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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be totally shocked by how rude this man was and totally impressed by my poor dh

175 replies

noonar · 21/10/2011 19:56

my dh is very sexy, objectively handsome and a lovely man.

he happens to shave his head, as he would otherwise have very little hair.

so... that means he's bald.

tonight, dd2 (7)was brought home after tea by the dad of a friend of hers. dh had never met him before.

whilst playing at the friend's house, they had a little makeover session and sprayed dd's hair with coloured spray.

as they approached the house and walked towards us, dh exclaimed 'oh look- dd has orange hair!', to which the father responded:

'as opposed to her daddy, who has absolutely no hair'

neither dh nor i responded. i was too shocked and embarrassed to speak.

dh, on the other hand said nothing until half an hour later when he spoke in an incredibly reasonable way about the incident. he said that sometimes people feel socially awkward and say things about being bald without thinking. he said that the man was probably cringing all the way home, and that he did not respond as he didnt want to create an awkward situation that could not be easily put right.

he said that he would give this man the benefit of the doubt on this occasion, asbut if in future he continued to be a twat, that he'd put him in his place.

AIBU to feel cross that people find bald jokes A) funny and B) socially acceptable? but i am also v v proud of my dh's measured response.

OP posts:

KittyFane · 21/10/2011 20:21

YABU OP :(
It was a joke and a bit overfamiliar on first meeting but that's all. DH would have laughed if this had happened here because in a way, this man is trying to break the ice. I would agree with your DH. People say strange things when embarrassed (at meeting new people) You are bring precious though OP.

Hungrydragon · 21/10/2011 20:23

wilfully bald

TheOriginalFAB · 21/10/2011 20:27

I think the tone of voice used is all important.

Original poster

noonar · 21/10/2011 20:31

the thing is people, is that i know my dh is really self conscious about his hair and finds it hurtful being the butt of jokes. but i am proud of him because he has learnt to shrug off the jokes, even though they are hurtful.

i am obv in a minority here, but my point is this...

to those of you who are saying that it should be laughed off ... do you have anything that your'e self conscious about? maybe a big nose? bad teeth? a fat arse? would it not be rude of me to point out the objective fatness of your arse on first meeting?

why get offended? i only made an observation. you have , after all, made yourself willfully fat through eating too much cake .[hhmm]

OP posts:

worraliberty · 21/10/2011 20:35

The huge difference here noonar is that shaved heads are fashionable.

Men with a full head of hair often get their heads shaved because it's a style they like.

Therefore, saying your DH 'has none' is not an insult...it's a fact.

Original poster

noonar · 21/10/2011 20:41

but worra, my dh is going bald and he is self conscious about it.

it may be just an observation for you/others, but for him its a personal comment.

i'm struggling to see why thats so hard for most people to grasp, although i accept that this man may not have realised how personal the remark would feel for my dh.

i can see that everyone here thinks i'm a saddo who has over reacted, but my dh is quite distressed about losing his hair, so i took offence on his behalf.

OP posts:

AliceH123 · 21/10/2011 20:46

noonar. I think worral is right - the difference is that shaved heads are in fashion. I have (very) curly hair and I have always been self conscious about it. But when curly hair was fashionable (in the 80's), I would not have taken offence if a stranger had said, 'your hair is really curly!' - because it was not said as an insult.
Shaved heads are fashionable - therefore commenting on a shaved head is not rude.
Big nose, bad teeth and fat bums have never been fashionable - therefore making an observation about these is rude.

MillyR · 21/10/2011 20:46

Maybe it is this issue of considering him to 'objectively handsome.'

Maybe if you just considered him to be ordinary like the rest of us, who have things like crooked teeth, baldness, middle age bottoms, huge pores and so on, he wouldn't be so self conscious about a physical trait that is just part of life.

TheScarlettPimpernel · 21/10/2011 20:47

I think you both sound slightly pompous and sensitive.

However I also (genuinely) think it's very nice that you are so sensitive to your husband's feelings and want to defend him :)

KittyFane · 21/10/2011 20:48

If someone was clumsily trying to make a joke, I would feel sorry for them for coming across as a bit of a plonker.

I am used to bring insulted unintentionally as I teach 11-16 year olds. They are always coming out with stuff- 'what's that on your chin' (massive zit.) 'were you thin when you were younger' 'my mum is your age but she looks younger than you'. 'miss, are you having another baby?' (no, I'm just fat).
I am not sensitive about my very less than perfect appearance.
Life is too short.
This man didn't know what to say and just blurted something out.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 21/10/2011 20:50

I'm another "ginger" (hate hate hate that word) married to a balding-but-willfully-bald man. I love the way he looks (very Vin Diesel ) He is also buff (mmm!) I don't think he would have given this comment a second thought, tbh and neither would I. I get more hacked off at the fact that my hair colour entitles random fuckwits to shout things at me in the street, truth be told. But I doubt DH would take offence on my behalf.

verlainechasedrimbauds · 21/10/2011 20:52

You're offended on his behalf and feel protective towards him - and that's quite sweet, or kind (less patronising?) - but you said yourself that he shrugged it off (and indeed seemed to be at pains to reassure YOU). He's an adult, and an adult without much hair, I would expect him to cope with a few jokes to be honest. The chap didn't turn up and say "oi, you miserable slaphead you look like a right thug".

You are definitely overthinking it and being far too protective towards a grown man who I am quite sure has had worse things said to him!

Original poster

noonar · 21/10/2011 20:53

oh yeah milly, thats right, he's upset about losing his hair because of me ????

my point was that i dont have an issue with it and like him as he is!

just because shaved heads are fashionable, doesnt mean my dh cant feel that its a personal comment. surely you can see that?

having read the responses to this thread, maybe i did overreact ,in terms of not realising that the man might not see it as so personal as i did.

i know how sensitive my dh is, and that he finds it really tiresome to hear bald jokes on a daily basis. thats why i was proud of him for having leant to shrug it off.

OP posts:

blinkineck · 21/10/2011 20:54

Honestly OP. If the only thing your dh has to worry about is going bald he's a very lucky guy. I think you should both work on developing a sense of humour.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/10/2011 20:55

I haven't read any other posts yet but my immediate thought was that the other dad thought the comment about DD's hair being orange was a criticism perhaps of a make-over that had gone a bit far? I know of some parents who don't like sprays and glitter in hair and would have a fit at a coloured spray.

I'd agree with your husband that this guy might be socially awkward and just blurted something out to deflect from what he maybe perceived as critcism?

I don't know, but it probably wasn't intended as an insult or the way that it came out and perhaps the other dad is cringing at his own social ineptitude.

Arachnophobic · 21/10/2011 20:55

Shaved heads are not fashionable. Maybe 10/15 years ago but not now. They are convenient for this with no hair.

I would have been offended, not by the content of the comment, but the overfamiliarity from a stranger.

Ephiny · 21/10/2011 20:55

I don't normally like personal comments like that, especially when you don't know the person very well and don't know what might be a sensitive point for them. However the man probably was just trying to make a joke or friendly/light-hearted comment, not to be offensive or hurtful, sometimes these things just come out a bit wrong. I think your DHs reaction was a good one.

I can understand your feelings though. I would be if anyone made a critical comment about my DP too!

verlainechasedrimbauds · 21/10/2011 20:55

pinkyredrose · 21/10/2011 20:55

Am repeating my earlier post as I think it needs repeating

But he does have no hair! I really don't see the problem unless you equate being bald with being a 'bad thing' that attention must not be drawn towards.

Arachnophobic · 21/10/2011 20:55

those

RattusRattus · 21/10/2011 20:58

YABU. The man made a statement of fact that wasn't rude.

Original poster

noonar · 21/10/2011 20:59

verlaine, youre right, i feel protective towards him.

my dh hasnt over thought anything, i promise you. it was me asking him about how he felt/ his lack of reaction. so its unfair for people to suggest he has over reacted.

it was a shock for me, as this guy was a total stranger to dh . i have met him once. brifely.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/10/2011 20:59

I too am now laughing at Worra's description of her ex as a roll-on deodorant....

JamieComeHome · 21/10/2011 20:59

YANBU

I think it was a rude remark - but borne of insecurity. IME, men often make remarks about other mens baldness, or fat tummies

People who say men aren't bitchy are wrong

MillyR · 21/10/2011 21:02

Noonar, your statement wasn't that you liked him as he is, your statement was that he was 'objectively handsome.'

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