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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

please help solve a domestic dilemma

124 replies

MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 11:35

Quick background: we had DC1 a DD 5.5months ago, since then obviously our (DP & I) attendance at any social functions has been minimal... OH has been 'out with the boys' maybe 2/3 times in that period, the only social things I have been to have been work related ie mid-week with clients (I returned to work after 9wks, DP is a SAHD).

So... the dilemma- this Saturday is my Mum's B'day an DP's cousin's B'day. My Sister had planned dinner/drinks for my Mum (either for all of us or just the 3 of us) and the cousin is having a party. We can't move Mum's to Fri or Sun as Mum works Saturday and we all work Monday.
DP wants to go to his cousin's party, I want to go out with Mum. The only babysitter we have is my Mum.

I appreciate that we chose to have DD so these things happen but feel like if we can't do both we should do neither. AIBU? DP is having a strop and saying he's going to the party regardless...

OP posts:
squeakyfreakytoy · 22/10/2011 12:21

5.5months isnt newborn though wilson..

Bohica · 22/10/2011 12:22

That's what I suggested. Re-arrange your plans and attend the party togeather with you leaving at 8is.

You really don't want to budge on this do you?

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 12:23

Squeaky- yes his parents would be staying till the end. In fact I think it may only be his Dad as I'm sure he said his Mum is working night shift that night

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 12:25

Bohica- I don't think either of us wants to budge and therein lies the problem.

OP posts:
Maryz · 22/10/2011 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakyfreakytoy · 22/10/2011 12:27

Great grandparents then? My MIL loves looking after her gt.granchildren and often got overlooked and not considered, because my stepkids just didnt think of her when they were struggling for babysitters...

BertieBotts · 22/10/2011 12:27

Ask your sister - if it was my mum and sister, they would understand and say definitely rearrange - what's the point of one of you missing out if you can rearrange one and do both? There's no harm in asking!

I think that a 5.5 month old at a party where there are lots of adults, even if they are drunk, will be fine. There will be plenty of people to pass her around to if she doesn't settle. There are a few ways round this, as I see it.

A 5.5 month old as well doesn't have attachments formed yet - she would be fine with a babysitter from an agency, for example. I do appreciate that with your PFB this is a worrying thought! But honestly, she'd be fine, you could always ring around a few to find one who will not leave her to cry, or stick to your routine, or be prepared to take her for a walk in the pram, or however you usually settle her. (If she was any older I wouldn't suggest this, but at her age, as long as she's being held and has access to milk, she will be happy. You would be surprised.)

Although I do strongly agree with EatYourEyes that it's the way he's approached this which is the problem. It shouldn't be your responsibility to sort alternative arrangements or give up your night out in these situations. You should be looking at it together and working out the most practical solution for everybody. So I think you need to decide whether you are going to sort out an alternative arrangement, as many options in this thread show, and then in future make sure you write down going out arrangements on a shared calendar, with whoever gets in there first having first dibs, and whoever arranges something second having to change their dates or find alternative childcare. Or, make this a point of principle and insist that either he sorts it out, or that you sit down together and thrash this out until you come up with a workable solution. Either way don't miss your mum's night out - that would be a great shame, will probably be disappointing for your mum, and it will leave you in the same situation time and time again, as DH will assume you "don't mind" and think that it's fine for him to just arrange his own stuff with no regard for yours.

Maryz · 22/10/2011 12:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 12:33

its not that im afraid of my sister just than I know i'd be massively letting them down and she'll be really disappointed. We dont manage to spend much time together and mum, sis and I all work full time and have other commitments so its really important to her that we spend mums birthday having fun together, especially since my dad left. I expect it would be weeks before we all had another saturday night free.

OP posts:
clam · 22/10/2011 12:35

I think your problem is not which function to attend, but the fact that your DP has just announced that he "is going to the party anyway."
That's what needs sorting.

Bohica · 22/10/2011 12:39

Clams right. If your going out to an adult venue and you DP is going to a family event he should take his baby with hime and employ family members to help him out. If your not going to be especially late you could offer to collect your daughter on the way home and let DP stay at the party. That is a compromise and if he still isn't happy then I'm afraid he is an arse.

lenak · 22/10/2011 12:41

He has been a bit of an idiot by declaring that he is going, but if you have been as adverse to compromise in real life as you have on this thread, then I can see why:

he had mentioned the party but tbh I hadn't realised he was actually going, conversation along the lines of "x is having a birthday party" me "oh, when?" dp "29th Oct" me "ah, thats a shame, its my mums birthday" end of conversation.

What you did here is no different to what he has done- you automatically assumed your mom's (non-significant e.g not 50th or 60th) birthday should take priority over a big family event of his which is a significant birthday.

If you don't want to hire a babysitter because you are, then you should re-arrange your night out with your mom and sister - your mom can still get her hair done etc, just a week later.

It's a good compromise and I don't see why your family should take priority over his.

SweatTart · 22/10/2011 12:41

NOt read whole thread, but I'd say a Mum trumps a cousin any day of the week :)

SuePurblybiltFromBitsofCorpses · 22/10/2011 12:42

I think the OP is getting a bit of a hard time for not wanting to compromise. She is at least considering it - the DH has just said 'tough'. Or have I read that wrong?

Maryz · 22/10/2011 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trixymalixy · 22/10/2011 12:45

It's a 30th birthday party!!! Definitely one of the big ones to celebrate. It totally trumps yourMum's birthday, sorry. Plus it was arranged first. It's a no brainer.

Or rather it would be but it's the way your DH has gone about it that's not great, but he is right.

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 12:46

lenak- i meant that compromise to illustrate that he never at any point said he was going. He has a massive family (approx 20 cousins) so there are family events all the time. I've only really got my mum and sister and aunty. There are no babysitting services round here as far as I know. Also, as I've said, its weeks before we all have a free saturday to rearrange to.

OP posts:
Maryz · 22/10/2011 12:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 12:46

*conversation not compromise

OP posts:
SuePurblybiltFromBitsofCorpses · 22/10/2011 12:49

Maybe so Maryz. But what would happen if she did the same thing and said 'tough, I'm going'? A race for the door?
It is very silly but I think the DH's attitude stinks.

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 12:51

haha sue! i can see it now... I think i'll put my party clothes on and sit on the couch with my dressing gown on top. Then when he gets in the shower- dressing gown off and sprint for the front door... plan!

OP posts:
trixymalixy · 22/10/2011 12:51

I think her attitude is just as bad tbh. And all we know of the DH's attitude is what she has told us.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 22/10/2011 12:58

30 isn't a significant birthday though, not like 18 or 21 with their traditional significance of adulthood or 50 for a half century or 60 for retirement (as it used to be) etc.

When you said "that's a shame, it's my mums birthday" does that mean you already had made your plans and he knew about them?

Was he mentioning the party because he already knew what was happening but expected you to say "Okay, I'll cancel mums birthday plans then."

Bohica · 22/10/2011 13:02

Can't your auntie babysit then?

trixymalixy · 22/10/2011 13:02

30's not a significant birthday?!?!!?!

It was for me and all my friends. Every one of us had a party or a special night out, when we don't normally celebrate birthdays particularly.

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