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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's not so awful to ask a pregnant woman 'if she knows what she's having'?

114 replies

tryingtoleave · 20/10/2011 12:14

I did this today and got a facetious 'well, we presume we're having a baby' reply. She went on about it a bit too, as though I had asked the stupidest question in the world. I was starting to feel a bit tempted to suggest it might be a puppy, but managed not to. Now, I don't care if this woman is having a boy or a girl; tbh, I don't really care much about the situation at all. But I was trying to make polite conversation and I thought two fairly innocuous comments to make when discussing a pregnancy were 'how is the pregnancy going?' and 'do you know what you're having?'. Most people seem happy to talk about it and if they have chosen not to find out are happy to talk about that too but if it is the wrong to ask, tell me - I can take it, and I will hold my tongue in future.

OP posts:
SmethWitchBelle · 20/10/2011 15:38

I didn't particularly like the questions about what I was having (we always found out) as people seemed to instantly say "aw were you hoping for a girl" and I was left wondering if I had some sort of consolation prize even though its just chit chat.

I don't tend to ask about the sex at all in general with pregnant ladies unless they brought it up, this has always been the case - I am a bit coy about getting too personal in general. For the same reasons I don't even comment on big fat bellies unless I KNOW the person is definitely pregnant Grin

stuffthenonsense · 20/10/2011 15:39

and as for knowing but not telling.....my theory is that its the birth announcement
'shes arrived'
is a lot less jubilant than
'its a girl'
maybe its that?

minipie · 20/10/2011 15:40

Oh, I'm fine with people who don't want to tell me the gender (don't really get it, but it's their prerogative). But I wish they'd just lie and say they don't know.

It's the "oh, we know but we're not telling anyone" that winds me up. Can't say why exactly. Guess it feels a bit like playground secrets.

DuelingFanjo · 20/10/2011 15:45

it never bothered me when people asked, I was able to say no! I did always say with a laugh 'well I hope it's a baby' but it was pretty obvious I wasn't being rude.

Quenelle · 20/10/2011 15:46

Last time I was pregnant I liked people asking me all the inane stuff. I enjoyed the attention. I'm pregnant now and when it becomes common knowledge I expect I'll enjoy it all again. [needy]

minipie that's what irritates me. They think everyone's desperate to know and they're hugging themselves with glee at not telling. Yawn!

Quenelle · 20/10/2011 15:47

Oh yes and that conversation always goes like this:

(Un)interested person: 'Are you going to find out the sex?'

Me: 'No.'

CustardCake · 20/10/2011 16:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fixture · 20/10/2011 16:25

"What are you having?"

"I'd like a coffee and a large piece of cake please" :o Brew

Hungrydragon · 20/10/2011 16:31

Fixture I never got tired of using that one in the office, anything to get out the tea run Grin

TheBestWitch · 20/10/2011 19:09

Grin @ witches. I would also be quite taken aback that a random pg woman I spoke to was keen not to spoil my surprise.

Flisspaps · 20/10/2011 19:19

What stuffthenonsense and Bartimaeus said.

Francagoestohollywood · 20/10/2011 19:37

"Some people are just fucking miserable, upduffed or not."

Grin Grin Grin

strawberrypenguin · 20/10/2011 20:58

As a currently (very) pregnant person I would say yanbu, I don't mind people asking at all, it's nice that someone is taking an interest even if you know they are just making small talk. What I have found annoying (and it's a few times believe it or not) is people arguing with me when I tell them I'm having a boy and telling me my bump looks like a girl! Hmm (and yes I have seen his 'bits' on a scan! I'm sure he's a boy Grin

HardCheese · 20/10/2011 21:39

Agree with stuffthenonsense, Bartimaeus and Flisspaps. I don't have to suddenly start being Little Mary Sunshine because I'm visibly pregnant, for one thing. People who know me know that I don't want to give daily bulletins on my state of health, put up with comments on the size of my bump, or discuss the contents of my uterus in the lift/boardroom/lecture theatre/ bus stop. My biological processes are not the weather - you don't need to make smalltalk about them! I will certainly not be feeling hurt and neglected if you leave the lift/bus shelter/photocopying room without commenting on my pregnancy. I will be delighted, and think you are a good and understanding human being.

I certainly don't have to pretend to total strangers that I don't know the baby's sex when I do, or explain why I'm not sharing this Glorious News with the world. I'm prepared to share them with Mumsnet, since you ask, though. I am not telling people because

(1) it's of absolutely no interest to anyone else, realistically - this is not the Second Coming of Jesus Christ, it is an ordinary little baby which is either a boy or a girl (or something like a guinea-pig with wings, obviously!)
(2) I don't want to hear some dumb squealing about a 'Mummy's Little Princess' or Daddy being happy with 'a little boy he can take to the football' etc
(3) our families will immediately start stockpiling neon pink floral babygros with velcro-on tutus and matching frilly hairbands or khaki-coloured mini-dungarees with tanks and sub-machine guns on them.

troisgarcons · 20/10/2011 21:46

'well, we presume we're having a baby' reply

Hmmm - you would have been the 3,000th person to ask - it gets tedious after 8 months.

I was starting to feel a bit tempted to suggest it might be a puppy, but managed not to. Now, I don't care if this woman is having a boy or a girl; tbh, I don't really care much about the situation at all

See knew you didn't give two hoots - why should she waste time talking to you?

Sort of reminds me of someone asking 'what colour are your bridesmaids?'

I looked deliberately blank, and countered with 'do you think I should have equal numbers black and white, and maybe I should have some Chinese to even things up???'

I know she was talking frocks and colour schemes for napkins but TBH - she wasnt even on my radar.

Sometimes, people should mind their own business and not ask questions in an attempt to instigate conversation with people they barely know

Miette · 20/10/2011 21:52

I asked someone this on Facebook and one of their friends retorted with the hugely witty reply "It's a baby." My sides nearly split with laughter. Hmm
I just ignored them.

goodnightmoon · 20/10/2011 22:01

I don't mind being asked and I also offer the info unsolicited. I have to bite my tongue though when people say how wonderful I'll have one of each. Of course i'm happy but I actually wanted two of the same!

Francagoestohollywood · 20/10/2011 22:16

Really, I can't see anything wrong in trying to instigate a conversation with someone you barely know, if it's done politely and with a smile.

The ability of conversing with our similar makes us more human and happier in the long run, imho.

Angelico · 20/10/2011 22:19

Of course YANBU. She sounds like a tit!

HardCheese · 20/10/2011 22:26

Franca, it does, only surely it's obvious that an eight-months pregnant woman has been making the same responses forty times a day for months, so the 'conversation' is only fun for one of the participants! I genuinely like smalltalk in certain situations, and agree it helps the world go round, but the 'What are you having?'/'When's it due?', 'Ooh, you're big/small/ humungous', 'It's definitely a girl/boy/hamster/spawn of Satan from the way you're carrying it' etc stuff gets a bit wearying. I want to go down on my knees with gratitude when someone complains about the rain instead.

Francagoestohollywood · 20/10/2011 22:35

Grin yes. I did like talking about my pregnancy status and complain about my preggy ailments with anyone who was naive enough to start asking me questions Grin

I am crap at talking weather though!

coastgirl · 20/10/2011 22:40

I remember being 38 weeks pregnant, at work, and someone coming into the staffroom and having the whole "are you excited?" etc etc conversation with them and when they left, turning to my friend and saying "phew, that was the tenth time today I've had exactly that conversation". And I tried my very best to be pleasant and nice, because the other people were only being friendly, but I was a little bit tired of it.

MitrochondrialEve · 21/10/2011 00:26

As Ephiny said further up the thread, it's the "What" at the beginning of the question that just makes my teeth itch. It just seems a really rude way to refer to the baby. I hope you don't all look into prams and ask "What is it?", if you wouldn't do that when you see the baby, why do it to the baby before it's born?

I didn't mind people asking "Are you having a girl or boy?", the "What are you having?" version was always answered with either "hopefully a baby" Confused or "a decaff coffee, thanks" Smile

Bogeymanface · 21/10/2011 00:31

I admit that it did get on my tits a fair bit when I was pg but as I was having my sixth I was a bit of a curio :o

It was the second most asked thing after "Havent you got a telly/central heating? Dont you know how to say no?..." blah blah!

In the end I used to say that we were hoping for a baby but that DD2 had her fingers crossed for a pony!

Cassettetapeandpencil · 21/10/2011 01:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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