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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

please help solve a domestic dilemma

124 replies

MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 11:35

Quick background: we had DC1 a DD 5.5months ago, since then obviously our (DP & I) attendance at any social functions has been minimal... OH has been 'out with the boys' maybe 2/3 times in that period, the only social things I have been to have been work related ie mid-week with clients (I returned to work after 9wks, DP is a SAHD).

So... the dilemma- this Saturday is my Mum's B'day an DP's cousin's B'day. My Sister had planned dinner/drinks for my Mum (either for all of us or just the 3 of us) and the cousin is having a party. We can't move Mum's to Fri or Sun as Mum works Saturday and we all work Monday.
DP wants to go to his cousin's party, I want to go out with Mum. The only babysitter we have is my Mum.

I appreciate that we chose to have DD so these things happen but feel like if we can't do both we should do neither. AIBU? DP is having a strop and saying he's going to the party regardless...

OP posts:
Maryz · 22/10/2011 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 13:03

I don't know, he knew the date of my mums birthday and we always do something for it, and I had mentioned to him that it fell on a saturday this year. I know it is a serious breakdown in communication, but I'm just not sure how to fix it now. Yes, it is next sat- not tonight.

OP posts:
rhondajean · 22/10/2011 13:04

Parent takes precedence over cousin. Not really a dilemma here. Hand him the child, smile and leave.

trixymalixy · 22/10/2011 13:04

Babysitting agency if neither of you are prepared to budge?

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 13:10

Think I said before, there are no local babysitting agencies

OP posts:
Bohica · 22/10/2011 13:13

There must be an agency unless you live in the arse end of no where, does a work colleque have a sensible teenager who does baby sitting.

I ask again, What about youe auntie??

browneyesblue · 22/10/2011 13:22

Parent trumps cousin. Besides, his cousin's party will go ahead whether or not he is there - your mum's evening won't. If your mum is your usual babysitter, he should be doubly keen to make sure she has a nice birthday.

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 13:22

Bohica- Aunti lives approx 400miles away, I work approx 35miles away, I'm in sort of central belt scotland, small-ish town, not very affluent- ggogle said no and I've lived here 25 years and never known of one.

Maryz- I think we are both guilty of assuming a bit, I assumed he would come for dinner and then take DD home to bed so I could stay out with mum & sister, he assumed that I would stay home with DD/get my mum to spend her birthday babysitting.

OP posts:
trixymalixy · 22/10/2011 13:24

There must be a local childminder that does baby sitting, or a nursery that may have people whomdo babysitting?

ChaoticAngelofSamhain · 22/10/2011 13:33

"Parent trumps cousin. Besides, his cousin's party will go ahead whether or not he is there - your mum's evening won't. If your mum is your usual babysitter, he should be doubly keen to make sure she has a nice birthday."

This

A 30th birthday isn't that special and I don't see why it trumps the OP's mum's just because she's older. This is a woman who is really looking forward to going out, possibly for the first time this year, and if they don't go out on this date it could be weeks before they're all free on a Saturday again.

Btw your DH needs to look at his attitude.

CheeseandGherkins · 22/10/2011 13:44

He assumed your mum would be happy to babysit on her birthday? Confused. Tell him you've made arrangements to go out and he can sort childcare. Why should it be up to you? She's his daughter just as much.

trixymalixy · 22/10/2011 13:44

BUT, the Mum's birthday night could be more easily rearranged, and then everyone can go to the things they want to.

CheeseandGherkins · 22/10/2011 13:50

Why should she when it's already been arranged and it's her birthday on that day? She's probably really looking forward to it as well, even though she might not say if asked to rearrange but I wouldn't want to disappoint my mum like that. A cousin would understand especially as his party will happen anyway.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 22/10/2011 13:52

trixy - "30's not a significant birthday?!?!!?!"

Sorry Grin.

It is a milestone but it's not one that I would necessarily expect all my family to come to a party for, is what I meant.

18 or 21 are special and you might reasonably expect your whole family to turn out for one of them (not both) and then after that I think 30 and 40 might be milestones but more the sort you would have a smaller meal or night out with friends for, rather than expect the entire clan to gather. Plus everyone already seems to be getting together for weddings and christenings in their 30's, so throwing big family birthday parties in there could be a bit much.

50 is a half century so it's a bit more of a milestone and a bigger reason for a family party, especially if you have adult children and grandchildren.

I didn't mean you shouldn't do anything special, just that to me 30 is more of a few good friends for a more personal celebration type of birthday.

The OP said her DH and his family get together a lot so it's not like he hasn't seen them in ages, DH has been out and about with friends and OP only for work commitments. I just don't think that the "it's a big birthday" reason is good enough for a 30th.

trixymalixy · 22/10/2011 13:52

Because it's the obvious compromise so that everyone gets a night out Hmm

if there's no compromise then everyone will be pissed off, someone has to budge somewhere.

FabbyChic · 22/10/2011 13:53

You are going out at 6, so he takes the baby when he leaves at around 7.30, you go for your meal and pick the baby up from him at 10pm so that he can then have a good drink.

CheeseandGherkins · 22/10/2011 13:57

He can always go out the week after, then everyone still gets a night out and ops mum isn't left not being able to go out on her birthday. Cousin is having his party anyway so it makes no difference. I wouldn't say it's a compromise when her mum is likely to be upset over it. Why doesn't dh compromise and go out the week after or the friday?

That's my opinion anyway, really not bothered what other people do but I wouldn't let my mum down and nor would dh want me to.

trixymalixy · 22/10/2011 14:00

But the cousin's party is on the Saturday that wouldn't achieve anything!

If the OP puts her foot down and insist that she's the one to go out , then surely she's just as much of a twat as you are all saying her DH is?

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 14:00

Fabby-I'm not going out at 6, Mum finishes work at 6. I reckon i'll just need to apologise, give sis £ for Mums night and stay in with DD.

Just to add- he has another 3 big family things on this year already that i know about, not including our DDs christening...

OP posts:
trixymalixy · 22/10/2011 14:01

her DH wants to go to the party, not any old night out.

What is wrong with going out on the Friday night with your Mum OP?

trixymalixy · 22/10/2011 14:02

There must be someone who you can get to babysit?

Whereabouts in Scotland are you?

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 14:04

we are all at work on fridays- I'm unlikely to be home before 8 and will have been away since the thurs morning, and Mum needs to be up for work at 7am on Saturday

OP posts:
diddl · 22/10/2011 14:05

OP-why can´t you go out for dinner/drinks until say 10pm?

Then your husband go out?

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 14:07

diddl- not ideal but better than pulling out, i'll ask him and see what he says :)

OP posts:
MonstrouslyNarkyPuffin · 22/10/2011 14:13

Hmm. So he does the majority of the child care. He told you about the party and you just assumed your mother's birthday obviously trumped that. You say he's been 'out with the boys 2-3 times' since your child was born. You're out in adult company every day at work. Now you expect him to cancel his plans.