talk he went on a piss up. Not an important dinner / birthday meal but a round the town piss up with people he works with all day. He also expected me to go.

Amateurish - I appreciate what you say but there's a difference between saying 'don't worry - everything will be ok' and offering a hug to telling me to stop worrying as i sound like my Mum.

I want to enjoy and celebrate this time in our lives - I don't want to try to avoid the topic / not talk about our baby simply to avoid disappointment.

When pregnant my oh was excited about scans, wanted to lie with hands in bump etc. I think my overwhelming feeling was that of resentment.

I am not sure what would have helped, although pretty sure leaving me wouldn't have done! I can really see you need a break though. Can you reframe it as a break? Tell him how lonely you feel? Suggest he might feel lost as well? His life is about to change; do you think he is struggling with those changes? Could you tell him you really need him to step up and care?

I am so sorry you feel like this and do sorry he us being so uncaring. The things he is doing and saying are not acceptable. I feel do sorry I ruined things for my oh during our first pregnancy too. Do you have mutual sympathetic friend who can talk to him while you are away? I am normally so against any manipulation but I am not sure what else to suggest.

I think some people worry and some people don't. At 21 weeks there is nothing you or your husband can do to help the baby if things do go wrong so his approach though irritating to you is practical.
In the early weeks I tried to put it to the back of my mind a bit and not be trying to feel movements. In late pregnancy when it's important to recognise problems because you can do something I was more alert to it all.
The injections for swollen feet sound very strange though. Are you in the UK? If your pregnancy is complicated I'd expect him to show some support.
Although he is looking forward to the baby he may be concerned you are having a personality transplant into a woman who only wants to talk about pregnancy and babies. Alot of women get like that. I usually despise pregnancy magazines as being full of stuff you know anyway but couldn't stop reading them when pregnant. My husband said he hated the way I was when pregnant, it was like being married to someone else.

shakti - I just wish he would show some excitement / interest...

"reb - i've tried to be very normal - I'm no princess. we spent some time camping at the start of my pregnancy and, although I found it hard / tiring - I tried not to mention it. I hardly ever talk about it as i end up feeling resentful when he doesn't want to talk about it. The injections were for suspected DVT - my leg and foot swelled up at week 10 / 11 (and have stayed swollen) - I had leg scans etc and had to inject twice a day to thin my blood. DVT ruled out but no explanation given and still painful and swollen.

Sorry love but this man is a prick and at least you've found out now. Sure, he 'wanted children' but what he meant by that was 'I want to demonstrate proof that my penis works properly, however all the work involved in childrearing is women's work, and I will expect my DP to carry on putting me first at all times'.

You won't get any help or consideration for your pregnancy, and you won't get any help or consideration when you have a newborn. He'll be telling you that you've 'let yourself go', stropping for more sex, complaining if the baby wakes him up in the night, and either becoming aggressive or having an affair.
Because your whole relationship has been based on putting him first and letting him have his way all the time. He's 'lovely' as long as he's being indulged and serviced, but not interested in looking after or supporting you.

Why do people get so irate about this on Internet forums? Why is it anyone else's business what or how anyone feeds their own baby?!

Haven't read all the posts but my DH was a bit like yours when I was expecting our first. He didn't go out on the piss but he was completely disinterested. Didn't want to talk about it, said it was "boring".

When DD was born he absolutely doted on her. She is 25 now and I can honestly say she is (and always has been) the light of his life. He just couldn't get interested in the pregnancy.

He was actually much better for the next 4

I agree with Solid.

He actually sounds shit scared to me.

Can you talk to your mutual friends... sounds like he's been showing excitement to them, but is cutting you off. Could be out of absolute terror.

I don't usually condone involving friends, I prefer to sort things out woman to man, but if he's always been a brilliant partner, and if he's telling his mates he's happy, and if he's withdrawn from your world completely it does sound like he's not 'just an arsehole' rather, completely in the grip of absolute confusion and fear.

Whatever the reason its not acceptable though, and something has to give.

It was my DH's female childless best friend who talked some sense into my DH. It wasn't exactly the same circumstances but we were in an unbreakable loop of not hearing each other, all he heard off me was 'Raraaga raragggh RARGH...' all I heard off him was well, silence! Sometimes it helps to have help.

I think it's very sad you are taking time apart. I understand you need it and want it, that makes it the right thing for you obviously, but I feel it will add to your burden of negative things to move past.

What are your attitudes to relationships? Does one of you having a fear what you have may not last? It seems that you are both doing things which are unintentionally pushing each other away. I am not surprised he has nothing else to add really. I don;t think he is hearing you or understanding where you are coming from.

I agree it would be the 'right' thing for him to develop a new skill set. Realistically though, where will he find it? You can physically feel the changes, it is all happening to you. He can't, he is struggling to see why you are acting differently.

I know that is all unfair on you, I sympathise, I had a similar experience in pregnancy. Maybe you need to decide if 'men are shits' or if mean are people with feelings who struggle to cope differnelt for a host of reasons. You can give him short shrift, expect more than he can give and move on, or you can offer him love, compassion and understading without limits and see what/if he gives anything back. Be yourself, talk about the pg whenever you wish. Don't allow yourself to be hurt by his seeming lack of interest, assume he IS interested and overjoyed but just showing it differently.