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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So........is it socially unacceptable to have more than two children these days?

178 replies

electra · 24/10/2011 12:15

I have three. I have one friend in particular who has regularly makes snippy comments about how many more am I going to push out.

Recently I took dd3 to the GP and dd2 was with us. The GP is one I have known for years but have not seen for a while. She looked at dd3, looked at dd2 and back again. And then looked at me and said

'So....how many have you got now??

Do the rest of you encounter this? Is it worse if you're a lone parent perhaps?!

OP posts:
harassedandherbug · 24/10/2011 12:54

I'm pregnant with my 4th and have had a few comments. Mainly along the lines of is this def the last one, how many now etc etc.....

I have big gaps though (22, 20, 5 and due at Christmas) so effectively it's 2 and 2, plus I also have a 12yr old dsd.

Seeing as both dh and I work hard and earn reasonable money I don't see the problem. It's generally other people's problem with their judgey pants.

maypole1 · 24/10/2011 13:05

If your on benefits yes

Slacking9to5 · 24/10/2011 13:11

Providing you can feed and clothe them without relying on the taxpayer, it's up to you.

Original poster
electra · 24/10/2011 13:16

maypole - what if you had children together in a working family and then you split up? You can't exactly send them back can you?

OP posts:
Slacking9to5 · 24/10/2011 13:18

That's different. It's not intentionally having children when you have no means of supporting them.

Scholes34 · 24/10/2011 13:28

We have three. Can't afford expensive holidays at half-term, but had a great time yesterday on a 24 mile cycle ride with a picnic. Hopefully, one day, they will be working hard to keep the economy ticking over to support our pensions.

Mishy1234 · 24/10/2011 13:48

I don't think so. In fact, I know far more people who have 3 children than 2.

We would definitely have another if we could afford it, but it would really narrow down the choices we could make for our two.

HappyMummyOfOne · 24/10/2011 14:00

As long as you can support them on your income and the state is not expected to pay then its down to the individual. Most large familes i've known have relied on tax credits/child benefit which is simply wrong but most friends have just one or two as thats all they can afford to support without help.

I do think that having more than one means less time with each and means other children may miss out or have to do activities etc that they may not want to.

TheTenantOfWildfellHall · 24/10/2011 14:00

Is it worse if you're a lone parent perhaps?!

Perhaps this is because people are generally surprised by immaculate conception?

I was a LP for a couple of years and I think if I'd managed to pop a few more out, whilst being a lone parent, people might have been justified in being a little Confused!

zukiecat · 24/10/2011 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bachsingingmum · 24/10/2011 14:03

There is an organisation called Population Matters of which Sir David Attenborough is patron. It publicises and researches the impact of population growth and concludes that if the human race continues to grow significantly the Earth will not be able to sustain us. That's not to say that we will die out, but there would be widespread starvation. They say that the biggest single thing that we can do for environmental sustainability (much greater than recycling or not flying abroad on holiday) is to limit our families to 2 or fewer children. I don't know how sound the science is, but worth a read on their website if you are thinking about having a third. It rang true to me.

PinotScreechio · 24/10/2011 14:03

I have three and I get alot of "ooh you have your hands full" and "you don't watch telly then". ha ha fucking ha.

I just ignore it as they're twats

My fanjo is now closed for businnes though

Want2bSupermum · 24/10/2011 14:14

When I answered my obn's question about # of children we desire she had a worried look on her face. I told her that DH is Danish and I have taken it upon myself to increase their population of the next generation by 3!

I have one but would like 4! Goodness knows why but I have always wanted 4 children and I have continued working after the 1st so I can get the experience I need to set myself up at home with my own business. Luckily DH is on board for 4. We even bought a home and car to accomodate our brood!

Many of our friends are 1 and done but out in the burbs we know of a lot of larger families. We are 30min south of NYC and 3-4 kids is much more common compared to the UK. I even know of families with 5+ children - all within the same marriage and supported by the DH working like a beast.

quirrelquarrel · 24/10/2011 14:20

Seeing as though the planet is about to pop, there are some who would find your having three babies very selfish. For people who have 5+, maybe even extraordinarily so. And so then socially unacceptable, if that's the way you want to call it.

And SO MANY parents should not be parents!

jandanaligazan · 24/10/2011 14:29

In some countries, just having two children is not socially acceptable and such women are pitied by their peers. Women only seem to get social recognition with 6, 7 or 8 children. If their husband becomes impotent they can even demand that someone else impregnates them! Have a look;

pregnancyandchildbirtharoundtheworld.blogspot.com/2011/10/pregnant-or-breastfeeding-for-30-years.html

RefereezaWanka · 24/10/2011 14:30

I've got two and to be honest, it seems to be the norm among my social circle to be going for a third. We are stopping at two, but I can't imagine why people get so judgey about the matter.

brianmayshair · 24/10/2011 14:33

I'm having dc3 and can't believe how many people have commented that my dh will have to have the snip nowHmm, i fing mostly people with 2 dc. One of my colleagues has 4 dc and is keen to have dc 5, people seem to be horrified.

mumofthreekids · 24/10/2011 14:37

In this country (not worldwide) we need MORE children to support our ageing population. So well done OP for doing your bit for the UK economy!

sickofhideousneighbours · 24/10/2011 14:40

We had bitchy comments after no.4 but both DH and I work in places full of very right on people, I work with a guy who says he and his wife have made the noble decision to not have kids as the planet is overcrowded (true) but I think they just don't want them and are trying to make themselves sound better. My DH mentioned somethign at work after no.4 about people leaving lights on and was told, you can't talk, you've just had your fourth kid.

I don't think anyone can deny that having lots of children is bad for the planet - we are on course to hit 7 billion population over the next few months, and as a planet we can't feed and support all of those people. However, once you're pregnant or have had the children it's just rude to comment as it's not exactly something you can reverse!

4madboys · 24/10/2011 14:42

"I even know of families with 5+ children - all within the same marriage and supported by the DH working like a beast."

yes that would be like us, all 5 kids with one partner, he works i am a sahm parent and yes he works hard to support us, its our choice and we are happy with it.

most people i know have 2 or 3, but i know some families of 4 and one more of 5.

i dont question people who only have one or two children, so dont see why they should question me, its each to their own imo.

architien · 24/10/2011 15:00

I'd like more. I'm 32 and have a two year old and a 5 month old. I gave up my career to be a Family Manager/Housewife/ SAHM or whatever is the term these days :)
We're poorer financially and my ego took a bashing with others giving me their "advice" but we feel this set up works best for us. Husband goes to work full time I do all the childcare and house managing type things although he'll pitch in when at home. Now if you had told me ten years ago that I would have come to this decision I would have laughed and not believed you!
Now I've got one girl and one boy both my family and his family are both saying "you'll stop now wont you". Why? We can afford to raise our children, we've got room and resource. What is this obsession with limiting life rather than looking at what is truly responsible. I mean who is going to be working to pay our pensions and do all the jobs when we're old if we don't at least replace the number of people we have by one in one out (I.e. at least one child per adult in household)? Given that there are a fair few folk who will choose to not have children or have 1 child (and of course that's fine too) I don't see why people would want to limit life for families who wish to responsibly birth and bring up children? It's a damn hard job too.

Dirtydishesmakemesad · 24/10/2011 16:42

I will have dc5 soon and in real life have never had anything but positive comments really. The ony place i have had negative and rude comments is actually very occasionally in mumsnet which i suppoose with its wider range of people is bound to throw up some with strong views.

HalfTermHero · 24/10/2011 16:47

I have 3. Not had any comments (other than positive -e.g, lucky you, I would love to have another etc).

LineRunnerIsBuriedAlive · 24/10/2011 16:54

I think you have an odd friend and an odd GP, tbh, OP!

WRT other posts, the earth cannot sustain the lifestyles of the western world, and increasingly the developing world, including of course the lifestyles of many people who enjoy griping about the poor having access to a welfare state and the freedom to be fertile.

quietlyafraid · 24/10/2011 17:07

Frankly, anyone who does not find the "perfect" stereotype of 2 kids, birthed naturally, breastfeed, etc etc is fair game.

And usually from women.

Feminism is going backwards not forwards due to bitchiness and women trying to get others to conform to their ideal of life.

Get new friends. If they can't accept your choices in life without putting the knife in, you are better off without them. If its not this, it will be something else.