To think that just putting cbeebies on is rubbish parenting

[ditziness]

I've been ill this weekend, so was in bed all yesterday. DH was looking after DS (2.5) . Cbeebies on all day, DH playing computer games on his phone. I asked at lunchtime if he was going to take him out or do anything, but no, apparently he works all week so too tired to go out and do anything and ds asked for the telly on. Apparently I can get stuffed for interfering in what he's deciding to do if I'm not looking after him too.

Got to about 4 pm when I eventually persuaded him to take him to the local park for half an hour. It pisses me off as I spend all week taking ds places, giving him fresh air, excersuze, friends and fun, and if we are in the house then playing with him, reading to him. The telly rarely goes on, as I just don't think it's necessary so young and I want him to know that there's more to life than tv. (not that he never watches it atall, that's a bit dogmatic and unrealistic IMO).

I'm fed up that I can't be ill for a day, and expect his father to look after him properly and interact and go out with him. It's always the same, whenever DH looks after him he's always stuck infront of the telly all day.

Am I?

Gaelicsheep, I would hope that after 2 and a half years, that a man had learnt a few basic skills for parenting his own child though. It's hardly rocket science is it? He could have taken him for a walk, or played megabloks or puzzles with him. Does something as basic as that really warrant someone needing to give their partner tips on doing it? Is it not common sense to most adults that they need to interact at least a small amount with their child? It's pure laziness through and through on the OP's partner's part.

To add, women don't generally have someone to "teach" them how to parent or to give them tips, we have no choice but to soldier on and learn on the job so to speak. I'm not getting at you, but threads where men are just excused from parental duty on the grounds of "being men" really really annoy me. If they are a parent then they are a parent and they should at least be having a go at doing things properly.

How would you feel about your dh telling you how to occupy your ds during the week? Seriously, your dh is parenting him while you are sick, I don't think you get to dictate how he does it, just like he shouldn't dictate how you entertain him during the week.

You do such a lot with him & that is fine, so maybe it won't hurt your ds to have some down time in front of the TV while you are sick.

And stop being a martyr! Either get up & co parent your child, or stay in bed sick. Nothing I hate more than someone who is sick getting up & taking over just to prove a point. Yes, I agree with your dh, you are interfering & your dh must feel inadequate when you do so!

OP YANBU! I would expect my DH to take advantage and take the kid out or at leat play with him at home or in the garden. If he was ill too the it would be ok, but you are ill not HIM!
TV days are ok occasionally, but not as default.

Differentnameforthis, you think that her DH is parenting their child by sticking him in front of the TV? Seriously?

the child is happy watching tv...bet the father did breakfast, dinner, snacks, nappy changes drinks ect

my father always worked, and it was a treat when my father was home...to play to super nintendo or watch a video anything that was not going out.

You remind me of myself. My dh won't do any housework when he's alone with children as he 'entertains them'

Differentname, what is 'parenting' about playing computer games while your child is watching TV? He's not even watching the TV with him! And Christ, my husband parents his own child even when I'm not sick, why frame it as something this DH is doing for his wife? He should be parenting his own child on the weekends anyway.

OP, I would be furious. Of course it's rubbish bloody parenting, if you spent your day at home, every day, with DS messing around on MN while he stared at Balamory for several hours, you'd get absolutely flamed on here for being lazy and crap. As you should, because a 2.5 year old should not be watching TV all day. As others have said, your husband only gets to get away with it because you're there the rest of the time being a good, involved parent.

And it also occurs to me that if you're in sole charge of a toddler for the day and you're not going to be arsed actually interacting or doing any real parenting, you should at least put down the bloody iPhone and do some housework. I mean, I know that it's not always easy with a child that age to entertain them and also scrub the bath (mine's that age, and she's pretty intensive, demands a lot of interaction, etc), but if the TV's on, the adult should be doing something more useful.

Op

It is worth bearing in mind that like mwny mums, dads have ages where they don't shine and others where they excell.

DH was daytine primary carer for DS many moons ago when I went back to work. He did not do it the way I would have wanted. But me going all control freaky about it didn't change anything, I had to learn that as long as there was no neglect (like not changing nanppies or feeding) or danger involved, DH had as much right to do things his way, as I did mine.

And for him the smallie years were a case of doing what he needed to do so he could get through the day. He found that age realllllly hard work.

Now DS is 11, and I would say that since he has been about 6 or so, DH is the parent who really shines activity wise with him. They are always out and about doing stuff that DS loves, whereas I tend to get the hump after five minutes of balls being kicked in my direction.

I do understand how you feel, BTDT, but it is worth considering that since it is just the odd day here and there, and it may not have any bearing on how "telly based" your DH's involvement with his child will be in the future.

Actually I've found it sort of sucks a bit when daddies hit their stride.

It's all about Dad these days.

(sulks)

odd day here and there, and it may not have any

there, that's better.

Morning all.

I don't think it's fair of us to say that the DH should be doing someing 'useful'. It is his wwekend after all and fair enough he wants to relax. it's just ashame his idea of relaxing is an entire day of computer games, and that playing with his child doesn't come into it. I share some posters' disbelief thhat an adult could want to spend a whole day playing games but we're all different I suppose. The problem here though is that for a young child so much TV is harmful. If the child were happy playing on his own, it would be a bit different I think and then DH could have a bit of a rest and play a game, knowing that DS is perfectly fine. At least that's how I feel about it. Currently on mumsnet and enjoying a coffee while 3.5 year old DS is happlily playing withlego in her bedroom and singing to herself. I wouldn't allow myself the luxury if it meant she had to be in front of TV.

On the day in question I got up at 7 and got ds dressed and went out to shop on bike with him to get breakfast stuff and give dh a lie in. Came home, cooked dh breakfast in bed and then about 930am realised I was knackered. Thought I'd just go back to bed for a bit, but then started having the runs and body aches and headache.

So dh got up with ds about ten and I fell asleep and woke up at 1100 again. DH not dressed yet playing on his phone, ds infront of telly, I said to dh not to wait for me to start his day,that I was feeling rubbish. I then went to sleep again and woke up about 4pm.

Went through to living room, telly still on, ds hypnotised, dh playing on phone. I said what you two been upto. Dh said that he couldn't get a shower till he put ds down for his nap so hadn't gone out, but ds had wanted the telly on anyway. I asked what he'd done while we'd both been sleeping, he said he'd played his game.

I said please can you give him some fresh air and sunlight before it got dark, and he told me to get stuffed for interfering and I went back to bed again and slept again till after ds's bedtime. They went to the park and pizza shop for half an hour around 430.

He's not generally a lazy arse, he does pull his wait , not 100% but he trys. He just seems to have a default babysitting ds mode that hasn't really changed since he was tiny. He just thinks he has to sit with him I think and that's it. Maybe he doesn't see that he's a boy now, maybe he still thinks he's a baby.

Fastweb, that's really interesting. I shall bear that in mind. Thank you

it's hard work to be a perfect parent when you don't look after the kids all day.
yes t.v on all day is rubbish but he's not a childcare expert.

don't just criticise, tell him why it's a problem for you and why you think he should do something else. e.g ds needs to have a run round outside at some point today otherwise he won't sleep properly and will have loads of unspent energy to burn off at the end of the day. if it was a one off i'd leave him to deal with the unspent energy then if/when he complains you could point out it's because he hadn't been out all day.

you can't expect him to live up to your standards either.

Btw I wasn't trying to make myself out as an angel during the week. We don't have a schedule of activities, I don't hover over ds all the time. But we get out everyday, we meet friends most days, we do something together at some point most days ( be it drawing, reading, cooking, hoovering). I'd go nuts if I just sat around with the telly on.

By that I mean, I think we're pretty normal really. I make an effort to do stuff with ds and have a fun life for both our sakes. But I'm not a 3 playgroups a week, plus swimming , music and rhymetime kinda person either. I just don't sit in all day, or put the telly on instead of playing and chatting to ds. That's pretty normal isn't it?

YABU re the TV, but YANBU to think DH should interact with your DS.

There is nothing wrong with allowing a child to 'get on with it' (my DS is currently watching Toy Story in my bed whilst I MN in the lounge!), or with watching TV, my problem would be if your DS wanted to go out/ play with dad and he prioritized his computer.

ditziness it sounds like you work really hard and making DH cooked breakfast in bed when you are ill, it doesn't sound like he deserved it that day but maybe was having a bad day. Not very nice of him tp get angry at you for interfering but maybe he felt guilty. Perhaps when he's in a better mood you could talk about activities that he could do with DS. I can't believe the number of dads who just seem to sit there and be totally clueless with their children, it's never that way with the mums! I suppose it's just the old fashioned sexist idea that mums know best

BOOarehaunting it depends what you mean by 'getting on with it'. Like I said earlier if the child is playing, they are fine - learning to use their imagination, prCtising fine/ big motor skills, dealing with boredom and frustration - great. TV/ films are not the same. It is important that children learn to play without being 'fed' electronic media. Studies have linked children who never learnt to play and who were too dependent on electronic media with increased drug dependency later in life.

Yes, I see that 'he needs ideas' and 'he's not a childcare expert' get wheeled out as excuses. As if mothers, throughout history, haven't had to just get on with it without being allowed such excuses. He sees what the OP does every weekend; why can't he copy some of that? Taking his son to the park/playground, or for a walk to the local shop, or kicking a ball around in the garden, are hardly rocket science!

The more I think about it the more I think this didn't do your child any harm and that DH didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't all day, it was 11am until 4.30pm with a nap in between.
So many he thought, DS has already been to the shops on the bike and had some fresh air so i can just chill out now - that was a lazy option. But maybe he thought that he and his son could do with some down time.
I despise the thought of a man on a phone for 5.5 hours and wouldn't personally be with someone like this but I assume that is his character and you chose him as a husband.

I do think it's rude to tell him to take the boy out for some fresh air etc before it gets dark. You sound a bit controlling to me. He had already been out and it wasn't really necessary for his well being to go out again, you were just trying to prove a point that you do this stuff all week and the one time you asked DH to look after him, he didn't put in the same effort as you would.
DH picked up on this and took it to be the thinly veiled critisism that it was and people don't generally take kindly to judgement by stealth so his reaction was a normal one in my opinion.

And then the next morning, telly straight on? And the fact that he does it everytime he looks after him?

Well I heartened to see that opinion is pretty much split, that's healthy I reckon. Neither one if us were massively in the wrong, and there's things we can both learn and think about. Thanks aibu, lots of good thoughts here and I appreciate them all .

bugster I agree. My DS is 7 now so the 2yo bit is a distant memory probably blocked it out!. I do remember at this age DS needed to release some energy but it didn't need to be outside/ park. I've always let DS get on with whilst happy but maybe I'm lucky that DS isn't that interested in TV/ electronic devices and so uses them but would rather play?
If he needs/ wants me then he gets my attention, he may need to wait whilst I wee etc but playing games I would give it to him. I'd expect him to stop playing when I wanted him to do something and so I try to lead by example!

should add I'm not adverse to the odd occasion when they do watch TV all day as long as it's balanced over a period of time. And I'm not sure any child of 2 would sit and watch TV without playing for 5 hours so do think the OP IBU re the TV. Not least because she was asleep and doesn't actually know!

I dont think the issue is Cbeebies

the issue is the fact that your DH made zero effort to do anything with your child when he had him for a day

I think YANBU. I work FT so spend the weekend doing "stuff" with my kids, I dont get people that work all week and then dont seem to want to make time for their kids come the weekend. Sometimes I think am I doing this cos I have working Mum guilt, but no. If I spend a weekend rushing about and dont have any quality time with kids I feel really sad

so YANBU