To put baby in nursery?

[SacreLao]

I am currently expecting baby number 3 :o

I have 2 children that are older (9 and 7 year old) so it's been a long time since I have done the baby stage, my son is severely disabled and bloody hard work at times. This is OH's first baby.

Anyway my 2 older children visit their father for 2 days a week, including overnight, so both me and OH are used to having child free days weekly and we both enjoy it. Perfect time for bonding, catching up on housework, shopping etc.

As much as we both want this new baby and will love it very much, I must admit I will miss having my child free days.

I am considering booking the baby into a nursery for one full day a week (once over 4 months) on one of our current child free days thus giving us one day a week for our bonding / being lazy etc. time.

We can afford this so finances are not an issue but is it cruel to put a baby in nursery when I am at home? The day will be OH's day off so actually we will both be at home.

I see it as no different to having a friend / family member taking baby out for a while to give us a rest, except we have no-one able to do that close by. I really feel that we will struggle without this weekly break as my son can be exhausting at times and a new baby will add to that.

So AIBU?

Bling - it's not black & white though is it. [Not just the OP's situation, but everyone's]. I wouldn't choose to put a 4 month old baby in nursery to do something like have 'babyfree' time, if I had no other stresses, no - because I don't think it's the right thing to do with a small baby. However, sometimes you cannot do the very best for every single person in a family and you have to choose the option that is the least damaging to everyone - in this case I wouldn't choose nursery for the baby, I would choose to spend the money on home help when her DS is at home. However, she may make a different choice. I think it's one thing to make a decision like this, that isn't (IMO) good for the baby because you want a bit of babyfree time and quite another to do it to enable you to cope the rest of the time. So no, it isn't a case of being OK or not being OK.

I am looking at putting my 15 month old dd in nursery for a couple of mornings a week towards the end of my pregnancy. I was advised that 1 day a week would be worse in terms of her remembering the place, settling in etc.

But then I wouldn't do what you're suggesting anyway.

YANBU. I am amazed at all the people here suggesting otherwise. Having a day off will enable you to maintain your sanity and be a better mum the rest of the time. Having happy parents is about the best thing possible for a baby.

It all depends on what kind of childcare you find. The difference between good and bad nurseries is like night and day.

My 5 mo. baby just started with a childminder two days a week (but he was prem, so he's more like a 3/4 mo. old). He's a very easygoing baby and the childminder is lovely and he is happy as anything. With my older DS, I waited until he was older to start childcare and separation anxiety had already set in, so the adjustment period was much more difficult for him. There is an argument that starting when your baby is younger is easier on the baby. Also, you might consider a childminder rather than nursery as the baby will be bonding with only one new person rather than a roomful of them. Nursery ended up being great for DS1 but I am really appreciating having a childminder this time round.

Also, for what it's worth, I co-sleep and breastfeed and carry my baby in a sling and blah blah blah. And I still welcome the respite of a bit of time off (I express milk for him on his childminder days).

Oops, have just read that you know the nursery super well. In that case, YADNBU.

Get on the waiting list now! I put DS2 on the waiting list just after my 12-week scan and he STILL hasn't got a place.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. My partner and I very rarely get time together anymore because of his work - he's working 6 days a week with long hours (9-10 on a good day, 12+ on a bad day) and by the time he gets back he's shattered because it's a very physical job. He manages to spend time with DS because he's only 3 months old and just likes cuddles, but I tend to feel very left out. On his day off, his parents have DS and we spend time together as a couple.

The main point is that relationships need work too. My nan used to tell me that they're called relation-ships because it takes two to sail them. So to just assume that having a baby will keep you both together would be insane.

Book him in, enjoy your time with your H and cherish it :)

I think it is entirely up to you and OH what you do with the baby. It's not like your suggesting leaving the baby with a pack of wolves once a week.

Of course it isn't 'cruel'! If it was, then surely it would be just as bad if you were at work, it's all the same from the baby's perspective surely.

As long as you and DH are happy with it, and the baby is well looked after and content at the nursery, and you can afford it, then I really don't see the problem.

Seven - who said that having a baby would keep them together? Many of us said they could all bond together when there's just the three of them and the older two are at their Dad's - that's not the same as saying that simply having a baby would bond them?!

I don't think YABU - but I would do 2 half days rather than one full day.

My ds went to nursery 2 mornings a week from 7 months while I finished a course. I was off over the summer but I still sent him to nursery and me and DP enjoyed some baby free time No one suffered.

Thanks everyone, OH has immediately vetoed the idea so looking at plan B instead now of hiring help for the days when all 3 children are here.

Although OH was keen on the idea of having a 'small' amount of child free time, she has said that she would see that day as 'her day' anyway and that it would be my rest day, which will help an awful lot and give me chance to do my usual paperwork catch up.

Sounds like a workable plan so far and if things change we can always re-look at the situation.

Now trying to figure out what we are looking for in terms of help, nannies all seem to want a sole care role but I will be at home and we don't have a spare room for an au pair.

Will have to work on it a bit, got time yet but I think having someone start before baby arrives will make it easier as we can settle into a routine straight away.

I can't remember who suggested it but thank you so much, it had never even occured to me that we could get home help whilst I was at home. Having someone to occupy DS whilst I am feeding / changing etc. will be a godsend.

Likewise they could sometimes do the baby care whilst I spend time with DD and DS.

Thinking about looking for someone to cover 1 day a week at the moment, as an extra pair of hands so to speak, and that perhaps increase this during school holidays or evenings if we feel we need it.

Try a mother's helper? The do childcare and some household chores.

Heart sense= baby mattress alarm. We got one off ebay, tested it many times it worked until she was about 1yr, then we just kept getting false positives as she moved around so much.
Could you get a nanny to come to you for a day as an alternative?

I can't see a problem with this - it's only 1 day a week and you know the nursery is excellent. It is very stressful having a child with SN and time off is very important. Is this the only couple time you would have in a week, or do you have evenings off?

Of course you might change your mind, but nothing wrong with that - you are right to start planning now.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

I would imagine you would have more luck getting a nanny through snap as they will expect a more shared care role. If you word the advert as mainly care/supervision of your DS then you are much more likely to get the right sort of person from the get-go. Fewer nannies will apply, but the more of the right ones. Also, do you have any local schools/collages? You may be able to get a student doing a childcare course. Does DS go to school? If he does, you really need more part days than a full day don't you??

Chipping: that's where we disagree. A) I don't think it does baby any harm to be looked after by someone else for a few hours a week and b) if I did think it was harmful I would say op should suck up her own tiredness.

As long as you don't mind them giving him jam sandwiches and nestle cereal.

Bling - well, luckily we are all allowed our own opinions and don't have to fight it out to the death

MrBloom - Yup - it's all about the jam sandwiches and the nestle cereal

Anyway, OP is looking for a nanny to help out when DS is home now - so no more need to debate the nursery issue.

Fear - Yes this would be the only time I would get off, OH works but I do not and am a full time carer. I currently get 2 days a week 'free' when the older children see their father, but with new baby there would be no time off at all.

No family / friends able to help that are close enough, well except my mother but I think I would be better leaving them with a pack of wolves then her!

Chipping - DS does go to school yes, mornings only at the moment but we hope to slowly get him back to full time eventually. Saying that he has been suspended 6 times since Sept so it's not exactly reliable school ATM.

MrBloom - You wouldn't be feeding a 4/6 month old very much but once old enough they can feed them jam / greggs / fruit shoot as much as they want!

I doubt one day a week of crap food would kill a child and to be honest most of the nurseries in my area feed a better diet than I would at home . I'm no culinary expert and have even let my children eat Mc Donalds in the past

But as Chipping pointed out, we are now looking at nanny / mother's help role instead as OH would rather baby was home on that day.

Best start reading up on tax issues etc. to educate myself!

SacreLeo - It is absolutely ridiculous that you don't qualify for any respite care :( Your DS seems (from what you have said) to have very serious SNs - how on earth do they justify suspending him? I presume he's at a main stream school - is this your choice or aren't there any good specialist schools near enough to you? You must have missed the Jam Sandwich thread a poster was complaining because once a week, for a snack (after a healthy morning snack & lunch) the children were being given either a jam sandwich or spagetti hoops on toast (her DD is 14 months) - apparently they are both evil junk food :/ Hey ho - many of us thought she was barking it was just fine, a couple agreed with her... such is life in AIBU but she got quite het up about it

Yep I agree but SS think otherwise clearly and we all know you can never question the mystical force that is SS.

The school is mainstream yes, they only suspend when he is 'a danger to himself or other children' which is a lot sadly. We are waiting for a place to come up at a specialist school so hopefully things will be better soon.

I did miss the jam sandwich thread :(
I must be very neglectful as I gave my children CHOCOLATE SPREAD sandwiches for a snack earlier in the week.

All things in moderation is my rule, banning junk / sweat food just leads to binge eating of them later. The trick to teach children to enjoy treats as part of a balanced diet.

I wouldn't do it but it is up to you totally! YANBU to make your own choice.

when i had second child when oldest with SN was 3.5 he was in nursery part time and i was off on mat leave with no help - but it was tiring. and tricky

with baby no 3 i kept full time nanny on during mat leave (i only had 16 weeks off it was in the olden days) and it made a massive difference having extra help with oldest even tho he was at nursery/school - it was summer so he was on long holidays as well.

so getting extra help is a must i would say when you ahve all 3 dc at home and if you can also organise it to have some time when baby comes to get hercared for a few hours to have time out with your partner then that has to be good.

getting a good trained babysitter/carer/home help who can care for / help with / occupy / help address the undersibale behaviours around baby for your SN child is a must. put case to SS to get direct payments to help pay for this person(s)

Well I'll keep my fingers crossed that a place comes up at the S.School soon. Hopefully they will be able to make whole days work for him and you will get a few more hours 'respite' of sorts. It's incredible that a child who is reasonably regularly suspended from school because he's a danger to himself or others isn't considered 'bad enough' to need respite... and with the cutbacks I don't suppose there is any point in hoping that will change :( I hope you can find a lovely nanny to help you out.

As for JamSandwichGate - it was unreal, I've seen less fuss made over crack cocaine!!

SacreLao

It sounds like you need Home Start. My friend used them when she had twins and her DS (ASD) was 4. They have been fantastic and did various things like doing the washing, looking after the babies so she could look after herself ie haircut, playing with DS so my friend could chill with the babies.