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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to contribute to this leaving gift?

46 replies

JosieRosie · 24/10/2011 12:09

I have been involved in managing and supervising someone at work who has been performance managed for the past 2 years. This person has not taken the process seriously, has consistently failed to do what was asked of them, has shown no willingness or capacity to change despite absolutely loads of support and has narrowly missed a disciplinary by the skin of their teeth. Anyway, this person has managed to get a new job and will be leaving soon. The whole situation has got me down very badly, I've been in tears several times going to work in the morning and I feel resentful towards this person and am glad to see the back of them.
A couple of my managerial colleagues want to get her flowers or similar - I think this is way OTT and not a little hypocritical, since they have been rather scathing about her behind her back and are chuffed to be rid of her. I would be in favour of getting her a good luck card but am really not interested in organising or contributing to any kind of gift. AIBU to stand my ground on this?

OP posts:
Bossybritches22 · 24/10/2011 12:11

YANBU

Sign the card if they want to get flowers fine .She won't know who paid for them, & if she is told so what?

Breathe....she's going!

marriedinwhite · 24/10/2011 12:13

Just put in a pound or two and smile graciously. If this person has been performance managed she may bear all sorts of grudges against the organisation and may have been invited to go for all you know. If colleagues don't treat her the same way on departure as other collegues have been treated you are opening up the risk of a discrimination or harassment claim of some sort. She's going, celebrate, put a small amount and spend what you would otherwise have put in on yourself.

MsWetherwax · 24/10/2011 12:16

I don't understand why this persons new job has got you down so badly that you've been in tears? It can't be because you're going to miss her, you're glad to see the back of her. Is it therefore the green eyed monster in you, or do you feel disappointed that you didn't get to sack her? Either way, if you don't feel you want to get her a leaving gift, don't, I doubt she'll care either way, she's probably just grateful to be leaving you and your resentment behind!

RosiethePriveter · 24/10/2011 12:16

YANBU

Been through similar myself in terms of having to performance manage someone only to have them jump right before they were pushed. However, it sometimes doesn't put you in a very good light with other managers and might be 'remembered' during your appraisal or whatever sometime. Maybe a very token amount to show you can rise above it all (as mentioned, the person i question wont know) However, much sympathy, its very very galling.

didldidi · 24/10/2011 12:16

You're so lucky! I'm in the same boat but can't get rid of mine.

RosiethePriveter · 24/10/2011 12:18

MsWetherwax - I can well belive the OPs tears. The performance management process can be properly draining, especially if you have someone difficult. Not only is it a huge increase in your workload but its a real test of how you deal with your emotions when confronted. Dealing with that every day at work is tiring.

Original poster
JosieRosie · 24/10/2011 12:20

'I don't understand why this persons new job has got you down so badly that you've been in tears?'

Obviously phrased that badly - have been in tears when there was no end in sight and performance managing this person was making me want to top myself! I'm thrilled the end is in sight.

'Either way, if you don't feel you want to get her a leaving gift, don't, I doubt she'll care either way, she's probably just grateful to be leaving you and your resentment behind! - what a sensitive post, thanks a lot. Try reading and thinking before replying next time Hmm

didl, good luck with yours, it is so exhausting

OP posts:
Original poster
JosieRosie · 24/10/2011 12:21

Thank you Rosie - good name by the way!

OP posts:
senua · 24/10/2011 12:23

The Leaver won't know who put money in the kitty or not; nor how much. But the person doing the collecting will, so try to appear reasonable.

Put in a token amount. Don't think about now when you are stressed. Think about six months' time when she will be history and you won't care any more.

MsWetherwax · 24/10/2011 12:25

I realise that Rosie, I have performance managed in the past (although 2 years seems a bit log winded!?) But from OP's wording I assumed it was the new job that was the problem, not the process? Either way, just don't contribute. Or buy her a good luck card just from yourself if you're worried about appearances.

spiderpig8 · 24/10/2011 12:26

Worth a few pounds to see the back of her Smile.
seriously though, don't put in if you don't want.Problem solved.

altinkum · 24/10/2011 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzynavel · 24/10/2011 12:27

YANBU

But agree with Rosie and do the rise above it thing.

In a few months time you will be glad you did.

altinkum · 24/10/2011 12:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsWetherwax · 24/10/2011 12:33

I wasn't trying to offend you OP, but from the way you worded I thought you were saying her new job had reduced you to tears. I do however think that maybe you'd be better in a new job or one with less responsibility if you are so stressed with performance management that you are reduced to tears and feeling suicidal. It isn't a fun process, but it shouldn't have you feeling like this. Is there an HR dept or a manager you can speak to? No job is worth getting that stressed about, I believe in working to live, not living to work. but then I am lazy at heart

porcamiseria · 24/10/2011 12:34

sing "ding dong the witch is dead" a few times

but yeah fuck her, card only

Original poster
JosieRosie · 24/10/2011 12:35

altinkum, obviously I can't go into loads of details about the situation here but I did say in my OP that she didn't take the process seriously and consistently failed to do what was asked of her, so making me out to be some kind of dictator is a bit heavy-handed.

Thanks all for your thoughts. I'm planning to sign the card but not contribute to any leaving gifts at all. The hypocrisy of it will stick in my craw too much

OP posts:
SharrieTBGinzatome · 24/10/2011 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Pagwatch · 24/10/2011 12:40

I had this once.
I contributed to the gift so that those who wanted to wish her well were able to do so. And I looked disinterested and not vindictive to my collegues. But I refused to sign the card unless they let me write 'and good riddance'. They didn't Grin

Best of both worlds - no gossip or grogginess from the rest of the team but didn't sign any sentiments I didn't feel

BoffinMum · 24/10/2011 12:41

YANBU
But probably diplomatic to grit teeth and put a quid in.
Being a boss means occasionally overriding one's sense that one is being hypocritical.

holyShmoley · 24/10/2011 12:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JosieRosie · 24/10/2011 12:49

It did drag on for waaaay too long holyShmoley. Which is a big part of the reason it's been getting me down so badly! Smile

OP posts:
nenevomito · 24/10/2011 12:54

Can very, very much sympathise as I was in this position not so long ago. The only difference being that they jumped the day before they were going to be pushed.

I was so happy to see them go that yes, I signed the card, put in for the leaving present and wished them happily on their way, safe in the knowledge that I was never going to have to manage them again.

I was tempted not to contribute at first, but sometimes being the bigger person is satisfying. I celebrated their departure at home that night with a bottle of champagne.

PicaK · 24/10/2011 12:56

I too had this. The tears, the stress etc.

Grit your teeth and organise the leaving flowers. It'll be like sucking lemons I know - but honestly as the years roll by I'm really happy to think that I was nice when I could have gone down the mean and petty (albeit totally justified) route.

People notice this stuff.

Honestly, grit your teeth and do it.

senua · 24/10/2011 12:58

I'm dying to know: who wrote the reference that ensured that she got the new job? Was it you or HR?