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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally shocked by how rude this man was and totally impressed by my poor dh

175 replies

noonar · 21/10/2011 19:56

my dh is very sexy, objectively handsome and a lovely man.

he happens to shave his head, as he would otherwise have very little hair.

so... that means he's bald.

tonight, dd2 (7)was brought home after tea by the dad of a friend of hers. dh had never met him before.

whilst playing at the friend's house, they had a little makeover session and sprayed dd's hair with coloured spray.

as they approached the house and walked towards us, dh exclaimed 'oh look- dd has orange hair!', to which the father responded:

'as opposed to her daddy, who has absolutely no hair'

neither dh nor i responded. i was too shocked and embarrassed to speak.

dh, on the other hand said nothing until half an hour later when he spoke in an incredibly reasonable way about the incident. he said that sometimes people feel socially awkward and say things about being bald without thinking. he said that the man was probably cringing all the way home, and that he did not respond as he didnt want to create an awkward situation that could not be easily put right.

he said that he would give this man the benefit of the doubt on this occasion, asbut if in future he continued to be a twat, that he'd put him in his place.

AIBU to feel cross that people find bald jokes A) funny and B) socially acceptable? but i am also v v proud of my dh's measured response.

OP posts:
Original poster
noonar · 21/10/2011 21:47

badmummy, our 7yo dd came home sprayed orange and covered in glitter and eyeshadow. the dad said, 'sorry, they did a makeover' to which dh said 'dd, youve got orange hair!'. you kinda had to comment on it!

OP posts:
badmummy101 · 21/10/2011 21:47

So? It was a comment about the way another person looked. His lack of hair could have been through him choosing to shave it, how would the other dad know?

JeremyVile · 21/10/2011 21:49

A shaven bald head is a very different thing to a naturally balding head.

A shaven head to me is a (no)hairstyle.

No different to him saying "as opposed to her daddy, who has a mohican" if he did indeed have a mohican. And I assume that wouldnt have caused your or your DH offense? Or perhaps it would.... Confused

herbietea · 21/10/2011 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BlueKangaroo22 · 21/10/2011 21:52

randommess, my dd is a redhead, shes only 4 months old but ive heard a few comments, most nice comments, e.g oh your daughters hair is lovely, which is nice, but ive had the odd 'oh your baby is ginger..' -like its a bad thing! ive never understood why having red hair is such a setback.

It is sweet when people look from me and my dp (both blonde) and ask where she got the hair colour from, i direct their attention to dps beard which when it gets fairly long gets red bits in it. :)

BlueKangaroo22 · 21/10/2011 21:53

and the scruffy git doesnt shave all that often! :D

BlueKangaroo22 · 21/10/2011 21:53

sorry that was meant to be :o

Original poster
noonar · 21/10/2011 21:54

jeremy.my dh is naturally bald. he has the tiniest bit of hair left around the sides , which he shaves off to avoid the friar tuck look.

bad mummy, you must be very stupid. it was our daughter. they had sprayed her orange. would you not say anything?

thankyou milly. someone said i need a thicker skin. the fact that i've stuck it out this long on this thread suggests that i already have one.

OP posts:
stripeybumpinthenight · 21/10/2011 21:54

No-one's mentioned this: men use banter like this as a bonding thing - your DH was prob supposed to hurl an insult straight back before doing some backslapping. Women don't bond in the same way. The personal insults that fly around my male friends can be breathtakingly rude to an outsider's ear, but they have big grins on their face - it's like a competition to see who can verbally spar the best.

Maybe he misjudged the situation and was over-familiar, but I think you're reading far too much into it.

I think you sound patronising too - your DH sounds like he took it in the spirit in which it was intended and you have become offended on his behalf.

edam · 21/10/2011 21:54

wow. Amazing the reasons people can find to take offence. Your dh chooses to shave his head, that is an obvious contrast to your dd's hairstyle, the guy commented on it. Have him put up against a wall and shot, why don't you!

JamieComeHome · 21/10/2011 21:55

noonar - you are a braver woman than I

Jux · 21/10/2011 21:56

My brother started losing his hair when he was 15. If he or his wife (now ex) had ever been this sensitive about it, I don't think either of them would have survived! I think you're being incredibly patronising to your 'poor dh', and I think he needs to accept the fact that no one will ever know whether he's shaved his head because of incipient baldness or because he likes it like that.

Loosen up, really.

skybluepearl · 21/10/2011 21:58

Have you had a humour bypass OP?

Joolyjoolyjoo · 21/10/2011 21:59

Noonar- in your defence (and thinking about it some more) I might have had a side-long glance at DH to see how he had taken the comment, but I know he can stick up for himself, so I wouldn't have felt upset on his behalf, as such. Just more worried about what DH might say back (he is not renowned for his tact and diplomacy!) If he had decided to let it go, I wouldn't have thought further about it.

Similarly if someone shouted the old "ginger minge" at me as we were walking down the street, I'm pretty sure DH would let me deal with it.

Please don't get me wrong- I'm not trying to say you are being too over-protective of your DH- it's nice that you feel on his behalf. But maybe you need to have a bit more faith in his ability to handle and deal with the situation (as he subsequently did Smile) Your DH sounds reasonable and lovely- well-equipped to deal with the occasional faux pas. Be proud of him.

Original poster
noonar · 21/10/2011 21:59

edam and jeremy is that what you think? that my dh has a 'shaved hairstyle' ? he is a bald man who has been losing his hair since the age of 21. he shaves off the tiny, tiny, tiny bit of hair he has left around the sides.

god, if people thought i was reacting to a hairstyle choice, no wonder they thought i was over sensitive.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 21/10/2011 21:59

jux, they will know, but that is besides the point Smile

JeremyVile · 21/10/2011 22:00

No, I'm sorry a completely shaved head is an entirely different look to a balding top and hair round the sides.

No one who looks at a person with a clearly shaven head knows that the natural state is friar tuck-esque.

Plenty of men shave as a style choice.

Noticing something about a persons appearance, which is a CHOICE cant be a bad thing, unless you're saying something negative about it.

You're wearing a purple dress - neutrel statement of fact.
You're wearing a horrible purple dress - a negative statement based on personal opinion.

ivykaty44 · 21/10/2011 22:01

If you make any type of comment about someones person may offend as they may be sensitive about it - or so many people have mentioned it is began grating 1000 years ago.

It might even seem like a positive to you but could be a negative to them.

I find men without hair far far more attractive and down right sexy.

Original poster
noonar · 21/10/2011 22:04

sorry, jeremy, am confused. are you telling me that my dh isnt actually bald, or this other man wouldve noticed, and that i am mistaken?

i think it was a mistake in my OP to say that dh sahves. this crrates the wrong mental image. he does shave but only the 20 percent of hair follicles that he has left.

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 21/10/2011 22:05

(sorry, only read first 4 pages)

I'm astounded that so many people think that it's perfectly socially acceptable to make a comment about someone's appearance if they have only just met. Would you do it to a colleague in work you'd just been introduced to? i doubt it. It's just not good manners, really, until you get to know the person much more. Especially when it's accepted that some men DO have a complex about going bald. It's just......gauche.

Original poster
noonar · 21/10/2011 22:05

'shaves' 'creates'

OP posts:
MissPenteuth · 21/10/2011 22:07

Would anyone who met your DH be able to tell that he had shaved his head due to hair loss rather than a hairstyle choice though? I think that's the point people are making OP.

ThePerfectFather · 21/10/2011 22:08

Bald Dad here checking into a thread about Bald Dads.

When you first go bald, it's the worst thing ever. I was about 25 when it started and I was just distraught and mourned my hair the way you would mourn the declining health of a favourite relative. Then you realise there are a million more important things in life, and that there are tons and tons of bald men out there to commiserate with and that once you get married and your wife doesn't care about your shiny head, you really shouldn't either. And if she is shocked and appalled at your lack of hair, she should get a grip. It's hair. My back and my arse are COVERED in it love, dig in if you like!

A lot of people think baldness is just something to make fun of and no big deal. I've been used as a landmark in an office plenty of times - i.e. "over there between the printer and the bald guy" - and most blokes genuinely see it this way, as just something to take the piss out of someone about. Like being a ginger or being Scottish or being a Scouser. It's just something to target. Men tend to be very quick to take the piss out of each other. To me, if someone is making fun of me it generally means we're getting along. If they suddenly turn to me and say "you bald fucker get away from me" then something is awry.

I get stick about it all the time, and all you can do is laugh it off because otherwise, you're taking your lack of hair waaaay more seriously than anybody else is. If people think it's no big deal, they will make fun of you about it. If they think it IS a big deal, they will tiptoe around the issue.

Nobody ever makes fun of someone with a hairlip the way they make fun of someone with no hair. Why? Because one issue is serious and not funny, and the other is no big deal and something that doesn't affect your life in any way unless you're a big fanny who is obsessed with hair gel.

JeremyVile · 21/10/2011 22:09

Well of course he is bald. He shaves.

His natural state - from what you describe - is balding.

Very dfferent looks imo.

Shaven looks like a choice, a statement. Its not a negative, just a part of that persons 'look'.

Balding is just exactly that. And less likely to be referred to in a casual way as per your op because most people realise men can feel touchy about it.

Original poster
noonar · 21/10/2011 22:09

bloody hell, absolutely they could tell the difference. you get a shininess to the skin without hair follicles, which is what dh is self conscious about.

OP posts: