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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be totally shocked by how rude this man was and totally impressed by my poor dh

175 replies

noonar · 21/10/2011 19:56

my dh is very sexy, objectively handsome and a lovely man.

he happens to shave his head, as he would otherwise have very little hair.

so... that means he's bald.

tonight, dd2 (7)was brought home after tea by the dad of a friend of hers. dh had never met him before.

whilst playing at the friend's house, they had a little makeover session and sprayed dd's hair with coloured spray.

as they approached the house and walked towards us, dh exclaimed 'oh look- dd has orange hair!', to which the father responded:

'as opposed to her daddy, who has absolutely no hair'

neither dh nor i responded. i was too shocked and embarrassed to speak.

dh, on the other hand said nothing until half an hour later when he spoke in an incredibly reasonable way about the incident. he said that sometimes people feel socially awkward and say things about being bald without thinking. he said that the man was probably cringing all the way home, and that he did not respond as he didnt want to create an awkward situation that could not be easily put right.

he said that he would give this man the benefit of the doubt on this occasion, asbut if in future he continued to be a twat, that he'd put him in his place.

AIBU to feel cross that people find bald jokes A) funny and B) socially acceptable? but i am also v v proud of my dh's measured response.

OP posts:
KittyFane · 21/10/2011 21:26

OP, 19 years is a lot of years spent fretting :(

Original poster
noonar · 21/10/2011 21:30

milly i am not some shallow person who places too much emphasis on looks. i think you are reading too much in to my 'objectively handsome' comment. my dh feels bad about losing his hair but i was making the point that he's still gorgeous anyway. maybe because when it comes to his hair, my default setting is to say 'youre still gorgeous, no matter what' as i feel naturally protective of him (plus, it is what i think)

OP posts:
herbietea · 21/10/2011 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

AnyPhantomFucker · 21/10/2011 21:31

OP, you do need to chill out

am not sure who has the biggest chip on your shoulder here...you or your bald husband

you say you are getting pissed off at the dialogue moving on ?

take your own advice, dude

LeBOOOf · 21/10/2011 21:31

I don't think the OP has been fretting for nineteen years though, has she? It just feels like that because the thread is going round in circles Grin

AnyPhantomFucker · 21/10/2011 21:32

not moving on

JamieComeHome · 21/10/2011 21:32

Perhaps the other man is jealous? Perhaps he (subconsciously) thinks "bloody hell, here he is, bald as a coot, and yet manages to be sexy as well. I must redress the cosmic balance by mentioning his lack of hair"

JamieComeHome · 21/10/2011 21:33

not sure I'm helping with the chilling out/going round in circles issue

Original poster
noonar · 21/10/2011 21:36

jool, thanks for that post. it was helpful. i am very much aware that i havent come across well, for whatever reason.

its quite simple really, when you care about someone and someone makes a remark that you know will hurt them, there is the potential to want to leap to their defence and feel mortified on their behalf. its weird for me to read jool's post and realise that people might think I am worried about the hair loss myself, as i dislike it. i find myself shaking my head in disbelief at that!

jamie, you've got my point.

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 21/10/2011 21:36

totally shocked

rude

totally impressed

poor dh

The patronising one is you, I am afraid

my DH is losing his hair, but he would't be impressed at me losing my cool at a throwaway comment nor at being called "poor dh" on an internet forum

men lose their hair

my boobs ain't what they were

if he posted somewhere "poor dw her boobs are not what they were" I would be fucking incensed

only I can say that...saying that for someone else implies people have a reason to feel sorry for them

Hardgoing · 21/10/2011 21:36

I think the dad felt slightly criticized by the 'oh look, dd's got orange hair' and said the first thing that came into his head. He might have replayed it and thought 'why did I say that?' (especially as you didn't respond or laugh, it was reasonably amusing if you are not hair-sensitive). He might have thought nothing of it.

To take a comparison, I have ginger hair. If my daughter walked up the path with orange hair and I said 'oh look, dd's got orange hair' and the dad quipped 'yes, it's not as orange as yours though' with a smile, I might think about it for a second, but I wouldn't find it offensive in the slightest and I would laugh (as I love my golden ginger hair colour). Offensive is someone asking me quite seriously if I thought their grandchild was going to be disadvantaged, you know, being born a ginger.

In short, you are unreasonably self-conscious about this because your husband is too, I think that's a shame, as I love bald men with shaved heads.

LeBOOOf · 21/10/2011 21:38
Joolyjoolyjoo · 21/10/2011 21:39

See that's it- you say he is "still gorgeous anyway", whereas I genuinely think my DH is gorgeous full stop. (And was actually far less gorgeous when he did have hair!)

At our wedding my dad's speech involved pictures of DH and me as children. I had virtually no hair until I was 2 (my mum spent a disproportionate amount of money on hats!) but now have lots of very curly red hair and, according to my dad's comment on my photo aged 9 "enough freckles to qualify as a deformity!" DH had a huge mass of wiry hair as a child and , obviously, now has none. It was funny, and neither of us was offended, but that's possibly because, admittedly, it was among family and friends.

DogsBeastFiend · 21/10/2011 21:39

Isn't the fact that YOU think your DH is gorgeous regardless of the top of his head? Why fuss about what others think or say - though I still think the chances are that this was a passing remark and not meant as an insult.

Cathycomehome · 21/10/2011 21:39

I get where you are coming from, OP. My partner is going bald and is very sensitive/upset about it. Would pretend not to be bothered if someone made a comment about it (his mates have a couple of times actually, as they saw it as banter, probably), but the remark would bother him.

fivegomadindorset · 21/10/2011 21:40

DH is bald, DS has the most amazing head of blonde curly locks, people DH has never met beofre asks where DS gets his hair from (me red and staright) DH always replies that when he had hair it was blonde and curly.

Original poster
noonar · 21/10/2011 21:41

herbie you said:
How was the man to know your DH is self conscious about losing his hair?

but i had already said:

although i accept that this man may not have realised how personal the remark would feel for my dh.

thats why i assumed you hadnt read the whole thread. it has nothing to do with entitlement to opinions!

OP posts:
badmummy101 · 21/10/2011 21:41

Ur husband made the first comment based on someone else's apperance, so he can't moan if someone does it to him.

LeBOOOf · 21/10/2011 21:43

Noonar, care to borrow my special gif?

Joolyjoolyjoo · 21/10/2011 21:43

noonar- I'm glad you didn't take offence at my post- I wasn't saying that you do secretly wish your DH had hair, just that I could see that was what some posters were kind of taking from your defensive position on it Smile

let's face it, shaved heads are sexy!

I was thinking about it, and I used to hate my red hair. But I know it is one of the things that actually attracted my DH to me, so I've learned to put up with love it

wannaBe · 21/10/2011 21:44

keep your hair on op! Wink

Cathycomehome · 21/10/2011 21:44

That's not fair IMO badmummy101 - their daughter's hair was changed temporarily with a spray, it's not like he really has a choice about his hair.

herbietea · 21/10/2011 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MillyR · 21/10/2011 21:47

Noonar, I do think you have taken all the remarks on this thread with very good grace!

DoMeDon · 21/10/2011 21:47

YABU - shocked!?! Do you not get out much? There is far more to be shocked by. He is bald, you are both over sensitive and precious.

DH is bald but I choose to mock his elephant ears as slap head jokes are passe.