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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's not so awful to ask a pregnant woman 'if she knows what she's having'?

114 replies

tryingtoleave · 20/10/2011 12:14

I did this today and got a facetious 'well, we presume we're having a baby' reply. She went on about it a bit too, as though I had asked the stupidest question in the world. I was starting to feel a bit tempted to suggest it might be a puppy, but managed not to. Now, I don't care if this woman is having a boy or a girl; tbh, I don't really care much about the situation at all. But I was trying to make polite conversation and I thought two fairly innocuous comments to make when discussing a pregnancy were 'how is the pregnancy going?' and 'do you know what you're having?'. Most people seem happy to talk about it and if they have chosen not to find out are happy to talk about that too but if it is the wrong to ask, tell me - I can take it, and I will hold my tongue in future.

OP posts:
Hungrydragon · 20/10/2011 12:53

Bitchess are canines so she probably was having a puppy Wink

As MistressPloppy said, sometimes it's more about the person then the baby.

Fixture · 20/10/2011 12:53

"we're having a surprise - we know but we aren't saying"

What's wrong with that? Confused It's not smug, it's just the truth. If you ask someone, it doesn't mean they have to tell you. Should they have lied and said they didn't know?

Hullygully · 20/10/2011 12:54

You should have pushed her over

DandyLioness · 20/10/2011 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 20/10/2011 12:55

pregnant women - especially with first borns - are so ucking precious about everything i've decided to ignore them on the whole.

do you kow what you're having?
....err well err we're not telling people

well seriously love, i don't really give a shit if your having a boy or a girl - yes its going to be a life changing thing for you, but i'm just being pleasant and you have an over inflated sense of how many people actually care.

DandyLioness · 20/10/2011 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WitchesAreComing · 20/10/2011 12:57

You're right suppose... it was more that they were assuming that a randomer from the school-run would really care one way or the other. I did say I was unreasonably irritated Grin

It was their (mother and daughter not couple) baby after all and a first at that, I was just happy for them and as has been pointed out there isn't really much else you can talk about with a foetus.

Will definitely stick to the looking fantastic line.

EdithWeston · 20/10/2011 12:58

It's become just chit chat. But if you think if it in terms of a question about the exact contents of someone else's uterus, it's easy to see why it can be taken as intrusive.

Fixture · 20/10/2011 12:59

How nice of you to ask, then [hhmm]

Couldn't you have asked something you do want to hear the answer to?

"i don't really give a shit if your having a boy or a girl"

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 20/10/2011 13:02

What minipie said, you might have been the 20th person to ask those questions that day.

Goldenbrown1981 · 20/10/2011 13:03

I hope it isn't unreasonable, as it's certainly part of my 'talking to pregnant woman' repertoire.

My mam tells a great story about when she was having my Big Bro, my Bigger bro was 4 and a woman asking him "so, what to you want a brother or a sister?" and my bro responded "I'd rather have a monkey"

WitchesAreComing · 20/10/2011 13:04

God I'd be in trouble if I only ever asked things I wanted to hear the answer to. I'd never ask anyone how they were for a start. Or how much things that I want cost.

That isn't a bad plan actually.

benandhollyandgaston · 20/10/2011 13:04

Never offended me when asked.

Was offended by the cashier in M and S, on telling her I was due another DD saying "oh dear, never mind"

Original poster
tryingtoleave · 20/10/2011 13:09

Loved that, lioness - so did dh.

There are lots of questions that I would be interested in the answer to, but most are not socially acceptable.

I am going to bed now, while I can still feel fairly justified and smug. I will probably wake in the morning to find the thread has turned Sad

OP posts:
MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll · 20/10/2011 13:10

SOunds like she has issues around ether the sex or around finding out the sex...

Lizcat · 20/10/2011 13:11

I always are ask if they are having a surprise. If they are they just say yes, if they are not it allows them to tell you if they want to.

snowmummy · 20/10/2011 13:12

YANBU. I wouldn't be offended. If she was, its her problem I'd say. She could've politely declined to answer and moved the conversation on.

minipie · 20/10/2011 13:12

I must admit the "we know but we aren't saying" group really wind me up too.

If you've decided to find out, why on earth wouldn't you tell other people? I really can't think of a reason.

WitchesAreComing · 20/10/2011 13:12

I was seriously offended when a young man I knew vaguely touched my bump and said, "take care darlin' an 'ope you have a boy, luv"

Then again this was at a party on the eve of the new millennium and it seemed as if I was the only sober person on the planet. So I was feeling a bit cranky.

CoffeeDog · 20/10/2011 13:14

I had twins, people saying your massive etc.. then after being told shouting ARE THEY NATURAL ?? urm no i believe they will be plastic :)

TandB · 20/10/2011 13:14

Of course you were being unreasonable - didn't you know that anything you ask certain pregnant women must automatically be offensive/intrusive because she's pregnant you know.

The only safe conversational gambit is "you're pregnant, that's nice". But you must get the tone right, otherwise you are unreasonable.

Disclaimer: I am pregnant - people are free to ask me anything they like and will probably get more information than they bargained for. Unless they pull a face when hearing that it is a second boy and say "aaaw never mind, you can always try again." Or unless they are the one person who I see on a daily basis who bugs the hell out of me and is also the only person who habitually grabs my stomach. I might start grabbing hers back.

DandyLioness · 20/10/2011 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WitchesAreComing · 20/10/2011 13:20

I had a colleague who did the stomach-grabbing when I was having my PFB. She'd do it and say, "wow I can't believe there's an actual baby in there; it's so wonderful!"

Very sweet and sweeter still that she had four children of her own! Just goes to show that every one's a miracle et cetera et cetera...

Congrats, kungfupannda, you look fabulous by the way Grin

Fixture · 20/10/2011 13:31

Why should they have to explain their reasons for not telling others? [hconfused]

"If you've decided to find out, why on earth wouldn't you tell other people?"

BlathersFright · 20/10/2011 13:31

I didn't mind the "what are you having" comments. I knew I was having a girl and was happy to share - it's when they replied "Oh no, it's definitely a Boy, you're carrying all wrong for a Girl"!! Confused

Like they knew better than the bloody sonographer. The Sonographers I should say as they checked at my 20 week scan and again at 37 weeks when I went to have my placenta checked and it was bloody obvious!