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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about my xh having the kids for xmas??

98 replies

StaceymAloneForver · 24/10/2011 09:41

Me and xh broke up 3 years ago and the arrangement has always been that they stay here xmas eve, then go to him at 4pm on xmas day. This year he has suddenly said he wants to have the dc's for xmas eve, and he said it in front of them, dd wanted to go to him, and ds wanted to stay here, which i was kinda ok with.

Now xh has put pressure on ds (5) and he's really confused about what he wants and he doesnt want to upset anyone and it's all got really complicated. I've ended up saying to ds that he should go to his dads with his sister as i don't want to confuse/upset him any further.

I jsut can't help feeling upset that my kids aren't going to be with me at xmas......AIBU??

OP posts:
worraliberty · 24/10/2011 09:44

YANBU

It's always difficult for the kids of separated parents at that time of year if the parents can't agree to arrangements.

Your Ex shouldn't have mentioned it in front of the kids though, that was pretty low really Sad

KatAndKit · 24/10/2011 09:51

He shouldn't have mentioned it in front of them before he discussed it with you, that is a very low tactic to use.

Of course you have the right to be upset, but it isn't fair that you get every xmas and he gets none. In an ideal world you would take it in turns and have alternate years. That is the fairest way.

Original poster
StaceymAloneForver · 24/10/2011 09:55

but he has seen them every xmas just in the afternoon and for all of boxing day. ds was in tears yesterday because daddy wanted him there but he wanted to be here and he didn't want to upset anybody :(

he's also got them for both of their birthdays this year (dd's was saturday and i didn't see her as she was at his house, and ds's is in 2 weeks same situation) he wouldn't let me see them even though when i have them for their birthdays i let him see them.

Sorry just feeling a bit hard done by this year i think.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 24/10/2011 09:59

The way contact is arranged for us is that the children spend special ocassions/holidays with the parent who's contact day it is anyway, I don't go out of my way to split the holidays in anyway. However ex is a twat and doesn't do anything special for the children on special ocassions and holidays.

As it's so important to you can you split holidays so you alternate each year now? You will get to see them on Christmas just a bit later on christmas day, make sure you're with friends and family for the day and spread celebrations out so you have a fantastic boxing day with the children too.

If your ex is a good dad try not to let this cause you too much upset. But do email him and tell him in future it would be better if you discussed contact arranagements in private away from the children as it is not nice for the children to be put in a position where they feel they have to choose between their parents, both of whom they love dearly.

Original poster
StaceymAloneForver · 24/10/2011 10:23

good dad........debatable but he sees them regularily so i cant complain too much.

now ds is crying because he really wants to be here :( oh i can't win, hate having him upset :(

OP posts:
TechnoViking · 24/10/2011 10:25

The way he did it is a bit off, but generally it sounds like you have a good arrangement.

When I requested seeing my daughter every other xmas, the judge told me I was selfish.

squeakyfreakytoy · 24/10/2011 10:28

Is your ds worried perhaps that Father Christmas will not know where he is? You could reassure him that this year Father Christmas is deliving presents to Daddys house, and that is why you thought he might want to go there instead.

It must be hard but both parents deserve a turn at having their child on Xmas Eve and Xmas day morning..

Dozer · 24/10/2011 10:29

Taking turns is fairest.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/10/2011 10:29

OP... For the sake of your son, you're going to have to pull yourself together a bit and jolly him along to the idea of going to his dad's with his sister. You obviously don't like the arrangements, your children will be picking up on that.

You're not going to be without them 'all Christmas', it's only a day, one single day.

Original poster
StaceymAloneForver · 24/10/2011 10:30

i dont think he's being selfish, i also know i am being selfish wanting them here, but he did see them every xmas, and i won't be seeing them at all

OP posts:
squeakyfreakytoy · 24/10/2011 10:31

But you will seem them, because they will be coming to you at 4pm, wont they?

2rebecca · 24/10/2011 10:31

We take turns, yes it's sad when you don't have them but that's part of being separated from the other parent. My ex does look after them well at xmas though as do his family so my kids are happy to take turns and usually keen to go to whichever parent is likely to have their cousins around for xmas.

smartyparts · 24/10/2011 10:32

I am not surprised you're upset, but it's fair to take turns as both parents should be able to have them for some Christmas Eves and Christmas mornings. My friends who are divorced do this and she just accepts that every other year she's going to be a bit sad.

Original poster
StaceymAloneForver · 24/10/2011 10:33

i have jollied them along with it and dd is fine with ti. ds also understands that father christmas goes to both places. (this is not the first seperated christmas) but he insists to me he wants to be here, then comes back from contact and xh says he wants to be there and within 20mins ds tells me he wants to be here.

i told him last night as he kept changing his mind i had decided he would be going to xh with his sister, but now he's upset about that

OP posts:
discobeaver · 24/10/2011 10:34

You say you won't see them at all, so does this mean they will be away Xmas eve, Xmas day and boxing day?
Surely they should come to you at 4 on Xmas day, fair swap then.

Original poster
StaceymAloneForver · 24/10/2011 10:34

@ squeaky

no he has said he won't be bringing them home until boxing day

i know this sounds petty but i wasn't the one who left the kids, he was, why should i miss out quite so much??

OP posts:
MadameCastafiore · 24/10/2011 10:35

XH and I take turns each year - that way it is fair for DD and for us.

I think maybe it is something you should put into practise - stops any arguements.

cera1980 · 24/10/2011 10:36

I know it's hard, before my ex stopped seeing the children we used to split christmas equally, he would have them christmas eve/christmas morning one year and I would pick them up for christmas dinner and then they would stay with me for the rest of the holidays, and vice versa (although he would bring them back early boxing day).

I hated it with a passion, but I knew the children had rights to remember christmas with their dad as well as with me.

discobeaver · 24/10/2011 10:37

Why does he get to dictate? You need to have concrete arrangements in place, like MadameCF says.

AFuckingKnackeredWoman · 24/10/2011 10:38

The swap needs to be fair. They should come back at 4 on Christmas day

KatAndKit · 24/10/2011 10:38

Stacey, it shouldn't be about who is "missing out" and who left the family home or who decided to end the relationship. It should be about the kids having a good relationship with both parents. Don't get into petty arguments about whose "fault" it was. That isn't fair on the children.

I can understand you being upset, and it does seem unfair that you have let him see them on Xmas afternoon but he wants to keep them till boxing day.

You need to sort out a fair and reasonable arrangement that you can take it in turns with each year and can both agree on.

Original poster
StaceymAloneForver · 24/10/2011 10:39

because i've never really said no to him before, and he discusses it with thek ids before he discusses it with me so i feel i have to do what the kids want. im happy for dd to go there as she wants to but ds is really confused and upset about it and whatever i do seems to be making it worse :S

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 24/10/2011 10:39

OP... You're not 'missing out', you're being a responsible parent and sharing your childrens' time during high days and holidays. It doesn't matter who left whom, that's not the issue at all. They are his children too and if he's a good father then why should all of the timings with the children go your way? He needs to build up a relationship with them the same you must and you have them all of time, no? It must be very difficult to be a non-resident parent.

DownbytheRiverside · 24/10/2011 10:40

'i know this sounds petty but i wasn't the one who left the kids, he was, why should i miss out quite so much??'

That does sound petty, think his actions are demonstrating that he didn't leave his children, he left you.
I hope you don't articulate that opinion to your children. I also feel you need to agree and formalise arrangements about the children between you in writing. You may find a mediator helpful.

whippetgrey · 24/10/2011 10:40

Tell him he will be bringing them back (or you will collect them) at 4pm. That's the deal.

With regards your ds I would leave it for now - Xmas is ages away.