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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally shocked by how rude this man was and totally impressed by my poor dh

175 replies

noonar · 21/10/2011 19:56

my dh is very sexy, objectively handsome and a lovely man.

he happens to shave his head, as he would otherwise have very little hair.

so... that means he's bald.

tonight, dd2 (7)was brought home after tea by the dad of a friend of hers. dh had never met him before.

whilst playing at the friend's house, they had a little makeover session and sprayed dd's hair with coloured spray.

as they approached the house and walked towards us, dh exclaimed 'oh look- dd has orange hair!', to which the father responded:

'as opposed to her daddy, who has absolutely no hair'

neither dh nor i responded. i was too shocked and embarrassed to speak.

dh, on the other hand said nothing until half an hour later when he spoke in an incredibly reasonable way about the incident. he said that sometimes people feel socially awkward and say things about being bald without thinking. he said that the man was probably cringing all the way home, and that he did not respond as he didnt want to create an awkward situation that could not be easily put right.

he said that he would give this man the benefit of the doubt on this occasion, asbut if in future he continued to be a twat, that he'd put him in his place.

AIBU to feel cross that people find bald jokes A) funny and B) socially acceptable? but i am also v v proud of my dh's measured response.

OP posts:
MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 21/10/2011 21:03

Calling someone overweight is rude...bald...no so much! He was joking! Does DH hate having no hair?

Original poster
noonar · 21/10/2011 21:04

my dh is going bald and he is self conscious about it.

pinkymy turn to repeat something! why can so few people see that going bald is a potentially sensitive issue.

OP posts:
AuraofDora · 21/10/2011 21:04

arachnophobia they may not be fashionable in a russel brand young man foppish fey style if that is what you mean? ...the shaved heads no hair look is sported by fair few fellas, wilfully as has been mentioned so it is perceived as an observation...

fat arse - wouldnt point it out on first or even subsequent meetings

bad teeth big nose - would assume the owner already knows

i like the imperfections in people anyhow, many of my friends have less than Hollywood teeth dontcha know..

JamieComeHome · 21/10/2011 21:05

I do see it. My DB has been balding since he was in his early 20s, and because there's not a thing you can do about it, and because he's a man and it's not "done" to be sensitive, he just gets on with it. I would never make a comment about it, but I have noticed several other men do, even my dad.

Original poster
noonar · 21/10/2011 21:06

he is objectively handsome, not sure why that was relevant. just trying to paint a picture, i guess. why do you see that as so significant, milly?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 21/10/2011 21:07

Ok noonar, I guess the guy was over familiar. I'm sorry if ur DH was upset by the comment.

Personally I think guys with no hair look great, there's alot of guys who actually look better with no hair. Bruce Willis anyone? The guy from Right said Fred? (showing my age now)

JamieComeHome · 21/10/2011 21:08

I think (don't know), that for many men, being bald is the worst thing they can think of happening to them,(even though for many women it's low down on the list of offputting physical traits) so it's on their mind IYSWIM. Possibly this man did not mean to be offensive, but it was insensitive to comment on another's appearance.

LynetteScavo · 21/10/2011 21:10

YABU

It was a quip..not one I would have made, but I wouldn't have been offended in the slightest if someone had said it about my DH.

If it had been said about a woman who had lost her hair though cancer treatment, it would have been very tactless, and I would have presumed the person to have said it to be clumsy and nervous, or stupid and rude, depending on how generous I was feeling.

I like men with bald heads. Not an issue for me.

I hate a come over. Not a good look.

If your DH was grey, and the other dad had said "unlike her dad who has no colour at all!" would you be as offended?

Hungrydragon · 21/10/2011 21:11

noonar......I did tell you Sad, women posting on here worried about thinning hair NEVER get told they are lucky that's the only problem they have. Most people don't realise that many men find it distressing.

LynetteScavo · 21/10/2011 21:12

Men shouldn't find it distressing.

Because lots of woman find it mighty fine.

Spread the word.

AliceH123 · 21/10/2011 21:13

noonar - are you bothered about your 'objectively handsome' DH losing his hair? Is this why you are overreacting to a flippant comment about it?

JamieComeHome · 21/10/2011 21:16

As several of us have said we like men with bald heads. But that's not the point here. I think it's a man-man thing, as I mentioned above.

Lots of men find curvy women attractive, but lots of women are very self-conscious about big bums etc, so for another women to make a comment about it, is more upsetting.

Original poster
noonar · 21/10/2011 21:17

Not an issue for me. PRECISELY, LYNNETT not for you becuase its not you whose losing your hair! dh has been losing his hair since his early twenties, and as jamie clearly understands, this can be an issue for the person whose hair it is, and those who want to protect their feelings.

it's funny how some of you think you can conclude that becuase i am protective of my dh regarding the one thing he is self conscious about that i am some sad person who is no fun. good old mumsnet... wonder if youre all so charming in real life Grin

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 21/10/2011 21:20

verlaine- love it! thanks for the link Grin (and so true!)

notlettingthefearshow · 21/10/2011 21:20

Doesn't seem rude to me either! YABU and oversensitive.

Original poster
noonar · 21/10/2011 21:20

alice, my dh has been losing his hair since he was 21. he's 40 now. we've been together since i was 18. i cant remember him with a full head of hair. trust me, that is so not the issue.

OP posts:
herbietea · 21/10/2011 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
noonar · 21/10/2011 21:22

i think i need to try and walk away from this, as most people quite understandably respond only to the OP, and not to any of the subsequent points that i have made, to extend the discussion. this is getting frustrating. not in terms of me not being agreed with, but in terms of the dialogue not moving forward.

OP posts:
MillyR · 21/10/2011 21:23

Noonar, I think it is relevant because you do. It gives the impression that you believe other people find your husband attractive, and is therefore somehow more peculiar/odd/socially awkward for somebody to point out his baldness.

If Jude Law walked into the room, who is a very sexy, objectively handsome and balding man, and somebody's immediate response was to comment on his his lack of hair, that would be rather strange.

By mentioning the handsome issue it does seem as if you have rather an issue with your husband's looks which might make you a bit more sensitive to comments about his appearance that are not overwhelmingly complimentary.

KittyFane · 21/10/2011 21:24

OP 'why can so few people see that going bald is a potentially sensitive issue'
Because men lose their hair. It's (apparently) evolutionary, signifying the end of puberty - evidence that a male is now a man, not a boy.
The majority of men are bald so it's not really a big deal in the greater scheme of things.

pinkyredrose · 21/10/2011 21:24

I think Jamie had a good point actually. The other guy wasn't to know that your DH was sensitive about losing his hair, he prob thought it was a 'throw away' comment.

But yup alot of men find my curvy arse attractive but I don't and don't want attention drawn to it. I'm now seeing where you're coming from OP.

AliceH123 · 21/10/2011 21:24

ok noonar - no offence meant I just wanted to clarify that. I don't think you are a sad person who isn't any fun. But I do think you are misreading the situation and I hope you don't hold the comment against your daughter's friend's dad. I've said things myself about people's appearance without meaning any offence and would hate to think I caused any hurt.

Original poster
noonar · 21/10/2011 21:25

herbie, that comment illustrates my point exactly...i already conceded what you just said earlier. but you didnt read the whole thread. dont blame you. but tis frustrating for me.

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 21/10/2011 21:26

Noonar, on a serious note, my DH is possibly slightly self-concious about his lack of tresses, but he has long since come to terms with it, and would laugh it off- it's not as if he can change it.

But I really can't imagine him with hair! I genuinely love the way he looks, and I would hate to have a bloke who ponced about with hair products and styles, and he knows that. I think what is seeming to come across in your posts (and is q. possibly not true?) is that you see his lack of hair as something distressing and feel the need to "protect" his feelings, because you too would secretly prefer him to have a full mullet?? I think that is where some posters are coming from.

JamieComeHome · 21/10/2011 21:26

Right, I've got really hairy arms and have made my peace with that. Sometimes I catch other women looking at my arms with a quizzical or even appalled look. If someone were to say something to me about them I'd think that they were a) rude but b) more importantly, I'd sort of feel a bit superior about their lack of tact, because I'd think "well I'm putting up with something you are clearly so scared about happening to you that you have to comment on it"

That's the analogy I can think of here. The only difference is, I could do something about my hairy arms if I wanted, but it's a PITA to do that and as I said, whilst it's not something I'd choose, I don't think it makes me unattractive.

I don't know if any of that makes sense.