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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So........is it socially unacceptable to have more than two children these days?

178 replies

electra · 24/10/2011 12:15

I have three. I have one friend in particular who has regularly makes snippy comments about how many more am I going to push out.

Recently I took dd3 to the GP and dd2 was with us. The GP is one I have known for years but have not seen for a while. She looked at dd3, looked at dd2 and back again. And then looked at me and said

'So....how many have you got now??

Do the rest of you encounter this? Is it worse if you're a lone parent perhaps?!

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 12/12/2016 17:19

Yy, LydiaW - I've seen larger families as some sort of status symbols too (we call them CATs - Children As Trophies), in very well-heeled parts of London in particular.

In fact, the only families I know with more than two young children are either very wealthy or benefit dependent. I think the cost of living - and the cost of living with children especially - means that if you want more than two you have to fall into one of these groups to afford them.

Crumbs1 · 12/12/2016 17:20

I have six. We usually got gently amused benevolent comments and lots of reduced prices. Never really had negative comments apart from the odd 'witty' remark about electric blankets. Is it antisocial? Clearly I am going to say no, it could not be more social. Imagine how many friends our house was full of, how many lovely friends parents we got to know and how many people chat when you have six kids who look alike in tow.
Seriously, I have never claimed any benefits, no child tax credits, no child benefit in a long while, no housing benefit, no free school meals. Nothing.
Will we use slightly more resources? Possibly a little. I think this is balanced against the need for a sizeable bright younger generation to provide for an ageing society. To that end I have two doctors, one army officer, a research geneticist, a teacher and a student. They earn their rightful place in the world.

BoffinMum · 12/12/2016 17:23

In Germany they have special holiday apartments in a lot of the family hotels for larger families. It's a bit more accepted over there, I think. They are probably relieved given that the birthrate is on the floor, grateful some people bother to reproduce.

fakenamefornow · 12/12/2016 17:24

I have three and have never had a comment like that.

I do agree though that's it's not the most responsible, for the environment, to have more than two.

Mrskeats · 12/12/2016 17:25

I have a friend with 4. They live in chaos all the time. However, they were like that with 2. As others have said I think it massively depends on the parents and their ability to juggle things and be organised.

BoffinMum · 12/12/2016 17:28

I've got four and the only chaos here is DC2's bedroom.

JackShit · 12/12/2016 17:33

Every child will grow up to want houses, white goods, cars, foreign travel etc. It's a bit off to have 4,5,6 imo. Not good for the environment in any way, although I realise most if you will disagree.

1DAD2KIDS · 12/12/2016 17:38

No, but surly its a bloody pain? The world is set up for the nuclear family. Most people have a three bed house. Most normal cars don't really have the space for more that two car seats fitted properly. Once you get passed so many kids you need to start making special arrangments. Personally I wouldn't enjoy going out anywhere busy with more than 2 kids. But totally up to you. As long as you earn enough and can afford them and have to time/resources to give them all the attention they need then why not?

GreenShadow · 12/12/2016 17:41

I felt dreadfully guilty when we went on to have 3DC and had to justify it to myself (not to anyone else) by thinking that of all my and DH siblings, only 2 out of 5 went on to have any children, so we were 'sharing' their quota. Silly really, but yes, I do still occasionally feel I should have stuck at 2

MuseumOfCurry · 12/12/2016 17:42

It's absolutely a status symbol in Central London particularly when they can pay 4 or 5 sets of school feels and buy a 6 bedroom house.

Given the state of the planet, I think it's beyond unacceptable but I'd never be so rude as to make a comment. Some of my closest friends have 3, it's not really that unusual.

GrumpyDullard · 12/12/2016 17:44

When I announced I was pg with DC2, a friend said "Didn't you love DC1 enough?" He said it "jokingly" but I knew he sort of meant it too because they'd make a very conscious decision to stop at 1.

As a fairly recent mum of 3, I have had quite a few "How many have you got NOW?!" comments but they really don't bother me - on the contrary, I feel irrationally proud of having a bunch of kids.

Baylisiana · 12/12/2016 17:44

I don't understand why people would feel guilty having a larger family. I can see problems with continuing to enlarge your family whilst unable to afford it, but that aside it seems a good thing. We are an ageing population and it is causing problems, we desperately need to balance out the population and if people don,t have more children we will have to address it through immigration anyway.

MuseumOfCurry · 12/12/2016 17:46

We are an ageing population and it is causing problems, we desperately need to balance out the population and if people don,t have more children we will have to address it through immigration anyway.

A top-heavy ageing population is a problem, agreed. It's not nearly as big a problem as water, food and energy shortages, civil wars, etc.

Manumission · 12/12/2016 17:47

Today 16:44 GreatAuntMary

“Looking across the world at present it is obvious to anybody with even slight biological knowledge that human numbers are out of balance.”
— Aubrey Manning OBE FRSE FIBiol, Emeritus Professor of Natural History, University of Edinburgh & Population Matters patron

That is the most unusual zombie resurrection post Ive ever seen Grin

AndNowItsSeven · 12/12/2016 17:58

1dad we have a nine seater it can be driven with a car license and fits seven car seats. It was purchased for a showroom the same as any other vehicle.
Our house is four bed , with two reception rooms and a large rear garden and a front drive. Plenty big enough for our 7dc.
We have made no " special arrangements ".

AndNowItsSeven · 12/12/2016 17:59
  • from a.
1DAD2KIDS · 12/12/2016 17:59

I always wonder with the large family is you can give all the kids the attention they deserve. After an infant and/or toddler needs so much attention. Then maybe have older kids who just want some quality play time with you everyday. Maybe some kids need help with their homework or simply time to talk to you. There is only so many hours of the day. Surly once you get to a certain number of kids you have to neglect valuable time with some to take care of the younger ones. I often wonder if the older kids start feeling somewhat replaced by the younger ones as their parents time is further divided and their parents have less time for them?

My granddad was 1 of 13. His mum only had so many kids because she needed them all to work the farm. Cant imagine he felt very special. He was massively intelligent, but his parents didn't care as they had all the other kids to raise so as one of the older ones he was left to his own devises and expected to help raise the others. He didn't have much of a life as a kid. His teacher knew he was clever, organised a scholarship and even offered to pay for his uniform at this top school. His teacher was bent over backwards to get him into a top School and see him achieve what he was capable of. His mum said no because he was needed to help raise the others.

Juanbablo · 12/12/2016 17:59

The other day someone said "you're the one who keeps having more!" When we were talking about how it's hard juggling all their needs. I only have 3 children, I'm hardly Mrs Duggar!

A lot of my friends have 3 and some even have 4. It's not that unusual where we live.

1DAD2KIDS · 12/12/2016 18:06

AndNowItsSeven just saying the world is generally not configured for larger families, not that it cant be done. For example how many 9 seaters can you chose from within a 20 mile radius on autotrader compared to 5 seater family cars? Plus although not a necessity for me I would like every kid to have their own bedroom. Having that truly personal space is important to me.

Each to their own. If you can afford it including the time for each one why not? But it would be for me. Two for me is ideal even before I was a single parent.

Footinmouthasusual · 12/12/2016 18:09

Don't know about socially acceptable but some days with my 4 it's fucking over rated Grin

1DAD2KIDS · 12/12/2016 18:11

I can imagine

GreatFuckability · 12/12/2016 18:12

I have 3, when they were all small, people often used to ask if they were all mine or if they had the same dad Hmm because they look very different, but not so much now they are older.

balence49 · 12/12/2016 18:12

I know a few larger families. Most I'm benefits, one who isn't.
The children do miss out in my opinion. As the children in the families I know are getting older it's obvious that many many of them wish they had more time, space, less kids!

Some that grew up at the same time as me nearby. A family of 6 kids and one of 4. Not one of them has gone on to have kids yet. That's 9 grown adults that will all be over 30. Their parents wrack their brains as to when the grandchildren will arrive...

Garion · 12/12/2016 18:13

Have a grown 18 and 21 year old, musing a third. Age is the main concern (39)

balence49 · 12/12/2016 18:13

Not 9 10 even!