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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

please help solve a domestic dilemma

124 replies

MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 11:35

Quick background: we had DC1 a DD 5.5months ago, since then obviously our (DP & I) attendance at any social functions has been minimal... OH has been 'out with the boys' maybe 2/3 times in that period, the only social things I have been to have been work related ie mid-week with clients (I returned to work after 9wks, DP is a SAHD).

So... the dilemma- this Saturday is my Mum's B'day an DP's cousin's B'day. My Sister had planned dinner/drinks for my Mum (either for all of us or just the 3 of us) and the cousin is having a party. We can't move Mum's to Fri or Sun as Mum works Saturday and we all work Monday.
DP wants to go to his cousin's party, I want to go out with Mum. The only babysitter we have is my Mum.

I appreciate that we chose to have DD so these things happen but feel like if we can't do both we should do neither. AIBU? DP is having a strop and saying he's going to the party regardless...

OP posts:
diddl · 22/10/2011 11:59

Why can´t you do both as Imperial suggested?

Have the meal with your mum a little earlier?

TBH, I think that mums are more important than cousins, so you should go out with your mum, & if there´s a way of your partner going to his cousins party, that´s a bonus.

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 12:00

he had mentioned the party but tbh I hadn't realised he was actually going, conversation along the lines of "x is having a birthday party" me "oh, when?" dp "29th Oct" me "ah, thats a shame, its my mums birthday" end of conversation.

OP posts:
Thzumbazombiewitch · 22/10/2011 12:02

Your DP is being a selfish arse, IMO. It's your mum, FFS! He can go to a party any old time.

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 12:02

There really is no-one :( she doesn't sleep through regularly and is teething.

OP posts:
Maryz · 22/10/2011 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eurochick · 22/10/2011 12:02

Can't the baby go with one of you and sleep in her pram until you go home? Loads of kids do this at weddings and family parties.

squeakyfreakytoy · 22/10/2011 12:03

Would his parents not rather babysit than go to a boozy party? I know many that would.

trixymalixy · 22/10/2011 12:04

Is the cousin's birthday a particularly special one or do they have a party every year?

ImperialBlether · 22/10/2011 12:05

Yes, I agree with Maryz. The meal with your mum can be put off for another week, whereas the party obviously can't as it'll involve more people.

Invite your mum and sister to yours for a takeaway, wine and DVDs. Arrange to go out on the following Saturday.

Not sure what age your mum is, but birthdays really aren't that big a deal as you get older - no reason why she can't celebrate it a week later.

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 12:05

Mum doesn't finish work until 6pm so can't do earlier. Mum and Sis really looking forward to night out and given that it's only a week away I feel awful saying no we're staying in and having a take away while i run up and down the stairs all night trying to get a baby to sleep. Doesn't seem like much of a birthday treat.

OP posts:
Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 12:06

its a 30th party

OP posts:
Maryz · 22/10/2011 12:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 22/10/2011 12:09

Ask your mum?

Perhaps she´d like a night in with her daughters & GD & a meal some other time?

CheeseandGherkins · 22/10/2011 12:10

If it's a family event for him then get him to take dd with him, I'm sure his family would love to see her. You can still go out with your mum. I would say that your mum takes priority over a cousin though.

squeakyfreakytoy · 22/10/2011 12:11

I honestly cant see why your partner cant take the child to the 30th. Are other children going to be there too? At 5 months, she isnt going to be wandering around, and unless your family parties have a history of ending in brawls with the police calling... a few people drinking alcohol is not going to have any effect on her.

trixymalixy · 22/10/2011 12:14

If it's his cousin's 30th then I think he should go, sorry.

Bohica · 22/10/2011 12:14

Sorry but 30th B'day party trumps a night out with 2 people. Re-arange to next weekend as you didn't realise the clash of dates and then you and baby can attend the 30th party for a couple of hours, baby gets passed around all the family while you get to eat all the party food and then you take baby home.

Major brownie points and a nice night out to look forward to with your mum and sis next weekend.

Takeresponsibility · 22/10/2011 12:14

Mmm - you've assumed he will look after DD whilst you go out and he's assumed you will whilst he goes out. Both at fault here - you need to communicate a lot better.

As 30 is a "special" birthday (wishes she could remember that long ago), and will go ahead regardless then I'm afraid that DP should go to that. As a quid pro quo he has to take his share of babysitting duties so you can go out with your mum the following week.

if he is a SAHD then he probably feels he is doing his share and that you need to pitch in (we have read hundreds of these where the SAHM is resentful because the working Dad wants to go out and leave her home, alone, again with the baby - same rules apply).

Communication and compromise.

colken · 22/10/2011 12:15

If your mother's evening out is for adults only, what about talking to a member of your partner's family about it? Would one of them be prepared to co-operate, about the baby, with your partner while at the party he's insisting on going to? If there's a woman with children, she'll know what it's like to choose between the two.

As for babysitters having no experience, they have to start somewhere. Have a babysitter so you can both go to your separate functions and give her a mobile phone number to call in an 'emergency' or for advice. Leave a list of things to do or not to do with her. Suggest no boyfriends accompany her.

Original poster
MamaGeekChic · 22/10/2011 12:16

not quite 'police calling' but pretty riotous (sp?) DP would be with his mates aged 20-30 and it will be more than a few drinks. he would then need to get DD strapped in her car seat into a taxi to bring her home etc... there may be kids at the start but i'd expect them all to be gone by 8.30ish...

Don't want to ask mum as she would always step down which is unfair on her, I know she's looking forward to what I'm sure is her first night out this year (getting hair done specially etc) and my sister will be really annoyed

OP posts:
Maryz · 22/10/2011 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz · 22/10/2011 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SuePurblybiltFromBitsofCorpses · 22/10/2011 12:18

I would have been on the side of the party - as you could take your DD to your mums and do the night out another time.

However, I think by saying 'tough, I'm going to my party regardless, DD is your problem' your DP has forfeited any right to be considered and should stay at home. And think about his behaviour, the knobber.

squeakyfreakytoy · 22/10/2011 12:19

If it is riotous then are his parents going to be staying late, or would it not be possible for them to take DD home with them and have her, or even bring her back to your house. Surely not everyone in his family is going to be getting hammered.

WilsonFrickett · 22/10/2011 12:20

I think the fact that it's a 30th does trump the DM dinner I'm afraid OP - but having said that, I think it's more the assumption that the 30th trumps the dinner that's bugging you, and in that YANBU. Thing is though, this is going to happen more and more as you get past that tiny newborn stage so you need to thrash out how you'll deal with it.

My DM babysits once a fortnight but we don't really have that many other babysitters outwith our close circle (so that means if there's a big night out, likely our babysitting pals will be at it!) so we take it strictly in turns, and I mean strictly. Which has meant DH going out to 'my' pals birthdays and stuff.