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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put baby in nursery?

105 replies

SacreLao · 21/10/2011 23:19

I am currently expecting baby number 3 :o

I have 2 children that are older (9 and 7 year old) so it's been a long time since I have done the baby stage, my son is severely disabled and bloody hard work at times. This is OH's first baby.

Anyway my 2 older children visit their father for 2 days a week, including overnight, so both me and OH are used to having child free days weekly and we both enjoy it. Perfect time for bonding, catching up on housework, shopping etc.

As much as we both want this new baby and will love it very much, I must admit I will miss having my child free days.

I am considering booking the baby into a nursery for one full day a week (once over 4 months) on one of our current child free days thus giving us one day a week for our bonding / being lazy etc. time.

We can afford this so finances are not an issue but is it cruel to put a baby in nursery when I am at home? The day will be OH's day off so actually we will both be at home.

I see it as no different to having a friend / family member taking baby out for a while to give us a rest, except we have no-one able to do that close by. I really feel that we will struggle without this weekly break as my son can be exhausting at times and a new baby will add to that.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
ChippingInToThePumpkinLantern · 22/10/2011 00:04

Well - I think you are doing a bit of a drip drip drip on this... it might have been better to have put all of that in your OP, it does change things a little bit.

But that aside, why not put the baby's name down, you can always turn down the day(s) when it comes to it, it's not like they wont have someone else to take the place.

I wouldn't want anyone to have my baby for a full day (though again this has changed somewhat now to a half day?) every week at 4 months 'just because', but if I was struggling with a child with SN & sleep deprived and I knew the person (DM/MIL/People at the nursery) I might consider it - but that is a lot different to doing it just to have some baby free time.

If you want well thought out answers to a question that involves a lot of factors, it's much better to put them in the OP then you will get more tailored answers.

TheSecondComing · 22/10/2011 00:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrightNight · 22/10/2011 00:06

Be the parent you need to be. How can anyone but you know the demands f your existing DC. If you feel your choices will make you a better parent, follow your instinct x

Kayano · 22/10/2011 00:08

I'm not a knob Shock

Just find the question 'why are you even having this baby?' really offensive and it must hurt Op rather than help her

I also don't think op has been drip feeding either and I am usually the first one to call a drip feeder! She clearly stated in op that she had a SN child and found it very hard work and this was just an option she was considering.

Don't call me a knob just for putting my opinion Angry

Original poster
SacreLao · 22/10/2011 00:09

Apologies chipping, some of the information was not strictly relavant until other posters asked questions and commented.

The main reason for wanting this free day is for me and OH to spend time together etc.

Bonding as a family is lovely yes and will happen on the other 6 days of the week but I really for one feel like I need a break from DS and the 2 days I have free now are a god-send.

I suppose I am worried that no longer having those days free will be hard, it may not be and we may have an 'easy' baby but if we don't then I imagine by the time DS comes home from his dad's I will too exhausted to deal with him.

OH does not think this will a problem but OH if not home much on days when DS is home and so does not fully understand how exhausting he is. For one he NEEDS constant supervision.

No idea how I will supervise a 7 year old at all times while dealing with a newborn but hey i'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Perhaps I should just go back to work for one day a week, that will be a break comapred to home!

OP posts:
ohnoshedittant · 22/10/2011 00:12

YANBU to want a day to yourself.

Having worked in nurseries there is no way I'd put a baby in one (that's my personal view). You could use a childminder or nanny for one day a week.

Original poster
SacreLao · 22/10/2011 00:12

TSC - I suppose 'bond' is a strange word.

I mean it as in have quality time together, so we don't just raise children together and actually still make time to talk / catch up / eat together / share interests etc.

If that makes more sense.

OP posts:
GothAnneGeddes · 22/10/2011 00:13

I think what the YABUers are missing is that you have a severely disabled child, in that situation, you need any bit of respite you can get, YANBU

For such a small baby, a childminder might be better as it's home from home.

TheBestWitch · 22/10/2011 00:15

I wonder how many people getting on their high horse have their babies 24 hrs a day seven days a week with no family help. Judging by the 'what age did your baby first stay at grannies?' threads on here I'd say very few.
I don't think wanting to plan a day a week adult time is odd at all. The OP has got used to it and enjoys it. She will be spending the other six days bonding as a family. Asking why the OP is having a child is ridiculous.
Many parents have to go to work with a young child and it makes no odds to the baby if you are at work or at home.
Despite the fact I've never left mine I'm pretty sure it would have been easier to leave them as young babies when they slept a lot of the day than clingy older toddlers.
OP do what is right for you and your family.

Original poster
SacreLao · 22/10/2011 00:15

Goth - The age is just a guess by the way, I said from 4 months upwards as I am expecting it to take around this amount of time to 'settle' as a family.

It may end up being 6/7/8 months old, and that's if we do decide to go ahead. Not yet spoken to OH yet about it all.

I agree I would normally consider a childminder as I much prefer them but as I stated earlier, I know this nursery very very well and it truely is the best childcare setting I can imagine.

OP posts:
ohnoshedittant · 22/10/2011 00:17

oh and those 'cot death' alarms go off when the baby is picked up so would do the job if you can't find an alarmed mattress.

Original poster
SacreLao · 22/10/2011 00:17

Thank you Witch.

I do wonder how many people would be shocked if I had of said 'one day a week at grannies house'

But this is AIBU and so I am fully prepared to be told that I am :)

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 22/10/2011 00:17

maybe from what you saying the money is better spent getting extra pair of hands to help you at home when all three dc are going to be there, to help your DS iwith SN n dealing with new baby and learning to be gentle with her etc. or getting extra help from ss for carer for DS for this reason.

nothing wrong in putting baby in care of others for few hours when other dcs out with dad - as well as this - but maybe oh will actually want to have this time as you and him with baby?

Original poster
SacreLao · 22/10/2011 00:20

ohno - Have you tried with one?

From what I gathered they go off after 10 seconds?

I want one that will go off as soon as the weight is lessened if you see what I mean?

In 10 seconds a baby can be lifted and dropped on the floor, an imidate alarm would work best for us.

DS is scared of loud noises so if it does happen it will only happen once and we will be VERY vigilant but of course want back-up plans in place as we all know it only takes you to turn your back for a second.

OP posts:
TheBrideofFrankenstein · 22/10/2011 00:20

Op- YANBU. Just do it. Everyone needs a break. However, many people on MN thinking you are only an adequate parent if you dedicate every last second of your life to your children and end up a burnt out husk who hasnt had more than 3 hours sleep for 10 years, with no interests and no conversation beyond little Johnny's reading scheme achievements.

Well, these people may be disappointed to discover that there are no prizes for martyrdom. That's all I'm saying.

KatieMortician · 22/10/2011 00:21

I wouldn't put any baby under a year old into nursery. I would leave them with one-to-one care from a nanny or trusted babysitter.

YANBU to think of the added strain a baby will place on your relationship and how you will cope. That's a good, sensible thing to do. YAbvu if you don't consider all the options and allow yourself some flexibilty, including the option to change you mind at any time and to change it back.

cestlavielife · 22/10/2011 00:21

but for older baby yes definitely - baby will benefit .

TheSecondComing · 22/10/2011 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBestWitch · 22/10/2011 00:22

OP if you had said you were going to work one day a week anyone who had yabu'd you would be getting a pasting as we speak.

Heaven forbid anyone with a demanding child with a disability want any 'selfish' respite Hmm.

I think you will have yourself a nice balance of 5 days with everyone, a day with you, your partner and the new baby and a day of adult time and rest. It sounds lovely and I'm jealous!

Original poster
SacreLao · 22/10/2011 00:23

Cest - Fantastic idea actually!!

It had not even occured to me to hire home help.
Will look into this option, thank you very much!

That may actually work better all round as the days when it's just me, OH and baby will not be so hard having had an easier week as opposed to being exhausted by then and wanting some free time.

OP posts:
Kayano · 22/10/2011 00:25

Ok TSC, get off on a technicality of phrasing Hmm

Want2bSupermum · 22/10/2011 00:25

I am a little bit surprised by some of the posts. My DD is 3.5 months and I started her at daycare last week and went back to work this week. You do what is right for your family and your baby.

If DD wasn't ready I wouldn't have gone back to work. As it is I do 3 days a week and will go back to full time in December. DD seems to be thriving and does lots of things during the day that I wouldn't even think of doing.

TheBestWitch · 22/10/2011 00:25

Jut realised that was massively insensitive. I meant it sounds like a good set up you're planning not that I'm jealous of your family circumstances as it sounds very hard Blush

Original poster
SacreLao · 22/10/2011 00:26

Thank you TSC

I never once felt like you were attacking me don't worry!
I can understand it makes a few people Hmm and to be fair I may have done myself a few years ago.

We have asked for SS to help with respite many times but have been told no so that is not an option (forgot who suggested it now sorry).

OP posts:
Original poster
SacreLao · 22/10/2011 00:27

TBW - I understood what you meant :o

OP posts: