To be upset about my xh having the kids for xmas??

[StaceymAloneForver]

Me and xh broke up 3 years ago and the arrangement has always been that they stay here xmas eve, then go to him at 4pm on xmas day. This year he has suddenly said he wants to have the dc's for xmas eve, and he said it in front of them, dd wanted to go to him, and ds wanted to stay here, which i was kinda ok with.

Now xh has put pressure on ds (5) and he's really confused about what he wants and he doesnt want to upset anyone and it's all got really complicated. I've ended up saying to ds that he should go to his dads with his sister as i don't want to confuse/upset him any further.

I jsut can't help feeling upset that my kids aren't going to be with me at xmas......AIBU??

Nothern, CSA are involved but not much they can do when he just quits his job and moves on :(

as i said, another arguement lol

Look, your DS doesn't want to go and you don't want him to go either. Let him stay at home with you.

Why is your ex suddenly changing the rules and bringing them back on Boxing Day? That is completely out of order. You always let him see the children on Christmas Day. Tell him he's to bring your daughter back by 4pm or else you will take it further with solicitors.

It's completely unfair that you should be alone on Christmas Day. You haven't done that to him - he shouldn't do it to you.

But in any case, all of this should be in the children's interests. Your son doesn't want to go. He shouldn't go.

I don;t see DD on Christmas day every other year but that is the same for XH - one of us has her Xmas ever and Xmas day and the other collects her Boxing Day morning and has her for the bit in between Xmas and New Year.

I thought it was done like that with most separated families - has always worked for us.

Ah I see Stacey - what a git!

MadameCastafiore - That's how my parents did it with my brother and me when we were growing up.

To be fair you have kids for best part of Christmas..... Christmas Eve and majority of Christmas Day.
So yabu

coccyx i think youv'e got it wrong, he wants them xmas eve until boxing day, i will not be seeing them for xmas day at all

Read the thread, coccyx

We have a similar problem with DSDs Mum. Not about Christmas but other things like extra curricular activities. We have joint residency so you would think any change in arrangements would be discussed between adults then DSD but she has a really nasty habit of discussing it with her then telling us what is happening. I think the only thing you can do is tell him (perhaps via email) that you expect any requests to be done away from the DC. I know how hard it is to co-parent with someone who does this so you have my sympathies. It's so hard on you and the DC :(

FWIW with my DDs and DSD the arrangement we have for Christmas is that we have them for Eve and Day one year and the other parents have them Boxing Day and the day after and we alternate years. Would this work for you?

i just feel sometimes he doesnt put them first, not just this but other stuff too.

like recently he has said he will not take them to any of their friends birthday parties on his weekends as that is 'his' time with them. so they get upset adn i deal with the fallout. Nevermind that on 'my' weekends i have to fit in their parties and spending time with them myself, as i work full time so only see them bedtime during the week.

i just want them to be happy

FWIW with my DDs and DSD the arrangement we have for Christmas is that we have them for Eve and Day one year and the other parents have them Boxing Day and the day after and we alternate years. Would this work for you?

we swap first thing on Boxing day morning

Hmmm. There's a question here. Why is he insistent on having them for so much longer at Christmas than OP usually has them?

Is there another woman about? Perhaps his parents are visiting as well?

If you do not have the children with you, will it mean that you will be alone when you walke up on Christmas morning?

there is another woman but it is the same woman he left me for 3 yrs ago so thats old news i don't have a problem with that at all, and any xmas has always included his parents as he couldn't possibly look after the kids by himself (they take too much attention)

i won't be alone as i have DP now and we will go to see his family (as planned) although dc's will miss out on this visit as DP's parents will be flying to dubai on boxing day. which DD is fine with, ds however not so happy.

i think ds has a lot of problem with it as he only knows his fatehr as a weekend dad (he was under 2 when xh left) whereas dd is far more attatched to xh as she remembers living with him.

cant you all spend christmas day together?

Stacey :(

I don't think YABU, not at all. I think he is, totally. It's one thing to say to you that he would like a turn at having them Christmas Eve & morning and bringing them back at 4, but it is not on for him to say he's keeping them until boxing day and it's certainly not on to ask them first. That's just shit parenting - though he sounds like he has a degree in that.

..and I don't think you'd be unreasonable to say what Clam's friend did, the children are not missing out on anything. They can have Christmas afternoon with their Dad. People should realise that fucking around and breaking up your family changes everything & you don't get to cherry pick the bits you want.

moanin - er......not really thanks, i dont like that man anymore, he acts like a moron and putsh is own needs/desires before my childrens...lol i can do the happy face at the door at handover but i'm not spending my xmas day with him

thanks Chipping, nice to know others don't all think i'm being selfish and neurotic

I dont think it is fair that he wants to keep them until boxing day but i would point out to him that if this is to be the agreed arrangement from now on then the same will apply next year and he wont get to see them until boxing day.

I also know someone who did what Clam's friend did and the dad took it to court. The court rules that the kids deserve to share special times with both parents regardless of the reasons for the breakdown of the marriage and the Mum was given pretty short shrift from what I can gather. If it goes to court OP then you are likely to be awrded the same but alternating - so if you hand them over to him at 4pm, he must do the same when it's the LO's turn with him

it wont go to court he's not that bothered!

If your children went and that is an if as far as your son is concerned I would tell him that I am collecting them at 4pm on Christmas Day and that I expected them to be ready no argument as you say he is no longer your husband and whilst you have to be civil and maintain a relationship for your children the fact that his is a little annoyed at not getting his own way should be no skin off his nose. Point out that Christmas is a time for family and you are 50% of that family and as such should get a 50% share so to speak. If he argues say that you would be happy to fetch then at 2pm or 12pm basically give him 4pm as the best option.

Skin off your nose even!

My xh and I split when my dc were very young and my dc are now grown up and left home. My experience over many years is as follows:

• there is no point in having fixed arrangements - as your children grow older, and as your circumstances / your xh's circumstances change then the arrangements that you have for Christmas are likely to change (as they have for you this year)

• become skilled at negotiating with xh (not with your dc) and get in early to agree arrangements

• while your dc are young, TELL them the arrangements that you and xh have decided, do not give them the choice, do not ask them what they want. They didn't get to make the final decision when you split up, so why give them that level of decision making power now?

• try not to involve your dc in your emotional pain. yes it's shit how you feel, and it's unfair, but try to protect your dc from that.

• recognise that the arrangements you make for christmas / birthdays / weekends will NOT be the same and equal at both house. You have to do what you feel is right, your xh will do what he thinks is OK. And your dc will survive. My dcs loved (and still do) to have Christmas morning at my house because of the attention that I paid to Xmas stockings, and they rave about the food and extended family. But they still wanted to (and still do want to) spend some Christmas mornings with their dad.

• sometimes, it is possible to make the most of the time when your dc are away from you. Luxuriate in a ridiculously adult time together, and then when dc are back with you enjoy that time twice as much knowing that you've had a real treat.

• finally (and on the sage advice of my dd), remember that your dc are people not possessions. My dd hated the phase "I've 'got' the children this weekend". She said that it made her feel like an object that either I had or her dad had. She said she was a person who 'lived' with us.

Myself and my Ex-H have an alternate arrangement for Christmas - this year DS1 is at Ex-H's for Christmas eve and Christmas day, comes back 6pm Christmas Day, next year it is vice versa. Birthdays we change over at 1pm. But that only works because DS1's birthday is ALWAYS in the Easter holidays - don't quite know what we will do if it is ever on a school day!

NO WAY should you accept this - INSIST that it works the same way it did before, but vice versa - YOU Pick them up at 4pm Christmas day, and have them for Boxing day. If he cannot agree to that - you still have time to go to mediation.