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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put baby in nursery?

105 replies

SacreLao · 21/10/2011 23:19

I am currently expecting baby number 3 :o

I have 2 children that are older (9 and 7 year old) so it's been a long time since I have done the baby stage, my son is severely disabled and bloody hard work at times. This is OH's first baby.

Anyway my 2 older children visit their father for 2 days a week, including overnight, so both me and OH are used to having child free days weekly and we both enjoy it. Perfect time for bonding, catching up on housework, shopping etc.

As much as we both want this new baby and will love it very much, I must admit I will miss having my child free days.

I am considering booking the baby into a nursery for one full day a week (once over 4 months) on one of our current child free days thus giving us one day a week for our bonding / being lazy etc. time.

We can afford this so finances are not an issue but is it cruel to put a baby in nursery when I am at home? The day will be OH's day off so actually we will both be at home.

I see it as no different to having a friend / family member taking baby out for a while to give us a rest, except we have no-one able to do that close by. I really feel that we will struggle without this weekly break as my son can be exhausting at times and a new baby will add to that.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 22/10/2011 00:29

i think you ahve a few issues going on -- one about new baby and wanting time with your OH on your own on regular basis - and having some time off looking after baby - which is fine ...

and two the concerns about DS and the newborn. which you can get help with from Ss (get carers to come into the home) and also school/teachers to teach him when baby is here to be gentle etc. is there a teacher who would come into the home and help? what communication does he have? what is his level of understanding?

has your ds been around babies? does he want to pick them up? does he understand you having a baby?
tbh if there is risk he will pick up baby and drop her then alarm will maybe be too late anyway?!

what is ds level of understanding? in terms of "no" etc? have school been asked to work on having a baby being careful with babies? does he get role play?

TheBrideofFrankenstein · 22/10/2011 00:29

OP if you had said you were going to work one day a week anyone who had yabu'd you would be getting a pasting as we speak.

Agree. We're allowed to leave children to go to work (so long as it's only because we need the money, not because we enjoy work- that is not allowed as it suggests we might not have sacrificed all to the baby worship cause)

ohnoshedittant · 22/10/2011 00:30

SacreLao I think you're right there is a 8-10 second delay, so would stop him carrying baby off anywhere, but could still pick up and drop!

For the home help you might want to try SNAP, they specialise in nannies/carers/home helps for families with disabled children. I've never had any personal dealing with them, but have heard good things.

TheSecondComing · 22/10/2011 00:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife · 22/10/2011 00:33

look if you lay it on to ss that the baby is at risk from your DS then you might have chance of getting some extra help at least for a few months.

but strategy has to be to teach DS to be gentle etc.

my ds ( ASD/SLD) was 3.5 when dda born and 5 when dd2 born - he would go to poke but enver tried to pick them up - but was younger.
no he does poke babies (he i nearly 15) but has never tried to pick one up. is there good reason to think DS would do this?

cestlavielife · 22/10/2011 00:34

ps i had two excellent nannies via SNAP

Kayano · 22/10/2011 00:35

I'm usually pretty good on AIBU unreasonable but the 'Kayano... Don't be a knob' comment when I was just trying to help op totally came out of left field!

And then to say you didn't call me a knob but said it was knob like behaviour Hmm just made me more Hmm

Just because it is AIBU shouldn't mean a free pass to be so rude for no reason...

Anyway op
Glad you got some
Constructive advise and I was only trying to help

TheBestWitch · 22/10/2011 00:36

We were concerned about dd picking up her brother when we brought him home. There was enough age gap for it to be possible but not enough for us to know it had suck in that she mustn't do it iyswim. Luckily she still hadn't learned to open/climb the baby gate so we used that but that obviously wouldn't be an option with an older child.
You can get vibration activated door alarms that hook over the door handle so if it's night time you're worried about you could put one on the inside of your door and close the door - providing it's not a knob style one.

Original poster
SacreLao · 22/10/2011 00:40

Cest - To answer the questions. DS has no understanding at all, he has been told we are having a baby but for all he understands about it I could have told him we will be moving to the moon. He has no communication really, he can mutter a few words but most of it does not make sense and he knows a few signs but again he does not use them in the correct context or as a communication tool, IYKWIM.

No amount of teaching him will make him understand to be gentle to the baby, as much as it hurts to say it, he is a major risk. He has a history of being aggressive to animals and also smaller children. Hence he will never be left alone with the baby and we are implementing an alarm system as a back up for when we are sleeping. He already has his bedroom door alarmed to protect my DD if he wakes in the night.

As I said earlier the room where baby is sleeping will be alarmed, the cot alarm was more of a back-up in case one alarm fails. Unlikely I know but we need to be 100% on top of security. Now thinking perhaps a video monitor as back-up is a better option.

Don't want this to turn into a 'poor me for having such a hard DS thread' so please do not think I am moaning. I love my DS very very much and am only giving the information as asked.

Ohno - I will look into SNAP, thank you for the suggestion.

OP posts:
bottlebank · 22/10/2011 00:42

be kind to yourself. the tudors wrapped their babies around boards and hooked them on the wall! Everything needs context.

1666 · 22/10/2011 00:51

Your relationship with your partner is SOOOOOO important, it really is important to have time together for yourselves to nurture that relationship.

cestlavielife · 22/10/2011 00:58

he may surprise you yet. what about visual communcaition PECS etc?

he may not understand concept of be gentle - but possibly he could be taught what he can can / cant do? when is baby due?

has any animal therapist offered to work with him with animals?

thing is, not being left alone with baby - and alarms when baby sleeping will of course work.

but during waking times - if he is a quick mover then being in same room will be tense as well... being vigilant 100 per cent is so tiring eg when we visit other people's houses i have to be totally on the ball as ds tries to run off and he can slip past you when you blink - he is gone... it isnt practical to lvie like that 24/7.

i think you have good case for SS giving you extra help when he is at home - or you getting home help in. but trained for his needs .

also is there any way - once baby is born - that you can get a behaviour specialist in to try and teach him to be gentle with baby? or at least think up with you some practical strategies to help? what about his teachers from school? behaviour specialist from LEA? educational psychologist? i think you have a very specific situation here where you need behaviour specialist to come and work with him in the home in the family set up - rather than just putting up barriers between him and baby. as in family home that wont be easy to keep up forever and every minute of the day..

sorri this is off the topic you posted but i find it interesting.

ThatsYouThatIs · 22/10/2011 01:04

YANBU
If having 5-6 hours of childfree time a week is what you need to be at your best with your DCs the rest of the week then do it. As you say, it is likely that this won't happen until youngest is 6 months +, by which time, lots of parents have returned to work full time.

Stupify64 · 22/10/2011 01:06

Would you not feel safer if you kept the new baby in your room (& it does make night-feeds etc less stressful) with a similar alarm system that you already have for DS's room?

Original poster
SacreLao · 22/10/2011 01:12

Stupify - Baby will be in our room, hence saying earlier that my bedroom door will be alarmed (for the times we are sleeping)

Cest - I do not mind at all, I could discuss my children for hours on end, and nice to see someone show an interest.

Will send you a PM if that is ok?
You seem to know what your talking about, do you work with / have a child with similar issues?

OP posts:
ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 22/10/2011 01:43

Sacre - your OP has a very different 'tone' to it than your other posts. Going by your OP I think YABU to put a very small baby in a nursery, going by your other posts I think you are NBU to do whatever it takes to make life OK. That is all I meant about putting more in your OP.

I think a sling would be a lifesaver - do you think you would/could use one?

I am another one who would use any spare money I had to get help while DS was at home, rather than paying for nursery when he is away, as I think you would get 'more' out of the money that way - but this is your life and you have to do what works for you and your family.

benne81 · 22/10/2011 03:24

Not read all the thread but I reall think you need to run this idea past your partner. This is his one day off midweek and he may be looking forward to bonding with the baby on that day. I know my husband would be really upset at the suggestion as he hates the fact he has to work and therefore has limited time with the baby. It's his first child - he will hopefully want to spend that day with him/her - why not all bond together?

Emsmaman · 22/10/2011 06:31

I think you're entirely reasonable to want/need some respite but best laid plans go astray and all that so be prepared to be flexible. I had plenty of plans and DD has turned out to be quite a high needs baby, won't take the bottle and at 7 months I have never been away from her for more than 2 hours. As much as I love her it can be stifling with no family around to help and I don't have other children or any with SN! I think the suggestion about getting home help is a good one but if you can afford it could be in addition to some childcare, what's money for if not to help you in more challenging times. Since it's been a while for you don't forget how useful ready meals and takeaways can be! (Not sure if this is a possibility with your SN child, maybe bulk cook and freeze instead!). Congrats and good luck.

Parietal · 22/10/2011 07:01

Yanbu. Baby will be fine in nursery.

NoobyNoob · 22/10/2011 07:05

I don't think YABU. I put my DS (20 months) in last year for one morning a week to give me a break.

When we found out we were expecting we uped it to two mornings, so that once the baby is here I can soley concentrate on her for a morning and not have to worry about DS.

So whatever you feel is right. For us it's worked really well. DS loves it, I have two mornings free (ATM!) to get the housework done/food shopping/nursery or whatever I need to do, and DH is happy because we are :)

BlingLoving · 22/10/2011 08:02

You could be having your first baby with no other demands on your time and YAstillNBU. I honestly dont understand this attitude whereby it's ok to leave baby in childcare if you have another, sn, child and are knackered but not if you just want a break. Frankly, either it is ok or it isn't.

My view is that of course it us ok. A baby won't break left with other caters for a few hours now and again. Lots of us leave baby with a family member for a few hours from very young. You don't have that choice.
I would explore a childminder or babysittr too - might be more flexible and the more personal care may make you feel more comfortable with it.

hairylights · 22/10/2011 08:28

Do what you want. You don't need others approval on this. Your family, your choice. Yabu to ask.

GuillotinedMaryLacey · 22/10/2011 08:36

The bit I don't understand is that your reasons are partly that your son is hard work so you need a rest. But you're going to give up on time spent sl

GuillotinedMaryLacey · 22/10/2011 08:38

...spent alone with your young baby to get that rest. Time that I would be taking advantage of to have some one to one with the new arrival that, presumably (and of course, I don't know) is hard to come by when your son is around. Seems arse about face.

bannedfromhere · 22/10/2011 08:54

Kayano - be offended all you like -do you get out much?

And yes, I'd think the same if the OP was leaving a 4 month old with her mother one day a week so she could 'bond' with her DP.

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