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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So........is it socially unacceptable to have more than two children these days?

178 replies

electra · 24/10/2011 12:15

I have three. I have one friend in particular who has regularly makes snippy comments about how many more am I going to push out.

Recently I took dd3 to the GP and dd2 was with us. The GP is one I have known for years but have not seen for a while. She looked at dd3, looked at dd2 and back again. And then looked at me and said

'So....how many have you got now??

Do the rest of you encounter this? Is it worse if you're a lone parent perhaps?!

OP posts:
PrincessTamTam · 24/10/2011 17:13

I have 4 - all boys and I get more comments about their gender than the number. I could take this as rude (and when I am hormonal I do tbh Grin) but mostly I chose not to.

People should mind their own IMO - yes the population of the world is increasing dangerously, but, in Western Europe we are also living longer and need more children here to grow up to pay taxes that will sustain the ageing population. Swings and roundabouts.

PrincessTamTam · 24/10/2011 17:15

Sorry mumof3kids, just repeated your point! We are obviously both right. Grin

KnitterNotTwitter · 24/10/2011 17:24

When DH and I were talking about having a family he said he wanted 7... Sadly I suspect that time is against us but we're going to keep going and have as big a family as we can...financially, mentally, emotionally. Whether that is 1 or 7... I know that many people will think this is a socially irresponsible thing to do but to be honest, at the moment, I don't care so [raspberry]

lottielou39 · 24/10/2011 17:24

I'm expecting our third child in a few weeks, and already have had numerous rude questions about it- 'is your husband having a vasectomy now?, was it planned?, will you be buying a minibus now? etc.. and 'do you want a boy'? (we have two girls and are expecting a third girl)
We both work and I've also got the option of going back down the SAHM route when this one is born (if childcare for 3 proves too tiring/costly)cos my husband earns enough to look after us all.
The older I get (38) the more I realise that judgmental people are everywhere in life. We just need to learn to ignore them. If they're not judging us, they're judging some other poor soul.

architien · 24/10/2011 17:34

Lottie I think you're a hero to your children :) a real inspiration. You speak so much sense.

SinisterBuggyMonth · 24/10/2011 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottielou39 · 24/10/2011 17:54

Thanks Architien! (if you meant me!)

MrsFruitcake · 24/10/2011 18:02

I have 2, would love another one but can't afford it so that's it for me.

If you can afford 3, and care for them all properly etc, then that is fine. It isn't up to anyone else.

I had it the other way - there's almost five years between my DCs, and I got asked all the time when I was having another, and told I was selfish for making my DD be an only child! It was just a case of wanting to make the most of the time I had with her as a baby/small DC, and we had another baby when we felt ready, not when everyone else felt I should be!

ZZZenAgain · 24/10/2011 18:06

to me 3 dc is not an excessively big family.

ZZZenAgain · 24/10/2011 18:07

I can't see what business it is of the GP and if it was said to you the way it came across to me reading your OP, the GP was very rude.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/10/2011 18:09

YABU... if you want some really thoughtless remarks, questioning everything from your child's future mental capacity to your own selfishness, trying just having one :)

Chestnutx3 · 24/10/2011 18:31

As long as you can afford it and don't post on here why you can't afford to go back to work because of childcare costs but you need the money/mental stimulation then you are fine.

I would have loved a 3rd maybe even a 4th, if I was younger and richer - although I'm sure many would think I can afford it, I wouldn't want me and my existing kids to forgo holidays etc.. to have more siblings - each to their own.

slapmeonthepatio · 24/10/2011 19:34

Yep - I have 4 and the looks I got when I was out with them and when I was pregnant with number 4 were amazing. People would look at the three of them look at me, look back at the kids and you could tell they were being judgemental. In contrast, I left the three of them at home while I visited a friend. People were so nice to me because I was pregnant, chatting, offering me seats etc because they were assumed my bump was my first.

Andrewofgg · 24/10/2011 19:40

The people with none say that they are saving the environment. The people with lots say that their DC will pay our pensions.

Sod 'em all. Up to couples.

NorfolkNCovern · 24/10/2011 19:41

TBH unless you are in Duggar territory who gives a flying fuck how many DC you have?

We have 1, likely to stay that way but not for any noble reason, more that pregnancy was hell for me, had multiple m/c and we are a happy family of 3.

Stateofplay · 24/10/2011 19:50

The world's population is due to hit 7 billion this week. However birth rate is falling almost universally, or soon will.

I was speaking to someone from Chad who works in the emerging Government there (very poor country emerging from years of armed conflict and Darfur). He said the birth rate used to be 16! 16 children per woman! But now families want quality rather than quantity, and there is more chance that just having 2 or 3 children will result in one of them being able to provide for the parents later on in life. (This isn't the case for rural families who need children to work on the family land).

Anyway, what with the birth rate falling in Italy to 1, and Spain I think too, in fact I think the birth rate is falling all over Europe, OP your three children is not tipping the balance.

So go for your life, YANBU and those comments you had were quite strange.

SweatTart · 24/10/2011 19:51

I have 3 DCs and feel I have experienced this. And reading some of the posts last night, it has made me realise I CAN'T have more. I've been feeling really broody but I'm ignoring my hormones!

And i never liked DP saying "SweatTart's pregnant again"

I never liked the "again". I can't really put into words why. It just really f'cking BUGGED me.

IneedAbetterNickname · 24/10/2011 19:59

Havent read whole thread, so sorry if I repeat anything! But, I have 2, (both boys) and I hear, fairly often, "so when you gonna have another one then ?" or "bet your desperate for a girl". The answers are, maybe never, DP and I have just got back together, he doesnt know if he wants anymore. And no I'm not, as nice as a DD would be, it's not the be all and end all of my life!!

sheepgomeep · 24/10/2011 20:03

I've had a lot of negative comments about having four children especially now I am a single mum.

Maypole my four children were born when me and now exes were all working and not on benefits. Shall I sell the four of them now as I am now on benefits (although still work p/t) hmmm.

Ok ok I know that point I've just made has already been raised but people still look at my family and think benefit scrounger without knowing my circumstances and it rankles much

RosemaryandThyme · 24/10/2011 20:07

I have three and yes have had a lot of comments from people with smaller families, mainly from financial / coping point of view.
It can get to you, but better to make it a motivator to be the very best mum you can be, to give yourself a pat on the back when your three are kind and friendly, when parents' evenings go well, when you make it through a tough day without shouting, when your children sit in a theatre or restaurant without climbing under tables or kicking the backs of other peoples seats...
People may think you need "help" and will often be surprised that the best of times are when its just mum and three children, being together.

ENormaSnob · 24/10/2011 20:24

I have 3 and the only comments I get are that I don't look old enough Wink

we are contemplating 4 but it will depend on finances etc.

MrsCampbellBlack · 24/10/2011 20:32

When I was pregnant with dc3 my female GP commented:

  • gosh you're banging them out aren't you, swiftly followed by
  • and what does your husband do for a living?

I thought I'd been transported back to the 1950's Wink

I don't get negative comments generally just the usual 'oh you've got your hands full' etc.

But I know an awful lot of people with 3 children.

Bonsoir · 24/10/2011 20:38

In France, four is the socially desirable number of children and a very well-recognised status symbol.

Three is not-really-trying-hard-enough (you need to come up with an excuse).

Two is for dual career couples (preferably with a lot of international travel) with no family help.

One child is definitely a sign of failure to conceive.

ENormaSnob · 24/10/2011 20:39

3 is the new 2.

afteralongsquawk · 24/10/2011 22:55

My brother has 8 and he says he has only ever had one negative comment - that was in a job interview, so he walked out.

He says the questions he is asked most are "Are they all yours?" (Yes, he thinks), "Are they all with the same woman?" (Yes, he knows) & "Do they all have the same baby-mother?" (only ever asked by the kids he works with from a large estate - not the Downton type).