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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset about my xh having the kids for xmas??

98 replies

StaceymAloneForver · 24/10/2011 09:41

Me and xh broke up 3 years ago and the arrangement has always been that they stay here xmas eve, then go to him at 4pm on xmas day. This year he has suddenly said he wants to have the dc's for xmas eve, and he said it in front of them, dd wanted to go to him, and ds wanted to stay here, which i was kinda ok with.

Now xh has put pressure on ds (5) and he's really confused about what he wants and he doesnt want to upset anyone and it's all got really complicated. I've ended up saying to ds that he should go to his dads with his sister as i don't want to confuse/upset him any further.

I jsut can't help feeling upset that my kids aren't going to be with me at xmas......AIBU??

OP posts:

KatAndKit · 24/10/2011 10:41

Right well you need to sit down and talk about it with him, and also say that you would rather that the two of you talk about arrangements with each other and make a decision together before telling the kids, as they are too young to have the responsibility of making decisions and they find it confusing and upsetting.

Original poster

StaceymAloneForver · 24/10/2011 10:41

but im responsible all the time :( i know im probably coming across really selfish, but i honestly wouldnt stop them if they wanted to go, (even though i'd still be upset) it's more ds's confusing and upset that's getting to me

OP posts:

MissFenella · 24/10/2011 10:42

well that is unfair. If you are swapping arrangements it should be the whole swap not just the bits he wants

clam · 24/10/2011 10:42

He brings them back at 4pm or they don't go at all.
Tell him!
Why does he get to call all the shots?

clam · 24/10/2011 10:46

I know someone who told her ex quite categorically that there was no way, ever, he was having her children over Christmas. She said that she hadnt carried each of them for 9 months and nursed them and cared for them while he was screwing around, in order to spend Christmas apart from them, he'd chosen to leave to be with OW, and tough luck, that was the choice he'd made. You leave your kids, you don't get to pick and choose the good bits.

He didn't argue.

Original poster

StaceymAloneForver · 24/10/2011 10:48

clam, thats what i feel like saying :( but dd wants to be there so i wont argue, just hate it.

want ds to be happy too tho

OP posts:

fuzzynavel · 24/10/2011 10:48

YANBU. I can understand how upsetting it must be and whilst no, it shouldn't matter who left who but I can also understand you saying this too.

He was out of order for speaking to the children first but the damage is done now. In your situation I'd just do what some of the other posters have said and make it sound as fun as possible for your DS and hide your feelings until they are out of the door (then get the tissue box out).

This has probably shown that you do need to rise above things and share alternate times now.

Dozer · 24/10/2011 10:48

The kids are too small to decide, you need to talk to your ex. He is being v unfair manipulating the DC and wanting them til boxing day.

GColdtimer · 24/10/2011 10:48

Its unfair that he wants to keep them until boxing day. A compromise would be that he has then christmas even until 4. Then its a straight swap and you can plan something lovely for the evening. YANBU to be upset though.

KatAndKit · 24/10/2011 10:49

Stacey, I don't think children that age should be burdened with having to make a choice about which parent to spend christmas with. The adults should be making decisions, not the children.

Clam, whilst I can understand that she would have felt very hurt, the kids still should not suffer because what their parents have done. Children have a right to a relationship with both of their parents. It shouldn't be about picking and choosing the good bits. it should ideally be about them both cooperating to get what is best for the child. Sadly it does not often seem to work like that.

Dozer · 24/10/2011 10:50

Clam, your friend is being unreasonable and punishing her kids, not just her ex.

squeakyfreakytoy · 24/10/2011 10:51

As others have said, the deal will be they come back to you at 4pm. Why should it be any different than a straight swap. Put your foot down on that from the off.

cantspel · 24/10/2011 10:52

Clam that is very sad. A dad who didn't care enough to force the issue and a mother that was so bitter she used the children as a weapon against the father.

I am a child of divorced parents. But mine divorced when there was still a sigma to it (over 40 years ago)
I never got to spend any of good bits with my father and did blame him as i though he couldn't be bothered and would rather spend the time with his new wife and step family. It was only as i got older that i found out he did want to see us but was refused by my mum.

clam · 24/10/2011 10:54

True, katandkit although in that case the children certainly were not suffering! it was complex situation, but they loathed the OW and did not want to go anyway. Although how much of that was down to what they'd picked up from their mother, who can tell?

But in this case, the exH is being totally unreasonable, unless there are facts we've not been told. If she has sent the kids to him at 4pm in previous years, then he should do the same back this year. Ditto their birthdays. If she allows him to see them when she has them , then so too should he. And as for telling the kids before discussing it with her! Out of order.

zipzap · 24/10/2011 10:55

Ooh. Can see why he might want to do the xmas eve/Xmas morning thing. But if you usually split it so that you swap at 4pm on Xmas afternoon then you should still do that. So yo get the boxing day half of the holiday.

Has he said why he expects to have all the holiday this year rather than share?

Can you take a deep breath and tell him (followed up with email for written record) that you are happy to swap your normal Christmas arrangements over but that you are not prepared for them to spend the whole of Christmas with your xh. And that oh he doesn't agree to it that you will be sticking to your normal arrangements as they can only be altered when you both agree.

You have just the same rights as your xh to make demands. And to believe what your dc say to you, even if xh is saying they are saying different things to him. Hopefully you can come to a compromise. But at the moment he seems to be the one who holds the power for some reason.

Do your kids realise they won't be seeing you at all over Xmas?

Northernlurker · 24/10/2011 10:55

I think your ds will be ok with it if you say you are ok with it. I agree - he has them til 4pm and then you have them. That is the only offer on the table. If he doesn't like that then he can have them from 4pm. Nothing else is on the table.

DownbytheRiverside · 24/10/2011 10:56

Leaving this thread now, but just to say that I get very weary and angry with the mess that squabbling, jealous and manipulative adults make of their children's lives, and the years I've had to deal with the fallout in school.
Not you OP, but clam's friend.
Young children who are emotionally damaged, tearful and constantly uncertain because the adults in their lives don't put their needs first. The anger and powerlessness that surrounds them.
It's horrible to see the chaos that can ensue. Especially when contrasted with the families that have worked to prioritise their children's happiness and create arrangements that minimise the conflicts.

Original poster

StaceymAloneForver · 24/10/2011 10:58

i don't know what ds is thinking anymore tbh

i think i will def put my foot down to have them brought back at 4pm, or he can stuff his contact.

it all seems to be one way traffic with him, from a man who hasn't paid for his children in over a year but thats another story

OP posts:

Original poster

StaceymAloneForver · 24/10/2011 10:59

@downbytheriverside

thankfully my children are pretty well adjusted by all accounts :)

thanks for your input xxx

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 24/10/2011 11:00

I feel for you even though I do think you're being a little U and so is your ex, in the way he did it.

I think you should plan a day for YOU on your own, however you want to do it, can you go to a relative for the day? A friend? Have a pampered slobby day in front of the box drinking buck's fizz in your pj's?

Father Christmas is very clever you know, not only can he visit your children where ever they are he can do 'special' return trips on another day.

NEXT year, make sure you have the children ALL DAY on Christmas Day, your ex thinks it fair obviously, so you make sure he knows that for next year. x

littlemisssarcastic · 24/10/2011 11:01

There was another thread not so long ago about this. You may find it helpful OP. Here it is

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 24/10/2011 11:01

YANBU.

Your 2 kids are not toys that you and your Ex 'take turns' to play with. As their mother you want what is best for THEM. Why is that so selfish? If they live with you they should sleep in their own bed in their own house with their mum. They see their dad on Christmas Day. It's their special time and should be all about what is best for them.

Your Ex is the one that's being selfish IMO.

Original poster

StaceymAloneForver · 24/10/2011 11:05

thanks littlemiss

and rebel, thanks for making me feel less neurotic lol, i jsut want whats best for them, as i've said before dd was happy to go (excited even) so i have no qualms in that respect but ds on the other hand......oh its so hard

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 24/10/2011 11:05

Get the CSA involved in getting maintainence. They will chase him. The amount they request is lower than many parents choose to pay but that would still be 100% more than you've had recently.

marriednotdead · 24/10/2011 11:06

Agree with posters who say he should bring them back at 4pm. If he can't be trusted to do this then they stay with you, no argument.

I was a wimp about most things but my DCs always woke up with me on Christmas morning. Neither of their fathers would have made the effort with Santa, stockings etc, and those are the things they remember.

DS woke up at his dad's on Christmas morning for the first time when he was 12, the year his baby half sister arrived, a deal struck some years before.
No regrets

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